The waiting game + no support = ANXIETY!

[Serra Cherub 12]

I have been overweight since I can remember. I am only 29 and have already battled with hypothyroidism, PCOS, depression, anxiety, bullying and scrutiny. I decided in March 2014 that I was done with the thinking phase and ready to take this on so that I could live the life that I wanted so desperately. During the day that I made this decision and today my emotions have been all over the place. I do not regret this choice (still pre-op) and I know in my heart it is what I want, but I cannot fight the feelings of fear. I am scared I am going to lose people. I am scared that for me, this just wont work... that it will be yet another thing that I fail at. Mostly I am afraid of what this will do between my husband and I. We have been on and off for 13 years now and just were married in Feb 2013. He too is overweight and it seems to have already taken a toll on our relationship. I have read that this change can either make or break a relationship and I am worried mine will break. Currently we are not even intimate any longer; he says it is just because he isn't feeling well, or he doesn't feel like it... then a few months ago he said that he would prefer me intimately more if I lost weight... namely the stomach. Mix that in with the lack of intimacy already and the fact that I will be going through with the surgery, well I just cant help but feel resentful. Like at the end of the day it wont matter that I am healthier or happier... for him, it is all about the aesthetics.

As of today it has been 2 months since that conversation and I have since completed my 6 month nutritional counseling (Aug 26th). Currently I am waiting on the insurance company. I have never been so excited and yet petrified in my whole life. Instead of just thinking about getting that (hopeful) approval - now I am also wondering if this will be the end of not only my old way of living but also my marriage. It is like a double edge sword.

[InspirationMySon 135]

I am sorry to here that you are feeling unsupported in this. It seems like your husband is dealing with some self esteem issues that he is projecting onto you. I have a very supportive husband he too does have some esteem issues as well but he never makes me feel bad like that. We aren't as intimate as I would like to be & I attribute it my health issues & our son he's 2 & sometimes being parents just interferes with wanting to be sexual. However the things you described don't sound that way they sound emotionally abusive. It sounds like you already carry enough emotional baggage from your other life experiences that cause you pain without the person whose supposed to love you for better or worse making you feel like crap. I would suggest seeking out a counselor would deals with family & bariatric patients so that they can work with you as a bariatric patient, as a married woman & potentially you & your husband to work thru your issues as a couple.

I wish you luck with your process I get my RNY tomorrow & have been thru the 6 month waiting game & insurance approval process so I sympathize with you. You will get where you need to be don't let other people drag you down with them.

[Serra Cherub 12]

Counseling is definitely something that we need. IIt's hard because he just doesn't see what my issue is with him saying these things.

Thank you so much for the well wishes and I hope you have a safe surgery and quick heal time!

[InspirationMySon 135]

Well then do it just for you, which is kind of how it sounds like you have been going at this whole process. Sometimes you have to stop associating with people who are taking more then they give & take care of yourself. I hope you are able to get thru this & I suspect that you will just fine.

[a_new_me_finally 2]

Serra, I am experiencing almost the same exact thing with my immediate family (I just recently posted a thread on here similar to yours). In some strange way I am thankful that you're going through the same thing because I know that others feel the same way that I do and are experiencing the same things. My battle is with my immediate family and immediate friends and it has been tiresome as well. I too want to be healthier and happier and I am also afraid it will break friendships and relationships that I have as well. I understand where you are coming from because the people I am experiment the same backlash from don't realize what they are saying either. I think you need to do what is best for you, and that is what I keep saying to myself, this isn't about significant others, friends, family etc, it is for you, your health and your selfesteem. I know it's hard, trust me, I COMPLETELY get it, but for what it is worth, you're not going through this alone. I wish you the best of luck and I am sure you will do great once you do get your surgery! Remember this is for you, not anyone else!

[chrystine 42]

Serra,

I'm sorry that you are going through this. My husband took a while to come around; he was worried about the side effects of surgery. I told him that I was far worse off if I didn't lose the weight and since then he has been very supportive. He has never given me any grief over my weight anyway so I am fortunate. My mother isn't supportive though and while it isn't as important as having a supportive spouse, it still hurts. Because I'm afraid of peoples' judgement, I tell very few about my journey. I meet the director of surgery on Wed., hope that she approves me then need approval from insurance company. Try to remember that if your husband is going to love you and support you and be there for you in the long run, he will regardless of whether you get healthy. If he isn't supportive of your getting healthier, does he want to keep you emotionally vulnerable, so you're more emotionally dependent on him? Take care and best wishes.

Edited September 8, 2014 by chrystine