female only I am mad at myself..

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I have been seeing someone for I don't know...6 -7 weeks? anyway, it has been going pretty well - we really have a great time together and he likes doing active things so our "dates" tend to be fun stuff like kayaking, hiking, horse backriding as well as wine tasting and all that. Really, everytime we have had a very good time together, never run out of things to say etc.. I have had the feeling that even if it doesn't turn into a serous romance, maybe I have made a new friend and that isn't so bad either.

I haven't been seeing anyone else even though we aren't really that serious yet, mostly because i am pretty busy and just get ... defocused ... if I try to date several people casually. I am not good at it.

This man seems like a good, responsible, fun, great looking, fit and very intelligent man but there are some things that are red flags for longer term compatibility - example, he is an extreme neatnick and I have animals and live on a small farmette... sometimes there is dog hair and dirt involved. I sort of felt like since we are having a good time, to not overthink it and just let things fall where they fall.

So, last weekend, we spent too much time together.ha. I went to an party of people he knew one day, and then he joined me on an all day horse ride and luncheon and wine after party hosted by my best friend (there were 8 of us which is a good crowd for a riding based party!). We had a great time both days - and the horse party was especially FUN and he loved it and my friends. At my friends party, we were invited to a party this Saturday by another friend which I enthusiastically accepted for me; leaving it open for him to decide if he wanted to go. (this becomes important later)

I noticed, or rather became bothered by the lack of physical affection and I guess because we spent 2 days in a row together (as opposed to our more typical seeing each other about once a week) so I brought it up when he called me on Monday. Upshot of it was he communicated some things to me that made me just so tired of this whole dating thing. I need to be fair, he didn't exactly use the words I am about to use....but this is how my brain heard it. "I am just not that into you, don't think we are a long term prospect. Women get possessive once a relationship turns physical so not sure I want that with you either." WTF? I have never called him except to return a missed call. We see each other once a week, not exactly stalker like behavior in my book. I realize he didn't directly accuse me of being a crazy psycho woman, but it made me feel that way - sort of the statement that "all women" do "X". Example, he said he hates it when women want you to account for your time. I don't recall EVER asking him what he did yesterday or whatever even though he always volunteers very boring information about doing yard work, or going out with his best friend etc. I don't require or desire a blow by blow accounting of a persons day...sheesh.. I got stuff to do myself you know!

And, I am not sure he has already decided we aren't a good long term prospect or not, but he made me feel that way. He says his reason is that we live an hour apart, but for dating someone once a week I find it hard to believe that is really the reason. And besides, if I were a stalker crazy b*tch you would think that the distance would be an advantage. I frankly have reservations about our long term prospects too so I can't exactly get upset by that but it was very discouraging. I mean, why is it that middle age adults feel like they need to have all the wild emotions of a teen love - what is wrong with growing a friendship and seeing if it turns to love? The conversation ended with him saying that he really likes seeing me and wants to keep doing that. WTF?

i freaking hate "dating" - just when I feel like things are going pretty well, easy and low drama and fun and then I suddenly feel really "undesirable" as a result of a single conversation.

I am a pragmatic person, I realize I may not find "true love" at this stage of life but I want many of the benefits of a relationship and one of those benefits for me is the intimacy and feeling desired and appreciated as a woman. I feel right now, right this moment, that I am not going to get either the "true love" or the "true lust" benefits so what the heck am I doing? Should I move on and look for someone who actually might want me?

I realized that my reaction is perhaps disproportionate and I decided I wanted to think on it for a few days. I dodged his calls as long as I could and when he finally texted me asking me if we were "on" for the party I realized I didn't really want him to come with me. I think I am a little "out of sorts" emotionally and want more time to decide if I want to still see him. Anyway, I finally called him back and in spite of my intentions, damn if I didn't agree to him joining me at this party. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I don't know why I couldn't say the truth of how I feel.

So, I am not mad at him, I am just disappointed that it doesn't feel fun or happy to me right now and that I really dont feel "wanted" or desired. I am mad at myself because I decided what I wanted to have happen - at least this weekend - and I didn't have the guts to say it.

This is just a vent, I am not sure what I will do now and I suppose it doesn't even matter that much as I feel that some sort of "switch" was flipped inside me and I am just not looking forward to seeing him now. Maybe I will get over it.

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

I'm sorry this happened. All I can say as a person who is going through a divorce after a long marriage is that I sure wish I had trusted my gut instincts sooner. I let my self and my desires and my ideas and my feelings get overridden for so long, that I don't know if I'll ever learn how to relate authentically to someone in the future. Take care of yourself. You're not crazy. Sounds like he's projecting a lot of his own issues onto you.

Edited September 4, 2014 by JustWatchMe

[agirlnamedfrankie 69]

Could it be that he's just being cautious based on previous experiences? If I loosely interpreted what your brain heard and then added that to a request to see you again, that might be what I came up with, although it's hard to say without being there, of course. Maybe tell him what you heard which would give him a chance to either clarify or confirm? Bringing it up would be difficult but probably more beneficial than letting it fester and thinking "wtf, he's not that into me" when you hang out.

That being said, I know that sometimes advice isn't wanted and the best answer is just "that sucks" so you can have one of those, too. That sucks. Hope it works out well, whatever that happens to be.

[MichiganChic 3,262]

Don't be too mad at yourself. I have been in the same predicament when I didn't have the guts to stand my ground about something, and it makes me mad, too.

You could just cogitate on it for another day. If you really don't want him there, then you could still tell him. Or, just chalk this up to a learning experience, go and try to have a good time.

Some people just move slower than others, and he might just be cautious. My guess is that this has more to do with him than you. After all, we all know you are super hot and if he was in his right mind, he would choose his words better!

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

Cheryl have you ever thought that perhaps it all him? He may have some kind of sexual issues that prevent him from getting sexual or close to you......sit back and see what happens......take 1 step at a time......

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

What you have all said resonates.

Why do I not want to discuss it - because I HATE drama and I hate that whole "you said this, what did you mean" kind of crap. I am the type that normally just gets over little stuff and just let it roll off me. I think the part that got under my skin is that I want to be desired and I was already feeling that part was falling a little short which was why I brought it up in the first place.

Actually, a specific comment when we were driving back from the horse party is what set this whole thing up. I made a flirtatious type remark and he said something like "alot of men would like that". Well.... I was thinking, why do I care what " a lot" of men would like or not like- it was him I am interested in! I didn't say anything at the time, but it is what triggered me to bring up the intimacy topic - and I did NOT bring up his remark because I don't like doing that. It is however part of the background for me.

I do think he is bringing baggage from past relationships and I have mine. I was in a LTR with someone for 15 years... the last approx 10 completely lacked intimacy... we lived like roommates. I thought it was because of my obesity but it wasn't. That relationship has been over for quite awhile but apparently my hurt over the constant rejection can still rear its ugly head. I can live without sex, but I cannot live without affection. i would rather be completely single than be in some sort of relationship with someone who doesn't make me feel warm and appreciated.

I am not sure why the implication that I would be like "all women" and get all possessive and weird bugged me so much. I don't really have baggage on that one except to say that I feel disrespected by the remark.

Anyway, I am not sure what I am going to do. I will have a fun time at the party no matter - it is a great group of people and he is alot of fun to do stuff with anyway. I am tempted to text him and tell him that I wasn't honest and that I actually want a weekend off from seeing him but that seems very rude and not my character either so still thinking about it.

I also think the larger point is that I really hate "dating" in the 50s. Apparently, alot of men over 50 do have dysfunction issues like Dorrie mentioned, and they don't exactly advertise it. Add to that the amount of jaded ... woo hoo... I mean everyone is just so picky about everything - including me. It is nothing like I remember it from my youth when people wanted to fall in love, wanted to take chances and risks of getting hurt, when people actually had some PASSION.

After my EX and I split I saw someone over a year who is considerably older than me who was a terrible boyfriend on many fronts, but he did have alot of passion and sex drive and made me feel very desired and wanted. I wish I could bottle some of that magic and hand it to a somewhat reliable guy... haha

Like I said, I normally get over little stuff pretty quickly, but this all happened Monday, it is Thursday and I am still a bit riled up about it.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Dear CJG,

He's either 1) just not that into you, 2) is asexual (ugh), or c) is a manipulative a*****e.

In this instance, dating has achieved its goal. It's a time-honored process that keeps you from marrying people your parents and friends think are a "perfect fit."

And btw, based on my experience, middle-aged love has one big thing in common with other-aged love: It feels like LOVE! My amazing hubby and I met when I was 50 and he was 57. We are now 68 and 75. And it still feels like LOVE!

Edited September 4, 2014 by VSGAnn2014

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

"I can live without sex, but I cannot live without affection."

This.

[scrapbasket 83]

or he is gay or mostly gay/bisexual. either way I believe a treasure like you deserves someone who understands you are a treasure and treats you as such. why settle for ordinary or less than that? love sara

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

He isn't gay, men just lose their sex drive. This isn't really about sex but I guess I want to feel some of that being desired feeling. It helped me to write it all out and reflect on it. There are some other things going on in life that I think made me over react to this situation. I am realizing I am upset about other things and I think I have let that emotional state cloud my perceptions...and worse dwell on this.

In fairness, I think the man I am dating was trying to express his fears and angst. He is deep inside a wary and untrusting person...very socially adept so you wouldn't guess it but, deep inside reserved about people. I didn't react negatively during the conversation and so he has no idea that I feel sorta "discounted".

Still not sure what I will do but I am putting this in perspective. I am not all that attached and I need to think how I will feel months down the road being with this kind of person.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

And thank you sara and everyone for the kind words. It is not so easy to find a great guy. I realize I put limits by insisting on fit and attractive which isn't as common as you might hope in the 50ish age range. I keep telling myself I need to get over the"attractive" thing....the fitness requirement is hard enough to find!

[woo woo 872]

Only thing I would add is be wary of repeating old patterns. You have shared how your last serious relationship was devoid of the physical relationship and affection that you need. Just something to think about.

You are fabulous dont settle

[RenewMe 64]

Dump him. He sounds too wishy-washy and he's not ready for you.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Well, I had a chance to simmer down. The part that ticked me off was the reference to becoming possessive - clearly projecting past experiences on to me since I have done nothing to even register on the possessive scale.

I went to my party alone and had a great time. I admit it would have been fun had I brought my "date" as the party was off the hook good time with great people and he is lots of fun in social situations.

The guy I have been seeing - talked it through and I am going to keep doing activities with him - we enjoy many common interests, but my view is that his baggage needs to be checked at the gate and I don't think he is quite ready to do that, so looking for new prospects to expand my dating circle. i do admit I was very impressed with how well he seemed to handle our follow up chat because i really did call him out on some stuff

I hate dating - the process of getting to know new people. I know some find that exciting, but i don't really. I know that what makes more sense is to casually date/do activities etc with a nice mix of people and over time, things will fall in place. I just have a hard time doing that so it is a new skill for me to learn!

Carry on.

[BethinPA 305]

Sounds like you took the time and did the work to figure out why your buttons were being pushed by this guy's behavior, and crafted a positive result - well done!

I think dating is exhausting too, and I don't want to become good at it. But I figure, what is the alternative? I don't want to give up on what I really want, so I keep on plugging. I know you will be successful, when the right person comes along. Good luck!