I want to like myself again

[Summer Rain 245]

In my life before I was fat I think I remember liking myself. I thought I was nice, well mannered, courteous, and a good friend. I feel like I have lost myself and I think that is why I am getting ready for major surgery to help me lose weight. I am not sure when it all started changing (or maybe I do and I just don't want to go there?). I have not had anything horrible happen to me I just don't feel good about being me. I have closed myself off from everyone . I have no friends and my family and I are not close. I don't know where I would be without my loving husband (and for the life of me I can't understand WHY he loves me still) and my children.

Outwardly, other than being much heavier, I don't think most people would be able to tell that I have changed. I don't always feel like a nice person anymore even though I don't let that show. I know I have trouble trusting anyone. Everyone seems to leave for one reason or another. I have forgotten how to have friends and how to be a friend. I want to have fun and enjoy the rest of my life.

I am just feeling down and sorry for myself today. Most days I don't examine myself or my feelings too closely. I miss living life and I am excited to have surgery and start changing my body. I just don't know how to change the inside. I have had counseling in the past but I feel like my problems are so insignificant and that I am wasting their time. Anyone have any suggestions or books that might be helpful?

Thanks everyone.

Summer

[McButterpants 2,846]

@@Summer Rain - I felt like you about a year ago. I was in a bad place. I basically became a shut in. I was disconnected from my family and my life. I was going thru the motions...just doing the minimum to get by. I lost contact with friends. I avoided the grocery store right by my house so I could avoid the change of seeing someone.

Fast forward to now...I just started hot yoga, I go to the gym, I talk to total strangers, I've reconnected with friends, and I am enjoying my life. I am much more engaged with my family - the other day my son said, "You don't get angry like you used to. I'm glad you had the surgery." I am learning to become content - something I haven't been in years.

This has become so much more than the number on the scale - I want to lose more, but my life does not revolve around my scale any longer. I hike, I bike, I walk, I exercise and I love it. I got my life back. This is not only a life changer...in my case, it was a life saver!

You're starting down a path that will be so rewarding - you will be frustrated, you'll be angry, you'll get down on yourself. But just wait, in a few short months, you'll start blossoming into that person you are supposed to be. Trust me - it's all worth.

Best of luck to you! Keep your chin up.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Here's the deal.

If you once liked yourself, you can like yourself again.

Everything @@McButterpants said I can relate to. I bet you can, too.

It happens. We set standards for ourselves. We don't meet our standards. We beat ourselves up (quietly, on the inside, where no one else sees it). Of course, we hide out. That's what I did for the last year and a half before surgery.

But you know what? That's over. It's in the past. I don't have to "live" there anymore. All you have is your future. You really can make that what you want it to be. When you *get* that, you will start smiling again.

In your shoes, I'd start a bloody fantasy document of *everything* in the world you want to be different. Keep it private. Make it honest. Be as outrageous as you want. Pretty soon you will realize that the sky is the limit. And that you can actually put your foot on the sidewalk and go right or left.

It's going to be OK!

[Cupcake 801]

Hi I agree with the above statements you will see after the surgery your entire attitude changes, go to the gym and get a gym memberships, you will meet like minded people there and I can tell you I am so outgoing now that people at my job are calling me Ms. Skinny and a diva my attitude is positive , I am leaving my home and going to the gym 5 times a week. Who would have ever thought that I would look forward to the gym and swimming again. I am smiling more and it has only been 3 months. I catch my self smiling and feeling entirely happy all the time. My self esteem is a thousand time more positive then ever before. I even ran into a old friend at the gym and they said wow you look great and sexy. Wow and these were from people who barely noticed me. This is a new life changing experience and you will see you are finally living the life you were suppose to live. Good luck my friend and keep us posted on your progress.

[Cody's mom 247]

Stay strong sleeve sista, keep putting one foot in front of the other (boht physically and metaphorically). Do everything for yourself. Don't try too hard, the right people will find you.

[utahgirll 81]

Summer,

What a honest share! Thanks so much. Hang in there! I so completely identify with it. I remember being happy too.. but it is kind of like a cloud in the past. I have come to a point where I literally have to force myself to exit the house, and I often cannot do it. today my adorable furry boys need food, so I MUST get out for that. I know I isolate. I guess I just feel more comfortable in my own company. I know i am off the scale on the Meyers Briggs for introvert-ism, but I kinda don't think hiding under the blankets is quite what it means. Just know that I appreciated your share, because somehow it helps to know that we are both working on it together. Summer feel free to IM me here. So happy you have a supportive husband and kids.

My boss just told me about a free counseling program that I can participate in, so there's that great news. Summer, maybe going back to counseling will be very helpful. Do you have any offered through your work/husband's work?? When I had my excellent medical coverage, mental health was NOT covered, which made me sad. Really pleased to hear about this free coverage that's just a perk I didn't know my company had (and I am part time)! I think counseling can help everyone. I know I am going to call about it on Monday.

I appreciate also the helpful advice you were given, and I will read that over a few times. Great support here, guys!

Hang in there, Summer!!!

in support,

triss

Edited August 23, 2014 by utahgirll

[Ajit 8]

Summer I felt exactly like u did! Hun it gets easier I felt I was more bubbly n people noticed n engaged with me more before I had my surgery! I didn't like the changes at first when I lost the weight coz when I luked at myself in the mirror it wasn't me that I saw and what I was used to seeing as me in my head! But once u see the benefits n feel good bout urself u feel better! Give it time Hun! X all the best. Xxx

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

@@VSGAnn2014, "In your shoes, I'd start a bloody fantasy document of *everything* in the world you want to be different. Keep it private. Make it honest. Be as outrageous as you want. Pretty soon you will realize that the sky is the limit. "

Exactly what I needed to read today.

[pink dahlia 2,513]

Amen to ALL the above posts ! There's a little of me in everyone ! A co worker told me I was much more outgoing after the surgery than before. Thanks ! I 'll take it ! When you start liking what you see in the mirror and start getting daily compliments you 'll be much less an introvert, more comfy talking with others. I just felt better, happier and healthier, and I think people picked up on that. Also, I paid more attention to my clothes , makeup etc and that was noticeable too. Exercise helped too ! think you'll start coming out of your shell after surgery, and you 'll be much happier ! Good luck !!

[HotButterFly 981]

I have no doubt you're a wonderful person and you would make a great friend, after all, you're being BRUTALLY honest with STRANGERS.

For many years, after moving to a new neighborhood, and the pounds started to pile up, I was just as you described above. It took me almost five years to start coming out of the depression and my self-imposed "quarantine". It DID start when I lost 40lbs on my own (then gained it back within 3 years) and then I got Lapland.

I'm happy you have a supportive husband. Maybe you can start by finding a couple to do things with and work yourself from there.

Remember this, though... We are all imperfect and sometimes friends let us down OR we let THEM down. It's just part of life. But on the other hand, friends can become family. Good luck to you...! And let's break that shell!!

[Bandista 7,466]

Hi there and congratulations on your upcoming surgery! I can really identify with your story -- having a good life and people loving me but me wondering why and gradually isolating myself a bit more, a bit more....not bitter or mean but just not seeming like my old self. By choosing weight loss surgery I knew I was doing something big -- choosing myself first and my healthy future, choosing to change that trajectory. But really I had no idea that by showing up for myself like that I would regain my sense of self. I am so happy! Not unhappy before but this raw joy -- a reconnection with my body, a body that I had felt betrayed me somehow. Now I feel. In sync again, connected, and it's powerful. Yes, the weight loss is great, the feeling healthy in my body, but the mental and emotional aspects of this decision have just been amazing. You are examining your feelings in such a healthy way. The self honesty will help you move out of the old mode and into the new. Pre-surgery we all had so many worries -- will I have to give up thus-and-such, what if I can't blah-blah-blah -- all very normal head chatter. Great to notice it and work it through. Sending best wishes your way -- very exciting times ahead!

[Bandista 7,466]

@@Summer Rain -- one more thing! You have a great handle. How about put your arms up in the air regularly like some one crossing a finish line and say something positive to yourself. I watched a Ted Talk about this. That gesture, "I did it!" Arms up, yippee, helps rewire our brains for more positive self-esteem. Sounds a bit kooky but I think it has worked for me. Also regarding friends and relationships, spending a year on this forum with people in the same process (we are all different, we are all the same) has given me some new people in my life who are such gifts. We haven't even met and probably won't but here we are. The support is tremendous. So you see, you are better than you thought at forging new relationships these days. You are reaching out and reaching in to take care of yourself. Enjoy the ride -- it's going to be great!

[Rovobay 920]

Summer, You are not the only one in this same boat. I am sure you are surrounded by many.... like me.... Oh, if I had a nickel for everytime I said, "I hate people" or just my general negative attitude. I know that I am truly just angry at myself. I want my happy old self back again. That is another huge reason why I chose wls, not just for the health and physical benefits but for the mental ones as well. I have become very antisocial and almost hermit like. lots of great comments above you all.

[Summer Rain 245]

Thank you all for taking time to read my post and to care enough to write a reply. I will re-read these over and over in the near future because everyone of you had at least one pearl of wisdom that I am going to incorporate into my "new" life.

I was having a very down day yesterday (I am not sure why). I am, as of today, forcing myself to take a different outlook on life. Just because things have always been this way does not mean that they have to continue this way. It is up to me to stop just coasting through my life and take control.

I read all of these replies with tear filled eyes this morning. I don't think I realized how alone I have been. I am going to take baby steps to see what changes I can make and start re-engaging in my life again. I do know some changes have been made as I didn't stuff my face all day yesterday trying to numb my emotions. My husband even said something last night that hurt my feelings terribly (he said I took it wrong and it was meant to be funny) and I still did not turn to food. I told him that he hurt my feelings and several weeks ago I never would have admitted that to another living soul. I am learning some life lessons on this journey.

I did try to reply to each of you individually but something happened and I lost that post. I am somewhat computer illiterate. Everything is good as long as there are no problems lol.

I wish all of you the best that life has to offer and thank you from the bottom of my heart for your willingness to share so much of yourselves.

Thanks again,

Summer

[pink dahlia 2,513]

Summer rain, every one of theses above posts have been right on, couldn't of said it better, and the support here ? Beyond amazing. Yes I understand isolating yourself, not living your life because you're just going through the emotions, depression, ( oh, that one was a bi*ch !!!) etc.........because I unfortunately have been/done all of them. I can only tell you from my experience, Holy Smokes, did it get better , or what ? Wls was an amazing gift to myself and my family. They got the benefits too. Hubbys real happy, as am I !! I truly think you'll see this as a positive in your life , and the incredible life you will start LIVING, not just EXISTING !!! M y best to you , hugs !!!