male only Relationships After Surgery

[Hawk7775 54]

I am just wondering how your relationships with your wives have changed since surgery if at all? I recently had surgery and am down about 50 lbs. I was really fat before surgery...pushing 400. My wife is bigger but significantly smaller than me. We talked about this before my surgery. I don't want her to be bigger than me. I am already getting annoyed with her because despite what she said, it seems she has no interest in trying to lose weight too. I am worried about the future. I love her and can't imagine that changing but I can also see myself becoming bitter if I end up the same size as her.

[queenie47 45]

Your not being fair to your wife! She didnt get the tool that you did. Show her some respect and treat her kindly. If she wants the surgery help her thru it. If she doesnt love her! She loved you when you were bigger!!!

[Hawk7775 54]

So much for posting in the guy's room to avoid this sort of response. My primary question was about how others' relationships have changed. I completely disagree with your response. At the beginning I felt she was pushing me towards surgery. She doesn't think she needs it. She agreed with me that she didn't want us to be the same size and said she was going to lose weight. I have done everything I can to help her. Cooking healthy meals, making sure she has time to get away and exercise like she said she wants to. Fair or not, frustration is what I am feeling. I do feel as though frustration is a valid response. I worry about becoming bitter. I do not want to be bitter. I did not post this topic to be lectured for how I feel. I posted it because I am sure others have had relationship issues arise after surgery and hoped for input on how they handled them. I also posted this in what is supposed to be a "safe" place for men to communicate with men about such sensitive issues. I would politely ask that it be respected.

[mick 99]

My relationship with me wife has been great. She is gaining while I am losing but she still isn't big. 145 I think. She eats pretty much whatever she wants to. She said she feels guilty eating he food when I cannot eat it too. I told her not to worry about that.

My wife supported me with this until the last week before the surgery then she and my oldest daughter expressed their fears for me to go ahead with the surgery. This forum really helped me keep my determination to follow through and now I still have my family's support.

I pray that your relationship will stay strong and this is just a passing thing that you will work through and come out of it with an even stronger relationship with your sweetie. I think you may be able to inspire her as you continue to lose weight.

Edited August 21, 2014 by mick

[Bigboy76 102]

I hear ya on the women posting in the Guy's Room. Despite an administrative request to not post, it continues. Sometimes it's not a big deal, but the whole value of the room is for men to be able to talk freely as men. Not sure what will change this issue.

I haven't had surgery yet, but the support of my spouse has already been an issue. We are both Heavier then we want to be and I wanted her to pursue surgery as well. She's been against surgery for years but after the seminar we had a long talk about how this would change our relationship. Thankfully she decided to move forward with getting a sleeve.

My only advice to you is time will make all the difference. It sounds like she does want to lose weight.. keep doing what you're doing to try to help her lose weight.

We approach weight-loss as an area that we attack together. She gets frustrated with me because when I diet I am very strict, and she likes to make adjustments that work better for her that I'm not willing to take. I have learned that the relationship value is in doing it together. I just try to keep doing what you're doing by making the food together... Exercising together.. Watching Cooking shows together. Is in our nature as men to push on things, but for me, that just fires up my wife's emotional defense system (LOL!) and in response she pushes back. We basically get nowhere! My attack plan then become to do things slow and easy.

Hang in there brother!

[Andrew0929 1,101]

I've had to deal with some similar issues with my wife. She was the one pressuring me to take action on my weight problem and was completely supportive throughout the process .

However, while she's only about 30 pounds overweight, she makes terrible food choices and barely exercises, which is what she's hounded me about for years . Now she loves to point out that she didn't have 85% of her stomach removed and my comeback is that the sleeve doesn't provide any help for selecting the right foods and at my stage that is my primary challenge.

I've pointed out that she's setting a bad example for our overweight daughter, eating lots of junk, but that's backfired as now my daughter is throwing the 85% stomach thing in my face too.

I realize I have a huge advantage with my restriction but the food choice issues are difficult when I'm surrounded by junk food.

[par1959 470]

The menopause thing has ruined the physical relationship with my wife years ago. Although she has supported me through the surgery the spark is no longer there. This surgery has made me feel like 20 years old. I don’t plan on letting this new found youth go to waste. Life is too short.

[VPenn 21]

My frustration has been the fact that my wife wants to lose weight but isn't willing to make the adjustments to do so. I try to keep my mouth shut and be supportive...well, 99% of the time, but it's hard when I'm working my ass off to "get my skinny on". When she eats things both she and I know are unhealthy and not productive for her to lose weight all-the-while bitching about "why don't I lose weight" it takes every bit of self-control I can muster to not blow my stack. I suppose it's a good exercise in self-control.

Other than that relationships have not been an issue. Everyone around me has been very supportive of my surgery and weight loss.

[JeffA70 200]

Your relationship is going to change. If it was good before, hopefully it'll stay good, but it might have been good because of a shared love of what food does for you both. If it was bad before, well, it's not likely to improve. If your dynamic was based on a kind of detente that you were both fat, that will change when she's suddenly 'the fat one.'

Mine's always had a weight issue and likely always will. I loved her then, and I love her now. I think there's a consistent, likely subconscious degree of sabotage going on. She's taken up baking more, for example. To me, this is a normal but unhealthy response. She can see people talking to me all the time about the weight I've lost, how great I look 'skinny,' etc.

The solid sex advantages of the weight loss aside, this procedure can truly strain relationships.

[Rovobay 920]

would love to share some thoughts, but not with all the female traffic in the male room. bariatric pal should change viewing preveileges. not sure how internet code works or if it is even possible. I know some claim that the get "confused" and don't realize that they are in the guys or gals room especially when they are on a mobile device. I guess my main awesome idea is to anyone posting a thread in the guys room should start it out like this:

GUYS ROOM!!! GUYS ROOM!!! GUYS ROOM!!! GUYS ROOM!!! (there would be no excuses then)

blah blah blah.........

even in the thread title start it with "Guys Room: blah blah blah"

personally I have never commented or deliberately visited the powder room out of sheer respect. hope we can get the same.

[Hawk7775 54]

Thanks to all responders. This is not the easiest topic to talk about. It's nice to get some perspective.

[brothamike 11]

Praying for you!