my teenage daughter is sick of me

[docbree 199]

My 16 year old daughter and I have a wonderful relationship. We are very much alike and make each other laugh every day. The worst part about being her mom is that she will be going away to college in 2 years and I will have an empty nest.

Like a lot of posters to this site - I have become obsessed with this journey. I have yet to have surgery, but finally made the decision to do so after lurking here for over 1 1/2 years.

She is understandably worried about me having the gastric sleeve surgery, but she wants me to be healthy so she is supportive (as much as she can be). She even went with me to meet the surgeon - but now she says she wants no part of it. She doesn't want me to come home from the hospital, she wants me to recuperate at my mom's. She has gotten to the point that if I mention anything about pre-surgical weight loss, possible plastic surgery in the future for saggy skin (I know, I know - I shouldn't have said anything to her about this - but we were watching "Botched," and it just came out).

I feel like I should lean more on the people on this site who can understand my obsession and fears - so that's what I'm going to try to do. I don't want to get upset every time I open my mouth.

[Lady VS 1,147]

I totally understand what you're saying but I never discussed these issues with my kids until after my surgery because I could no longer eat the way I used to. I talked to my best friend but for the most part I kept everything to myself. It was easier that way.

[Krystal W. 13]

I have done that to my daughter's I actually am trying to not focus on the surgery. They know it's happening but I am trying to focus on them.. Maybe just don't touch on that topic. if she brings up it, let her have the reigns to that conversation. My mother was not so great when she had her own RNY when I was 12, she made me worry she was going to die, and after coming home was very ME-CENTRIC, she also wasn't hungry and lived off tuna and crackers, and forgot to buy groceries for me. Not saying you will do this, I am sure you wont, but girls are sensitive to the idea of surgery and change. A tip would be to always have frozen meals ready for her, in case she is hungry.

[James Marusek 5,244]

That's a strange reaction. Is she afraid for your health? Has your obsession about the surgery driven her crazy? If that is the case, you might downplay any fears about the surgery. When I had the surgery, my wife stayed by my side the entire time I was in the hospital. It was good. It sure would be nice for your daughter to do the same thing for you.

[BeagleLover 1,020]

I think it's great that you are considering an effective fix for bring overweight. My doctor told me that my weight would take 10 years off my life. That's a LONG time! Please be confidant that you are doing the right thing for yourself and your family! Mid to late teens tend to be more me-centric and not as likely to think of it from your point of view. I think that, when she sees you after your surgery being happier and healthier, and more active, she will be relieved and glad you did it.

[ChristyAZ 87]

My daughter is 18 and we have an amazing relationship like you and your daughter. She was very supportive and stayed almost round the clock with me in the hospital however in the pre surgery stage, when I was obsessed with everything WLS she did get a tad grumpy...... so I asked her what the heck was up. She admitted that she wanted me healthy but she was afraid I would change and then so would our close relationship. She also said she afraid for me having problems and not coming home. With everything out in the open, we talked some and she researched some .... in the end, she was wholly on board and quite a help to me, Since the surgery, I have tried really hard to keep things the same. I cook for her occasionally, go out shopping (although in sort spurts and she understands I am still recovering and tire easily) ... we are planning on yoga classes together .... I just keep her as the most important as it always has been ..... the RNY was a procedure, not my life (in my opinion) ..... hope that helps!

[docbree 199]

Thank you all for the support and advice! I really think the reason she doesn't want to hear about it is fear. With her about to start her junior year in high school - believe me, 90% of the conversations we have are about her . She reacted similarly when I was in the hospital for pneumonia and then again when I had hernia surgery a couple of years ago. She just goes into a bit of panic mode. I will take your suggestions to heart - make sure I focus more on other things when I talk to her, and certainly don't forget to feed her . I'm sure I'll be posting a lot more to bariatric pal, too Bree

Oh - and I will remember that VSG is a procedure - not my life!

Edited August 19, 2014 by docbree

[finediva 979]

I am a single mom to a 16 yr old boy. I told him I was having a hernia repair. After surgery I called him and did not give him a clue that I was in any kind of pain and discomfort. Yes, I was. The day before surgery I cooked three different meals for him and made some omelets for him to reheat for Breakfast. The two fridges and freezer was well stocked with his frozen pizzas, etc. I started cooking simply things for him about 10 days out, but basically kept it simple with cold cuts and salads. I did all laundries. Basically I tried to make sure his life would not be interrupted. I came home and while he was supportive and very helpful to me. I basically took care of myself unless I needed a window pushed up or something heavy picked up. He was a little confused by my eating stages, but I explained that's the way it has to be until I heal. Teenagers are self centered and friend obsessed. They love us, but at 16 it's tough for them to absorb and process why we would willing do this surgery. Yes I'm overweight, but I still ride roller coasters with my son. He wouldn't want me to do this. I just asked God to please bring me back to him and he did.

[moonlitestarbrite 902]

having been my mother's support when my father died when i was 15, i can say that its a lot to lay on her shoulders. as much as teens can seem all grown up... emotionally they arent really adults and can feel burdened by having to be a big emotional support for a parent. i would strongly suggest you get your main support elsewhere... from adults. and make it clear that she will not be required to physically care for you after surgery. this can cause teens to be very uncomfortable. they already have a lot of issues regarding physical bodies and caring for a sick or recovering parent can be too much for some.

assume what she is actually telling you is that she is overwhelmed by the thought of your surgery and your need to be cared for afterwards.

[jacileggs 402]

I am a single mom with two kids at home. My kids, even the one who lives with her dad have been my biggest supporters. From attending preop appointments and driving me 5 hours round trip for surgery. As well as helping with shopping and chores and looking after the 15 year old. Especially my 15 year old daughter who is my biggest cheerleader. I couldn't have done this without them all. It's rewarding to see them so proud of me. I am down 95 lbs and into a size 8. Loving life again!

[ready2B 263]

I've raised two daughters and went through some serious surgeries when they were younger and it is hard on them too. Even at 16, they still want to be taken care of and they don't want to acknowledge that Moms are mortal. It's very scary for them. But they do grow out of that. Mine are adults now and even have volunteered to take off work to come help out when I have my surgery!

I think you are on the right track about leaning on others who are in the same boat instead. Kids can't carry adult burdens and it's easy to make that mistake when you have a really great relationship. They aren't our peers, at least not for a while longer. Let her just be a kid for a few more years and save your obsessions and fears with those who can not only handle it, but have been there before and can provide some strong support for you. I am trying to do the same with my husband, he's just not good at "all that emotional stuff' (his words).

[docbree 199]

having been my mother's support when my father died when i was 15, i can say that its a lot to lay on her shoulders. as much as teens can seem all grown up... emotionally they arent really adults and can feel burdened by having to be a big emotional support for a parent. i would strongly suggest you get your main support elsewhere... from adults. and make it clear that she will not be required to physically care for you after surgery. this can cause teens to be very uncomfortable. they already have a lot of issues regarding physical bodies and caring for a sick or recovering parent can be too much for some. assume what she is actually telling you is that she is overwhelmed by the thought of your surgery and your need to be cared for afterwards.

I totally agree with you - I lean on her too much. I have it very clear that she won't have to take care of me at all after surgery - either physically or emotionally - I will be staying at my moms house an hour away.

My mother is great support for me (now that she's finally on board with the surgery - and my husband is doing his best.

I'm really sorry you had so much put on your shoulders when you were young, and I'm so sorry that you lost your father.

[docbree 199]

[ I think you are on the right track about leaning on others who are in the same boat instead. Kids can't carry adult burdens and it's easy to make that mistake when you have a really great relationship. They aren't our peers, at least not for a while longer. Let her just be a kid for a few more years and save your obsessions and fears with those who can not only handle it, but have been there before and can provide some strong support for you. I am trying to do the same with my husband, he's just not good at "all that emotional stuff' (his words).

You are so right - I know you are. I'm tearing up a bit re-reading this. I know this advice really applies to me and her in general - not just about this surgery. I had her at 30 - and she's our only child. Even though we do have a mother/daughter relationship, I do consider her a friend as well. Feel so bad that I've put so much on her little shoulders over the years. I'm truly trying to stop doing that.

[Pepper123 320]

I have an 18 year old son and yes a do carry on about my weight and up coming surgery...when i got the news i was approved he said..Wow i hope u don't get skinny like me ...lol..teens love u but a bit self centered...later on he said congrats mum..please don't start that bit about wearing my jeans...lols...but on the other hand he did say we can go to the gym together... ...i just asked god to get me through this and make me healthy...maybe she's scared...give her time...good luck!!!

Edited August 20, 2014 by Pepper123

[playlikeworldchamps 595]

well you are doing the right thing now in my opinion by not discussing it with her any further. I am sure she must be worried about you. after the surgery you can probably discuss again.

I did the opposite. I told my 4 kids who were 13, 11 at the time the night before and my 21 and 19 year old I told after since they were away at college!

I just said I was going to the hospital to have an operation in the morning to help me lose weight and get healthier. and I'd see them after school the next day. they took it in stride. I figured if they did worry it would be for only a short time. I actually drove myself to the hospital when they got the bus. then he drove the other car to meet me. the following day I drove myself home from the hospital after discharge. my husband "picked me up" then drove me over to the other car. in fact we left a medication there and I had to drive back to pick it up! luckily it was only 4 miles away and I wasn't on any narcotic painkillers! but I digress... in any case be happy you have such a close relationship. I am sure afterwards it will be back to normal. teenagers are not teenangels that's for sure!