Being a supportive spouse - tips?

[sallysupportive 2]

Hi everyone, I have never joined a forum before but am interested in getting some feedback to my questions. My partner is due to have the roux-en-y surgery in about 8 weeks time. I have been struggling to find much information for spouses, or others experiences in supporting their spouses. I am really supportive of his decision but feel like it's a bit of a roller coaster at the moment. In the past we have dieted together (I am also obesely overweight) and have had some success, however in the last 12 months it has been a real struggle and we have both put the weight back on. He has gotten part of his super released to pay for the surgery as well as private health insurance. Since getting the money released though I feel like he is needing to consume more food - almost like a panic reaction. Is this normal? It really worries me because he is putting on extra weight. I know that in a couple of months time that won't really matter but it concerns me now. Should I just let it go and try and understand what he must be going through? We have talked about it occasionally, and he said that he is scared he won't be able to eat the things he loves ever again. He has other health issues as well, such as a bad back and knee problems, (of course the weight is only making them worse), and I am also concerned that he will do more damage. Would love to hear people's advice or what other weight loss surgery patients have experienced emotionally. I really appreciate it. Cheers, sallysupportive.

[MaxSil2 10]

I can't speak for the spouses, but I am having my op on Sept 4th. I had the same thoughts as your husband, but luckily have been able to control them. I've only been successful due to the fact that if I gain so much as a pound, my surgeon won't do the surgery. My instinct was to do exactly as your husband. The thought of not possibly eating my favourites ever again is mind boggling..... But he needs to keep the end goal in sight! Wishing him luck on his surgery....

[ready2B 263]

Hi - I think it is great you are on here asking how to be supportive! I am still pre-op and it hits me every now and then that there will be some of my favorite foods I likely won't be able to ever eat again like onion rings, carrot cake, etc. I've heard some people say that it's like mourning a loss. Right now though, I am on prescription diet pills that reduce my appetite and I've been using this waiting time to lose whatever weight I can. I try to remind myself daily that every pound I lose before the surgery will make my life just that much easier later. But I know if I wasn't on the pills, I might be having two months worth of "last meals!"

Edited to add: when I sat down to tell my husband of my decision to have weight loss surgery, he told me honestly how scared he was for my health because of my weight and all the effects of it. That truly moved me to tears - I had no idea that it frightened him that much. Maybe a good heart-to-heart with your partner might be helpful. Just share honestly your concerns, with lots of respect and without judgement. That's all you can really do, the rest is up to him how he needs to work through things.

Edited August 21, 2014 by ready2B

[sallysupportive 2]

Hi, thanks for the replies, and your honesty. In the last few days he has also slipped into a deep depression, brought on by the prospect of the surgery, his increased weight gain and also the fact he decided to give up smoking. We are just working through it, and I am really trying to not be critical or 'nag' about the food stuff. I know he will come through it, but is hard to see him so down. At least last night he acknowledged that he has put on more weight recently, but he is still not motivated to try and lose any at the moment. I know he needs to come to that decision on his own.

Thanks ready2B for your reply - we have had heart to hearts and he always acknowledges that he knows he is at a huge health risk. It is such a vicious circle with depression and food addiction. He is also the 'cook', as I work full time, so it makes it hard when he prepares nice food and I don't want to upset or offend him by not eating it. gosh.......... an emotional roller coaster.....

Anywho..... thanks for reading.

[ready2B 263]

Quitting smoking, fighting depression and trying to mentally and emotionally prepare for surgery is a lot to handle all at once. If he is like a lot of us, he probably uses food to self-medicate and comfort himself in times of intense stress. The good news is that he probably can't do a heck of a lot of damage in just 8 weeks. The woman who ran the support group for the weight loss hospital I am going to said she went totally "hog wild" for months before her surgery and ate everything in sight. I am sure there are a lot of people who do that. After all, most of us didn't get to this point by having strong willpower when it comes to food.

So, yes, I agree not nagging or being critical would be the most helpful. Let him go through what he needs to now and just be supportive and let him know you understand (or want to, if he thinks you don't fully.) He'll get there - maybe not until after surgery, but he will be eating healthier soon. Unless it is part of his insurance or doctor's requirements, he may not have to lose weight at this time. Just knowing all the huge changes surgery will require is daunting enough, some people want to start making some of them early, some don't want to do them one minute before they have to.

But if his depression is bad though, you might want to see if he will talk to someone about that. That's more of a concern than what he is eating right now.

[sallysupportive 2]

Thank you ready2B, I really appreciate your words of wisdom. I think I just get so worried about him, but yes I see your point. He may put on another 10 kilos in 8 weeks but it's not the end of the world because the surgery will be life changing. He is someone who always has to do things full on! So I'll just deal with the 'hog wild' stage. I mean he's not going out eating pizzas and fried take away all day, so I'll just try to keep that in mind. I guess too I'm also worried about myself because while the 'bad' food is around I'm eating it too (or he's cooking it and I don't want to be critical) and I don't really need to put on any more. I will have to lose my weight without surgery.

Thanks again.

[music1618 879]

Please understand that we all process this differently. I remember my hubby and I going out for what I considered my last meal forever.

Well 2 years later I can tell you that was not my last meal ever. I eat normal everyday food now. He will be able to eat things again, but it will take a while. He will have to learn to be at peace and harmony with his new pouch. It will take him to places he does not expect. Both good and bad places. You learn so much about who you are during this process.

As a spouse you too are going to have challenges. It will be hard when he just wants to eat a piece of pizza, and his brain is screaming for it not to give in. It will be hard seeing him missing his best friend and not be able to make that better. You will have to help him discover new best friends like exercise!

Best advise I can give you is keep the lines of communication open and honest. Have heart to heart talks with him and really listen to what he says.

Good luck!!