How do you handle the attention?

[ready2B 263]

As I am getting all my ducks in a row before I have surgery, I am also trying to prepare myself emotionally. One of the things that bothered me the most in the past when I lost a lot of weight was all the attention that brings. It was nice at first having people comment on how good I looked, but after a while of every single encounter with people being so focused on my appearance, it became very uncomfortable! People would stop whatever they were talking about, every head would turn towards me and for the rest of that time, my outward appearance was the topic of discussion. By the time I got to my goal, I wanted to hide any time anyone mentioned how much weight I'd lost. Or I wanted to scream "there is so much more about me than how I look!" (And of course I felt like I was under constant scrutiny as I gained it all back even though everyone became suddenly silent about my appearance then.) Since this time, after I have WLS, it will be more weight and even faster, I know I will have to deal with that all over again. I am sure it will be a shocking change.

You know, I just realized as I was writing this, why it may have bothered me so much. My "normal" healthy weight body is how I see myself all the time - I mean that is who I consider the "real me" inside too. When I am this much overweight, there is a huge disconnect between what I see in the mirror and who I think I am as a person. We just moved here 18 months ago, so none of my new friends have ever known me as that person. They only know me as the fattest person in the room, the one who struggles to squeeze into the booth when we go out to eat, or who has to decline going to the movies because the seats hurt my back & hips so much because I am too big. They only know the person who doesn't bother much at all with hair, makeup or nice clothes because it seems futile to me to try. Most the time, I try very hard not to think about all that when I am with people. I try to completely ignore the shame I feel and in a way it is like an out of body experience. I disconnect completely from what I look like or I'd never leave the house. I have to pretend no one really sees how I actually look, and I've had to do this for a long long time. When they comment, it means they DO see! So, no wonder it is so incredibly uncomfortable!

Before when I’d lost almost 100 lbs I had no idea about the attention it would bring, but this time I know to expect it and I want to be better prepared. I’d love to hear from those of you who have already had surgery and had a similar experience, how you have handled this, outwardly and inwardly.

[par1959 470]

I thought I would hate it, but I really like the complements. My most common responce is a simple "thank you"

[gowalking 10,790]

I was actually out of the office on medical leave for a period of several months and by the time I got back, I was virtually unrecognizable. I mean literally, people didn't know who I was. It was very disconcerting and uncomfortable but it does pass and people get used to the way you look and the comments stop. As far as no one saying anything as your weight goes up, the hope with WLS is that we don't gain it back.

Good luck and hoping you will become the person you see in your head soon enough.

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

I was very worried pre op as you are. 80+ pounds down the comments are coming daily. At work I've told a few people about my band but mostly I just say I've changed my whole life and took my doctor's advice to lose the weight so I wouldn't die young. People generally accept that. Of course they ask how. I say I cut carbs and eat way less and walk walk walk. All true. If they ask how much I've lost I say a lot. If they ask again I say you KNOW I'm not going to give you a number, right? And laugh. I gently tell them for someone as big as me it's a big number before anybody notices. Usually they then realize how personal they were in asking. I try to make them feel ok for asking while not giving up my personal info if I'm uncomfortable. I also tell them I'm only halfway to goal and that usually elicits a "no way", to which I reply "way, but I'll get there this time".

Your attitude may change as you drop weight. Mine did. I'm glad I feel strong and healthy and look better. I've also had to replace a lot of clothes. Goodwill is my friend now.

I may have changed my view on this because I just filed for divorce, and the positive reinforcement from acquaintances is a boost to my fragile self esteem right now. No matter. I'm in charge of this decision and for today I choose to share certain details with some people and not others.

Early on it pissed me off that others only recognized me after I dropped weight. Well I've since come to believe that being angry over that is useless. I'll choose to accept the compliments with grace and under my terms and only share what I choose to share. One overweight coworker asked me sincerely how I did it and I shared my band story. She's thinking about starting her own band process now. So there's pros and cons in sharing the real details. Maybe, just maybe, my experience can actually save another life. Wow, huh?

Do what YOU want. But then let it go. You cannot control the comments you receive. So take it a day at a time. And good luck to you! This forum is saving my sanity daily.

[Teachamy 1,042]

Great post! Thank you for sharing your insight. I know exactly how you feel about how you view the "real you" at your normal weight. My old friends and family told me "you look like the old Amy" when I lost my weight. People who never knew me thin said"you look so different." It was odd for me to hear. Inside, I always felt of myself at my healthy weight.

Now that I have lost my weight, I have learned to strut a little bit better. I give a lot of details about the process to my friends when they ask about it. When others ask how much I've lost I say, "I've lost a lot." I also try to answer their "outward appearance comments" by talking about my health improvements.

I figure it's my story to tell. And I figure as time goes on, they'll get over it.

[cutlass6521 127]

poorly!! that is how I handle attention. I like to fly under the radar. no such luck since the surgery.

I feel exactly like the same person I was before. Is there something wrong with me? I enjoy all the company of friends and family-same as when I was fatter. LOL

[KristinaRnY 455]

I have the hardest time taking compliments. It's like I'm not used to them, they make me feel awkward, and half the time I'm unsure I believe them. But now that they are coming more frequently and from more people I myself am finally starting to believe, hey maybe they are right. Right now I am trying to learn how to say thank you and take a compliment instead of pretending I didn't hear it and quickly changing the subject, or laughing, or saying "ya right". It's all so new.

[Jack 855]

One of the best 'come to realize THAT your size has changed tools I found, was to keep the same old fat-clothes I wore the day of surgery.

They were elastic banded hiking shorts, size 56-58.

Every once in awhile hold them up to yourself, or slip the old duds on, just to help reinforce where we were and how far we've come.

It helps reinforce the vague realization that 'No, you AREN'T the largest person in the room anymore.

Odd thing, as I lost nearly 100#, I no longer was invisible to store clerks.....unsure how that works...

Many Bandsters seem to have some form of 'bodily dysmorphia'. What we make of ourselves requires becoming health on multiple aspects of ourselves.

I don't believe denying were are/were morbidly obese, is much different than denying were are/will become 'normo size' .....and that such is due to our own exertions and personal attention to detail.

[James Marusek 5,244]

What I found interesting is that after the surgery and weight loss, many people I know no longer recognized me. Sometimes they would stare and try and figure out who I am. I found it very enjoyable to replace my wardrobe. It feels good to look good.

[diva2theband 2]

Hi There Ready2B,

It is a bit of a pain that everyone comments on how good you look since loosing the weight. I always wondered what the heck did you think of me before.

Having said that, take it with a grain of salt and enjoy the non scale victories, for example, going upstairs and not being out of breath, having more energy, walking further cause it doesn't hurt so much, having underwear that doesn't crawl up ( you know where), wearing a bra without back fat.

We will never change those that comment on matters of the waistline, but we can respond and not react. By this I mean, the only thing we can do is choosing our response and remembering that our spirit is more important than our size. Be in touch with how you feel and let the comments flow over you and move on to being who you want to be.

For those who are constantly talking about your weight, well perhaps you need a rest from them for awhile if their contact is not healthy for you.

With the band the likelihood of regaining is very slim, no pun intended, so this time will be different!

Go grab life by the ______ ( you fill in the blank)

Sincerely,

Diva2the band

[skinnygirlwithin 693]

Reading your post, I find myself relating to your story… I was thin till I was about 30/31 years old… so for the last 10 years I have put on weight for one reason or another – but I too didn’t match what I saw in the mirror… now 8months post op and a 100lbs lighter, I look back at pictures and have no idea who that person was for the last 10 years… I always knew there was a “skinny girl within” so when people who didn’t know me before I gained weight say “omg you look so different” I just smile and say well I am still the same on the inside… or a simple “Thank you.. I think..” and then normally they realize that they kind of crossed that invisible line of offending you with a compliment… and then they kind of back tract…

Most of my coworkers know that I had this surgery, I just couldn’t really hide it… there are just too many big mouths and there was just no point in trying to lie about it… HOWEVER – in my life outside of work, only close family & friends know. It’s not something I post, blog or brag about… I have had a lot of people that are not in my everyday life ask me what I am doing, and I tell them I cut all pork, Pasta, rice, breads & alcohol… (which is the truth – I just have left out the part where they took out 90% of my stomach) I do feel bad, but half the time I just feel like they are being nosey.

[dbsylvest 21]

<p>One of the best 'come to realize THAT your size has changed tools I found, was to keep the same old fat-clothes I wore the day of surgery.</p> <p> </p> <p>They were elastic banded hiking shorts, size 56-58.</p> <p> </p> <p>Every once in awhile hold them up to yourself, or slip the old duds on, just to help reinforce where we were and how far we've come.</p> <p> </p> <p>It helps reinforce the vague realization that 'No, you AREN'T the largest person in the room anymore.</p> <p> </p> <p>Odd thing, as I lost nearly 100#, I no longer was invisible to store clerks.....unsure how that works...</p> <p> </p> <p>Many Bandsters seem to have some form of 'bodily dysmorphia'. What we make of ourselves requires becoming health on multiple aspects of ourselves.</p> <p> </p> <p>I don't believe denying were are/were morbidly obese, is much different than denying were are/will become 'normo size' .....and that such is due to our own exertions and personal attention to detail.</p>

great post I really can go with what you said . Changing our brains is as difficult as the first few weeks of this life time journey!

[aroundhky 1,174]

It felt awkward to me at first and I probably just plain didn't know what to say. The comments to me are almost always positive, so now I'll just smile and say thanks. I'm appreciative, since there's a lot worse things people could say to me.

[CrazyJaney 775]

Great post! You're gonna do great and you'll find your voice and the tools to deal with it all. I know we PM'ed about this but I just have to say, you are so normal going through all this preop! I so get what you're saying!

[Wallflower7522 328]

It annoys me honestly. I wish people would think before they speak. There are about 1500 people in my office. I've worked on several departments over the years, so I frequently notice people staring at me, it's usually someone I haven't seen in a while but it gets old. Having people you barely know or that you don't know ask you question about your body just gets old.

The other day I saw my coworker I sit with pretty much checking me out and then he said very awkwardly "you're so skinny now." This is the same guy that once told me I looked pregnant in a photo. It hard because I still don't see myself that way. In the end, I decided to just take this one as a compliment because I know he's a bit of a ditz sometimes.

I think it's going to take some time for me to see myself as being smaller. In my head I know it, I don't worry about being the fat girl everywhere I go, but I don't see it in the mirror.