Ugh my Mother!

[lose4life2 152]

OKay I have a rant as I'm preparing for my upcoming surgery. I told my mom about the surgery well because I didn't think it was fair to going into surgery and not tell your parents. Maybe I was wrong. Ever since I told her about it she has been driving me crazy. I live in Florida, she in Illinois. She calls and the conversation always goes to the surgery. I have been on my weight management for a couple months and actually meet the last time Friday. She always says "are you still eating your six small meals? Are you losing weight? Why don't you just keep doing that? OMG I WANT TO SCREAM!!!!! So I was adopted and my mom, her sister, my cousins are all small. All have weighed 130 or less pounds their whole life. Small hands wear size 4 1/2 and 5 rings, etc. when I was in high school I weighed top weight 150. Now I'm 5'6" and I was in gymnastics and cheer. According to my mom 150 was too much and by the time I graduated senior year and having my mom make my food for me and that's all I could eat I weighed 123. I wish I was 150 and maybe just maybe I will return to that weight. I'm going to have this surgery....but why does she drive me so crazy about it? I can't lose weight on a diet. I have been on everyone out there and have spent millions on diets. Get over it Mom. Okay rant over.......

Edited August 14, 2014 by lose4life2

[4me4them 381]

Mom and weight relationships are the hardest...I can sympathize AND empathize with you! Hang in there and define your happy weight for yourself. I'm going to experience it first hand...I finish my 3 months supervised diet on Oct 7th....but I'm not having surgery till later in November because my husband and I had a 2 week trip planned in October to go see my folks (73/75) and his folks (78/76).

My mom has already started...."Oh I guess that means we wont get a Bonnie Bells cake while you are here" or "you'll have to tell us what to cook while you are here" Or "does that mean you don't want to go to Muriel's (awesome Italian rest). I know that the whole time I'm there every bit will be scrutinized...

Sigh...but I love her and like you I couldn't not tell her...good luck and thanks for listening

[HealthyNewMe 1,935]

I'm not defending your mom....... I'm 54 and my 90 year old mom (who has weighed 120-124 pounds her whole life) used to drive me crazy about what I ate, when I was dieting, did I exercise, etc. You are right, SHE HAS NO CLUE what your life is like. But as a mother myself, I can tell you one thing for sure....... She's scared about the surgery and her daughter having "elective" surgery. Best wishes!!!!!!

[lose4life2 152]

Oh yes I understand that as well. She's nervous. I'm a mother too and I worry about my kids every day. It just seems she belittles it is all. And thanks for the best wishes.

[lose4life2 152]

Mom and weight relationships are the hardest...I can sympathize AND empathize with you! Hang in there and define your happy weight for yourself. I'm going to experience it first hand...I finish my 3 months supervised diet on Oct 7th....but I'm not having surgery till later in November because my husband and I had a 2 week trip planned in October to go see my folks (73/75) and his folks (78/76). My mom has already started...."Oh I guess that means we wont get a Bonnie Bells cake while you are here" or "you'll have to tell us what to cook while you are here" Or "does that mean you don't want to go to Muriel's (awesome Italian rest). I know that the whole time I'm there every bit will be scrutinized... Sigh...but I love her and like you I couldn't not tell her...good luck and thanks for listening

Good luck on your visit home!! I completely get that. I'm hoping middle September for my date. I'll find out Friday how long they think and if we can possibly set a date and keep fingers crossed with insurance or if I have to wait.

[Josefina1210 12]

Ugh! Your mom just doesn't understand, but I'm sure she thinks she's helping because she cares. Your rant has inspired me though. I have a friend who isn't necessarily against me having the surgery, but she thinks it's too much work. She was asking me questions about all the requirements (the sleep study, the monthly appointments, the psych evaluation, etc.) and she goes "wouldn't it just be easier to exercise and eat right?" I wanted to choke her! If it was that easy, I would have done it already! Some people just don't get it!!!

[New nana 30]

I think she is asking you these things because she cares. Le me tell you...my precious Mama died 10 years ago this coming October from ALS otherwise known as Lou Gehrigs disease. You really should be thanful that you still have your Mom and ha she cares. Nobody in he world cares about you like your Mom. I would give ANYTHNG to be able to have a conversation with my Mama. Be patient with you. she just simply loves you. I wish I had my Mama (or Daddy, he has passed away as well) alive to care about me.

[terrydumont46 1,954]

I can understand some ppl feeling the way your mom does. for crying out loud I feel the same way. why couldn't I lose the wt. on my own? I did it for years. successfully yo yo'ing, but for whatever reasons my health became deadly, can't get anymore dead than your heart stopping, and I tried nutria system, weight watchers, south beach diet, zero carbs, watching calories and I watched my wt climb and climb until I hit 296. I couldn't lose anymore. diabetes was out of control and all the ppl close to me knew how hard I tried to diet. that is why I don't get what you are getting. I hope as you lose wt. you will gain confidence to be able to explain yourself to your mom and siblings so they can understand what you have gone through. I wish you a lot of luck on your road to feeling healthy

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

(sigh)

Rants like yours (I loved it!) are important because it describes how hard it is for human beings to understand that EVERYBODY IS NOT JUST LIKE THEM.

It takes an Enlightened person to appreciate that just because you and I both go through the same life events, we have not had the same experiences.

Human beings (even those in the same families) have different physiologies, personalities, early childhood experiences, social experiences, sexual preferences and orientations, spiritual and political ideologies, and other differences. That stew of many differences produce dramatically different individual needs, preferences, styles, capabilities, strengths and weaknesses.

Instead, most of us respond like this: "Gee, this works for ME! Why doesn't it work for you? You must be doing it wrong!"

[MichiganChic 3,262]

@@lose4life2 you asked why your mom drives you so crazy about having surgery - I bet it's both complicated and simple at the same time. From the simple, obvious perspective, she loves you and worries about you. She wants what is best for you, and she knows there is risk, and probably doesn't want that for you. It's what's on her mind, so that what you hear.

Deeper down, there probably is something more complex going on with her. Like, she tried to teach you - where did she go wrong? And, Why do you have to do something so drastic - when you just did what she said, you weighed 123 pounds! See, you ARE losing weight, so you don't need surgery. You just have to get control of yourself and avoid all this risk - maybe if I say it one more time, you'll FINALLY understand the truth! I bet the list of thoughts running through her head and in the back of her mind are endless, but all spurred by concern and love for you.

My advice, as both the daughter of a mother (who lost 80 pounds without surgery and kept if off for 30 years), and as a mother (who would do anything for my adult children's safety), is to just let it roll. Do the best you can to reassure her, and change the subject. I bet she will come around once she sees your success and happiness. My mom did

[Andrew0929 1,101]

I didn't tell my 83 year mom about my WLS and am sure that was the right decision. She's been hounding me about weight loss my entire life and always has an abundance of bad advice. This would have been a nightmare ...

Interestingly, she keeps saying that everyone must think I had "that surgery", but I'm sure she doesn't know as she's not shy about expressing her opinions.

[jessiquoi 623]

oh, geez, this is making me nervous about telling my mom. she's a consummate worrier, and i had decided to tell her right before surgery, when i get my date. like you, i can't imagine not telling my mother i had surgery (god forbid something happened and she found out after the fact, she would kill me if i wasn't already dead lol). but i figured i would give her the smallest allowable window to express her worries to me.

mom will be supportive in her way (offering to come take care of me, or most probably sending me a check), but she will do it with a frown on her face and a catch in her voice as she struggles to keep her fears from me. i know it all comes from love but i hate having to listen to it and see it. actually, i resent having to worry about my mother worrying! so i try to choose not to.

anyway, just wanted to say i get what you're going through. remember that when people worry, it's their choice, and not your responsibility. there's a quote i have taped to my desk: "worrying never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy." i try to remember that when i worry about her worrying.

[Andrew0929 1,101]

I neglected to mention that I told my mom I was having surgery for a hiatal hernia ...

[Bandista 7,466]

@@lose4life2 I think we need to be friends! As soon as I saw the post title, I got it. Like you, I am adopted -- and my Mom and her sisters, cousins, etc. are all petite. I'm 5'6" (hey, your stats say you are three feet tall, lol, need to fix that in your profile). My mother is a professional dieter even though she's never really been fat. But I have, and she has given me every diet book on the market for the last twenty years. Then obsessed over how "this one is IT." Currently she is on the most restrictive one I've ever seen -- and believe me, I know from restriction -- and she has my father, 89, on it, too. It's very clear she is trying to control him because he is starting to slip away. He has dementia and she wants to reverse that by having him off of all grains, dairy, any sweet vegetables like beets and carrots, etc. It's a nightmare. They live in a retirement facility and now he can't have a little custard, etc. He's so skinny -- it's elder abuse, really. And all those supplements, gagging down the coconut oil, one fad after the other. She's 87 and so obsessive that I knew I couldn't tell her. And you know what? I'm a 10 in jeans vs. 18 nine months ago, I've lost my Winnie-the-Pooh belly and she has barely mentioned it. Yes, I'm a mother, too. I know mothers are great -- but they are not all the same. Okay, going for a walk. Thanks for the therapy! And, really, we should be friends! Best wishes for your upcoming surgery -- such exciting times. You are choosing yourself and your healthy future. Way to go!

[Dee_RNY 43]

I live in Florida.

What part? Im near Pensacola. Im so glad my mom has been supportive. She can tend to drive one crazy too but so far so good on this subject. She's been petite her whole life.