My Post-Divorce Life

Butterfly07 · April 30, 2007

Hello All!

I am formerly Wonderkidsmom, who had that huge thread titled Divorce that detailed my rather bympy journey to my divorce after 22 years of marriage.

At the behest of many of you, in recognition of my new life, I've changed my name to reflect my new life. When I was in Scotland last summer, I saw a program on bypass/banding surgery and the surgeon they interviewed said that she views the transformation of sucessfull patients as the same as a caterpilliar (sp?) turning into a butterfly. That struck a major nerve with me, and I've adoped it as my personal symbol.

ok, so here's an update on me...

I've lost 116 pounds total since my surgery a year and a half ago (need to update my avatar, I know). I was wearing a size 28 pants and now wear a 16.. I'm still hiking, kickboxing, doing step, weights and treadmill and slowly losing.

I've been at my new job for 2 weeks now, was so very hard to leave the school where I'd worked for the last 7 years, but this while being new and different is much more relaxed and less stressful.

Loving my apartment, had a "Freedom Party" last weekend to Celebrate my newly single status, new job, new apartment, new life really. 30 of my closest female friends came and we just had a wonderful time.

Both kids are doing better, in 10 days I'll have a son who is another year closer to completing his college degree, and a daughter who survived a very truamatic freshman year in high school. They both have their good and bad days, but I think they'll weather this storm ok after all.

I'm feeling very blessed at the friends, both on the net and in my day to day life that helped literally sometimes keep me alive and get me through the last year of very, very hard times.

I can truly say that as I type this I'm happier with myself and my life than I've ever been.

That's not to say that there are only smooth waters in my life, my ex-husband is giving me huge problems with my daughter (trying to co-parent with him is fruitless and very agrivatting), him paying me my expenses, him being a jerk and reminding me why I divorced him.

Two quick examples, he runs a local hotel, and a few weeks ago as a result of a traffic accident where I got a ticket, I went to driving school to get said ticket dismissed, and they assigned me to his hotel.

He was NOT there, but I've known most of his staff for a very long time & I chatted a while with one, and just told her that I found out he'd been dating on Match.com for quite a while, by his own admission as well as my own discovery, that he's very angry with me and how when I had to be rushed to the hospital from work he dumped me in the parking lot without even making sure I was able to get inside ok (heart problem - stress related am fine). Anyway, she called him to say she was going home early, sickened by what she'd heard and he called my & screamed at me, threatened to have me arrested if I ever stepped onto "his" property again.

I have about 6 good friends who are local police officers and they all laughed and said not to worry, they probably wouldn't even respond to a call about someone who has legitimate business on the property peacefully going about their business.

Second thing, we BOTH still own the house, I was trying to be fair and allow him two years to re-finance the house out of my name & buy me out, but in the meantime, since I am on the loan, I am also on the title. My attorney says to treat it like I was a landlord. I have a right to legally enter the property on rare occasions to check to make sure it's in good shape and no unauthorized changes have been made.

I went to get my daughter & her animals this afternoon and transport them to my house, and he literally slammed the door on my (almost hit me) and screamed profanity at me about how much money he had and what a Bi&!h I was and how he'd have me arrested if I went on that property again. He called & screamed the "F" word at me after I left, my daughter began to cry about it so I let his repeated call after that go to voice mail, where he left a messgae humming. UGH!

Lastly, I'm sure I'll get lots of feedback on this, but I have begun seeing someone. He's been a friend of mine for over 8 years, and we always found each other attractive and flirted, but we've also worked together that entire time & seen each other through very hard times personally & professionally. We've been angry at each other and made each other laugh, and we're taking it slow, but he makes me realize that all the things I'd wanted from my ex but never received were in fact reasonable for a man to give me. He makes my heart sing and I feel alive again.

Anyway, thanks for caring, please feel free to respond, I'll continue to update you from time to time on my life saga.

Thanks all! :clap2:

edieparks · April 30, 2007

Butterfly,

I love your new name.

Divorce IS SO HARD.

I was 22 when my parents split after 25 years. It is hard on whole family.

I really feel bad for you.

After 5 years my mom is grateful the divorce happened. The split put my Mother in hospital for 3 weeks over weight loss. Her doctor admitted her at 94lbs 5'4" and after 3 weeks let her get out at 98lbs.

Then everything before,during and after is a soap opera.

I am a only child and HAD to take a side. Of course I went with my Mother who has MS.

So good for you on your new life and great going on your weight loss.

Here's to a healthier outside and in time a healthier inside too.

edie

Butterfly07 · May 3, 2007

Thanks for the support.

Tell me, what is your relationship with your father? How should I handle things with my kids. I confess to crying to my son today on the phone and spilling a bit about how hurt I am that he seems to have no time for me and I miss our very close relationship.

I have refused to say anything bad about the ex to the kids but it's very hard, makes me feel like I am letting his lies sit out there...

I'd appreciate your (any anyone else's) input, I think having had your parents split when you were an adult after a long marriage would help.

thanks!

edieparks · May 3, 2007

I can honestly say my Mother has never said anything bad about my father. I think she is strong and a good role model for me.

When my father asked who are you going to choose me or your mother ...I of course picked Mom with MS and he said ok, I no longer have a daughter. That was the end of our relationship back in 1982.

So with my experience (lol) hold your tongue and you will be repaid in the long run no matter how MUCH it hurts or burns you up now.

Try not to cry to your son , I understand you need a shoulder to lean on but that is putting TOO MUCH on your son. Find your help somewhere but not with your children . You are suppose to be their soft place (Dr Phil) to land.

Just MY thoughts and opinion,

edie

Butterfly07 · May 3, 2007

Thanks, I will continue to take the "higher ground".

I meant that I cried to my son only about he and I and how it bothered me that he seems to never have "time" for me. And that was only after he asked me why I seemed to think he was avoiding me. He used to call/text me every few days and now he doesn't and doesn't respond to my calls or texts.

I will take your advise and not tell him that too, it's just that my children are the only thing I cry about....

Anyone else have feedback?

Also, band related, I seem to have more restrictions at lunchtime (wierd?) and seems no matter what I eat I can't hold it down...and am getting bored with my meals any ideas for new foods?

Thanks!

NicksWife22 · May 3, 2007

First let me say Congratulations on your new life and best wishes on future success! I love the new name!

I didn't read your divorce thread so I don't know everything he has done to you. From reading your email I can suggest a couple things if I may. Never go back to that house. Whether you are rightfully entitled to by 'law' or not, that to me is asking for trouble and borderline crossing the line. Same for the hotel. Stay away from these places. They will be trouble every single time even if your intentions are good. If you have to pick up your daughter wait on the street in your car.

Second, the best thing you can do as a mother is not trash talk their father, and you don't so that's great. I know it's hard. (I have a hellish mother to my 2 stepdaughters. I hate her with a bitter passion.) Just love those kids and never put them in the middle. Support them and be there for them. They will love you for it when they are grown enough to understand that this divorce isn't their fault. You'll make it through. Just keep your head up and don't let your ex get you down.