Death of my husband 7 weeks today and up 23 pounds since January.

[Lisa's Hope 421]

As most of you know, the love of my life passed away at the age of 48 on June 8. He was really my world but I know I have to move on. I'm up 23 pounds since his diagnosis and death in the past 6 months. The last 10 pounds came on quick. I've actually put off my blood work for 6 months and am having this done on Wed. I do not have a thyroid so if my levels are off it could cause some of the gain. I honestly do not eat. I know that is part of the problem. I don't eat food much and when I do I get nauseous. I drink lattes and frappes and eat fudge sickles and just sugar liquid that just goes right on down and gives me the a good feeling of comfort for awhile. Caffeine and sugar. Sugar the devil! I'm so disappointed in myself. I know that my husband wouldn't want me to do this. I try every day to do better but to no avail. I've tried sugar free crap. I hate it. Unfortunately, the sugar is my comfort and my demise. I am 2 years and 2 months out and I kept off my weight until his diagnosis in January. I know that people say that a 20 lb weight gain is pretty normal this far out but I never made it to goal. I feel so fat and terrible. I can't wear my size 10 or 12's and now its back to a 14/16. I just hate it. Lord, I need help.

I'm attaching a poem I wrote called "Heaven On A Sunday". This is exactly how the last day of my husbands life really was. I know I'm traumatized because taking care of him for the last 6 months and losing him is just so much to handle. Seeing cancer eat up the person you love so very much. Seeing him go from 48 to looking 90 is beyond what I can comprehend. I miss him very much. Thanks for reading and I appreciate all of you.

Heaven On A Sunday

You left me on a Sunday.

My life will never be the same.

Such a day of suffering for you and me;

But yours was so much more to be.

You tried to talk but could not.

Still things you and I needed to say.

You tried to grab my hand to say good bye,

But you had no strength left inside.

You turned to look at me with those once beautiful eyes.

Now showing stress of your long journey of this terrible thing inside.

You seem to say to me everything would be okay.

You were on your way to Heaven on this Sunday.

As I watched your breath so labored and hard,

Your chest rises and falls.

My heart breaks into pieces to never be whole again.

I see the pain you have endured and the scars on your body of a battle you fought so very hard.

Tears rolled down my cheeks for the last time your name I call.

I kiss your lips and tell you to go with our Savior.

I watch you with my heart overflowing with love,

As life leaves your face and you look at me for the very last time.

I know you have gone above.

Your body relaxes and my heart is crushed.

I know my life will never be the same.

God took you home at seven on a Sunday.

I can’t seem to get away from the pain.

I live with the pain of losing you everyday.

I relive each and every heartbreaking moment of that Sunday.

I pray for strength, Grace, and Mercy.

God please take my pain away.

I pray the pain will lessen and my heart won’t break as much next Sunday as today.

God took you home on a Sunday.

I miss you more than I can say.

If I had a choice of what day our Lord would come for me,

I have to say, I would choose to go to Heaven on a Sunday.

Just like the Lord took you that day.

Written by Lisa Beckermann for her Love Barry Bear.

[Who Dat 70461 331]

So sorry for your loss. We will keep you in our prayers.

[Pelicanlady 122]

So sorry for you loss Lisa. Please don't be too hard on yourself. You have been through so much in the past 7 months. You will get back on track. Know that the love of your life is watching over you. Keeping you in my prayers.

[UK Cathy 977]

Lisa, so sorry for your loss. Are you getting any help or counselling? You have been through so much these past months.

Your poem is beautiful.

((Hugs)) XX

[Sassy Pants1 186]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Your poem is lovely.

[BeagleLover 1,020]

I feel so sad for you. Beautiful poem. Please don't be hard on yourself!

[lsereno 2,525]

Lisa,

Please consider Protein drinks and Vitamins until you are able to eat more. They will help protect your body. Start small; drink three Protein Drinks a day and take a multi vitiamin with Iron, a D3, and once per week a B1 and a sublingual B12. Please consider Calcium too. Three citricals twice per day is what my program recommends.

Keep trying different Protein Drinks till you find one you like. For me, it was Optimum Nutrition whey Gold Standard in French vanilla. I mixed it with a packet of Starbucks Via Decaf french roast. I also liked powders?utm_source=BariatricPal&utm_medium=Affiliate&utm_campaign=CommentLink" target="_ad" data-id="1" >unjury chicken when I wanted something not sweet.

Greek Yogurt with sugar if you don't like artificial sweeteners is another good Protein choice.

My heart and thoughts are with you during your difficult days.

Lynda

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Lisa,

It isn't the same but I had a horrible loss of my sister from breast cancer that spread to her bones at age 40. We were raised like twins, super close, lived near each other all our lives, talked daily - very bonded sisters and best friend. I thought we would grow old together but instead I saw her destroyed by the cancer and even the treatment at times. Horrifying and traumatic beyond the loss. We looked alike so seeing her turn into a 95 year old in front of my eyes hit me to the core. I did daily care too.

Anyway I am sharing my story so I can tell you what not to do... get depressed and anxious and lonely and gain a bunch of weight. I did that and it didn't work out for me I highly recommend some type if therapy for the trauma aspect... I did EMDR ..Google it..but also talk etc therapy if that's more your thing. I didn't do the grief therapy nor did I accept that I had anxiety. Apparently food works to bury anxiety and pain for me so I didn't feel it so much until I stopped over eating. I am suggesting that you get help with these overwhelming emotions rather than burying them.

I love coffee but reducing my caffeine was one aspect of improving my mood situation. Get decent sleep.

I went through a grieving recently (post sleeve goal) and had trouble eating like you are describing. I didn't turn to liquid calories like you have but lost unplanned weight. It was a little concerning and my docs were worried that my eating pattern was a downward spiral. I took it seriously and started forcing myself to eat small quantities of healthy food - dense Protein and veggies several times a day. I started noticing I ate better out with friends. ..so i did that a few times a week. Had a Premier Protein once a day.

Over time my eating returned to normal and I am maintaining a healthy weight. My anxiety is much improved. Your physical and emotional health is intertwined.

[Katcloudshepherd 630]

Lisa,

So sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going thourgh.

Lord, take Lisa in your arms and comfort her. Be with her and help her to do what she needs to do to become healthy.

May God keep you in his care,

Kathleen

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

I'm so sorry for your loss Lisa. My boyfriend lived with me when he had stomach cancer and I took care of him. It's extremely difficult to go through. It will get somewhat easier as time passes.

That is a beautiful poem you wrote.

[NMJG 1,266]

Best wishes to you. Sending hugs your way.

[mistysj 1,940]

Thank you for sharing your struggle with us. I appreciate it. You are helping us all and I hope you are finding the support you need. One thing I carry with me from 12 step programs (I know it's not quite the same) is "we are only as sick as our secrets" and I am a believer in sharing as part of healing.

[MichiganChic 3,262]

Lisa,

What a beautiful poem - it's such a testament of your deep love for your husband. Your pain is palpable through it, so I can only imagine how your daily struggles must be. It is hard to stay on track with daily "normal" life stressors, but a death is different thing. I know from experience that gaining wight only adds to our stress, makes us feel even worse and more sad, if that's possible. I think that going to the doctor is a good first step for you, as is your post here. You are recognizing that you need to do something to change the trajectory of this course you are on. I'm not going to give you advice on what to eat, you already know what to do. I'm going to wish you well, offer my prayers and support, and remind you that you DO have it in you to take care of yourself. You said yourself, it's what your husband would want for you. Please just do the best you can, and go easy on yourself. Let us know how you are.

[carstanger 346]

So sorry for your continued loss.. Loved your poem!! We can't change things for you, but we can listen are here for you!!

[Lisa's Hope 421]

Thank you all for your love and support. I appreciate all of your advice. It really does help me.

I went to the Dr. yesterday and I am now waiting on blood work results. He did say that I have Vitamin deficiency because my taste buds on the back of my tongue are swollen. I'd never heard of that. Also, the thinks my thyroid (tsh) levels are off. He is very thorough. He is my PCP not my surgeon. I also am having spasms as before caused by the bile reflux and as always they want me to revise. I have to keep that on hold for a bit longer.

Thanks again for the support. I appreciate all of you!!