Miserable - Relationship Sucks

[Kissifur 244]

Smoking has a detrimental effect on the entire family. Unless the person is fortunate enough to die some other (quick) way, smoking WILL kill them and it is a terrible, agonizing, senseless way to die. And the family has to go through that. No, you can not change anyone. Everyone must decide for themselves. But I see smoking as a very selfish habit. And his property or not, he is not entitled to expose you to toxins.

I recommend a good therapist, support group, or a pastor if that works better for you and pronto. You have a lot of stress on you and need clarity and objective guidance.

Be good to your husband but don't be a door mat. And kudos to you to facing your own problems head on!

I will say prayers for you. God bless.

Most habits are selfish be it smoking or eating so much that you can no longer care for yourself. During my addiction to food no one could have made me change because I was an addict. I saw the way my boys would look at the thought of me going to their school. Did I have a right to place that burden on them? No but I was an addict. As much as I hate that my husband smokes it is no different because he is an addict.

[HaddocksEyes 205]

I went years with no physical relationship with my EX and I blamed it on my weight. I felt I couldn't complain because I looked so bad. I realize now that it wasn't the issue at all. I tried talking and sometimes that doesn't work but it's a great start! In my case "talking" clarified the situation and I am good friends with my EX..but he is my EX for a reason.

I think that is a common response among women - we think its because we're not skinny and pretty.

You're super cute now!!

[HaddocksEyes 205]

Smoking has a detrimental effect on the entire family. Unless the person is fortunate enough to die some other (quick) way, smoking WILL kill them and it is a terrible, agonizing, senseless way to die. And the family has to go through that. No, you can not change anyone. Everyone must decide for themselves. But I see smoking as a very selfish habit. And his property or not, he is not entitled to expose you to toxins.

I recommend a good therapist, support group, or a pastor if that works better for you and pronto. You have a lot of stress on you and need clarity and objective guidance.

Be good to your husband but don't be a door mat. And kudos to you to facing your own problems head on!

I will say prayers for you. God bless.

Thank you for the prayers!

Yes, smoking is a selfish habit as is overeating. The funny thing is I would never say anything about him being overweight. That does not even bother me.

He has never smoked in the house or the car or anywhere around our children. We both agreed on this. He can inflict it on himself if he chooses but I will be damned if he inflicts it on my babies (lol - one of them is now 18 but you know how mothers are about their kids) or me.

I so appreciate your response.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

It's sad to me that people consider relationships outside of their marriage, especially without communicating your needs first. It's not fair to yourself, your spouse or the person with whom you enter the relationship, even if it's just for sex.

I am not at all opposed to divorce, nor am I opposed to my husband finding a girlfriend if he feels that he would be happier elsewhere. I just feel that you need to step out of one relationship before entering another. That's a must.

[bikrchk 1,313]

I feel kind of horrible for saying this as I've so recently come from obesity, but as a single, dating woman, smokers, OR unfit over eaters are pretty much deal breakers for me. I'm only recently in maintenance and doing well, but I'm aware that this "handle" I have on my new behaviors can be bent or broken, and I need to put people in my life who empower me to be a better, healthier person all the way around. For me, that means a commitment to exercise, and a healthy lifestyle as well as a positive outlook on life in general.

HaddocksEyes, I was divorced 3 years before my sleeve procedure, and never lived with a smoker, (outside of a college room mate), so I can't speak directly to your situation other than to say, it sounds like there may be more going on here than just your husbands smoking. If you care about the relationship, seek professional help. It will NOT get easier once you have WLS and make major changes in your life. Best of luck.

Obviously, can't know everything from a single post, but I think finding a way to build a good life (and that is a continous process for married people) together is far better than starting over by divorcing. It's a rough world out there for single people - well at least were I live where women outnumber men by a great deal. Anyway, I personally would not have been angry about someone smoking because we all have our own "crosses to bear". I don't like smoking but i recognize that I am terribly flawed myself and that asking for perfection from somebody else is not realistic. I completely agree with the idea that the only person you can change is yourself...

Since I am single and hoping to find someone for a relationship, I would not rule out a smoker (as long as they were very good in their habits) as I dated a smoker who hid it so well I had been seeing him a few months before I even found out. So, it didn't really bother me since his hygene was so perfect. I personally would rule out an unfit/over eater person because i am working so hard to maintain a massive weight loss and I don't want to be around excess food and sedentary lifestyle influence. I wouldn't divorce someone over it, but it is a showstopper for me as I seek a relationship.

Smoking is a huge health issue but so is obesity. My 40 year old, non smoking but very obese niece passed just this week from "natural causes" attributable to her super morbid obesity status.

[KSTUZ 438]

Sometimes I believe something has to happen for a smoker to really quit quit for good.

My husband and I were both smokers. We enjoyed smoking together, even tho I was smoking way more than I normally would. He was a 2 pack a day Marlboro red man.

In January as I started my journey and doctors appts I was embarrassed to say I was a smoker. But I did. I was trying to quit, and he made it IMPOSSIBLE for me. We fought all the time. He would say, well u aren't getting the surgery tomorrow so what's the big deal. The big deal was...I was trying to change and save my life. His choice to do what he wanted was exactly that. HIS CHOICE.

I was angry that he wouldn't try to quit with me. We both needed to quit. Money was tight. And that alone of at least $500 a month was money we could use.

How we quit was very sad and unfortunate.

He had a massive heart attack at age 37 this past February 6th. We both quit that morning, but on the ride to the hospital, with him gray and gasping for air and holding his chest, he still tried to smoke a cigg. As I look over with tears in my eyes at the man I only married at that time a year a half ago, gray and both knees bouncing up and down, he took three puffs of the smoke and tossed it out the window. Right there I knew something was very very wrong. Slammed the gas pedal to the floor and we pulled up to the ER. Within 5 min of arriving at the hospital, 17 people flew in the room, screaming yelling and asking me what medications he took this morning etc. I work in a hospital, so I know a lot more than I should but was trying to stay calm and strong for him. And I was, until they threw the heart defibrillators on his chest and they grabbed the crash cart and he sat up with a look on his face of sheer panic. Looking at me and screaming "Katie!! What's happening to me!!"

My response in solid fear..."lay down Johnny let them take care of you, your ok. Your ok."

Within 15 min of being in the ER I was chasing his stretcher down hallways as they are screaming "move out of the way! Medical emergency!!" And I'm just crying holding all of his clothes. Right before they whisked him into the cardiac cath unit, the nurse saw my face and screamed "stop!!!!" Looks at me and says kiss him goodbye and tell him you love him.

They put me in a room and it hit me. I was just sitting on the floor sobbing. And a Chaplin came over sat with me and put her hand on my back and talked me down.

I called all of our families, everyone was on the way over. When I finally saw him, worse news.

He needed a triple bypass because of three blockages. 3 at age 37. Heartbreaking news.

The last 6 months have been a nightmare. His surgery was a disaster. With his family that we barely talk too starting a fight with eachother on his surgery day in the waiting room. So I had to throw them out.

Thank god after something like this, he is still smoke free. Scared him straight so to speak. He misses it. But we keep Patches with us just incase we have an urge even 7 months later.

I never thought he would ever quit. I thought that him eating better would never happen.

We still fight when he wants to order pizza, and he says I could be dead I wanna eat what I want.

And I said if it wasn't for me taking u when I did u would have been.

Ur way didn't work, now it's my way.

Thankfully he doesn't fight me to much anymore.

Not that I want ANYONE to go through this.

But even before this happened, I was doing me.

I don't care what he eats, I don't care if he smokes, 2014 is the year of Kate. And I kept chugging along. U need to take care of you and it's not worth the fight.

Ask him to grab a quick shower after he smokes before bed, that u wanna cuddle but the smell of smoke lingers. If u still have love for him, he is worth fighting for.

My husband and I now see a psych dr because of his depression afterwards and honestly it has helped us with way more than his heart attack and bypass issues.

It has helped us to open up to eachother and talk. To see each persons side without anger or frustration or name calling. We don't EVER name call, but his recovery was very difficult. And so were my inlaws.

I had a net gain during my nut visits and I was denied my sleeve. I appealed and was denied again because of the net gain and because I don't have a weight for 2013. But I do have weighs for 2008,2009,2010,2011,2012. But Aetna doesn't care. So I continue to fight.

Hang in there. We all go thru ups an downs.

My mom always said its easy to get married and hard as HELL to stay married. She just celebrated her 40th anniversary with my dad.

It's work everyday.

And if you love that person, u work at it every single minute of the day.

Best of luck to you and ur husband.

Xoxo

[Eclectick 129]

I have to agree with previous responses, there has to be something more than just his smoking that is causing you to react so severely at this time. (17 year later)

I think that once a couple is with each other so long they forget to listen to what the other is trying to tell them, I too used to smoke and my male friend also smoked....when I decided to go on this Gastric Sleeve journey which was my choice..the choice to stop smoking was a requirement...so I either had to quit..or I was not elgible for the surgery...it was a choice...and since my male friend is being so supportive of my choice to get healthy and lose weight, knowing that as long as he smokes around me..it's not encouraging helping me...so he quit too...which eliminated the beer he usually drank 2 or 3 times a week. Granted he works out in the hot sun all day, and if he wants a cold beer..he is entitled..but his 4 or 5 beers turned into a 12 pack..and I just told him...I don't like the person he becomes after 6 beers and I won't tell him to stop..but I will leave and go stay with friends if he wants to drink more than what I can tolorate...so guess what...he hasn't had more than 5 beers in over 6 weeks...I didn't order him to stop, I simply told him what "I" would do if he went too far.

With that being said, for your husband to quit smoking for his own well-being may not be a choice is prepared to make right now, a person has to want it...it's just like food, you want it..you eat it.. regardless of the consequences but it was a choice to eat it that was made by you.

The best advise I can give you is to sit down with him, discuss what axactly is troubling you, and perhaps you are doing something that is troubling him..clear the air and then listen...listen to what he says...listen to how your heart feels about the situation because the ultimate choice is yours...do you..or will you stay with him if he continues to smoke? If you give him ultimatums he might except it for now..but will resent you later, although you are trying to watch out for his health as well..he won't see it that way..he will see it as you trying to babysit or be his mother.

Marriage and divorce is too easy these days...people forget they made vows to each other and don't stand up for those vows...the fire that brought them together gets blown away by the slightest of winds, but all is not lost...think about how you were with each other when you first met, or when you first got married or the happiness you shared when your first child was born...try to reignite the flame, put little notes in his lunch or in the bathroom for him to see in the morning...bring back the romance that has slipped through the cracks in the years you've just taken it for granted....you can get comfortable in a relationship/marriage and that's ok, but keep the LOVE alive.

Sorry for rambling, perhaps even a little piece of what I said might help!! Good Luck

[Black Betty 2]

There are some very smart people on here with good advice. I was a smoker but not every day or week, sometimes months without. My lung doc told me if I didn't stop there would be nothing he could do to help me. I smoked more after that. I got vertigo and was told it might last 1 to 2 weeks. Well 10 weeks later it went away and the quickest way for it to come back is by drinking alcohol or smoking. Even when I was smoking there were friends houses I would go to where they smoked in the house. My home is 49 years old and we have never smoked in it. It finally got down to if we wanted to get together if I had just washed my waist length hair they knew I would not come so I wouldn't have to wash it when I came home, we would hang out side. My nephew stopped for a while but went back and does not have the energy or desire to do anything after getting off work. You have a lot going on right now, but you have many options. This surgery requires a lot of physical, emotional, and mental strength, so maybe working on getting your relationship in a good place should be a priority before the surgery. Many things can happen for the good if you can sit down rationally and talk, even have a buffer if necessary. We all change and grow in our own time. You are in the same boat with a hole in it, instead of throwing Water at each other, help each other bail it out. I hope you continue to seek help be it spiritual or professional. I see a lot of underlying issues that needs addressing for both of your sakes. You have time, so no need for rash decisions, really talk to each other and find out where you both want to go from here. You might just be surprised by the abundant blessings waiting for both of you. God bless you and your family.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Focusing strictly on the smoking part of this conversation ...

In the US, 45 million Americans are still cigarette smokers. Put another way, that's 19% of Americans over the age of 18. Put yet another way, 81% of Americans over the age of 18 do NOT smoke.

Smoking has terrible impacts not only on smokers, but on all their families and friends in terms of:

* costs and stresses on family members who care for disabled smokers;

* household financial costs of smokers' habits;

* second-hand smoke impacts on children and adults who live with smokers;

* lost productivity at work and lower household income contributed by smokers.

Focusing only on the financial costs of smoking, it's shockingly expensive. Depending on where smokers live, they pay $5.25 to $12.85 for a single pack of cigarettes. For a two-pack-a-day habit, that's an annual household line item for one smoker of $3,800 to $9,380 (after cigarette taxes, but before income taxes). See http://www.theawl.com/2013/07/what-a-pack-of-cigarettes-costs-now-state-by-state.

Generally speaking, the poorest people with the least access to good healthcare smoke the most.

Annual healthcare costs (public and private) of illnesses due to smoking are approaching $200 billion.

These days, it is neither immoral nor petty nor superficial for a person who's evaluating or re-evaluating their marriage or relationship to factor into their appraisal the current and even past smoking behavior of their current or potential partner. The impacts of your smoking partner's habits will likely negatively affect your future financial, emotional, physical and mental heath prospects.

So, as the song lyric asks, what's love go to do with it? A lot.

But not everything.

[JCP 619]

My husband was a former smoker when we met. He resumed about a year after we married. Who quits for 5 years then goes back?? We were broke and he was spending $100 a month on cigarettes. He already had multiple stents. Finally he quit but I don't think I would have stayed had he not. BUT he still eats the wrong things and drinks, even though he has congestive heart failure and diabetes. I just had my surgery. You can bet a come to Jesus meeting is on the horizon. I'm going to tell him there's no reason to spend thousands of dollars a year on tests, exams, and meds, and then go have bbq and beer. I love him to pieces but I watched both my parents die slow deaths brought on by their choices. I'm trying to change. I don't want to go through it myself or watch the person I love go through it.

Edited September 15, 2014 by JCP

[HaddocksEyes 205]

I feel kind of horrible for saying this as I've so recently come from obesity, but as a single, dating woman, smokers, OR unfit over eaters are pretty much deal breakers for me. I'm only recently in maintenance and doing well, but I'm aware that this "handle" I have on my new behaviors can be bent or broken, and I need to put people in my life who empower me to be a better, healthier person all the way around. For me, that means a commitment to exercise, and a healthy lifestyle as well as a positive outlook on life in general.

HaddocksEyes, I was divorced 3 years before my sleeve procedure, and never lived with a smoker, (outside of a college room mate), so I can't speak directly to your situation other than to say, it sounds like there may be more going on here than just your husbands smoking. If you care about the relationship, seek professional help. It will NOT get easier once you have WLS and make major changes in your life. Best of luck.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful words.

I think we each need to look for a life partner, or a partner, depending on a person's goals for a relationship, that suits us. No one should judge you because you are looking for someone who is a healthy weight non-smoker.

We've talked through our issues and got to the root of the problem..so we're doing very well. In fact, I would say we're doing better than ever. His smoking still bothers me but it is my hope that as he sees me become more healthy, he will want to follow along and keep up. At the end of the day, it is his decision.

[HaddocksEyes 205]

It's sad to me that people consider relationships outside of their marriage, especially without communicating your needs first. It's not fair to yourself, your spouse or the person with whom you enter the relationship, even if it's just for sex.

I am not at all opposed to divorce, nor am I opposed to my husband finding a girlfriend if he feels that he would be happier elsewhere. I just feel that you need to step out of one relationship before entering another. That's a must.

I'm thinking maybe you posted this on the wrong thread? We weren't considering relationships outside of our marriage. We love each other too much for that!

[HaddocksEyes 205]

I have to agree with previous responses, there has to be something more than just his smoking that is causing you to react so severely at this time. (17 year later)

I think that once a couple is with each other so long they forget to listen to what the other is trying to tell them, I too used to smoke and my male friend also smoked....when I decided to go on this Gastric Sleeve journey which was my choice..the choice to stop smoking was a requirement...so I either had to quit..or I was not elgible for the surgery...it was a choice...and since my male friend is being so supportive of my choice to get healthy and lose weight, knowing that as long as he smokes around me..it's not encouraging helping me...so he quit too...which eliminated the beer he usually drank 2 or 3 times a week. Granted he works out in the hot sun all day, and if he wants a cold beer..he is entitled..but his 4 or 5 beers turned into a 12 pack..and I just told him...I don't like the person he becomes after 6 beers and I won't tell him to stop..but I will leave and go stay with friends if he wants to drink more than what I can tolorate...so guess what...he hasn't had more than 5 beers in over 6 weeks...I didn't order him to stop, I simply told him what "I" would do if he went too far.

With that being said, for your husband to quit smoking for his own well-being may not be a choice is prepared to make right now, a person has to want it...it's just like food, you want it..you eat it.. regardless of the consequences but it was a choice to eat it that was made by you.

The best advise I can give you is to sit down with him, discuss what axactly is troubling you, and perhaps you are doing something that is troubling him..clear the air and then listen...listen to what he says...listen to how your heart feels about the situation because the ultimate choice is yours...do you..or will you stay with him if he continues to smoke? If you give him ultimatums he might except it for now..but will resent you later, although you are trying to watch out for his health as well..he won't see it that way..he will see it as you trying to babysit or be his mother.

Marriage and divorce is too easy these days...people forget they made vows to each other and don't stand up for those vows...the fire that brought them together gets blown away by the slightest of winds, but all is not lost...think about how you were with each other when you first met, or when you first got married or the happiness you shared when your first child was born...try to reignite the flame, put little notes in his lunch or in the bathroom for him to see in the morning...bring back the romance that has slipped through the cracks in the years you've just taken it for granted....you can get comfortable in a relationship/marriage and that's ok, but keep the LOVE alive.

Sorry for rambling, perhaps even a little piece of what I said might help!! Good Luck

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you so much for your words. Yes, divorce is too easy nowadays..sometimes it is necessary, however. But in our case I simply love him so much that I can't imagine being without him. Which is why it is so hard to watch him smoke, because it is slowly taking him away from me, piece by piece.

I have suggested that when he is ready to quit, he undertake a wholly immersive strategy - chantix, counseling by a medical professional trained in addictions and support groups..whatever is offered, he should take advantage of it.

I've posted this elsewhere on the thread but once you get over a certain amount of pages, it can be lost in all of the responses. We did have a serious talk about what happened and came to an understanding of what both of us were thinking and feeling. Things are better now then they were before.

Edited September 15, 2014 by HaddocksEyes

[HaddocksEyes 205]

Sometimes I believe something has to happen for a smoker to really quit quit for good.

My husband and I were both smokers. We enjoyed smoking together, even tho I was smoking way more than I normally would. He was a 2 pack a day Marlboro red man.

In January as I started my journey and doctors appts I was embarrassed to say I was a smoker. But I did. I was trying to quit, and he made it IMPOSSIBLE for me. We fought all the time. He would say, well u aren't getting the surgery tomorrow so what's the big deal. The big deal was...I was trying to change and save my life. His choice to do what he wanted was exactly that. HIS CHOICE.

I was angry that he wouldn't try to quit with me. We both needed to quit. Money was tight. And that alone of at least $500 a month was money we could use.

How we quit was very sad and unfortunate.

He had a massive heart attack at age 37 this past February 6th. We both quit that morning, but on the ride to the hospital, with him gray and gasping for air and holding his chest, he still tried to smoke a cigg. As I look over with tears in my eyes at the man I only married at that time a year a half ago, gray and both knees bouncing up and down, he took three puffs of the smoke and tossed it out the window. Right there I knew something was very very wrong. Slammed the gas pedal to the floor and we pulled up to the ER. Within 5 min of arriving at the hospital, 17 people flew in the room, screaming yelling and asking me what medications he took this morning etc. I work in a hospital, so I know a lot more than I should but was trying to stay calm and strong for him. And I was, until they threw the heart defibrillators on his chest and they grabbed the crash cart and he sat up with a look on his face of sheer panic. Looking at me and screaming "Katie!! What's happening to me!!"

My response in solid fear..."lay down Johnny let them take care of you, your ok. Your ok."

Within 15 min of being in the ER I was chasing his stretcher down hallways as they are screaming "move out of the way! Medical emergency!!" And I'm just crying holding all of his clothes. Right before they whisked him into the cardiac cath unit, the nurse saw my face and screamed "stop!!!!" Looks at me and says kiss him goodbye and tell him you love him.

They put me in a room and it hit me. I was just sitting on the floor sobbing. And a Chaplin came over sat with me and put her hand on my back and talked me down.

I called all of our families, everyone was on the way over. When I finally saw him, worse news.

He needed a triple bypass because of three blockages. 3 at age 37. Heartbreaking news.

The last 6 months have been a nightmare. His surgery was a disaster. With his family that we barely talk too starting a fight with eachother on his surgery day in the waiting room. So I had to throw them out.

Thank god after something like this, he is still smoke free. Scared him straight so to speak. He misses it. But we keep Patches with us just incase we have an urge even 7 months later.

I never thought he would ever quit. I thought that him eating better would never happen.

We still fight when he wants to order pizza, and he says I could be dead I wanna eat what I want.

And I said if it wasn't for me taking u when I did u would have been.

Ur way didn't work, now it's my way.

Thankfully he doesn't fight me to much anymore.

Not that I want ANYONE to go through this.

But even before this happened, I was doing me.

I don't care what he eats, I don't care if he smokes, 2014 is the year of Kate. And I kept chugging along. U need to take care of you and it's not worth the fight.

Ask him to grab a quick shower after he smokes before bed, that u wanna cuddle but the smell of smoke lingers. If u still have love for him, he is worth fighting for.

My husband and I now see a psych dr because of his depression afterwards and honestly it has helped us with way more than his heart attack and bypass issues.

It has helped us to open up to eachother and talk. To see each persons side without anger or frustration or name calling. We don't EVER name call, but his recovery was very difficult. And so were my inlaws.

I had a net gain during my nut visits and I was denied my sleeve. I appealed and was denied again because of the net gain and because I don't have a weight for 2013. But I do have weighs for 2008,2009,2010,2011,2012. But Aetna doesn't care. So I continue to fight.

Hang in there. We all go thru ups an downs.

My mom always said its easy to get married and hard as HELL to stay married. She just celebrated her 40th anniversary with my dad.

It's work everyday.

And if you love that person, u work at it every single minute of the day.

Best of luck to you and ur husband.

Xoxo

Wow, I can only imagine what you were going through. I am so happy that he made it through that. Thank you for sharing a very stressful and scary time in your life.

I sincerely hope that you are approved for the sleeve. I have a feeling Aetna will have to give in eventually.

My husband said watching me go through surgery has inspired him to be healthier too. If that indeed is the case, I would be over the moon with happiness. It is my fear that he too may suffer a serious complication as a result of his habits. I don't want to get that call at work that he has suffered a major heart attack at his desk and has passed on.

We all have to be fighters to make life better. Going through the trial is the hardest part..getting to the other side of success is the reward.

[breehuskins 18]

My dad smoked since the age of nine, he stopped smoking in 2004, but it was too late. He had already developed lung cancer! I was so devastated. My mom, myself, my kids the whole family Harper on him all the time. Never helped. He was also overweight. So the could not do any surgery on him bc of his health. We found out about the cancer in September of 2009, we buried him in June 2010. Can u get your kids to talk to him. Ask him don't you want to see us grow up and have kids of our own and don't you want to be a wonderful grandpa. I think of all the things my dad missed out on because of what I felt was selfishness. He didn't understand that this was affecting us too.