Husband says No to me having surgery!

[Mich4351 4]

My date is set for October 6th, I'm all prepared, I'm educated, I'm committed, I had the support of everyone including my husband after explaining the procedure! Then I took my husband to the "doctor talk" yesterday and he now feels this surgery is not for me. Talk about feeling like having the rug pulled out from under me!

He's stuck on the 60% success rate figure, he feels it's too invasisve, and that it's too much work. He wants me to go back to the gym and weight watchers instead. While I know the surgery is NOT an easy fix, I feel it's the right tool for me after years of struggling with weight. We are having healthy discussions about this. We have the most loving and wonderful relationship so I see his concerns. Now I need to advice on how to combat his concerns.

I've struggled with my weight for 30 years, up and down, never getting lower than 170. I was successful with Weight Watchers and working out, that got me to the 170 (from 252)....but it took forever! Now I'm back at 200 and after years of trying every diet out there, I was hoping this was the final tool which could get me to the thin place I want to be. I want to be healthier, do things with my husband into our later years (I"m 54 now), and it seems my weight is what holds me back. I do not have self esteem issues, I dress well and present myself well, I just know being thinner is healthier and I want this more than ever!

Does anyone have any advice for me on how to go about presenting my case? I plan on setting up another appointment with the doctor as a one on one, in hopes that he can be further educated. Thoughts anyone?

[7.14.14Sleever 8]

I too was a yo-yo dieter. IT was leading to a horrible metabolism, and in the future who would have known which Obesity related disease would have hurt me. I already suffer from a bad back and my knee was giving way.

I lost a lot of weight with WW. and Nutrisystem, and I lost ALL my weight with RAW foods... in 8 months I put back on 100 pounds!

I just couldn't do it on my own.

I knew I needed help. I didn't tell my entire family because I knew that not all of them would support me. I didn't want to hear negative comments...

To me... I knew I was a grown up and had to make my decision. I made mine and was sleeved on 7/14/14. I am 9 days out and feeling fine.

ask yourself....Where do you want to be in a year? and then ask hubby to support your decision. What ever it is.

IF he is still against it..... then can you live with the choice of him making your decision?

That is a tough one. I feel for you.

[NurseNic4 8]

My husband didn't want me to do it either. He is always very supportive but this scared him. I had to ask him to trust me on this. I wouldn't undergo this major surgery if I hadn't done TONS of research and feel comfortable with it. I'm not going to put myself in a situation I feel is damaging to me. I know it's a risk but so is leaving my house. There is a long term goal in mind here that has many more benefits than risks. In the end, it's your body and you have to make the choice. Make the right one for YOU. Good luck!

[Wynnie 186]

My husband was the same, supported me but finally stated to me, isn't this very dangerous? To which I stated Not as dangerous as being morbidly obese. He looked at me and stated, you are right.

[brians34 31]

i don't know what size your husband is, but if he's a bit overweight maybe you can get him to go it with you. This video was posted on one of the posts in the "Guy's Room" and it makes me laugh. After he sees what's at the 0:32 area, maybe he'll be thinking about it too or he might want to try wearing spandex.

Edited July 23, 2014 by brians34

[lsereno 2,525]

I think the 1 on 1 appointment is perfect. Go over what the 60% success rate really means. Does it mean on average people lose 60% of their excess weight? Do people at a lower starting weight fare better?

Also show him the research on your other options. Weight Watchers, the most successful diet out there has a 97% failure rate at 5 years.

http://journals.cambridge.org/action/displayAbstract?fromPage=online&aid=1789920

Not sure how overweight you are, but show the articles that link health issues and obestity. Here is a good start:

http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/obe/risks.html

He is right to be scared. It is scary. But so is remaining overweight and dying from an obesity-related illness. Use the fear to work towards the best solution for you, including maximing what you can do pre-op and post-op to make the surgery a success.

Lynda

[moonlitestarbrite 902]

i think its his responsibility to convince you that its in your best interest to not have the surgery versus you needing to convince him that you should. its your body, your health, your choice. so i would turn it around and tell him that this is your choice and if he thinks its not a healthy choice, he should research proof that remaining obese is less risk than having this surgery. if he can do that, you will reconsider. until that time, your mind is unchanged.

[JCP 619]

The thing that sealed it for me was going to a support group meeting and talking to those who have done it. There were people waiting for surgery and some years out. One lady was year two and training for a marathon. So much positive energy, I left on cloud 9, knowing it was the right decision. If your provider can recommend a group, check it out. And if it's a good experience for you, ask him to join you. He is right to be concerned and it shows he cares. But it is your choice. Keep us posted and God bless!

[JCP 619]

By the way, my mom was morbidly obese. She spent the last 15 years of her life in a wheelchair from ruined knees, on insulin, and with congestive heart failure. She went through hell. Our whole family life revolved around trying to help her use the restroom, take bed baths, etc. Not that I would ever resent it, she was an angel and my soul mate and I would have walked into fire for her. But seeing her suffer broke my heart. She spent months in the ICU with heart, lung, and kidney failure before dying. That was 2009 and I still grieve like it was yesterday. I will do anything to avoid going through that or placing my husband in that position. Your husband needs to understand that this could be your future as well if you are not able to change your path. You need support from him now, so he does not have to care for you as an invalid later. God bless you. Prayers sent your way.

[barriej9 61]

My husband has been against it but has accepted what I am doing. At first he did not want to even come to the hospital. I think he realized that I was determined. One suggestion would to see a therapist who works with bariatric patients. I saw one and was helpful with talking to my husband.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

When my husband and I first married, I was at the store eyeing a beautiful sapphire ring. It was only about $400 and he told me no. I worked, he worked, we could easily afford it. I came home with a 5k diamond tennis Bracelet instead. He quickly learned that telling me no was counter productive.

You are a grown woman and you have been struggling with your weight for decades. This decision is not his to make. I'd sit him down, tell him this is what you ARE going to do, tell him you'd love his support, but if he can't give it to you! it's not going to change your mind. Period.

Hopefully he'll come around. This is not about him, it's about you.

[JanetPRN 496]

The idea of invasive surgery SHOULD provoke our spouses concern about the safety of the procedure. It did concern my husband quite a bit, but it was my job to educate him, like I educated myself, of the risks vs benefits. He has a right to his opinion, but you have the right to make your own decision. He's probably worried about you, and how this will affect his life ( and it will to a certain extent) .Let him know why this is so important to you, and stand confident with your decision.

[vanessak8 158]

<p>My date is set for October 6th, I'm all prepared, I'm educated, I'm committed, I had the support of everyone including my husband after explaining the procedure! Then I took my husband to the "doctor talk" yesterday and he now feels this surgery is not for me. Talk about feeling like having the rug pulled out from under me!</p> <p> </p> <p>He's stuck on the 60% success rate figure, he feels it's too invasisve, and that it's too much work. He wants me to go back to the gym and weight watchers instead. While I know the surgery is NOT an easy fix, I feel it's the right tool for me after years of struggling with weight. We are having healthy discussions about this. We have the most loving and wonderful relationship so I see his concerns. Now I need to advice on how to combat his concerns.</p> <p> </p> <p>I've struggled with my weight for 30 years, up and down, never getting lower than 170. I was successful with Weight Watchers and working out, that got me to the 170 (from 252)....but it took forever! Now I'm back at 200 and after years of trying every diet out there, I was hoping this was the final tool which could get me to the thin place I want to be. I want to be healthier, do things with my husband into our later years (I"m 54 now), and it seems my weight is what holds me back. I do not have self esteem issues, I dress well and present myself well, I just know being thinner is healthier and I want this more than ever! </p> <p> </p> <p>Does anyone have any advice for me on how to go about presenting my case? I plan on setting up another appointment with the doctor as a one on one, in hopes that he can be further educated. Thoughts anyone?</p>

I started my journey secretively mostly because I knew my husband would not be on board and I didn't want the confrontation.... I did all the preop stuff without saying anything. Sometimes I operate from a place it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission. I know probably not the best approach but while I'm sure he wished I wasn't like that we've been married for 17 years so I'm unlikely to change anytime soon... Well 2 days after they submitted all my preop to my insurance they called to say it was approved. So now I had to talk to him.

My initial conversation happened via text message I know this might sound crazy but in my mind it would be more neutral and less confrontational and given is initial text back to me it's probably best that I took this approach because if we had been faced to face an argument would have happened and no productive conversation would have ever happened. While the text message was productive he was still not ok with it.

I need to say that I am 38 and besides my weight (my starting weight was 360) I'm healthy. I don't have diabetes, HTN, or OSA, but my grandma died at the age of 66. She was significantly overweight and all the complications associated with being that heavy for a long time. I verbalized to him that my life is half over if I go down the same path as my grandma. He said your not you grandma. I said not yet and I don't want to be... I followed that with I love you, but I don't need your permission, but I want your support. When I got home he hugged me, but we didn't talk again about it.

Then came the preop consent from the surgeon's office. It was 9 pages long and even though I'm a nurse it freaked me out... I had never seen a consent form that was so detailed. The very last page was for the spouse... He actually had to consent to my surgery or my surgeon would not do the surgery. I was like are you f'ing kidding me if that consent scarf me it's going to send him over the edge and he was just getting on board. I will say his potion of the consent had a lot to do with what your husband is concerned with potential failure and that a significant others support is integral to success.

Since our initial text conversation we had several very loving, meaningful conversation that helped him see my point of view and come to a better place. His biggest fear wasn't that I wouldn't be successful or that I didn't understand this wasn't a quick fix, but that this was elective and permanent and what if I had a bad complication or worse died. All legitimate fears and he wasn't the only one having them. I think it's only natural to have those concerns. He signed the consent and went to my final surgeon's visit and we set a date. He also went to my PMD visit when I got my medical clearance. He really respects and likes our primary doctor. They had a long talk about how if I was going to do this surgery (she was on board and supportive of the decision) now was the time to do it because I'm young and I have no comorbities making this surgery the safest it's going to be and potentially the most successful it's going to be.

I had my surgery on 7/14/14

Feb 6 initial visit: 360

Last surgeons visit: 334

Surgery weight: after preop diet 314

Current weight: according to my scale 297.4

That's a long story, but the gist is my husband wasn't on board and I obviously don't know your entire situation, but I'm just guessing that there is conflict making it difficult to have productive conversations. For me I knew that was going to be an issue because my husband always initially comes from a place of NO... I think this is his way of putting brakes on things because I always go head first into everything and he needs time to process. My point is if this the case for you find a way to express yourself fully to him in the Least confrontational way possible maybe in a letter, email or text message. It's way easier to make yourself vulnerable when somebody is not staring at you. I verbalized things to my husband that he had no idea I was feeling because despite my weight I'm a fairly confident extrovert. He had no idea that it was bothering me. That is how much I did not talk about it.

GOOD LUCK, he will come around!!!

[startingyoung 17]

I had a reluctant dad. He could not be reasoned with and was convinced his method was the way to go. (even though he too is overweight!) Finally, my grandmother (his mom) talked to him and he suddenly had a change of heart. Being possibly the biggest momma's boy alive, we knew that my grandma would be a changing factor. I would suggest maybe approaching the situation in a different way. Maybe even a different person. If he's hung up on numbers, get Weight Watcher's success rates etc to see if that can help prove your point. Also like others have said, its more about keeping the weight off not losing it. With my own experience with Weight Watchers, they definitely help get it off, but keeping it off is an entirely different story. Best of luck!

[TonyaNKy 79]

I don't know what to tell you because my husband doesn't tell me what I can or cannot do.

You're a grown adult that can make decisions about your own body for yourself. Don't ask permission from ANYBODY about what to do with your body.