Totally not about weight loss but looking for help......

[scarlet333 386]

So here is the back story:

Been married for 20 years to a great guy and have 2 healthy, happy children. Come from lower middle, class backround with blue collar workers galore. Due to the fact that my parents were very very (did I say very frugal) there whole lives I have come into a lot of money over the past few years (when my mom passed and then when my dad passed). My husband comes from lawyers and doctors and an upper middle class backround and his parents were not at all frugal. Here is the issue my father in law passed over a year ago and my mother in law who is 86 and lives in a beautiful home surrounded by beautiful things has become very paranoid about money (mainly feels that she doesn't have enough). In a recent conversation she told me my husband had told here he was going to pay for a new big screen tv for her (over $500). I repeat this woman is not poor but she is older and is afraid of not having enough money. I was very angry with my husband about this. Although we are fortunate to not be struggling with money he drives a 17 year old car and I too drive an older car, I am very economical and a big saver and still have 2 children to raise. I am lucky to not have to work but this is due to the help my parents have given us over the years of our marriage. I worked for approximately 15 years as a CPA and used that money to basically pay for the house that we live in. I left my job after my 2nd child to be a full time mom. Although my children are now both young teens, I could go back to work but feel I am still needed by my kids and we are comfortable enough on one salary.

My husband I know feels sorry for his mother and probably doesn't think its a big deal. One last detail my mother in law "helps" her other son who is unemployed by giving him her social security check each month.

I know I am ranting but I am a very private person and could not confide in anyone who knows us and just had to get it off my chest and feedback from others.

[Wynnie 186]

Let her have the TV. what she does with her money is her business and no one else's. It's also a good example to your children about being smart with money which will allow you to treat your family to a special gift from time to time. She has been in your life for 20 plus years and is a big part of the reason behind how wonderful your husband us.

[Momof2inIowa 195]

Rough situation, I would say if you can afford it, go ahead and get her the TV. has your husband said anything to his brother about her Social Security check? maybe explain that she is worried she won't have enough money and that she should have that check for herself...the way the government intended it to go? Good luck! i hope this helps!

[enjoythetime 1,457]

Yeah this is a tough one and I completely see where you're coming from. I guess I would have to agree, buy her the TV only because $500 is not worth an arguement between you and your husband or hard feelings between your MIL. Life is way to short, if you have it, then do it joyfully and you will feel good about it.

[scarlet333 386]

I would never tell her what to do with her money, its my money and my inheritance from my hard working parents I am angry about. The money for the tv itself may not be the issue it is the principal is this a "slippery slope?". I have invited her to stay with us and even set up her own bedroom in our house. She is welcome anytime. I have always been respectful to her. I am upset because I feel she is taking advantage of my husbands good nature and upset with my husband for not having the back bone to confront his own brother and mother about the social security check.

I believe in live and let live except when in interferes with my own pocketbook.

[Wynnie 186]

All older women well off or not worry about money. My mother in law is very well off and worries excessively about it. If your motto is. Live and let live, then live

[lisacaron 5,075]

I agree you are on a slippery slope here. One thing could easily lead to another, however I think there is a way around it. Have the TV be a "gift" for a birthday or holiday that you would normally bestow a sizable gift for.

Let her know that while you value her and the role she has played in your lives and the lives of your children, money doesn't grow on trees for you either and as you age your worries about money could double with the cost of inflation and instability in the world.

Let her know you understand and empathize with her, and that you are looking to ensure your own financial future for your children and their college educations as well as for your own eventual retirement so that your children are not left to be responsible for you and/or your husband.

If you handle the situation with candor and finesse you will get your point across and feel good about yourself for gifting someone something they need and want but also standing up for yourself your family and your future.

As far as the brother goes, next time this need for something should arise, involve the brother into the "gift" and ask him to contribute.

[woo woo 872]

I would be looking to your husband for answers on this one. It sounds like he must have offered to buy the tv for her.

The question is whether hubby understands your pov on this issue. He comes from spenders and you come from savers. These two types of money types can clash at times, but can also be complementary as well to temper the extremes of the other.

Edited July 23, 2014 by woo woo

[Momof2inIowa 195]

I would be looking to your husband for answers on this one. It sounds like he must have offered to buy the tv for her.

The question is whether hubby understands your pov on this issue. He comes from spenders and you come from savers. These two types of money types can clash at times, but can also be complementary as well to temper the extremes of the other.

You make a VERY good point.

[Miss Mac 6,262]

Wait......she is 86 and your brother-in-law has no conscience about taking her money? I am guessing he is a least 50 years old. You not only need to have a heart-to-heart with hubby about your family funds, but your brother-in-law, too.

Your hubby can't forget that there needs to be some back-up funds for your own household, plus college for your teenagers.

I admire you for understanding that teens need their parents' time and attention now as much as when they were little. My girls are grown now, but I can tell you that they need you more than they will admit. And, if you allow them to have friends over under your supervision, you will at least know who they are with and what they are doing....even if it costs you extra for groceries.

[erp 2,016]

"Live like no one else, so you can Give like no one else". -Dave Ramsey

[scarlet333 386]

Pitiful isn't it Miss Mac, when a grown man with a perfectly healthy wife takes his own mothers social security check and collects money from the government each month. He does have some health issues but mostly because of life choices (alcohol) that he claims he can't work. I gave up a long time ago trying to convince my husband and mother in law that they are not "helping" him by making excuses for him. As long as it has not directly impacted my immediate family I decided it was not my business.

As far as being home with my kids who are 13 and 15 I think they need me more now than when they were babies. I like being the house that there friends hang out at and being the driver for there excursions. I know there friends and hopefully know most of what is going on in there lives.

An update, my husband apologized to me and said he was going to fix things. There is more to the story in that 10 years ago he and said brother inherited a 2 family house from a relative. The house had a large mortgage and has been a money pit for years. About 8 years ago I let my husband talk me into taking out a mortgage on the house we live in to pay back taxes and legal fees incurred with the house. He said his brother would know that when they sold the house both mortgages would be paid before splitting any profit. I have been begging my husband for years now to sell the house and pay back our mortgage so our home is secure and I am not left with a problem if something happens to him or his brother. This I guess is the root of why I am so upset with the tv situation although it appears unrelated. I want my and my childrens future secure (without using my inheritance) and to not be financially tied to this irresponsible brother and his wife.

Maybe this last fight will be the issue that finally pushes him to resolve this house issue. Thank you all so much for listening to me. All of your comments have been valuable to me as someone to talk to.