Social Life - Need Help from Veterans!

[Myonlybattle 65]

I am really struggling with what on the surface seems like a superficial issue, and maybe it is. But I thought I'd ask for advice from those of you who are several months or even years out. I have decided to tell only a very small group of people about my sleeve - my family and 4 close friends from college who I trust completely and don't live in my town. However, my husband and I have a fairly active social life with friends in town and colleagues from work - people I would never want to to know about the Sleeve (for various reasons) - my story is going to be that I finally decided to get serious about my weight and am eating in a healthy way and exercising. Every single on of these people is healthy and fit, active exerciser, etc. However, our social life with these people revolves around food and drink. My plan is for my husband and I to lie low for awhile and not go out until I'm ready, and we are doing it, but to fall off the face of the earth socially is going to be really hard to sell. Here are some examples (there are many more):

1. We are going to a concert with 2 other couples 4 days before my surgery - this was a total brain lapse on my part when I said yes but it's Tom Petty, who my husband really wants to see (we're old )) so I can't cancel. We are renting a limo for transportation and going out to dinner first. I think I'm ok with the food part because I can order grilled fish and veggies for dinner, but I don't know how I"m going to explain why I'm not having champagne in the limo or wine with dinner - and I don't want to be a buzz kill for the group.

2. A couple that we see about 4 times a year for dinner has been asking us over the last few weeks when we can go out again. If we went, with this couple I would be comfortable getting fish/veggies and having only a couple sips of wine. But waiting 5 minutes between each bite would definitely be noticed. Our schedules are off until my surgery date, so at what point can we say yes to this kind of a dinner? I know they are hurt that we're blowing them off.

3. Another friend who we sometimes go away with for weekend trips with our kids wants to plan a fall weekend away -- it sounds great and fun but in order to do so without it being weird I would have to be ready to eat out every meal (again, I could eat small amounts but 5 minutes between bites, etc. would be noticed) and I would have to have a glass of wine at dinner.

I am just trying to get a handle on IF and WHEN these events could take place -- this is going to have a big effect on my husband as well and I just want to know what I'm getting into. If surgery is something I can't do without telling everyone, I really would like to know that now.

Thanks in advance!

[Healthy_life2 8,324]

@@Myonlybattle

Hi there,

I was sleeved June 2nd. I have just changed my life style. The people around me who don't know I had WLS, Just think I'm dieting and exercising. They see a happier, more social and physical side of me.

I don't let things stop me from being out and about. I plan for them and look forward to them. I'm almost 2 months out and I'm up for almost anything.

I enjoy the challenge of seeing people treat me different or when they notice my weight loss. Its funny to hear the responses I get.

[Myonlybattle 65]

@@jenn1 thanks for the response. Do you have a glass of wine when you go out with the people who don't know? Do you take tiny bites and then wait 5 minutes between? Do people notice? TIA!!

[Cupcake 801]

I agree with the above statements you do not owe anyone an explanation I think your overthinking this just be you, you do. It have to drink alcohol everytime you eat to have a good time, and just because you take your time eating just means your enjoying your food and making healthy and wise choices good luck.

[BeagleLover 1,020]

You don't HAVE to drink to avoid being a buzz kill! Just say no thanks and change the conversation and move on.

If this is an active talkative group and you are participating, would they really be attentive to the fact that you're eating slowly?

[AvaFern 3,516]

I had this problem right after surgery and someone gave me the good idea to use "I'm taking antibiotics and I'm afraid of mixing them with booze" as an excuse for why I didn't drink. Really, people shouldn't ask about your food or drink habits, but your friends will and if you want to keep your sleeve a secret, you have every right to. I didn't tell anyone about my surgery until it was over and now, almost a year out, only my three best friends know. So, whenever I am out to dinner with someone else, sometimes they comment on the fact that I don't eat much, but I just say...."I thought I was starving and I guess I ate to much earlier today!" or something like that. Just smile, answer quickly, and change the subject...even if they don't believe you, most people are tactful enough to move on and mind their own business.

[Jersrose43 837]

To the drinking - I am changing my lifestyle and relationship with food. One of the things I am changing is reducing empty calories. Such as those that come with wine.

Or as I did last night and no one noticed - pour me 3 ounces of wine and placed it on my lips and placed it back down and no sip entered my mouth. No one noticed since the conversation was lively and the company was great.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I, too, was going to suggest the antibiotics + alcohol = no can do. If you do some online research, you will surely find some other drugs that prohibit alcohol use temporarily.

It sounds to me like your social calendar needs to get "filled up" (air quotes) REAL fast -- perhaps out-of-town trips to see family on weekends, etc.

I totally respect your desire / need NOT to tell your social circle about your decision to have WLS. You can figure out how to do this. Just don't feel like you OWE it to people you know (even those you know well) to share this with them.

I'm not telling anybody! (Except my husband.)

Good luck to you.

Edited July 20, 2014 by VSGAnn2014

[Healthy_life2 8,324]

@@Myonlybattle

my choice is ..no drinking for me. I just don't miss The positive of feeling this good naturally. I have way more fun and live in the moment. Who knew this would be me.

[vogue 310]

I drink socially. I'm usually done after one and I drink it slowly. If I'm served additional drinks or can't finish the one, my husband swoops in to finish it and makes the joke that the older I get , the less liquor I can handle. Win-win !

[Myonlybattle 65]

Thanks to all -- @@AvaFern and @@VSGAnn2014 I will use the antibiotics idea for the pre-op concert! As for the future, you are right, my friends WILL notice and WILL ask - they will be very curious! It is a lively group and alcohol is always a part of everything and if I don't order my "usual" or try a "fun drink" that someone made at a get-together it will be very much the topic of conversation. I don't want to lose my social life and since it does revolve around food and drink (and all the other woman just run 10 miles every morning to take care of it!!) I need to tread carefully.

I like the put my lips to a drink idea for some occasions, when I can get away with it - and will use that too! Mostly I plan to have ONE drink when I go out and tell people that's all I can do now that I'm being healthy and eating less.

One question I have - just so I can commit to a couple of these social plans is WHEN can I go out to dinner with others? I have no idea if it's a month or 6 months from surgery . . . if anyone can respond to that part, I'd appreciate it!

[Healthy_life2 8,324]

@@Myonlybattle

I will be honest...for me Its a little strange eating with people. By the time they have put in a full plate of food. I am trying to finnish up my small amount. I balance it out by getting into the conversation at the table. no one really notices. They just think I'm a light eater. Sipping Water no one has noticed either...Its hot out and they just see it as hydrating myself. It's a great change.

[Healthy_life2 8,324]

@@Myonlybattle

I went out to dinner shortly after I was released to eat solid type foods. It was a few weeks out from surgery. I save us money since I eat so little. Its all still very social. I'm around a lot of drinkers we still have a great time. Everyone looks at my changes like this...I'm on a heath kick and its working...nothing more than that..I'm not the topic of conversation. Mostly they are supportive.

Edited July 20, 2014 by jenn1

[Bob2013 326]

It seems to me like the trouble your going through trying to hide the fact you had WLS is more trouble than coming out of the closet, Maybe re-examine your reasoning as to why you want to hide the fact you ad WLS.

[Myonlybattle 65]

@@vogue Love this idea (my husband probably will too!) and I've already told some of my big drinker friends that I am getting healthy and don't like feeling the effects of alcohol (which they already know) and so am going to limit myself to one drink for at least the near future. So that goes hand in hand - if and when they try and push, my husband can save me!

@@jenn1 thanks for all your thoughts - I know I'll feel a little strange at first (it will be a big change from the way I usually eat) and it's good to hear that it does feel strange but is still do-able. Shortly after solid foods is great - I'll probably put a 2 week buffer in and book something and hope for the best.

thank you all!