Weddings & showers

[Carlene 12]

First of all, a guest should not show up at the wedding bearing gifts. I know some do, but it is considered poor etiquette and the bride's mother - the person who has to pack them up and take them somewhere after the ceremony because the happy couple is leaving right then and there for a week-long honeymoon in the Bahamas- will never forgive you. You should have the gift delivered to the bride's address BEFORE the wedding date.

I do not buy separate gifts, even if I attend both the shower and the wedding. Let's face it, everyone has a price limit and if I have to buy two gifts, you are getting half my gift limit at the shower and the other at the wedding. Most couples would rather have one big gift than two small ones.

Personally, I think bridal registries can be great, or they can be pretentious and just plain rude. If you want a set of dinnerware from Crate and Barrel, that's great. I will buy you one place setting and we'll both be happy. If you register for Sterling silver flatware from Tiffany's, you'll most likely get a teaspoon or two. If everything but the high-end items are spoken for, then you'll get a gift card for the same amount those teaspoons would have cost me.

[green 6]

You don't have to buy two gifts from the registry. If this individual plans on going to both events, something which Green personally believes to be an act of insanity (but then she hates weddings and bridal showers), she can bring a bottle of good or goodish champagne to the shower as a gift and scan the registry for her choice of wedding gift.

Afterall, sez Green, we have to ask ourselves what weddings are all about. Are weddings held in order to round up family and friends in order that they may all watch and assist in celebrating the new couple's marriage or are they held in order to garner cash and other material objects? Wedding registries were established in order to assist puzzled attendees who rightfully desire to honour the new couple with gifts. Treat them as that and if you can't afford the list of stuff available, give 'em high quality booze, a pair of special glasses to drink it from, and tell the couple that you wanted to be original and give 'em a special, romantic gift. (You can toss in some flavoured condoms if you like.)

[StephC 0]

I found this topic very interesting because we are at the age of weddings. Last summer my son was married and now that the kids are in their 20's we get alot of invites. I remember a span when I was thinking - wow I haven't been to a wedding in years - ha! thats over!

As for the invite, it is VERY hard to know who to invite and who not to. My son's wedding was set at 300 guests - since I live 1100 miles from my side of the family you'd think it would have been easy, we had about 12 come in from my side, but my dh's family all live very close and although we only see each other at weddings, funerals and 75th b-day parties, we still like to see each other. I don't find it a bit suprising that your friend got the invitation. I remember my son crossed a name off the list and I said no way, thats your dads 1st cousin he grew up with and her family (ds didn't recognize the name) - it was very hard.

As for gifts, I agree with Suntra. My dil had a gift card shower. It was wonderful for the kids, who had just bought a house and both had lived at home before marriage so they needed EVERYTHING. It was worded very nice, I think in a poem, I didn't think it sounded tacky at all and of course there were a few people who brought gifts just bc they had something special picked out. So if you know where they are registered and theres nothing left in your budget I suggest a gift card from that store. Carlene said you never bring a gift to a wedding. I agree and disagree. I think its all in the locale of the wedding. A country wedding with the reception at the town hall, take the gift, a reception held at the country club, send it.

[Alexandra 55]

First of all, a guest should not show up at the wedding bearing gifts. I know some do, but it is considered poor etiquette and the bride's mother - the person who has to pack them up and take them somewhere after the ceremony because the happy couple is leaving right then and there for a week-long honeymoon in the Bahamas- will never forgive you. You should have the gift delivered to the bride's address BEFORE the wedding date.

Carlene makes a good point. It's always wise to be mindful of this. Most weddings/receptions I've been to in the last several years have been at someone's home, so it's not an issue. But yes, of course if it's a church/hall event sending the gift elsewhere makes a lot of sense.

But again, why should it be the bride's mother packing up gifts and taking them somewhere? IMO any defined roles like this are utterly outdated. Whatever works, works.

[Carlene 12]

But again, why should it be the bride's mother packing up gifts and taking them somewhere?

Probably because the bride's mother never stops being the mother.

At my daughter's wedding, we didn't have a designated gift-packer-upper because it never crossed our minds, to be honest. So the job kind of fell to me by default.

I had three sons get married and didn't have to do much of anything...just show up on time and wear something that didn't clash.

[Lucy 0]

I agree with a lot of the previous posters -- you were obviously invited to contribute to their assortment of gifts, which I think is a pretty low reason for inviting someone to your wedding. I say skip the shower and attend the wedding. Instead of a gift, make a donation to your favorite charity in their name in the amount of money that you feel comfortable spending. That way you aren't giving them something that you don't want to buy and they can't think poorly of your philanthropic ways. Well, at least they can't say it to your face.

Good luck!

[Wheetsin 714]

*I* wasn't invited to the given scenario, it was a co-worker's shower. I jsut posted for add'l opinions.

I did have a shower Saturday though, but no doubts about what to buy.

Though apparently what I brought - and my family in general - offended the future spouse's family. The whole thing was weird. I guess they were offended that our side of the family dressed nice, and theirs did not. They made several comments about us being uppity, rich snobs, etc. Funny thing - we weren't dressed up (e.g. I had on jeans, heeled pant boots, and a cami with a corduroy blazer over it... the same thing I'd wear to work on any given day, or out for a casual dinner. DH had on jeans and a cotton shirt). Anyway, I overbought, which - yeah, that's just me, but I wanted to help them out. They have nothing. One is fresh out of the dorms (my relative) and the other just moved out of mom and dad's. With their current career paths they aren't going to be big money makers, and will probably have a ahrd time financially for a few years. Apparently this offended the other family too. I was told by one of them "It's white trash of you to spend more on a gift than we make in a week." (I spent just over $105 WITH giftwrapping, which was at least $15 of it, I just got a lot for my money) They kept referring to us in a passive aggressive way as the "white collars." And when the food was brought out, someone made a comment about "They aren't going to eat of these forks, you'll have to bring out the silver."

The new family is off to a good start, eh?

[faithmd 14]

Why can't people just say "thank you for the nice gift" and then STFU. And tell their family to STFU, too!

[anonemouse 1]

The new family is off to a good start, eh?

Oh, yeah. I can see that one working out. Of course, it sounds about as bad as the family differences between my old roommate and her (now ex) husband. His family was Mormon. Her's was, well, not, to say the least. Her parents were divorced, didn't get along well, and her father remarried 3 months after the divorce. Her mother married a Brit not long after that, who now stays at her apartment all day, since he apparently isn't allowed to get a job. Honestly? It wasn't a surprise at all when my friend and her husband were separated within 6 months and officially divorced the day before their first anniversary.

[anonemouse 1]

Why can't people just say "thank you for the nice gift" and then STFU. And tell their family to STFU, too!

Because some people don't realize that you don't have to have money to have class. Unfortunately, some of my relatives are like that. Think of the stereotypical redneck (well, almost - no hunting) blue-collar factory worker with a beer constantly clutched in his hand, and you'd have my uncle to a "T". Nine-months pregnant potbelly, and all.

[Carlene 12]

Though apparently what I brought - and my family in general - offended the future spouse's family. The whole thing was weird. I guess they were offended that our side of the family dressed nice, and theirs did not. They made several comments about us being uppity, rich snobs, etc.

I get this a lot from my DD's in-laws, and to a lesser degree from my middle son's in-laws, too. I have even gotten it from a couple of moms of DGD's friends. In fact, I just had a DGD incident yesterday. Cheyenne spent the night with a GF I wasn't real comfortable with in the first place (She's 14 and her mom let her get her tongue pierced; the first time I met the stepdad he was mad at the girl and told her to "get your ass in the f&^%#$@ house." Call me old fashioned, but things like that do not make me think you are going to take really good care of my beloved granddaughter.) Nevertheless, I let her spend the night, with the understanding that if anything went wrong, she was never to ask again. Things went VERY wrong. Cheyenne called me, crying, the next day (about noon). The stepdad (under the influence) had hit the girl in the face, had a huge screaming fight with the mom, destroyed the kitchen, and stormed off. The mom and her kids were packing up to leave. Of course, these weirdos eventually kissed and made up, the mom moved herself and children back in with psycho stepdad, and now says that I think we are "better than" her family, "too good for" her family, etc. because I won't let Cheyenne spend the night with her daughter again. Stupid me....I thought I was the one due an apology. :target: