5 days before spouse WLS... help. What do you wish you had known before?

[ErinAZ 10]

Hi all... I am new here and not sure exactly what I am looking for. Words of wisdom, advice, what you wish you had known... anything. My husband is having a bypass on 7/21. Before I met him, he had gotten a lapband, but had so much trouble and failure with it, had it removed last year.

I've gone with him to the pre-op class and found it very enlightening, I am so glad I went. I plan to also attend the post-op classes. I want to be supportive and have been looking forward to this with him, but suddenly this week am having all these worries that seem petty/selfish. What if it doesn't work because he won't follow the rules? What if it does work, but the food restrictions make him angry, miserable, etc?

What if it does work and he starts to resent or get impatient with ME for being overweight? I have been overweight for years and have lost 20 lbs over the past three months by controlling my diet, but I still have 50 - 60 lbs to go before I am a healthy "normal" weight. I'm working through my own psychological issues with food. I'm confident in my ability to keep going and succeed, but it's going to be a lot slower than him. He keeps talking about how when he loses the weight his lifestyle is going to change, he's going to be at the gym all the time after surgery, he's going to want to do a lot of hiking/biking/camping. Will he want to do that with me when he weighs less than I do?

That's on top of caretaking... still not too sure how long I should take off work, how much I should nag or "remind" him of the food restrictions, etc. He's also always been the one to cook for the family. I don't see him doing that anymore after surgery. I kind of just want to make our teenaged kids cook for themselves but then I think he would be like "I always used to cook for everyone! You should too!"

Now that I've written this all out it sounds a lot like boo-hoo, I'm worried about how his major surgery is going to affect my comfortable little life. I can't help it, that's what I'm feeling.

Any advice others might have about how to prepare for the surgery or the aftermath, would be appreciated. Thanks in advance...

[woo woo 872]

There is a recent article on this site regarding relationship changes after WLS.

If you scroll down the page you should see a link to it on the lower right side of the page, under where it says "WLS Magazine Articles".

Maybe a good place to start.

[LumpySpacePrincess 594]

Your emotions and worries on this are completely valid and totally normal, so don't think you're being unreasonable.

One of the biggest complaints I hear from people who have had surgery about their significant others is that they don't feel supported if their spouse eats "junk" in front of them, or gets snippy about wanting to eat healthier. I don't think this is an issue for you; it sounds like you are more than willing to eat the way he does, which is good.

My biggest pieces of advice: do the diet with him, even if its just during the meals you eat together. Go to the gym with him if he'll let you. Ask him to go on walks with you. In short, get involved in his process so he doesn't feel isolated.

Second: ignore the emotional outbursts and don't take them personally. Our hormones and emotions get so out of whack the first few months after surgery and sometimes when we hurt others its really unintentional and we know its not right. It is totally OK to take a few moments for yourself when he gets emotional like that so you can gather your thoughts together. Know that he probably doesn't mean any of it to hurt you.

Last: take care of yourself in non-food ways during the days you are taking care of him. Take a hot bath, go for a walk, indulge in a manicure if you're into that. Make sure you get enough rest so you can be there for him when he needs.

If all else fails, see a counselor together if he's willing. I'm hoping your relationship will be like mine and actually get stronger after the surgery.

[LindafromFlorida 1,542]

My husband and I were both sleeved. He eats what he likes, and I eat other things. I keep the fridge stocked for both of us. He eats one meal a day, I snack. I think if you make sure your husband's approved foods are on hand, you need to let him be. If you cook, cook healthy and it will benefit you both. I do not chide my husband when I see him at a family reunion, eating a dessert (recently) though I want to scream because of his diabetes. But I gave him a kiss. He has lost 100 lbs with no help whatsoever from me. It takes backing off sometimes instead of being a caretaker because we are only accountable to ourselves. I will tell you this, for sure, I have sometimes been angry and emotional since my surgery (more than usual lol). I hope you don't worry about too many - what ifs - take one day at a time, and we are always your sounding board and moral support. Best wishes, Linda

[lisacaron 5,075]

@@ErinAZ your concerns are valid. You are going through a big change in your life as much as your husband will be. There are many differences in the surgeries and as @@LindafromFlorida mentioned each person has their own individual journey.

Both my husband and I are overweight. In the year we met I had lost 40 pounds and over our years together I put that back on plus 50! We got married in 2012 and I was at the highest weight of my life at 269!!

We both were suffering from several health issues, but not the same ones. He is diabetic, I have out of control HBP he needed a hip replacement and over the last three years I had to have as many surgery's and including organ removal. We were failing in our health and that was what really pushed us both to have WLS surgery.

We are both banded with plication, and had our surgery 3 days apart from each other so we went through all the same pre-op diet and post op diet and yet we had and have still today a different journey. From meals to foods that make us satiated to work outs.

Have you/ would you ever considered having WLS yourself? Imagine how it would be if you were doing it...put yourself in your hubs shoes now and then, and that will help with your perspective on the situation. How would this affect you??

In the reverse he needs to put himself in your shoes and gain some persepctive on where you are at and take a breath before being mean, spiteful or acting out.

Ask him if you can't hike and bike and all that would he just leave you behind? Why? Would he do that if you couldn't walk or had some other disability that prevented you from doing those things? Why?

Again in the reverse you have to ask yourself would you want him to not do those things if you couldn't do them? Would you stop him from doing what he needs to do for himself because it doesn't fit into your life style?

Having WLS takes 100% commitment to making a life change. It is not easy to do as most of us have done it our one way for a long time, but it can be done. So my advice to you is to adapt that mindset for yourself, even if you are not having WLS adapt the mind set of a lifestyle change for YOUR health and YOUR vitality and for what ever goals you set for yourself. It will help you to deal with your husbands life style changes and give you something to strive for in a positive way in your life as well.

Best of luck to you both, sounds like you are going to be a great support for your husband and this group is here to support you as well!!

[ErinAZ 10]

I can't thank you all enough for your thoughtful replies. I did read the article, and everyone's responses have given me a lot to think about and made me feel less stressed. I am looking forward to having this place to come to for support!

@@lisacaron - WLS for me is something I have considered but rejected at least at this stage in life, for various reasons. One of which, I am hesitant because I witnessed all the struggles my husband had with his lap band. I learned that if I'm not ready to make that commitment to life change, WLS isn't going to help me... it's a tool but you have to be ready for it. I'm not.

@@LindafromFlorida I think I really need to take your advice and back off from being a caretaker. That's hard for me but will probably have the best results!

Thanks again and I'm sure I"ll be back with updates.

[LindafromFlorida 1,542]

Erin, I have seen myself as the ultimate caretaker of my husband until he has gently confided to me before the sleeve that I might want to go back to work and leave him be. LOL. True! I did not take offense but I realized how I hover over him like a nut. I think my instincts come from calling rescue in the middle of the night for 23 years (diabetes), and I feel he will "die" if I am not hovering. It feels good not feeling he is my baby boy and can feed his old self!

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

Just a thought... I haven't got a partner who has a weight problem or had surgery...

But, if you have a little weight to lose, too, how about following his diet plan with him?

It'll obviously have to be different post surgery for the first 6 or so weeks (and he will be a bit sore and a tad grumpy), but when he hits the Protein first, veg second, low carb, low sugar and careful and healthy fats; it may do all of you the world of good!

You'll be able to share his moments of 'OMG, what was I thinking?!!!' (well, to a degree - minus the hardcore Portion Control bit!)

All said and done, although his emotional struggles will definitely rear its head (which won't be permanent!), if you get in the trenches together, I would have thought it will only serve to make you both and as a family a whole lot stronger.

You're a good wife for asking. Most, don't.

I wish you all the absolute best of luck

[ErinAZ 10]

Thanks @@madame Reverie! I do plan to follow the diet with him... Coincidentally, the diet I've been doing for about 3 months is very close to what they recommend. Protein at every meal, and a serving each of healthy fats and carbs. I do feel so much better after eating this way and think I will be even more motivated to follow it when he has to as well.

Looking forward to getting out of work today so we can have a couple days to relax. Surgery on Monday and I took off until next Friday. Hope that's enough!