How do I help my significant other understand why I want this?

[readyforitall 4]

I've been overweight since I was 8. I've done it all as I am sure you can all understand. I'm done and ready for this.

My boyfriend, who I love very much and who loves me and thinks I am "perfect and beautiful right now" is really struggling with the fact that I want to have/am moving forward with gastric sleeve surgery in October/November. More like completely against the idea than struggling actually. A little back story, we have been friends for 13 years before we began our committed, very loving relationship just over a year ago. He has seen my ups and downs and struggles and he too has had his own struggle with weight, though to a different, lesser degree.

I was warned that he would "problem solve," and he has indeed. He thinks this is very extreme.He has said things like "Surgery is a tool just like diet and exercise if those haven't worked how do you know this one will?" or "We can be more active and eat healthier, pay more attention." I asked him the other day, "Do you think I might not be able to do this and be successful or do you not want me to have to go through this?" to which he replied that he didn't want to put it into words. I can see in his eyes that he is fearful and struggling. I can't quite decide what all of the reasons are.

I realize that I have considered the surgery for a long time and therefore had time to process all of the fears, feelings, and uncertainty that goes along with it, so I have decided to be patient with him, give him time to be uncomfortable and work through some of it on his own.

Talking to him about it was a big deal for me as food and weight are things that I have spent a lifetime NOT talking about. It's been a couple weeks since I first brought it up to him. I'm going to continue to be patient and keep talking to him about it but it has occurred to me that in the end my question is going to be "Will you be able to support me regardless of what I choose to do and any reservations you may have about it?"

Sorry to be long winded but any thoughts, past experiences, or suggestions on what is a very important issue to me would be greatly appreciated.

[4me4them 381]

My husband of 29 years was reluctant at first. I was kind of like you in that I had thought about it awhile before I told him I was going to pursue it. He wanted to be supportive but again, like your situation he thought it was extreme and was worried about me undergoing such a major surgery. I asked him to attend the seminar with me and that we would talk more about it after that. The seminar, led by the surgeon opened his eyes to the wider array of health problems being morbidly obese can cause. For him, that was the turning point and I now have his full support. He went with me to my first NUT appointment and also to the first consult with the surgeon. In fact, he is doing the 3 month diet with me...

I don't know what I would have done if he ultimately told me he couldn't support the decision. For what it is worth, I think you are taking the right approach with your boyfriend....slow and steady. I wish you nothing but the best as you proceed and will send positive thoughts your way that your boyfriend will see WLS the way that you do. Beth

[BitterSweet* 835]

This may be more about him than you. If both of you struggle with obesity there's comfort in numbers. There's an understanding and support about food addiction that other people just don't get (co-dependency). Your choice to change your lifestyle alters more than just your size. It may make him wonder about the future in a negative way......that maybe your interests and likes will change and he will no longer be who you desire to be with. He may not be ready to deal with your decision not because he doesn't support you, but how much that may affect him and his relationship with you. That being said, my best suggestion would be to stand firm in your decision - with ready words to defend / explain your choice at any given moment. If you waiver, he may feel as though there's a chance he can get you to change your mind. Assuming you two live together, I'd start cooking only healthy meals and purposefully exercise everday. Include him in the process while focusing on what you need to do. Hopefully he will come around and may begin losing weight along with you. Prayers to you for peace, success, and happiness. ????

[BeagleLover 1,020]

I agree with @@4me4them and@@BitterSweet*! My husband was very leery until he came with me to the surgeon's presentation. Then he understood that the sleeve was a safe surgery and the hospital was a Center of Excellence. After that, he's been very supportive. One issue may very well be insecurity about your relationship if you get thinner and he stays heavy.

Who knows? You may be a model for him to follow and he may decide to get the surgery himself!

[Forsythia 882]

I doubt his problem is with the actual surgery per se. His issue is his own insecurity about weight/food/your relationship. He could be worried that you will get thin and leave him. He might be wondering how your relationship will change post op. Things you used to do together- eat out, rituals like.. how they are going to change. Maybe it would help to take him along to a nutritional class or to meet with the surgeon/nutritionist? If the thought has never crossed his mind to have surgery he probably just has a ton of questions.

[Cairobat 52]

My boyfriend, who I love very much and who loves me and thinks I am "perfect and beautiful right now"

You are perfect and beautiful right now. But that's not really what this surgery is about, is it? It's about your health and dodging future illnesses that can be avoided by losing weight.

I was warned that he would "problem solve," and he has indeed. He thinks this is very extreme.He has said things like "Surgery is a tool just like diet and exercise if those haven't worked how do you know this one will?" or "We can be more active and eat healthier, pay more attention." I asked him the other day, "Do you think I might not be able to do this and be successful or do you not want me to have to go through this?" to which he replied that he didn't want to put it into words. I can see in his eyes that he is fearful and struggling. I can't quite decide what all of the reasons are.

He is correct. Surgery is just a tool. And you might gain the weight back. It sucks, but that's a fact we all have to acknowledge. I don't even want to have this surgery. I have lost almost 60lbs pre-op, but I am getting sleeved tomorrow. Why? Because the Psychiatrist who evaluates all of the patients in my program congratulated me on my efforts and then told me I have about 2% chance of keeping it off. And I can't exactly argue with that, since I have failed to maintain weight loss every. single. time. So WLS gives me a better chance of achieving the long-term success that I could not achieve on my own and living a healthier (and hopefully longer) life.

Talking to him about it was a big deal for me as food and weight are things that I have spent a lifetime NOT talking about. It's been a couple weeks since I first brought it up to him. I'm going to continue to be patient and keep talking to him about it but it has occurred to me that in the end my question is going to be "Will you be able to support me regardless of what I choose to do and any reservations you may have about it?"

Is he in this for the long-haul? Do you see yourself being married to him or in a very long term relationship? Maybe another question for him is, "If I don't have this surgery, or cannot lose and maintain weight loss on my own, will you be willing to support me through any future health issues that may arise?"

Best of luck to you however you decide to pursue your health!

Edited July 13, 2014 by Cairobat

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Hoo boy!

I've read a lot about this online -- and seen several video blogs devoted to this subject as well.

It's a fact that many marriages and relationships end during or after one partner has WLS. (I don't know the statistics, but the number goes UP after WLS, for sure. And if anyone does know the statistics, I wish you'd post them here.)

Some overweight / obese people don't want to change their lifestyles -- either eating or exercise. They are very uncomfortable when their partner starts trying to live a dramatically different lifestyle than they've been accustomed to before.

SOME (not all) partners of overweight / obese people simply prefer the aesthetics and sexuality of a larger person. Consequently, they are not physically attracted to a normal-sized ("too skinny") partner.

Some people, after undergoing WLS and losing significant amounts of weight -- particularly people who have been overweight all their lives and who "missed" certain "normal" socializing experiences like dating multiple people, enjoying night life, flirting, being flirted with, (I'll just type it 'out loud') and having sex with new people -- find that they feel quite confined in an old, familiar, long-time relationship, and they want to go out and sow some wild oats and have new experiences.

And other things.

Keep talking with your partner. Try to help him discover and express what concerns and fears and other feelings are causing his resistance.

And most definitely take him to your bariatric center's lectures and educational events. I have drug my poor husband's ass all over my bariatric center's events and consultations. He was all for it from Day One, but I still want him to be as educated about this as I am, so he can be fully and appropriately supportive of me as I go through it.

Best wishes!

Edited July 13, 2014 by VSGAnn2014

[readyforitall 4]

Thank you all so much for your responses. It helps so much to hear your thoughts and experiences. You have vocalized somethings I have been afraid to really consider.

It most certainly is at least partially about him. I am eager for the day when he can put it into words so that I may better understand his fears.

Keep your thoughts coming... and best of luck to you all whatever stage you are in!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

OK, back to the OP ... I have not heard of "organ failure" at my bariatric center ... yet.

But there's this to remember: For older people (including me -- I'm 68), we've spent much of our lives being overweight. It's been rough on our bodies already. And although I'm, fortunately, a "healthy fat person," I do not pretend to myself that my current size and lifetime of yo-yo dieting will have no negative effects on my future health -- even if I become normal-sized in the coming year and remain that way for the rest of my natural life.

To think otherwise would just be ... illogical.

I think you need to respect your mom's needs to become healthy -- for herself. Yes, she has familial expectations and obligations for her children and grandchildren. However, if you've got five kids already, you must agree that it's time for your mom to invest in HERSELF.

[LindafromFlorida 1,542]

I've been overweight since I was 8. I've done it all as I am sure you can all understand. I'm done and ready for this.

My boyfriend, who I love very much and who loves me and thinks I am "perfect and beautiful right now" is really struggling with the fact that I want to have/am moving forward with gastric sleeve surgery in October/November. More like completely against the idea than struggling actually. A little back story, we have been friends for 13 years before we began our committed, very loving relationship just over a year ago. He has seen my ups and downs and struggles and he too has had his own struggle with weight, though to a different, lesser degree.

I was warned that he would "problem solve," and he has indeed. He thinks this is very extreme.He has said things like "Surgery is a tool just like diet and exercise if those haven't worked how do you know this one will?" or "We can be more active and eat healthier, pay more attention." I asked him the other day, "Do you think I might not be able to do this and be successful or do you not want me to have to go through this?" to which he replied that he didn't want to put it into words. I can see in his eyes that he is fearful and struggling. I can't quite decide what all of the reasons are.

I realize that I have considered the surgery for a long time and therefore had time to process all of the fears, feelings, and uncertainty that goes along with it, so I have decided to be patient with him, give him time to be uncomfortable and work through some of it on his own.

Talking to him about it was a big deal for me as food and weight are things that I have spent a lifetime NOT talking about. It's been a couple weeks since I first brought it up to him. I'm going to continue to be patient and keep talking to him about it but it has occurred to me that in the end my question is going to be "Will you be able to support me regardless of what I choose to do and any reservations you may have about it?"

Sorry to be long winded but any thoughts, past experiences, or suggestions on what is a very important issue to me would be greatly appreciated.

Ready, I have read "your story" on here so many times. You are like us, so many of us have been overweight and fought the battle like you. I cannot help with your significant other but just want to say I wish you the best. What you need to focus on is YOUR health. There are lots of men who love large, beautiful, happy overweight women (and vice versa), but is your health suffering because of the weight? If not yet, it will be. Get your boyfriend to a group meeting. Get him involved. Best of luck.

[Murphy'sMama 20]

Hi..im with my partner of 30 years and have always struggled with my weight since early teens. While your partner may love you no matter what size you are.. Yes.. It is about you. When i explained to my honey, this was about me and if you cannot say something supportive, please don't say anything at all.. Communication is key..but it IS about you/ us..