How can I best support my wife

tkpreston86 · April 22, 2007

My wife just recently had Lap Band. And I want to help her in any way what kind of things can I do for her.

Betsyjane · April 23, 2007

Now that's about the sweetest post I've ever seen. Good for you for writing.

1. Listen to her to find out what she'd like from you. It will change over time and range from food coaching to exercise encouragement to just hush up!

2. Ask her to teach you about it and to let you know what she's learning. It's a long steep learning curve for months.

3. Congratulate her for taking such a big step to improve her health. Weight loss is practically impossible to do or to maintain once you become morbidly obese, and the TV just says we all can do it with diet and exercise, or we're just lazy. Fat is the last great acceptable form of prejudice. You can say whatever you want about fat and people will laugh. You can discriminate against fat people, and no one cares. Let her know that YOU know that once you've crossed over that line to so many years of yo yo dieting and failures, that you change physically, biochemically, and in your brain, and it is NOT true that exercise and diet work or your lazy. She had the courage to do what she needed to do, and you need to be the one who knows that the best.

4. Help gently. My husband will touch me gently at dinner and then almost whisper "slow down" if I'm eating too quickly. And if it got on my nerves, I'd feel comfortable telling him not to pay attention to that anymore, and that instead, I need him to ask me every day if I've been to the gym!

5. In a sense, she's losing her best friend. for me, food was always there to handle my boredom or stress. Taking it away left some holes temporarily and I had to grieve. Then I started replacing my food with healthy habits...exercise and the like. Anyway, if your wife goes through emotional changes, just know that it's normal.

6. I guess my best advice to you is to ask her to read this post and ask her what she thinks. What she thinks will change week by week as she learns to live as a bandster, but this post might give you a common ground to start some conversations.

My best to you both.

conniesueb · April 23, 2007

That is so awesome that you want to help her so much. I totally agree with BetsyJane. Just take your cues from her--everyone is differnet in how much help they want, so just let her know that you are there for her no matter what. I am more private about it, my husband learned not to ask me every day how much weight I'd lost, or how I was feeling, etc. Sometimes, I'd just rather not make a big issue out of it, and he has learned that. He is very good about complimenting me though--he is constantly telling me how good I look, but sometimes that can be overwhelming, too. Us women are fickle creatures, and I'm sure it is hard to figure out how to strike that balance between showing care and concern, and smothering! Like I said, just take your cues from her--I'm sure she will let you know what she wants, and if she doesn't just ask. She may think you know what she wants, when you really don't have a clue, so keep the lines of communication open. Good luck!

LapBandit · April 23, 2007

Very nice. I agree with the others. Just be positive but you really need to let her express what you can do to help. She will be going through so many changes over the next few months as she learns the ropes so what she needs today might be different by May. So, if you open the lines of communication now she'll feel that it's OK to share with you all of the things she's experiencing.

Good luck!

MEW · April 23, 2007

On a lighter note....I told my husband that after I was banded, if he wanted to eat ice cream, he could stop at the convienence store, pick up just one and eat it on the way home. Dont eat it in front of me, and dont buy any at the store and keep it in my freezer to taunt me!! LOL

Seriously, the others have given some very good advice....advice that I will have my husband read tomorrow...since I am still waiting to be banded!

Betsyjane · April 23, 2007

Oh yeah. About that ice cream thing. I'm experienced enough with the band now that I love it when my husband gets a bowl of ice cream or any dessert. He gives me the first bite and I'm satisfied and really enjoy it. (But I couldn't have done that at first....)

Northernsun · April 23, 2007

Listen Listen Listen!!! There are so many things she is learning and experiencing and it is great to have someone to listen to you talk about those new discoveries. In my case also my DH tells me all the time how much I have changed and how he can't believe the difference. One thing- I hate -the look and the "you shouldn't be eatting that" comment when I have something i probably shouldn'T- I know i should not be doing it but every once in awhile you gotta!

green · April 23, 2007

Compliments are nice, especially when you mean them.

txbecca · April 23, 2007

My hubby went out of his way to prepare the kids meals and not eat around me, the first week, but I was missing the family time. The big thing now is for him to eat slow so as to keep pace with me. He was a big help with bathing, scratching my back while I was sore from the surgery. The best help now is simply being there. Sometimes if I eat to fast or swallow to big a bite I get chest pains and have to walk around.. he is always watching to make sure I'm not in pain. Just knowing he cares is very comforting.. but the creme de la creme is he changed his jogging schedule so that we can now take long walks together every evening. He still runs, but not as much, just does twice as much walking and now with me!.