Wife Eating Habits Worsening

[Andrew0929 1,101]

I am 6.5 months out and close to goal. While my wife has been extremely supportive from the beginning I've noticed that her food choices seem to be getting worse recently. She's only about 25 pounds overweight but is ordering deep fried stuff and ribs when we go out and then gets full sugar ice cream afterward.

I'm still in the honeymoon phase and am very concerned about maintaining my losses longer term. I know that I'll need to rely on healthy food choices longer term and was hoping she'd be on board with it too. She has type 2 diabetes and has not controlled it well.

I'm afraid to bring it up because both she and my daughter (also overweight but supportive ) are quick to point out that I had 85% of my stomach removed.

Any suggestions ?

[Joe I 180]

Only you control what goes in your mouth. For the longest time I tried to blame my wife for my poor choices. Don't buy it and I wont eat it, if its not in the house I wont go out and get it. Would it be easier if it wasn't around, yes it would. What it all comes down to is will power. And will power is like a muscle the more you use it the stronger it gets...

[Andrew0929 1,101]

For now, my will power is very strong and I'm hoping it remains that way. I don't blame my wife for my poor choices in the past. In fact I've probably been a bad influence on her in the past.

Still, watching her eat the fried stuff and ribs and the ice cream afterward disgusted me but tried to keep it to myself. When I was very large she wasn't shy about pointing out all of my bad habits ...

Still confused ...

[WhoKnows 288]

The best thing you can do is lead by example. However, I disagree with others about it only being your problem if your family's habits begin to affect you. Yes, ultimately it's your choice, but all of us know the concept of "willpower" is misleading. If it were simply about "willpower," most of us wouldn't have needed this surgery. If you were heroine addict who had undergone an extensive therapy treatment and were now clean, but your loved ones still used in front of you, wouldn't that be a problem? If you were a formed smoker and your partner chain smoked with you in the room, we'd agree that's a problem as well. You can't make your family change their habits, but you can ask them to help you keep certain things out of sight and out of mind. This may mean them adjusting what they order when you go out to eat together. I think that's a reasonable request.

[LindafromFlorida 1,542]

Best wishes - keep the faith and focus on your healthy eating. You cannot change anyone but yourself.

[kyleebean 209]

First off, I find the title of this thread amusing....

I too, struggle with partner's eating habits, although, maybe not for the same reason. There are some foods that buy that are a bit more expensive and I buy them for me. However, I'll go to grab a Quest bar or some Peanut Butter and there isn't any left. I never realized how much she ate... It irritates the hell out of me. That said, I'm the sole grocery shopper in our house so I have total control over what comes in. I think I would find it extremely difficult to deal with watching bad eating habits on a regular basis. Occasionally, my partner will order Chinese food or pizza and often feels really guilty about it. Honestly, I could care less... For me it would be totally different if cake, chocolate or ice cream were being eaten in front of me. Those are HUGE trigger foods for me and she has been super respectful of that.

Is it possible for you to have a very candid conversation with your wife about how you feel. Even though she may be sensitive about this subject, she doesn't have the opportunity to change her behavior unless she is aware of how you feel.

Best of luck!

[Pookeyism 1,143]

I have a similar situation, but no child. My husband is slowly creeping up in the weight to the point that he is now officially morbidy obese, and has co-morbidities. Many more than I did at the equivalent rough BMI. He has always been uber healthy and a quick healer. Not so much anymore.

He does not say it is easy cause I had surgery, he has just seen too much that I think he would even dare say that – even if he thought it! LOL! But he does say things like “Wow you can eat so much more than you used to”, which at one point I used to reply “as opposed to 2 oz. of Jello, back when I was bald?”.

I think maybe he has come to have a feeling if overwhelming discouragement over seeing other people lose weight with or without the surgery. It is an ongoing effort to be kind with this. Mostly, I can’t control what he eats when he is not around me. So I don’t try. At home, I fix it before it happens. No breads at home, no sugary foods, no morning cereals or processed Snacks. With the exception of his “hidden” chocolate stash. Which is ok for now, I can’t win every advancement in every battle. When we eat out, I do not give in on the bad foods. No chains, like Chili’s or macaroni Grill, nothing. Fast food? Does My Fit Foods or Jason’s Deli count? If so then yes, if not then no. Our together rituals have begun to include long mornings going to get farm raised eggs and milk, pick strawberries or such, farmers markets, etc. Evenings taking healthy cooking classes, or painting, or how to juice or make raw meals. Yoga, swimming, SUP is a new “thing” and the hubby is surprised he is good at it.

I’m not sure if I would do it or not, but I would be tempted to point out (to someone if this were me) that my surgery has WHAT to do with them choosing to eat poorly? Tell them to eat as much as they can hold, of a healthier fare. Or perhaps ask back "are you trying to get a big as I was so you have to go through all this? I am not always tactful, so I would be kind with getting this message across.

Just a bit more advice - you control what your child eats, not the other way around. Your wife can sabotage her health but you can intervene with your child. Make time to go eat healthy foods with her and participate in fun, active events with your daughter even if your wife does not attend.

[moonlitestarbrite 902]

this may actually be more of a marital issue rather than a health issue. have you considered couples counseling? if ones spouse is acting in a way that creates feelings of disgust but they cant discuss it, counseling might be appropriate at that point. esp if one has left over feelings from the past that is influencing the situation.

[Andrew0929 1,101]

this may actually be more of a marital issue rather than a health issue. have you considered couples counseling? if ones spouse is acting in a way that creates feelings of disgust but they cant discuss it, counseling might be appropriate at that point. esp if one has left over feelings from the past that is influencing the situation.

It's not at that point yet but it could reach that point eventually. On the few occasions when I've pointed out her bad eating habits I've been accused of being a "reformed over-eater".

Again she's only 25 pounds overweight, but her diabetes is worsening and obviously due to her food choices.

[Andrew0929 1,101]

<p style="margin:0in;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Arial, sans-serif;">I have a similar situation, but no child. My husband is slowly creeping up in the weight to the point that he is now officially morbidy obese, and has co-morbidities. Many more than I did at the equivalent rough BMI. He has always been uber healthy and a quick healer. Not so much anymore.</span></p><p></p> <p style="margin:0in;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Arial, sans-serif;"> </span></p> <p style="margin:0in;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Arial, sans-serif;">He does not say it is easy cause I had surgery, he has just seen too much that I think he would even dare say that – even if he thought it! LOL! But he does say things like “Wow you can eat so much more than you used to”, which at one point I used to reply “as opposed to 2 oz. of Jello, back when I was bald?”.</span></p><p></p> <p style="margin:0in;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Arial, sans-serif;"> </span></p> <p style="margin:0in;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Arial, sans-serif;"> I think maybe he has come to have a feeling if overwhelming discouragement over seeing other people lose weight with or without the surgery. It is an ongoing effort to be kind with this. Mostly, I can’t control what he eats when he is not around me. So I don’t try. At home, I fix it before it happens. No breads at home, no sugary foods, no morning cereals or processed Snacks. With the exception of his “hidden” chocolate stash. Which is ok for now, I can’t win every advancement in every battle. When we eat out, I do not give in on the bad foods. No chains, like Chili’s or macaroni Grill, nothing. Fast food? Does My Fit Foods or Jason’s Deli count? If so then yes, if not then no. Our together rituals have begun to include long mornings going to get farm raised eggs and milk, pick strawberries or such, farmers markets, etc. Evenings taking healthy cooking classes, or painting, or how to juice or make raw meals. Yoga, swimming, SUP is a new “thing” and the hubby is surprised he is good at it. </span></p><p></p> <p style="margin:0in;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Arial, sans-serif;"> </span></p> <p style="margin:0in;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Arial, sans-serif;">I’m not sure if I would do it or not, but I would be tempted to point out (to someone if this were me) that my surgery has WHAT to do with them choosing to eat poorly? Tell them to eat as much as they can hold, of a healthier fare. Or perhaps ask back "are you trying to get a big as I was so you have to go through all this? I am not always tactful, so I would be kind with getting this message across.</span></p><p></p> <p style="margin:0in 0in .0001pt;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Arial, sans-serif;"> </span></p> <p style="margin:0in 0in .0001pt;"><span style="font-size:10.5pt;font-family:Arial, sans-serif;">Just a bit more advice - you control what your child eats, not the other way around. Your wife can sabotage her health but you can intervene with your child. Make time to go eat healthy foods with her and participate in fun, active events with your daughter even if your wife does not attend. </span></p><p></p>

My daughter is 21 and a college student so my ability to control her diet has diminished greatly.

In the summer the 3 of us go away almost every weekend and that's when lo

[moonlitestarbrite 902]

It's not at that point yet but it could reach that point eventually. On the few occasions when I've pointed out her bad eating habits I've been accused of being a "reformed over-eater". Again she's only 25 pounds overweight, but her diabetes is worsening and obviously due to her food choices.

i guess i am not sure what that means, "at that point yet ." again, i dont think this is necessarily about weight, but instead, changing power dynamics in your relationship. a counselor can help with that. the sooner you address it, the sooner your relationship can improve.

[Andrew0929 1,101]

It's not at that point yet but it could reach that point eventually. On the few occasions when I've pointed out her bad eating habits I've been accused of being a "reformed over-eater". Again she's only 25 pounds overweight, but her diabetes is worsening and obviously due to her food choices.

i guess i am not sure what that means, "at that point yet ." again, i dont think this is necessarily about weight, but instead, changing power dynamics in your relationship. a counselor can help with that. the sooner you address it, the sooner your relationship can improve.

It really is about food choices and the fact that I am feeling disgusted when seeing her or anyone eating deep fried foods and things like ribs. I accept this as my own problem as I know that in general each person has the right to make their own choices about what they put in their mouth . This is very new for me as I was among the worst regarding food choices beforehand. So I'm trying hard to suck it up and just worry about myself, but that's not been easy and is getting harder.

[squeaker31 65]

This is an interesting topic. It's a fine line between establishing your boundaries and asking for support ... And dictating others behavior.

My parents continue to suggest buffets where I don't have much information about what's in what I'm eating. And I was initially annoyed. Especially when I was on soft foods, I felt like they didn't consider my needs. But one of my goals with this surgery was to feel normal so I should be able to eat successfully anywhere without making a fuss. I can make good choices and with the amounts I eat I can deal if there's more fat and calories in a sauce or something that I realize.

At home with my spouse there has been minimal friction. He's on a different shift and we cook separately. But I do find myself wanting him to get my surgery honestly lol. I am morbidly obese but he is also obese now. And has high blood pressure. I feel I need to resist this urge and tend my own garden. Ultimately I want him to feel successful and healthy which is what I'm starting to feel but it's not my choice, if he wants to diet "naturally" or get surgery it would be up to him.

[moonlitestarbrite 902]

sometimes, the people closest to us unconsciously sabotage our efforts to change. for all kinds of complicated reasons.