My Best Friend and my Boyfriend do Not Know!

[everfeels9 22]

I had surgery over 2 years ago and my boyfriend nor my best friend knows this. Should I tell them?? I kinda feel like it's nobody's business. My daughter knows and my brother, an MD, knows and of course my doctors. But...my best friend and my boyfriend are both overweight. She works out but overeats and he does no xercise at all (I know! Sigh!!) except the occassional walk. I do exerise four to five times a week but they still are in awe of my weight loss success and I feel kinda guilty. I do not lie I just say Im eating less and exercising more (which is true)> Initially, I did not tell my best friend because I did not want her to talk me out of it (she's very opinionated) and when I had the surgery my boyfriend was juts a guy I was dating. Now we alre living together and much closer. He says stuff like "eat the rest' and I just say "I can't, I'm full" (which I am). Once he rubbed my stomach and said "What's this hard thing in you stomach" and I ignored him and changed the subject (He thinks my surgery scars are from a hernia and appendicitis). Obviously we are getting closer but still...It was my decision, its my body, its done and I dont feel the need to discuss it or get their opinion of it. I mean I thought it was a crazy alternative too, before I did the research and the legwork (I interviewed different doctors and attended post-op meetings before I had the procedure) and decided to go for it. I guess I feel guilty because I know the surgery works and it would help them both. But my boyfriend already doesn't like doctors and my best friend has a great job with great benefits and she can read and she watches tv and has seen the ads--if she wants info on the band she can get it! Plus, I know the procedure is not successful for everyone so I dont want to recommend it when I cant guarantee the results i've had.

Any feedback/insight into this issue would be appreciated!!

[kah1213 311]

I'm also 2 years post surgery and only my dad knows (and my docs). I don't plan to tell anyone else. It's my business and I think that's ok.

[123456789 7]

I think you should tell the boyfriend but the girlfriend does not need to know

[mrsto 2,925]

Choosing to live banded life is a huge life changing decision. Your BFF and BF are supposdly the two closest people in your life. I think that you're lying by omission. Imagine if one of them withheld such a huge thing from you? How would you feel? You've been with this guy for two years? If you're planning on spending your life with him, you shouldn't be hiding these types of things. IMHO, of course.

[gowalking 10,790]

Sooner or later you're going to have to fess up to him. You just can't keep the port a secret forever.

As far as the girlfriend...you should tell her what you told us. You thought it was a radical thing to do till you did the research but found that it wasn't a bad idea and you are proof that it works. Maybe she will be encouraged by your success... Besides, the lying by omission must weigh heavily on your mind. That can't be good for you.

[jgarcia323 3]

Even though I was not very successful with my band, and I am having revision to Gastric Bypass, i am very proud to say I went through the surgery. It was my way to a healthier me. Plus, it stopped people from recommending diets. Lol. But , its up to you. If your BF and BFF are true, they will stand by you 100%.

[nerms 237]

It's up to you whether or not you tell them. Would you be comfortable talking about it with them? Would it benefit them as well as you? You might inspire them to get it themselves, and you might have two other people to talk to about it that are close to you.

If you feel guilty about it then maybe you should get it off your chest and just tell them, otherwise if you feel comfortable living your life without them knowing then there's no need to tell them. It's not a nasty horrible secret that you're hiding from them.

[Bandista 7,466]

Have you considered discussing this with a therapist? There may be some issues here beyond privacy, like perhaps you are nervous about your own success or nervous about the relationships, trust issues, etc. I have benefitted from talking some things over with a counsellor and recommend that outlet if it's available to you. Best wishes and congratulations on choosing yourself and your healthy future.

[Jack 855]

re: " Should I tell them?? I kinda feel like it's nobody's business."

In my own opinion, this is an example of the New Personal Power we Bandsters come to know in ways our previous experience as members of the 'Tribe of the Morbidly Obese' did not understand.

I don't think it's lying at all. Eventually the likelihood is you will change your list of 'who YOU tell' in your own time frame.

Be prepared as some who have a delayed discover may have initial response of anger or hostility. In fact, neither has 'the Right' to know until YOU decide when/where/whether to tell them.

Without realizing it, perhaps, their own behavior will shift in subtle ways, that will add further dimensions to a complex issue.

When you feel confident and strong enough in your own convictions, there will be no doubt who you will tell. Until then, such information IS 'private'.

Cheers in your journey.

Edited June 20, 2014 by Jack

[The Icy One 518]

Your body, your band, your business. You will tell the people you feel need to know when they need to know. Or not. Don't let anyone pressure you to divulge anything before you are ready. This is something that you need to do on your terms, in your own time.

[Dolores33778 248]

I agree with The Icy One, you'll decide when and if they need to know and I wish all the best.

- fellow bandster.

[pink dahlia 2,513]

I don't think its "lying by omission" at all, you dont owe anybody, including bf or bff an explanation . They don't "owe" you an explanation if they had had a personal type of surgery either, unless it affected you personaly, ( boyfriend has a vasectomy, etc.) I think that if you are comfy sharing it to help them consider WLS , then fine. They might see your success and see WLS as an option for themselves to finally get healthy. But, if they're not very disiplined now, they're going to have to make some big changes and hopefully not be upset at you for suggesting it. Some people take it out on others, just sayin'. Hope all goes well for

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

In my opinion, telling loved ones later about our WLS shares some aspects of "coming out".

Our new body after WLS is who we are. We don't want to nor should we tell everyone. It's intensely personal. Our reasons for not telling others back when we had the surgery are related to many things: not sure how we felt about it ourselves (or not comfortable yet in our evolution from "con" to "pro" WLS) , fear of judgment, fear of rejection, increased scrutiny, fear of failure.

I may eventually tell others outside my five that I've had WLS. One of the reasons I'm not doing it now is all of the above, as well as the fact that with social media, word will immediately get out to my employer and others whom I am not yet ready to tell.

Your privacy is one if the few things that is truly yours. It's so vulnerable in this day and age. Don't be rushed. Do it on your terms.

Maybe in a time of calm, you can write a letter to your BFF and another to your boyfriend and just put them in a drawer. When you feel like the time is right you can either hand over the letter or you can just reread it for yourself and then sit down and talk.

Your life is your life. You've done nothing wrong. Good luck.

[kayzoog 129]

It seems you may need to tell them just to alleviate your feelings of having to hide it. It will weigh on your mind when you are in those intimate situations. That's no way to live. It bothered you enough to write it here. It has to be costing you mental bandwidth just thinking about it. I think you would feel better telling them.