Friends & Feelings

[virtualpisces 26]

I know we are responsible how we feel, that others cannot “make” us feel a certain way. But what I realize as I get more comfortable and begin to discuss the surgery with some of my friends and family is that I feel shame or like I’m a failure. Perhaps it’s because I’m an over achiever in all other areas of my life but this or perhaps it’s because they imply I’m taking the easy way out or giving up or not trying hard enough and question if I have to control my food intake anyway, why am I putting my body & finances through the surgery ringer? When they look at my 366 lb, 6’1” frame, they say I carry it well and can’t see that I have a real problem. I’m sorry, but no one carries 167 lbs well It seriously makes me question whether or not I’m coping out, KNOWING this isn’t going to be easy.

Oddly, as I explain my decision to have the surgery because it is a tool and it’s not just weightloss surgery, that I have 8 co-morbid conditions and the surgery can resolve them in a couple of weeks, I further solidify the fact that I’ve made the right decision in my mind, but I’m still left with a “bad” feeling and they still don’t get it. I want to feel excited and less scared but I’m feel angry at the lack of support from people who “love me.” I understand we should shed toxic relationships, but some of these relationships are healthy on every other front. In a culture where people are dying from obesity, I feel like there should be more awareness and acceptance, but that’s another topic.

I know I cannot possibly be the only one feeling this way. If you have experienced these feelings, how have you dealt with it? Both internally and with others?

[2muchfun 8,927]

People share different opinions on WLS. Some people simply don't understand what it's like to be obese and just can't grasp what a struggle we've all gone through to finally come to this point where we feel like we're throwing in the towel. But it's not throwing in the towel, it's taking a different tactic to live longer with less pain. And it's personal.

Even obese people don't understand why they're obese and some lack that hunger to not feel like crap all the time.

Then there are the ones closest to us who shower us with phrases like, "But you've got such a pretty face" or "you carry your weight well". I think they mean well and believe they're supporting us with these comments. They believe that these words make us feel better about our obesity and unwittingly only make the matter worse.

It takes a lot of mental commitment to try to understand why we want this so badly and why nothing else has ever worked. Cripes, even PCPs, Nurse Practitioners and nutritionists find it hard to understand so to the typical family member, this is just too much to comprehend.

The only answer is time. In time, after surgery, they will see why you want this so bad.

tmf

[BigGirlPanties 957]

There are FACTS that they need to be aware of, I think...

Obesity is soon to be the #1 killer in the WORLD

Obesity became an actual condition/diagnosis in 2013 by the Medical Community

Obesity brings other problems in to your life

Obesity has genetic qualities...so the "I was born fat" does have its merit

Surgery is not the "easy way"...as you said, it is a tool that enables you to make better choices and stay on track

They need to access this website or other Bariatric information to find how important bariatric surgery is for us that have struggled for years with this problem.

I've watched the 600lb life (Dr. Now is amazing)... talk about information!!! I can't imagine EVER getting that big...and now I won't have to worry about it... I do maintain...but I still want to lose more, and it's up to me to put in a better effort right now...

Don't let others sway you in what you know is right for YOU... if you get tired of listening to the chatter...just thank them for their concern and move on...

Good luck to you...

Edited June 16, 2014 by BigGirlPanties

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

It helped me alot when my surgeon explained to me the physical change that has happened to me. It doesn't matter how I got there (well it does, in some ways) but it does matter to be educated on how to manage the solution.

I have obesity, a disease that changed my body and metabolic response. Currently my primary symptom (excess weight) is under great control, but I still have this disease/condition. I think it is similar to type II diabetes... yes, people with that disease did things to contribute to getting it, but at this point they need help managing it. The surgery was my "help" or tool in managing and controlling my obesity.

No guilt.

No shame.

Just doing what I need to do to improve my health and my life.

[Roo101769 742]

WLS is NOT , I repeat NOT, the easy way out. You are not giving up or giving in, you are simply finding a way that will work. If diets worked there would be no need for WLS. If eating healthy and exercise worked there would be no need for diets or WLS. It may work for the few, but not the masses. Society has conditioned people to feel surgery is a last resort option for those who are too weak or fail at everything else. In a way I suppose it has some merit as you have to list all your failed efforts as a criteria for being accepted to have WLS. But I don't feel it is giving up. If anything you are now more serious about your health and losing weight than you have ever been before!!.. If you have 8 qualifying co-morbidities you certainly would benefit from surgery. And as for "carrying the weight well"... Those who love you don't see fat, they see you. It is hard to remove the "fat suit" in their minds. Trust me, when you do lose the weight they will realize how much better you look. ( and of course you will feel so much better) It is a matter of everyone retraining their thought processes to understand that bariatric surgery is a vital tool for real change. Please do not allow others confusion or lack of informed decision making effect how you feel about what you are doing. This is not an easy thing, but it is soooo worth it!

[bikrchk 1,313]

The sleeve is a treatment for a condition that can eventually kill you. I watched my Dad commit slow suicide by knife and fork and die at 54. I was 13 years old. Always overweight to obese, I "carried it well" too... Until I turned 40 when my lifestyle really began to catch up with me. High blood pressure, (3 meds) not well controlled even then, high cholesterol (1 med) , borderline diabetic and asthma that kept me up all night coughing despite the 4 meds they had me on to try and control it. It hurt to move, so I just didn't. Today, I'm a healthy, happy 47 year old with a new lease on life. I exercise regularly, eat what I like in small portions, keep track of my calories\Protein count and take my vitamins\protein. The only medication I take besides supplements is one dose per day of the post-op PPI (acid reducer), which I may take for life. Apparently the "asthma" was mostly reflux showing up as a cough in me. Correctly diagnosed and treated during my treatment. If I have any regret, it's that I didn't do it sooner! Do what you need to do to take care of your health!

[virtualpisces 26]

Thank you all for your responses. I feel empowered It's interesting that I've never really been someone to read/follow blogs or forums. Now, I find when I need support, I turn to you all because you understand and have so much to say that resonates with me. This community in invaluable!

2muchfun, you are so right! Surprisingly, PCP's & nutritionists really don’t understand. Luckily, my PCP does. She has been trying to get me to consider this for 4 years.

CowgirlJane, I think my parents finally get it when I explain that it is Metabolic & Bariatric surgery. I found this link that explains something my therapist explained to me about Set Point. You may find it interesting. I found myself shaking my head in agreement.

http://www.realize.com/education/understanding-metabolic-health

Roo101769, I have never felt more serious about losing until I faced whether or not to do the surgery. Mental strength and focus are so incredibly important. You are so right.

BigGirlPanties, first, I LOVE your username I often say time to put on my big girl panties before tackling something that will be challenging, perhaps that's what I need to do now! That and invest in some

bikrchk, so sorry to hear about your dad. I have a 12 year old son and recently he told me he feels like he's watching me die. It broke my heart!! That was part of my modivation. Also, I’m hoping by watching my journey, my dad will feel comfortable to explore the possibility of WLS. He’s 6’6, 380 and has been my whole life. While he is pretty active, I can see the toll it takes on his body and I know he wishes he could do more. I want him to have health and relief so badly. Also, I’ve had an unexplained respiratory cold since February, they thought it was pneumonia, then whooping cough. I do have sleep apnea, so we thought it was connected to that. Doctors they never considered reflux and my episodes happen to occur after eating/drinking or laying flat. Thanks for sharing!

[BigGirlPanties 957]

@virtualpisces I don't follow much of that stuff either...I barely go on FB anymore...but I find this helpful and I learn a lot...my journey is never ending... I know I will have to work on maintaining forever...just like an addict has to ... one day at a time, right?

recipes, education, a few laughs...it's all good

[bikrchk 1,313]

Thank you all for your responses. I feel empowered It's interesting that I've never really been someone to read/follow blogs or forums. Now, I find when I need support, I turn to you all because you understand and have so much to say that resonates with me. This community in invaluable!

2muchfun, you are so right! Surprisingly, PCP's & nutritionists really don’t understand. Luckily, my PCP does. She has been trying to get me to consider this for 4 years.

CowgirlJane, I think my parents finally get it when I explain that it is Metabolic & Bariatric surgery. I found this link that explains something my therapist explained to me about Set Point. You may find it interesting. I found myself shaking my head in agreement.

http://www.realize.com/education/understanding-metabolic-health

Roo101769, I have never felt more serious about losing until I faced whether or not to do the surgery. Mental strength and focus are so incredibly important. You are so right.

BigGirlPanties, first, I LOVE your username I often say time to put on my big girl panties before tackling something that will be challenging, perhaps that's what I need to do now! That and invest in some

bikrchk, so sorry to hear about your dad. I have a 12 year old son and recently he told me he feels like he's watching me die. It broke my heart!! That was part of my modivation. Also, I’m hoping by watching my journey, my dad will feel comfortable to explore the possibility of WLS. He’s 6’6, 380 and has been my whole life. While he is pretty active, I can see the toll it takes on his body and I know he wishes he could do more. I want him to have health and relief so badly. Also, I’ve had an unexplained respiratory cold since February, they thought it was pneumonia, then whooping cough. I do have sleep apnea, so we thought it was connected to that. Doctors they never considered reflux and my episodes happen to occur after eating/drinking or laying flat. Thanks for sharing!

I didn't know that that Morbid Obesity was actually on my Dad's death cert until my Mom told me when she made her peace with the news I was going to do WLS. It just strengthened my resolve that I was saving my life by getting the sleeve. As for the coughing when lying flat, get some risers from your local bed and bath store and put 2 under the top feet under your bed so its at a decent angle. It takes some getting used to, but it's way more comfortable than a wedge pillow. If it relieves your symptoms, there's a really good indication you have silent reflux. An EGD (part of the pre-op test process for most of us) will help confirm. Mine found a small hiatial hernia they fixed in my procedure. Issues were worse the first month post-op and have now completely resolved with a single night time dose of PPI. I can sleep flat now too!

[trish151 33]

It's possible to shed the discussion about it without shedding the friendship. Some people won't get it because they don't know and can't know your struggles. I have found that when I talked to people about it before hand, if I was confident in my decision and didn't waver, it put them at peace. That's what they are looking for, can you live with the decision, own it and be proud that you are doing what you know is best for you. Looking back now, even some of my "fat" friends tried to talk me out of it. I found out later some didn't want me to have it because they couldn't afford it and didn't want me "out doing" them. Go figure, anyway it happens. My best friend didn't want me to have it and she just kept saying she didn't think it was a good idea. We have had several tiffs since I did it. My weight loss has forced her to look at her own issues and we have been out a few times. She can't stand the attention I have gotten and has referred to me as the Skinny B. I don't care much for her opinion. I feel sooooo much better in my own skin.

[Rovobay 920]

All great words above. I think this is why I have opted to not tell anyone besides my wife. I will deal with it as it comes up, and the more i read on this sight the more prepared I feel that I will be able to respond to common cynicism and misconceptions about wls. hopefully by the time someone squeezes the truth out of me, I will be 100lbs lighter.