Introductions & important question - surgery without support

[efierke 60]

Hi - I'm Eric, 38 year old RN with a current BMI of 43 (give or take). I've had two previous false starts with having surgery, the first was about 5 years ago and the most recent was about 18 months ago.

First time - I had pretty crappy insurance, so it would have been cost prohibitive in all honesty. Was also before the gastric sleeve had wide approval,

This most recent time, and finally this time, is what leads me to my question - How much success have people had without support? I live in a house with a few friends of mine and my partner. 18 months ago he begged me to put it off for a year, said he didn't agree with the surgery, said he would help me lose the weight, etc. Well, I put it off for a year, have continued to make efforts to lose weight without much success and, more frustrating, without any support from my partner or from my household.

My family isn't thrilled with me having surgery, to say the least. They are at least understanding and supportive though. I have friends online who are supportive, and local friends who are but, to be honest, they're generally in the minority - by and large, for the most part I feel like I'm doing this alone. That's a little terrifying and more than a little frustrating.

So I'm wondering - how likely am I to be successful with the surgery, given those circumstances?

I'm an RN - I have the medical knowledge.

I am damn good in the kitchen, so I think I can come up with food that will get me through the first post-op weeks where there aren't a lot of options.

My biggest concern right now is the lack of emotional and social support making it a deal breaker. I've heard "just eat less" too damn many times, and I'm fairly certain that the surgery is going to cost me at least one or two friendships.

Any input would be appreciated. Right now I'm on track to have surgery in late January of next year.

[mentalistfan 189]

During the psych evaluation I was asked if I had support, so it's important. Some people are head strong and don't need as much support as others. We all need to be prepared as possible...we need to have Faith we will succeed, God Bless!!!

[blondiebabs 214]

I've been told by the majority of my friends in the past that I should not get weight loss surgery, so I'm not even talking to them about it now that I have decided to do it because I do not need that kind of negativity. I listened to everyone else for too many years and tried without success to do it on my own. I only have 3 people supporting me in my real life, I love the support here. I think if you have the resolve that you are doing this for your health and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about it, then you can succeed.

Your health is what is most important no matter what anyone thinks about how you chose to get there. You will have tons of cheerleaders here.

[NothingUpMySleeve 244]

My husband was supportive but everyone else really wasn't. Standard "you're not that big" or "you'll just gain it back" type stuff. I felt kind of alone.

Well, I did it anyway and I'm damn glad. The food prep is no biggie. My husband ended up deciding to do it, too, after he saw my success.

I was a self-pay in Mexico but my surgeon has an online support group. I log on every single day for encouragement. Six months out, I have a healthy bmi, some nice muscle, and I can buy cute small clothes (I know this last point is prob not as big a deal to guys, but still...)

You can do this.

[Cupcake 801]

Hi I believe you can do this if you decide your health and happiness must come first before anyone . If you lost a friend then they were not truly a friend because friends want you to be happy and healthy. Don't let their disapproval stop you from being healthy and robbing you of years of happiness as well as healthy good luck my friend .

[#9grammy 274]

Try taking you partner or a friend with you to support groups, nut, even the doctor. I took my fiancé who was against me doing th, he said it was to drastic of a way to lose weight. Drastic or not I'd been reading up on it for months and I was having it done. I think he's come around now, at least I hope so. I haven't asked him.

I take him to all appointments with me, he and I are retired so we can do this together. He asked questions at the nut support group and at my nut meeting. Maybe you can try taking your partner with you.

Good Luck

#9grammy

[JerseyCityGal 231]

All my immediate family are deceased. I have some half-siblings that were not raised with me and I have no contact with them. I'm an introvert so I don't I don't exactly have a social circle, and I'm fairly isolated at work. I have one really good friend who lives about 1,000 miles away. That's pretty low support, lol. Yet I have no doubt whatsoever I can and will do this. It's for me, so I can and will do it for me.

You have to remember that at the end of the day, it's your body. It's your "home", where your soul lives. It's up to you to do right by it, no matter what anyone else is offering up. YOU have to be supportive of it and take of it and care of it no matter what.

I'm a really independent person, so that probably helps a lot, but even so ... you have to get your mindset to a place where you aren't approaching this with fixed assumptions, ie "people want me to fail". Maybe some of them do. If that's true, you can clean house when the time comes, but don't let that hold you back from doing what's best for you. There is a difference between good concern (This surgery sounds dangerous. I'm afraid for you.) which can be dealt with by providing facts and information and ulterior motives or whatever "Let's put it off for another year!" (We already did that and I didn't lose an ounce.).

Maybe you will lose a couple of friends and have to find some new and more supportive ones or maybe they will adapt to the situation. Just don't stay fat and unhappy to keep other people comfortable. That's not being fair to yourself.

[NYCkindofgirl 62]

Hi Eric, You need to look at your own motivation first. Are you doing this for the right reasons? Once you are clear on why you are having surgery, then you need to look at the timing. Is this the right time for you? When you are clear that this is the right solution at the right time you can TRY to explain it to your partner. People who have never had to lose weight or only had a small amount to lose can't really understand the frustration of dieting for the "morbidly obese". If you need to talk, please feel free to send me a PM with your phone number. I'm sure there are many people here who will be happy to help support you emotionally!

[stacielynntate 88]

Hi Eric, Maybe have your partner go to a class or dr apt with you so he sees what is all going to happen. Also see if there is any support groups offered in your area. I go thru Kaiser and they have them and I find them helpful. Good luck.

[efierke 60]

I appreciate all the responses. They've been very helpful. To be honest - I tried to have my partner come with me to a class when I started the process 18 months ago, and that made him even more certain that I shouldn't do it. I've noticed that the more medical knowledge that people have, the more positive they are about the surgery (and I suspect I'm not the only one who's noticed that in this group). Am working on finding a support group in the area - there are a few, and in fact I'm required to go as a part of my pre-op process.

I suspect I'll lose at least a few friends - the strict naturopaths and part time dietiticans at my church, the people who think surgery is a "cop out" that I'm not a good person unless I fight and fail (yet again). To be honest, I'm sick of that shit and don't really think I'll be worse off.

[blondiebabs 214]

Sounds like you are at that point where you are just sick and tired of being sick and tired, like a lot of the rest of us. In the end your happiness and health are the most important thing, I'm glad it sounds like you are ready to just do this for you no matter what everyone else thinks.

Hopefully your partner will come around once it's all said and done and support you in recovery, if not, his loss.