Feeling like my "partner" doesnt get it

[RKPG2angels 11]

RJ thanks for the video! That was pretty nasty lol. I've been off soda for a month on Monday and I'm staying off no matter what crap people bring home.

Blondie you are right, some people have no compassion. I did know this about him before we were married though so just something I need to either deal with or help him recognize. He was raised on crap and has never had a weight problem so it has been hell even getting him to try healthier foods. What's the point when you think you're invincible? :-)

[JonathanS 75]

As a single young guy that has never been in a relationship longer then a year, I really have no business commenting but I'm going to anyway . All I wanted to say is that him trying to sabotage you could be his own insecurity. He may be afraid that when you gain more self confidence as the weight comes off that you may be unwilling to deal with his controlling demeanor. The divorce statistic of people after weight loss is high for a reason, we are a lot less willing to put up with BS!

[RKPG2angels 11]

<p> One thing that helps me is telling myself that Taco Bell will still exist when I'm a healthy weight and staying away from it now is way more important to me than anything else at the moment.</p>

Exactly! That's what I keep telling myself too! I'm still morning my fave foods and have to keep reminding myself that chile rellenos aren't leaving me, they are just food that I cannot and will not eat right now because as tony robins says "nothing tastes as good as thin feels"

I don't want to be thin, just healthy but you get the idea

[RKPG2angels 11]

Moonlite - Ok I just typed a big long response that vanished :-/

Anyway, the gist of it was I am definitely going to talk to my husband and make sure he understands what I need and expect from him. I'm typically a bottle it up to avoid confrontation type but you are right, this is my life and my health we are talking about here and my husband and I need to be on the same page.

Edited June 12, 2014 by RKPG2angels

[RKPG2angels 11]

<p> He may be afraid that when you gain more self confidence as the weight comes off that you may be unwilling to deal with his controlling demeanor. The divorce statistic of people after weight loss is high for a reason, we are a lot less willing to put up with BS!</p>

When I was doing the 6 months of prep we did discuss his insecurities about me getting skinny and cheating on him. We...or at least I did not consider that with more confidence would come higher expectations for how I am treated. That makes sense and is kind of exciting and scary. I think it's one of those things that can make or break a relationship and I have only considered positive changes for us up until now. I'm confident we have what it takes though...as long as we are both willing to adapt and compromise

[blondiebabs 214]

Hmmm you guys should maybe consider couples therapy. Or you can each go by yourselves, to work on his insecurities if he doesn't feel like he can open up in front of you and you to talk about your frustrations with him, and then maybe go together later so that you guys can have a moderator and address the issues in a safe environment once you know how to articulate them. It would be worth a try if you love each other and want to make it work.

[WhoKnows 288]

I agree with @blondiebabs. Therapy sounds like a must, probably both together and separately. Maybe if you can get him to your next appointment, your surgeon or nutritionist can help push in this direction as well. You say it will work out if you're both willing to change and compromise, but right now it doesn't sound like he is.

[JenSul 21]

As a single young guy that has never been in a relationship longer then a year, I really have no business commenting but I'm going to anyway . All I wanted to say is that him trying to sabotage you could be his own insecurity. He may be afraid that when you gain more self confidence as the weight comes off that you may be unwilling to deal with his controlling demeanor. The divorce statistic of people after weight loss is high for a reason, we are a lot less willing to put up with BS!

This is what I am afraid of. I have been married 18 years. I have a feeling if I get this surgery done this is what will happen. He already is insecure :/

I pray that's not the case. He is supportive but we shall see

[ForGracieGirl 8]

Hang in there! You can do this. You've come this far. Once he see's how strong you are he may change, but if he doesn't this is your time to shine! Put reminders around the kitchen of why you did this in the first place. At this point you've gone over the hardest hurdle. Maybe you can ask him to keep his junk food in a private place, so that you don't have to be tempted by it. :/

[Miss Mac 6,262]

You did not say that he was force-feeding you or humiliating you or refusing you access to the groceries that you need. So, going on that assumption, I would suggest that you find some creative ways to modify foods that you both can eat. There are many Paleo and Primal websites that offer recipes for that purpose: My favorite is Mark's Daily Apple. If your hubby is an enthusiastic meat eater, he will appreciate this concept as a compromise.

Also, instead of drawing a line between two camps, ask him to get involved in the process and help you experiment in the kitchen. My S/O is from Malta and thoroughly enjoys cooking in the Mediterranean style on his days off from work. He is perfectly willing to do the marketing and preparation, but I enjoying working side by side in the kitchen with him....I have learned so much more than my Midwest homestyle fare.

Yeah, he has some junk food on hand, but I just consider it all to be poison and stay out of it. But here is how we cope in the kitchen. We both like chicken breast, so he will grill it or bake it. Last week, he stuffed the chicken breast with a mixture of ricotta, frozen chopped spinach, and seasonings. We had fresh home-cooked green Beans with it We part culinary styles when I have a few berries for a delayed dessert, and he has some of his Cookies or crumb cake.

Another example is Breakfast. He will make ahead a couple of Breakfast frittatas, made in a pie crust and filled with a scrambled eggs, ham, bacon, or chopped sausage, and veggies such as peppers, onions, mushrooms, Tomato - even left-over steamed broccoli, and some shredded cheddar or American cheese. The only difference is that he eats the crust and I don't. Same concept for pizza. He eats the crust and breadsticks, and I don't. tuna salad??? He makes a sandwich, but I eat mine with sliced tomato.

We rarely eat dinner out any more. It's just not that special since there is much better food at home that is customized to perfection. Who ever does the cooking, the other does the dishes. So, pick your battles. So long as he understands that you had major surgery and need adequate time to recover well, offer to work out that compromise in the kitchen. My S/O keeps his stash of Pecan Sandies and potato chips under his side of the bed. I know it's there, but I am used to respecting boundaries. And chances are, he is not going to bother your unsalted mixed nuts.

I have thrown a couple of stinkers to the curb, myself, but your guy just sounds under-informed to me. If you are not able to openly discuss your healthcare with him, then you have bigger marital problems than just "What's for dinner? " If therapy is out of the question, then I do like the idea of coaxing him to a support session. My guy has been with me to several of my appointments and knows all of my various doctors by name and face. He is very aware of this whole process and what is yet to come. Hang in there and stand your ground. You may bring out the Prince Charming in him by asking for his help rather than his judgement. I wish you good luck and good health.

[moonlitestarbrite 902]

Moonlite - Ok I just typed a big long response that vanished :-/ Anyway, the gist of it was I am definitely going to talk to my husband and make sure he understands what I need and expect from him. I'm typically a bottle it up to avoid confrontation type but you are right, this is my life and my health we are talking about here and my husband and I need to be on the same page.

omg! i hate when that happens! argh. just an aside, that might be one of the big reasons you got fat. eating our feelings is very common for obese people. you need to change that now.

[RKPG2angels 11]

omg! i hate when that happens! argh. just an aside, that might be one of the big reasons you got fat. eating our feelings is very common for obese people. you need to change that now.

Yea that's a big reason. I'm an emo eater from way back lol

And I'm done with that so yea time to put me first for a change

[moonlitestarbrite 902]

omg! i hate when that happens! argh. just an aside, that might be one of the big reasons you got fat. eating our feelings is very common for obese people. you need to change that now.

Yea that's a big reason. I'm an emo eater from way back lol

And I'm done with that so yea time to put me first for a change.

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are Brene Brown (Author)

[moonlitestarbrite 902]

i dont know what that posted all weird like that... but it's *supposed* to say: this is a great book! LOL

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Brene Brown (Author)

[bloomrz 9]

My husband refuses to stop buying junk food. I'm 10 days post op, still on liquids and he's bringing home funnions and ritz crackers and liters of soda. PLUS he expects me to cook dinner every night when I can't even taste the food and it's really bumming me out. I have told him how hard it is for me to not eat junk food and he tells me I have to have will power which I understand but if I had willpower I wouldn't have reached 300 freakin pounds!! I understand he's not on, nor does he need to be on a diet but I am so hungry for food right now that I feel like I need to move out or something to stick to my doctors instructions. Just felling totally unsupported and needing to vent :-(

I totally feel ya. I am 11 days post op and I went shopping with my mom the other day. She was so hungry so I told her let's go have lunch. She ordered a sandwich and a cup a Soup and I had just a cup of vegetable soup but mainly sip the broth. I was looking around the restaurant and everybody was so happy eating sandwiches, salad bar, baked potatoes and having soda. At first deep inside of me I felt like I made a mistake I'd rather be fat and eat ven tu have to suffer like this. But then a lady walked in the door around 400 pounds. She waddled to the counter and order The Lord of Meatballs subs with a salad bar that she loaded with cheese ranch and croutons. I watched her eat and she was not happy she was feeding an addiction. At that moment I was so happy that my broth filled me up. I was happy that I made the choice to change my life so that I was not her. Its hard to see other people doing things you can't do now but in the future months we can eat food again. And the small portions will change our lives forever. Just stay strong write in a journal focus and pray.