Ex-Friend Keeps Writing Negatively About Me on Different Blogs and Web Sites

[Sharon C. 32]

My ex-friend keeps writing negatively about me on different blogs and web sites because she disagrees with my decision to get weight loss surgery. She made a decision recently to end our friendship when she found out I was getting this surgery. I don't know what my surgery has to do with her. It's my body, not hers. Why does she keep writing about me? I don't understand.

Here are the things she's written about me (that I know of):

http://fiercefatties.com/2014/06/10/choosing-self-preservation-and-kindness-over-friends/

Choosing Self-Preservation and Kindness Over Friends

I’m fairly picky about my friends, it’s true. I hold my friends to a high standard and any bigotry must go. I’ve ended friendships over sexism, racism, ableism, homophobia/biphobia/transphobia, and, yes, fatphobia.

The thing is, most people understand perfectly when you end a friendship because your friend ends up being a racist or a homophobe, but they get all undie-bunched when it comes to choosing friends who are not fatphobic, like this sort of bigotry should be accepted and tolerated with kindness. Which yes, some people can and do, and that’s perfectly fine. Change people from the inside. You go!

The thing is, though, you’re also allowed to not have that negativity in your life. For many of us fatties, having fatphobes around constantly bombarding us with body hate, either internalized or directed at us, is extraordinarily triggering. Many of us have experience with eating disorders, many more with disordered eating, and almost all of us, at some point, have hated our bodies. Being around the negativity of weight bigotry can put us in a very bad and very dark place. But, say the haters, you should just deal with it because body hate is perfectly acceptable in our society.

Now, I do understand that someone with fat hate issues can’t necessarily be blamed. In a culture that constantly demonizes fat and fat people, how can you really not have fat hate issues unless you’be become Enlightened through education and understanding? It’s tough, and internalized fat hate is society’s fault especially more than the person’s. But that doesn’t mean I have to put myself around it.

And this is where the self-preservation and kindness part comes in. I have the right to look after my mental and physical well-being. I have the right to say that enough is enough and that I need positive body influences in my life. You have that exact same right and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Recently, I ended a friendship because this friend decided to get weight loss surgery. She was involved in the Fat Acceptance movement, so it was a double blow and a personal betrayal. I decided that it would be very bad for my health (mental and physical) to watch someone I care about go through that all because of severe internalized fat hate. As someone with a 10-year history of having an eating disorder, I could not watch someone choose what amounts to a medically-induced eating disorder (and, in fact, medical anorexia can be an official side effect of these surgeries).

I blogged about this on my personal blog and got bombarded with pro-WLS people calling me sexist slurs, threatening me, and calling me a horrible person/friend, all because I decided to look out for myself. If there’s one thing that I want you to take away from this blog post, it’s that no friendship is worth your mental or physical health. No relationship is worth your health. Period.

Now, personally, my friend was completely oblivious to how her actions could effect me at all. I chalk this up to pure self-centeredness, but I have the feeling the rest of you know exactly what I’m talking about. Others’ actions have consequences. They do affect friends, family, and lovers. Your decisions are not made in a vacuum and the consequences of those decisions don’t exist in a vacuum. Your body hate poisons other people.

So, be careful who your friends are. If you are the type of person who can stay friends with bigots and try to change them, then more power to you. We need people to change the world from the inside. But if you aren’t, that’s perfectly acceptable too. Never, ever feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You’re totally worth taking care of.

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http://www.reddit.com/r/BodyAcceptance/comments/27ski4/choosing_selfpreservation_and_kindness_over/

Too much to copy/paste here

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http://fatgirlposing.blogspot.com/2014/05/casualties.html

Casualties

My heart is heavy today and has been since Saturday when my best
friend dropped the bomb that she's getting weight loss surgery. The
betrayal, hurt, and anger that I've felt since then is mind boggling.
Since becoming involved with fat acceptance I've cut body negative
people out of my life. I've surrounded myself with people who are
positive and work hard for a wide variety of human and animal rights
issues. In other words, good people. Positive people. People who make
a difference in the world. So my world was rocked when my best friend,
after hiding it from me for months, told me that she was getting
cosmetic surgery to become thinner.

My friend is the captain of her own underpants and she can get
cosmetic surgery if she wants to, of course, but I'm captain of my own
underpants as well and I have the right to cut out people who
compromise my mental or physical well being. Having gone through a
decade long eating disorder where I was constantly praised for
starving myself, over exercising, and abusing diet pills, I can't
watch someone I care about put themselves through a medically induced
eating disorder.

I look forward to the day when weight loss surgery is banned as
medically unnecessary, dangerous, and bigoted. Weight loss cosmetic
surgery represents the extremes that our society will go to to
eradicate fat people. For all of the horror that a person feels when
they see a very thin person with an ED, it doesn't seem to hold true
for fat people with ED's. While I have a lot of personal experience
with that, this experience seems to hit closer to home Perhaps because
my friend was involved in the fat acceptance community. I thought
better of her. Not brainwashed by society's standards.

Internalized fatphobia is a horrible thing.

The bottom line is that we applaud fat people for doing dangerous,
irresponsible, unethical, things that put our lives on the line in the
name of thinness. But how would the world react if the opposite were
true? If thin people literally risked their lives to become fat
because they thought it looked prettier? I have a feeling I know the
answer.

So, I suppose I've finally experienced a personal casualty in the War
On Fat. During my own struggles I came close to losing my life, but
this somehow feels so much worse.

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This is what she emailed me:

ten reasons why you're perfect the way you are and you don't need
cosmetic surgery.

1. you're beautiful the way you are: cosmetic surgery can change how
you look,but it doesn't change who you are.

2. cosmetic surgery won't fix your self esteem: too many people have
thought that it would, but losing weight and looking different won't
automatically make you feel better about yourself. you need to do that
from the inside and you can do that at any weight.

3. you can be healthy at any size- you have to change your behaviors,
not your appearance. currently you don't eat well or exercise and if
you lose weight but still don't change those behaviors then you're
still going to have issues. Remember that studies show that health
problems initially go away during weight loss but very often return
because weight does not equal health.

4. this particular type of cosmetic surgery is dangerous. The sleeve
is less dangerous than some other methods, but they're all dangerous.
There's a laundry list of side effects that i'm sure you've seen,
including death. is it really worth it just to look more socially
acceptable?

5. you're making a statement: when a fat person decides that being
thin is better than being fat and actively tries to change their
bodies it makes a statement about all fat people and it makes a social
statement. and that is that being thin is better than being fat.

6. people already love you just the way you are: this needs little
explanation.. people already care about you, you have no problem
finding dates or hook ups. your life isn't hindered by anything except
your lack of confidence which won't be fixed by cosmetic surgery.

7. body hate poisons you: work on loving yourself instead of blaming your body

8. your body works hard for you- why abuse it? I apologized to my body
a long time ago for the eating disorder I put it through, for the self
injury I put it through, for the abuse I put it through. No body
should be treated that way. you're willing to mutilate your lovely
body and put it through a medically induced eating disorder. why do
you feel it deserves that kind of hatred and abuse?

9. it's fatphobic: you know enough about fat acceptance and body
politics for me not to need to go into too much detail here. It's
related to number 5- you're becoming part of a society that favors
thin people over fat people and giving it your seal of approval. that
society is not only fatphobic but misogynistic and classist as well.
You're choosing to stop fighting against that and to give into it
instead.

10. You'll be losing a friend: Because I find WLS to be completely
unethical and because I struggled with my own eating disorder for ten
years, I can't watch someone purposefully do that to themselves. The
body hate, the negativity, and the triggers are just too much for me.
Maybe that's not even close to enough to keep you from doing this
surgery, but at least I can say I tried. You know that body hate and
intentional weight loss go against everything that I stand for. I
can't just sit by and watch it happen to someone I care about. I can't
do it and I won't. So, while it's your body and your choice, realize
that that choice comes with consequences. I'm also allowed to make my
own choices for my own mental well being. Literally every time I
talked to your or hung out with you it would be heartbreaking and
triggering. Friendships shouldn't be a negative experience which is
why I would have to end this one.

[moonlitestarbrite 902]

she is a very disturbed woman. you need to stop reading things she writes. you need to make a promise to yourself that you are letting her go 100%. that you will not look up things she writes online, you will not think about her, that you will move on so you can start a new life that is positive and healthy. walk away, move on, let her go. pursuing her will only bring you pain. you deserve better. cut her loose in your head and give yourself a loving break.

[Sharon C. 32]

You are right.

I did not know about the most recent posting she made on a blog yesterday until a friend saw it and pointed it out to me.

she is a very disturbed woman. you need to stop reading things she writes. you need to make a promise to yourself that you are letting her go 100%. that you will not look up things she writes online, you will not think about her, that you will move on so you can start a new life that is positive and healthy. walk away, move on, let her go. pursuing her will only bring you pain. you deserve better. cut her loose in your head and give yourself a loving break.

[nerms 237]

Wtf???????????

Omg my blood is boiling, it makes no sense to me? She wants to be around people that positive about their bodies but dumps you when you make the decision that you want to love yourself?

It's not healthy to be fat FOR MIND BODY AND SOUL? Why should you have to "accept" it and suffer in order for her "mental health" to be stable? It's your fucking life!! YOUR MENTAL HEALTH AND PHYSICAL HEALTH IS THE MAIN PRIORITY, forget her. She mustn't have been a great friend to begin with.

It sounds to be that she's maybe jealous because she knows you're going to succeed? One if the first lines was "us fatties" so I'm assuming she's overweight and in denial with the "fat acceptance" bullshit.

[Butterflyhigh 504]

Oh, blah blah blah. Your friend is a wordy b**ch.

Fataphobia...whatever.

She has created this whole little 'proud fat girl' identity for herself, which is fine, but it's her way of staying in denial about her own weight issues. She doesn't want to feel ashamed, or unattractive, or embarrassed about her weight so instead of trying to loose the weight she embraces being fat as this whole spiritual and emotional side of herself.

Your friend sounds like she is very smart but in some serious denial. She's also wicked manipulative to label those around her who want to loose weight as negative fatophobics. That's insane. And the fact that she continues to blog about you just shows how SHALLOW of a friend she is. There are some people who won't stand next to a pretty girl...skinny girl...successful girl...because they feel like standing next to one shines a spotlight on their shortcomings. She is insecure and I would place money on the fact that she is also secretly unhappy with her weight.

[Olarance75 215]

Not to be mean or insensitive here but your former friend has some serious mental health issues...each person has to find their path in life and someone wanting to control ur life is not nor never was your friend. your decision to become thin is really not affecting her...she jealous that u will be successful

Whereas her previous attempts at thinness ended in failure. She wants u to be miserable with her. Let's be honest who chooses to be obese and have tons of obesity related illnesses. Be glad she ended the "friendship"..

[Averiex 26]

It seems a bit like a double standard.. She wants you to love yourself, but on her terms.. WLS isnt just about vanity, it is also about health. She seems to have many demons she needs to work out. Personally I think she is just taking your choice and creating a problem out of it to justify not dealing with her actual problems. Keep away from her.

Edited June 12, 2014 by Averiex

[ladykatie_ 117]

STAY AWAY.

You don't need her negativity in your life. If she wants to obsess over you, let her. It's creepy anyway.

I'll be your friend.

[Sharon C. 32]

I've had a lot of people tell me she's jealous of my getting the surgery and losing weight.

Wtf???????????
Omg my blood is boiling, it makes no sense to me? She wants to be around people that positive about their bodies but dumps you when you make the decision that you want to love yourself?

It's not healthy to be fat FOR MIND BODY AND SOUL? Why should you have to "accept" it and suffer in order for her "mental health" to be stable? It's your f**king life!! YOUR MENTAL HEALTH AND PHYSICAL HEALTH IS THE MAIN PRIORITY, forget her. She mustn't have been a great friend to begin with.

It sounds to be that she's maybe jealous because she knows you're going to succeed? One if the first lines was "us fatties" so I'm assuming she's overweight and in denial with the "fat acceptance" bullshit.

[Sharon C. 32]

I would love to have you as a friend!

STAY AWAY.

You don't need her negativity in your life. If she wants to obsess over you, let her. It's creepy anyway.

I'll be your friend.

[Ginger Snaps 1,323]

Your ex-friend did say 1 thing truthful:

Never, ever feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You’re totally worth taking care of.

Too bad she can't extend that compassion to her "friends". I agree with the poster above -- try to stop looking at what she's writing. She's got a new soapbox to stand on now and she'll eventually move on. If you know her in person, you might try to talk to her and tell her you don't appreciate her making you a topic of online rants but I doubt if it will do any good-- she'll make your discussion the next blog entry.

I'm so sorry you're going through this -- this chick seems very unstable and wants to stir up drama.

Ginger

[Sharon C. 32]

Y'all are right. I've blocked her on Facebook.

It seems a bit like a double standard.. She wants you to love yourself, but on her terms.. WLS isnt just about vanity, it is also about health. She seems to have many demons she needs to work out. Personally I think she is just taking your choice and creating a problem out of it to justify not dealing with her actual problems. Keep away from her.

[blondiebabs 214]

It is interesting how selfish and self centered she is but is projecting her own issues onto you like they are your issues. I know it has to hurt to see what she is saying, if any more of your friends send you anything just say you aren't interested. I do not know why you chose WLS, my first thought was maybe this girl (you) has a serious medical condition (like I do) and needs to lose the weight quickly to be healthy. Nothing my friends do effects me unless I make a conscious decision to allow it to. I may worry about them, but it is not going to send me into a spiral of insanity like this chick has obviously entered. I do not know what kind of person she is, however it looks like she loves attention and since she obviously has a warped perception of the fat acceptance movement she is using your life choice to get her much needed attention looking for people to agree with her and make her feel better about her own life choices. And like others said, she seems to have a huge green eyed jealous monster coming out, maybe she knows you will get a lot of attention and she likes to be the only one getting attention. She kind of comes off like a fat Hitler, if you aren't fat you aren't right and must hate all fat people. Wanting to be healthy at a lower weight does not equal hating fat people or hating yourself.

As for her list, this youtube vid may give some good perspective, I love it. People usually speak out of ignorance when they say why you shouldn't get WLS. He starts with the list of why other people tell you not to have weight loss surgery at about 3:25.

Edited June 12, 2014 by blondiebabs

[Olarance75 215]

Of course she is jealous of you.... Keep the grass low so u can see the snakes. Who ever heard of wls as cosmetic? That b..ch is crazy and u need to stay away from her...girl when she saw me I would be at goal weight looking fab.... Smile at her and wink. No words

[BlackBerryJuice 349]

It seems a bit like a double standard.. She wants you to love yourself, but on her terms.. WLS isnt just about vanity, it is also about health. She seems to have many demons she needs to work out. Personally I think she is just taking your choice and creating a problem out of it to justify not dealing with her actual problems. Keep away from her.

So true. Note the comments about getting "cosmetic surgery." It is NOT cosmetic, although there are certainly appearance-related benefits.