Spouse in need of support

[Lah15 1]

Hello all. I am new here. Not sure exactly where to begin. My fiancée had the rny surgery at the end of March. I have been doing a lot of reading about the patient after surgery An I cannot begin to fathom what you all are going through. My most difficult time has been going through the mood swings with her and the constant frustration of eating food. Sometimes she gets so angry out of the blue and says really hurtful things she needs a lot of space and all I want to do is comfort her but I feel like I am pushing her away and that is the complete opposite of what I'm tryin to do. Idk I need some support.

[Chelenka 827]

It it a rough ride when an emotional eater is no longer able to use food to quell all their emotions and keep themselves calm and even tempered. I should know cuz that's my MO! Is your fiancé part of a support group for weight loss surgery? If not she probably needs to find one or a therapist. However, if you say that to her you will probably piss her off royally. You are in the proverbial hard spot my friend. Try to be patient and ask her what she needs and wants from you in terms of support. Tell her what you just wrote, that you don't understand what she is going through but you want to help her. It may be that she just needs to vent. The good news is that it gets easier as time goes on. I am about 17 months post op and I can eat a lot more now than I could at 5 months.

[rome 156]

I was sleeved on May 20th and have good days and bad. We knew it would be a life change but to actually go through it is a whole different story. I haven't been all that great with my significant other and I know that it is hard on him. I just told him to be patient with me and to let me know when I am being a "B". Sometimes I know I am and I just want to be called out on it!

So I guess my advice would be to tell her you are doing your best to adjust with her in this journey. WHile you want to support her she needs to know that you will not allow her to verbally lash out at you without you calling her out on it. I know for me when my guy does it I get out of my "pity party" and realize that there are other people who matter besides me and food!

Good luck! I'm hoping it gets better for us.....for your sake too :-)

[pink dahlia 2,513]

Sorry if this sounds mean ( Uh oh ! It's the Tough Love Train again ! ), but just because SHE had WLS does' nt mean she has the right to use you as a verbal punching bag. SORRY, but thats just not right. If she' having problems she needs to see a therapist who deals with this kind of thing. I would get her to one ASAP. Good luck to you !

[CeeBa 20]

The biggest gift you can give her right now is your patience. You don't deserve it, but it sounds like you sympathize a bit with how hard this must be on her. If you can find her at a calm moment (NOT when you're upset at a particular incident, but in a quiet moment), try talking with her about it, and maybe try to agree on a codeword you should use when you feel like she's attaching you from her "Hangry" place (hungry/angry) rather than for something you've actually done wrong. She probably realizes it, deep down, and is just having a hard time remembering it in the moment. Help her remember and hopefully she will care enough to take a breath before lashing out at you!

All the best!

[lisacaron 5,075]

@@Lah15 Good for you for reaching out! Not every spouse would do that for their partner. I could understand where you might even be upset and offended by some of the things you have been going through with your significant other right now.

While she is going through lots of changes, and yes the mood swings are going to be part of it if she is/was an emotional eater and also because the body chemistry is changing. Body fat holds major amounts of hormones and estrogen as you lose that weight the hormone levels in your body are changing as well and if your sensitive to this it can and will affect your mood.

If you can get your partner to recognize this in herself when she follows up with her Dr. she can speak to them about it as well and there might be something they can help with to off set the mood swings in these initial phases for her and for you.

There is help out there and neither of you have to suffer through it, and it sounds like you are both suffering right now. Try to talk to her about speaking to the Dr. about the mood swings, and go from there.

Best of luck, and keep up the great support!!

[JeanZ_RN 378]

I did not have the mood swings that so many on this site have suffered from, and I attribute that to being on Citalopram (Celexa). It is one of the SSRI antidepressants, and it keeps my mood level. I've been on various SSRIs since the early 1990s, and some of my siblings have been on them also.

It may be that even a few months on one of those would help get WLS patients over the worst of the mood disturbances.

The countervailing viewpoint is that we need to feel our feelings and deal with the underlying problems rather than medicating them away. I respect that viewpoint, but for me continuing the meds was the better path.

[par1959 470]

Just another reason for the 85% divorse rate after bariatric surgery.

[snochick2005 172]

Just another reason for the 85% divorse rate after bariatric surgery.

I can't believe that it's 85%. Yes many places say that it increases, but that is usually bc the relationship wasn't healthy to begin with. Many, many people on here have relationships that handle the surgery just fine, mine included.

Your fiancé is going through a tough time. It'll gets easier the further out she is... That still doesn't mean she should be saying hurtful things to you. Talk to her about how your feeling at a time when she's in a normal state of mind (not upset about eating). Explain what you said to us. Try not to blame her bc that'll just make her defensive. Maybe you can have some sort of code word to use when she's upset and becoming hurtful to you, it'll clue her into when you are feeling hurt without extra talking that she could misinterpret.

I would also recommend you talk to her about a therapist or joining a support group after you've been able to successfully talk to her about your situation at least once. If she was understanding about your feelings, she will probably be more receptive to hearing about her needing some extra support from you as well.

I hope you've gotten some info that'll help you on here. Keep coming back with any questions!

[pxinaz 8]

Give it time and give yourself plenty of space. I went through pure hell as the wife of a sleeve patient. He was cruel beyond comprehension, as I shared in my first post last month.

He's better now. Perfect, no, but I can live with this. He's cooperating with his docs, he's following his plan, and he's learning to negotiate a whole new world. He's still angry, but he's moving forward.

It helped me immensely to get out of the house. It helped him, too, because he had to get up and help himself. So go out, even if it's just for coffee and a sweet. I met up with my crochet group and they let me cry...a lot.

Time will help...hang in there.

[LindafromFlorida 1,542]

My husband and I were both sleeved. I definitely have become more emotional. He is sweeter and happier. You can be supportive but don't be her whipping boy. You are welcome here to post anything you do not understand about her surgery and as you can see, we are quick to offer suggestions and opinions. Best wishes.