Still a work in progress

[gowalking 10,790]

The numbers are only part of this journey. I find myself still struggling with body image and self esteem as many others on this forum do.

Was at PT last night and the therapist has been working with me for two years so he knows what I looked like before being banded. I was looking at myself in the mirror while doing my exercises and was not happy with what I saw. My slacks looked baggy and the blouse looked like it was hanging...along with what else was hanging if you get my drift.

I'm just so super critical of myself so I've no idea why, but I suddenly blurt out that I'm only a few pounds from half my starting weight and when he asks how I feel about that, I answer honestly. I tell him that I'm mortified, ashamed, and embarrassed that I got so heavy to begin with.

There's an uncomfortable silence and then he says that he can understand that but I know he doesn't. He's wondering why I'm not thrilled and embracing my new size. See...I am thrilled with my new size and what it enables me to do but I struggle mightily with body image and self esteem same as I did 125+ pounds ago.

I'm working on this with a professional and hope to be able to see what others see when they give me compliments. I just wanted to put it out there because I know I'm not alone and I want you all to know that even with meeting goal, and seeing the numbers keep going down, I'm still very much a work in progress.

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

@@gowalking, I understand this. It's a body blow to me when it hits me how many years I kept my ostrich head in the sand. I found a "before" picture yesterday. Not my highest weight, but a candid picture that someone took of which I was unaware at the time. I was volunteering at an event, and helping traffic move along. The orange vest I had to wear as one of the traffic directors of course did not fit me. On top of that, my facial expression made it look like I was angry. I wasn't, but seeing that picture again reminded me how little I was aware of how I really looked.

Yesterday, my well-meaning boss popped his head up from his cube, and said loudly in front of everyone, "How much weight HAVE you lost?!"

I joked it off, replying, "A leeeetle bit". He replied, again in front of everyone, "Well you really look good. It's especially noticeable after you came back from vacation!"

I know he means well, and his weight goes up and down 20 pounds frequently himself. Also, in our office, there has occasionally been a Biggest Loser contest over the years, before I was hired. They are almost all men, and it's a fun challenge for them.

But lately, more and more people are commenting on my weight-loss at work. I have found myself literally physically dodging certain individuals. I really do not want to discuss the numbers. So I don't. I give a deliberately vague answer when I am flat out questioned about how much.

The reasons for this are complex. But I know that a great deal of the reason is that I am ashamed of how much I have to lose. I don't want to be ashamed, but now that the blinders are off, it is hitting me full on. I can no longer ignore the fact that I was over 300 pounds.

I know that this is something I will struggle with for a long time. I also know that once I achieve goal weight, I still will have to deal with these issues.

I did not get to 302 by having high self-esteem.

Of course I would never change a thing. The smartest thing I ever did was get banded. I know that no matter how hard these emotional hurdles are, this is what I needed to do. I am thrilled with my new body so far, and thrilled with what it can do. I vow to take good care of it for the rest of my life.

But I have no illusions that this is only physical. If I don't get some "WLS" surgery for my brain, I am doomed to go back up the scale.

I'm a little scared, because I think that will be the hardest part of this process.

Thank you for always sharing the reality of what this process is and does. It helps immensely to know that we are not alone.

Edited June 7, 2014 by JustWatchMe

[Shelly2221 126]

I want to tell you that although I totally understand and empathize where your coming from us meaning the outside world sees someone completely different than you do. I look at every post you write and reply to in such awe. Your beautiful, smart and inspiring. I show your before and after picture to my family because I'm so proud of you. And don't worry I live in Israel so you won't meet any of these people. And these people meaning my family see you the same way as I do.

With that being said we spent most of our lives dressing in bigger clothes. Now I'm sure it will take us quite some time to find the right clothes that will fit our new bodies. So I Rochelle send you a big hug and pat on the back from Israel. Without you I wouldn't be so excited for the final result I can't wait for. Your amazing and I'm sure in no time you will feel as beautiful as we all see you. And in the meantime we are all here to listen. Xoxo

[gowalking 10,790]

Thank you Shelly and Justwatchme. Your posts mean so much to me.

[SandyM 1,956]

You are a true inspiration. The body image thing is something I don't think any of us thought about. We expected that our body image was supposed to be "off" while we were overweight, but figured it would improve with wt loss. Don't get me wrong, it feels a lot nicer when I can't find my size cuz I'm smaller, but I'm waiting for the time when my wt plays no favor in my lifestyle at all.

[enjoythetime 1,457]

@@gowalking you're an amazing lady and have been a huge inspiration to me through my journey! I can completely identify with where you're coming from! I pick myself apart daily, in fact yesterday I was going through the what is out of place list to my husband and he looked at me and simply said enjoy today and where you are RIGHT NOW. Remember where you were a year ago and be thankful and proud of how far you've come and you know what, he's right! No one regardless of their size is 100% happy with every part of their body, even the fittest, have problem area's. It's hard to move past this but at the same time we worked our butts off to be where we are today, so we need to enjoy it, if we don't what did we do all of this for? The things that are a little out of place can be fixed if it's really that important to us:-) ((hugs))