Banders #6

[lisacaron 5,075]

@@gowalking Hey tuckster! you look great! No questions about it!!

@@dylanmiles23 hope everything goes well for you!!!

I have appointment with the trainer tonight at the gym...after the hour Saturday and Monday...not sure what body parts there are left to "work on" that don't already hurt!! Maybe my nose...one eye push ups? Cause that's about what I have open

[gowalking 10,790]

Spent the whole hour with the therapist last night talking about body image, control issues, 'mindful eating', etc. I have a long way to go yet. We talked about worst case scenario and what would happen if I went off the rails for a day and ate mindlessly and it scared me so bad that we stopped talking about it. She said I wasn't ready yet.

I'm so frightened that I will lose control and get fat again. I talked about how the food and the eating of it made me forget my pain and self loathing for those few moments but then I'd just feel worse because I lost control and just made my situation worse.

The device or surgery is truly just a piece of this process for me. I have no choice but to delve into my psyche to get to the root causes and have things in place to help keep me in control of this addiction.

I really feel like I'm taking two steps forward and one step back. Not in terms of my weight, but my overall progress in beating this thing.

[Bandista 7,466]

Liz, you are doing all the work to be truly whole and healthy.....I can identify with everything you are saying. I did it once, could it happen again? Maybe it's about trust. Do I trust myself, trust my band, but also do I trust whatever unknowns there are in the future....for me that's the hard part. Life today, now, is great. Maybe that's all I get, the old one day at a time thing....also I really am getting it that tamping down my feelings with food, bracing myself with food, anchoring myself with food, rewarding myself with food not only didnt work but wasn't needed because life "out here" is fine. I am safe and happy and it's all manageable. For that, however, I need to constantly remind myself.

[lisacaron 5,075]

@@gowalking Two steps forward one step back, step to the side cross one foot in front of the other and spin. Honey you are dancing!!!

That's what life is all about my friend! Dancing with yourself, dancing around yourself and hearing that song in your heart and your head.

food and body fat kept us from dancing, and making music. Now I toot so much more then I did before! Oh wait off topic.

Liz you have got the Samba down, and your making many of us look like we have two left feet. Your doing great, and what's more your taking the time and perfecting your steps. Just don't forget to hum that happy tune every now again as you count the steps and soon you will hear nothing but the tune and your feet/body will just move in time.

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

I had a session with my divorce therapist last night. I see her monthly now. When I came home hungry for dinner, I was able to effortlessly stop eating a very delicious food when I felt the stop signal. Truly no effort. I realized in that moment that the therapy session met my emotional needs yesterday, so food didn't have to. Without the band I wouldn't have gotten a stop signal and would have eaten all the food in front of me.

Complacency is my enemy. Well, one of my enemies. Service to others is a sure fire way to stave off complacency. Staying involved with other overeaters and WLS patients, both here and in my 12 step meetings, gives me focus outside of my own sometimes addled brain. My thinking is not always reliable. Sharing the good I've been given helps others and helps me by snapping me out of my destructive patterns.

My session last night was about how I slide into fear mode in reaction to my husband's behavior or anticipated behavior. Did you get that? Anticipated behavior. I'm living/reacting/stressing over/in dread of what I'm guessing his next move is going to be. She asked me how long I've operated this way. Decades. I broke down and cried for the lost years of self and the lost years of growing as a person. Why was I content to be bullied and why was I content to accept a life that was so unsatisfying? Why was it enough to have food instead of a full life?

It made me so profoundly sad to look at my behavior objectively, as an outsider does, as my therapist does. She kept drawing my attention to the fear reaction I was exhibiting. She pointed out that it's not necessary anymore. I'm not in the house with him anymore. My girls aren't either. But like Pavlov's dog, I still drool when the bell rings.

All I know is that recovery from overeating and self destructive behavior is multifaceted. The band puts a physical stop signal in place for me and dims physical hunger appropriately. But woe is me if I think that's all I need.

The issues beneath the eating are like an onion being peeled. This isn't news to any of us. We know "it's not what we are eating, it's what's eating us". But hearing it and nodding "yes" doesn't mean we've worked through it. I actually have to work through this stuff. I actually have to talk this over with a professional, understand what I've been doing and how it doesn't serve me, come up with better coping habits, and then do them.

I've felt a certain way about myself most of my life. Many of those messages were wrong. F-ed up. They need to be undone and it's not as simple as sticking an affirmation on a mirror. It's daily work to replace the messages with new messages and new actions that reinforce the messages. It's work. It's hard. It's scary. I cried last night because I couldn't understand why I valued myself so little for so long. I look at my beautiful, strong daughters and think, if they ever treated themselves the way I treated myself, it would kill me. I can see their beauty, their goodness, their worth. Why can't I see mine?

I think that as long as I stay on the path of recovery in all its forms I will not relapse. Part of that path for me is therapy and part is OA and CODA. With the 12-step programs I have the opportunity for service to others which keeps me working in a positive direction. That can be as simple as leading a meeting, or even just showing up faithfully.

I see you ladies here leading BariatricPal support group meetings in your area. Same effect. Just like sharing here on the boards and keeping it real. An OA sponsor from years ago used to talk about the folks who would come into meetings and share their "happy hor$e$hit" for a few weeks, then disappear and you'd never hear from them again. Don't get me wrong. The uplifting posts are crucial and I do my share of them. But the real, raw stuff I share and read here is equally, if not more, necessary to my recovery.

At some level a year ago when I started the WLS process, I knew this would exhaust every molecule of my being. And it wouldn't have an ending date. Because of the escalating emotional abuse turned toward my kids, I finally became ready for it. I'm sad I couldn't become ready for myself, but I did become ready. It's just as hard and raw and painful as I expected. But it's authentic. It's real. It's not the fake plastic life I lived before, under hundreds of pounds of self hate. It's all being stripped away and I can't stop now. I won't.

[lisacaron 5,075]

@@JustWatchMe Thank you for sharing your story with us!! You are 100% right, making changes to our selves is never EVER easy or simple.

Truth and honesty seem like such wonderful words don't they? Such great concepts...but you know those simple words are tantamount to untold feats of strength courage and conviction! Not many people can cope with being honest and truthful especially not to themselves. Most would rather live the lie then face the truth which can be very painful and yeah it can leave you raw.

I will say this for truth and honesty when you start to live your life authentically you realize that there will never be any other way for you to be.

I have oodles of compassion, empathy and admiration for you my friends. Life is not easy, but it's worth the effort and I thank you for sharing your journey with me!

[dylanmiles23 2,198]

I had a session with my divorce therapist last night. I see her monthly now. When I came home hungry for dinner, I was able to effortlessly stop eating a very delicious food when I felt the stop signal. Truly no effort. I realized in that moment that the therapy session met my emotional needs yesterday, so food didn't have to. Without the band I wouldn't have gotten a stop signal and would have eaten all the food in front of me.

Complacency is my enemy. Well, one of my enemies. Service to others is a sure fire way to stave off complacency. Staying involved with other overeaters and WLS patients, both here and in my 12 step meetings, gives me focus outside of my own sometimes addled brain. My thinking is not always reliable. Sharing the good I've been given helps others and helps me by snapping me out of my destructive patterns.

My session last night was about how I slide into fear mode in reaction to my husband's behavior or anticipated behavior. Did you get that? Anticipated behavior. I'm living/reacting/stressing over/in dread of what I'm guessing his next move is going to be. She asked me how long I've operated this way. Decades. I broke down and cried for the lost years of self and the lost years of growing as a person. Why was I content to be bullied and why was I content to accept a life that was so unsatisfying? Why was it enough to have food instead of a full life?

It made me so profoundly sad to look at my behavior objectively, as an outsider does, as my therapist does. She kept drawing my attention to the fear reaction I was exhibiting. She pointed out that it's not necessary anymore. I'm not in the house with him anymore. My girls aren't either. But like Pavlov's dog, I still drool when the bell rings.

All I know is that recovery from overeating and self destructive behavior is multifaceted. The band puts a physical stop signal in place for me and dims physical hunger appropriately. But woe is me if I think that's all I need.

The issues beneath the eating are like an onion being peeled. This isn't news to any of us. We know "it's not what we are eating, it's what's eating us". But hearing it and nodding "yes" doesn't mean we've worked through it. I actually have to work through this stuff. I actually have to talk this over with a professional, understand what I've been doing and how it doesn't serve me, come up with better coping habits, and then do them.

I've felt a certain way about myself most of my life. Many of those messages were wrong. F-ed up. They need to be undone and it's not as simple as sticking an affirmation on a mirror. It's daily work to replace the messages with new messages and new actions that reinforce the messages. It's work. It's hard. It's scary. I cried last night because I couldn't understand why I valued myself so little for so long. I look at my beautiful, strong daughters and think, if they ever treated themselves the way I treated myself, it would kill me. I can see their beauty, their goodness, their worth. Why can't I see mine?

I think that as long as I stay on the path of recovery in all its forms I will not relapse. Part of that path for me is therapy and part is OA and CODA. With the 12-step programs I have the opportunity for service to others which keeps me working in a positive direction. That can be as simple as leading a meeting, or even just showing up faithfully.

I see you ladies here leading BariatricPal support group meetings in your area. Same effect. Just like sharing here on the boards and keeping it real. An OA sponsor from years ago used to talk about the folks who would come into meetings and share their "happy hor$e$hit" for a few weeks, then disappear and you'd never hear from them again. Don't get me wrong. The uplifting posts are crucial and I do my share of them. But the real, raw stuff I share and read here is equally, if not more, necessary to my recovery.

At some level a year ago when I started the WLS process, I knew this would exhaust every molecule of my being. And it wouldn't have an ending date. Because of the escalating emotional abuse turned toward my kids, I finally became ready for it. I'm sad I couldn't become ready for myself, but I did become ready. It's just as hard and raw and painful as I expected. But it's authentic. It's real. It's not the fake plastic life I lived before, under hundreds of pounds of self hate. It's all being stripped away and I can't stop now. I won't.

Very nice of you to share your session with us. Thank you. About OA. I have gone in the past a few times. I was given a list of sponsors and when I would call for help, none of them belonged or cared to help. Made me not stay. Sad.

I always ate because I was bored especially after dinner while watching tv. I still sometimes eat but not like before. While dining out, OMG! could I eat and eat. I love bread, still do but only in restaurants and then the crusty parts.

I think we are all great for each other. I have seen therapists in the past but they have all been young and they leave after you get comfortable with them. So I don't talk to anyone about my problems.

Everyone enjoy your evening and again everyone thanks for sharing.

Arlene

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

Just checking in with my peeps. More divorce crapola today, but nothing that my band and I can't handle! Lol.

It's been pretty easy for me to eat well this week. Not sure exactly why, but I will take it.

I have planned a weekend chock full of activities with friends, from Friday through to Monday. Friday Ladies' lunch with coworkers. I started that tradition six months ago and it's been awesome. Friday night out for rock band music and drinks with my bestie. Saturday watching huskies pull dogsleds at the local arboretum. How cool is that? Saturday evening having a fancy schmancy late Christmas dinner at the Hancock downtown with a dear friend (plan to wear a dress if I get some pretty shoes tonight). Sunday afternoon walking dogs with some new friends. A dog play date actually.

This is my life today. Filled with people and everyday joys. I am blessed.

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

Minor change in plans. No rock band tonight. I'm still not up to speed after my minor surgery last week. Still taking it easy after work every night. I started my day today with plain yogurt mixed with 1/4 cup of Bare Naked granola with honey and almonds. Where has this been all my life? Yum! Have a good Friday, Bandsters!

[gowalking 10,790]

Hi friends. Enjoying a lazy morning as the weather is rather sloppy here in the Big Apple. Going out with friends tonight and really looking forward to it. Brunch with my family tomorrow afternoon and a date on Superbowl Sunday. I think we're going to see American Sniper. The only negative in all this is that I'm having an inflammatory flare and had to get a shot in the back yesterday. Dr. says this will happen from time to time. It's just part and parcel of my joint disease/auti-immune ailment. It's probably not terrible to have some negatives in all the positives. Keeps me humble and sympathetic to others who have trouble or difficulties in their lives.

Just wanted to let you know that I went shopping at Lord and Taylor on Thursday evening looking for 3/4 and long sleeve dresses for work. Saw they were having sales and since my weight is stable now, I wanted to get more of the 'better' dresses. The saleswoman was very helpful like in the old days and brought me different sizes and options while I waited in the dressing room. She suggested separates which I never really wore before and I must admit, I put on a couple of basic dresses with matching jackets and I was blown away by how 'professional' I looked. People at work will think I'm a vendor coming in for a bid defense because of how I'm dressed. Most of my coworkers wear basic slacks and tops....which is typical of a suburban office. I have to admit, I like looking better than the other women. I know it's vanity but I don't care. It's about time I can feel vain.

Oh...and one more thing. The clothes were Tahari and Anne Klein...and to my amazement, the dresses were size 8 and the jackets sizes 6 and even one in a 4. I've never worn a 4...not in my whole life.

Have a great day everyone.

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

This is the dress I ended up with for tonight's dinner at the 95th. I had a much fancier one but it was too big! So in a panic I ran to Target today and got this sleeveless dress for $27.99 and topped it off with a black sweater from my skinny daughter's closet! The heels are new and a size too big so they don't hurt my goofy feet. People, I have not worn a dress in 15 years. This is truly an NSV!

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

My girls said the sweater looks better than the jacket from the fancy dress.

Look at me, taking fashion advice from my kids!

Edited January 24, 2015 by JustWatchMe

[Debbie3sons 1,936]

@ justwatchme you sexy thang looking good.

[Debbie3sons 1,936]

I like the Jacket better but that's just me & my opinion.

[gowalking 10,790]

ImageUploadedByBariatricPal1422139155.176180.jpg

This is the dress I ended up with for tonight's dinner at the 95th. I had a much fancier one but it was too big! So in a panic I ran to Target today and got this sleeveless dress for $27.99 and topped it off with a black sweater from my skinny daughter's closet! The heels are new and a size too big so they don't hurt my goofy feet. People, I have not worn a dress in 15 years. This is truly an NSV!

You look great! So happy for you. Isn't it wonderful to feel good in clothes..and not just relieved that it fits?