Problems Recieving Positive Attention

[KissMeKate517 9]

Wondered if anyone else has a similar problem...

I think one of the many reasons I have struggled with weight my entire life is that I have never been good at receiving positive attention. It makes me more self conscious.

It stems mostly, I think, from the fact that when I was a child I had an Uncle who grossly paid unwanted attention to me. Sexual harassment, I guess. Maybe even considered molestation. I think even then, I thought that if I made myself unattractive by gaining weight, he wouldn't be so interested. That was true, but then he would make fun of me. But it was a viscous cycle...lose the weight and gain sexual advances, gain more weight and with it-- insults and criticism. I saw him almost every weekend and sometimes weeks at a time vacationing with my family. The cycle repeated itself through my entire adolescence and teen years.

Later in life, this has translated to feeling almost grossed out if a guy hits on me. I should be flattered, but I'm not. I'm not sure how to react. It feels...uncomfortable. Even when the remark isn't lewd. I'm married now and this doesn't apply to my husband or even my guy friends, because I feel safe with them. Even when compliments are paid by fellow women I am not sure how to receive them.

Of course, there is a part of me that loves being complimented, and wants to be the beautiful girl in the room...but being overweight maybe prevented some of the potential remarks people could have made from happening... I guess I am not sure how I will handle the additional attention that may come after slimming down and looking even better.

I am much more confident now. I have come to love myself despite (or maybe even in spite of) my weight--but I am afraid of continuing to use my weight to avoid drawing extra attention.

Does this problem resonate with anyone else? Any advice? How do you handle it?

[WhoKnows 288]

What your uncle did was horrible, and I hope surgery will be healing for you. Will you be in therapy during your weight loss process to help you cope with your new body and the new way it will force you to relate to the world? If it's something you can manage, it might not be a bad idea.

Although I'm not a survivor of sexual abuse, I can relate to not knowing how to accept male attention. In fact street harassment is one of the few things I'm really worried about regarding life after weight loss. I get some now, but not as much as I know I'll get when I'm smaller, even though I live in a country where it's not as big a problem as others.

Truthfully though, I'm not a particularly feminine woman. I wear dresses and skirts everyday now because they're comfy and stretchy and relatively flattering and fashionable, but once I drop down to a 12/14 I think I'll be presenting much more masculinely (get a short haircut, wear menswear inspired looks, etc). Not just to stave off street harassment, I genuinely am something of a tomboy, but I'm hoping a reduction in street harassment will be a bonus.

[leeann71 539]

I have and am in your shoes. I have learned to either ignore it when it comes from unwanted attention. I have also learned to take a step back and breathe when it comes from family, friends and kind strangers " not the people who are making lewd or sexual comments". Keep your head high and be proud of the accomplishments that you are doing for yourself and family. Don't let unwanted attention bring you down . There will always be a$$ holes out there who get their rocks off by saying $hit to women. When you get enough confidence up maybe you can turn it on them and watch them squirm, give them a dose of their own medicine!

[Bandista 7,466]

I'm so sorry for what you went through in your childhood. I also had an uncle who was very physical and inappropriate without crossing the line of true abuse -- tickling that was like torture, however, and unwanted attention. Now that I'm getting my shape back I am finding it difficult to receive comments graciously, even from those who love me however I am. I think it's about being shy and wanting to have my weight loss be private -- people who don't know about my band are noticing now that I've dropped quite a bit and I'm looking and feeling so much better, dressing more confidently in interesting clothes, a little makeup, etc. Wen people ask how much I've lost I simply don't answer but deflect with, "oh, I still feel like I have a ways to go" or some such. I always emphasize that I'm exercising a lot, which I am. And I was a dieter so long that even though I don't consider myself on a diet now that explains the smaller amounts I'm eating and the choices not to have certain things. One neighbor exclaimed she thinks I'm starving myself. Well, I'm not. And I just gently change the subject away from me. I'm thinking I'd like to take some dance classes -- that was always very self image affirming for me in the old days, a way to feel good in my body, empowered. I'm liking my body again and feeling connected -- when I gained so much I felt like it had betrayed me somehow but now that connection is back. I'm in my body and liking that it's healthy and happy, and sexy, too.

[Teachamy 1,042]

I can certainly understand why you wouldn't want attention for appearance. Your uncle did some horrible things to you in your formative years and as one poster suggested, continued body-image therapy might be very helpful as you go through this transition.

As a child I was lucky. I was always told by my mom and dad that I was beautiful. But I haven't felt that way in at least 10 years. My obesity was shameful to me, and I began to worry how others viewed me. Now that I have lost most of the weight, I actually like people to comment on my appearance because it is an ego boost. My formative years taught me to appreciate attention for my appearance. Yours taught you to hide. It makes complete sense to me. I hope you can find some peace within yourself with WLS.

[betty_s 476]

I cant relate, personally, but when I was talking with my therapist and she was trying to figure out where my weight stemmed from, she told me this story:

She had a gastric bypass patient that came in and did amazing with her weight loss. As she kept losing weight, she had more and more anxiety attacks, something she had never dealt with when she was heavy. Finally she started having flashbacks of being a very young child and getting molested by a family member. The therapist concluded that she probably put on the weight as a security blanket to stop the molestation. It really is crazy what our minds can block out.

I think maybe you should try talking to therapist. You've worked hard for your weight loss and you deserve to enjoy it!

[Travelmego 235]

Just have a few standby lines to ward off advances. "I'm so flattered, but I am married." Then change the subject to someone innocuous: "Boy, it's supposed to rain AGAIN, can you believe it?" Yea, I know - we feel we should not be flattered when someone makes an advance on you - "What am I, a cheap hooker?" but in reality the person might have had to work up the courage to approach you. One can let someone down while still being kind, right? Just get a few lines like this and you won't feel awkward. If you are not seeing anyone and you don't want to lie, "I'm so flattered, but I am not available.(smile, pause).... Boy, it's supposed to rain AGAIN, can you believe it?"

I don't think street harassment is a big problem in the USA but in some locations overseas it definitely is. Wear sunglasses and headphones (not turned on) and be aware of your surroundings.

Edited May 28, 2014 by Travelmego

[KissMeKate517 9]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I haven't had very positive experiences with therapists...this is just something I project I may have a problem with down the road. I haven't really yet (except in my childhood). I am obviously not glad to know some of you have been in similar situations as me, but it is comforting to know that I am not alone in my feelings.

If I do discover it becomes a problem I certainly will seek help because it is certainly working through so I can stay healthy and be more active!