Recently Lost a Best Friend Because of My Decision to Get Bariatric Surgery

[Tigermouse74 22]

I think the pure number of responses to this post says it all!!!

Don't think you have till you're 60+ to die from obesity related illnesses. My mother passed at 54yrs old my grandfather and uncle both at 60 and my brother on his 31st birthday! All from heart. We cant afford to wait for other people to get their heads around this LIFE SAVING surgery. She might understand it all later on, but till then you really don't need her negativity and almost bullying attitude around you.

[sandDuneHill 19]

Omg. I guess this is how some people really feel but Wow! The post is all about her. Her issues are not your issues. I don't believe it's healthy to be morbidly obese. So what if you want to be thin? Is that so wrong? I'm assuming this person is young and has few life experiences. We all battle with weight and body issues. Reality it is Not healthy to be overweight. She has way more issues. I lost a friend when I wanted to go into plus size modeling. She rambled garbage about society and women's bodies. Real friends support each other.

[SBell35 19]

This thread is why I feel so lucky to have found this website. It hurt so much seeing so much anger in your former friend's blog and list. The responses and support and positivity helps to soothe the anger and teach pitty (for lack of a better word) for the people that refuse to try to educate themselves.

In my earlier years I was that 'fat acceptance' crusader. Then I started to have health problems. I swept it under the rug as genetics for waaaaaaaay to long. Well, genetics it may be but that doesnt change the fact that I need to lose the weight and get healthy so I can live past my 40th birthday.

I'm so sorry that your former friend was so horrible to you. You are making great changes in your life and maybe one of the life lessons you needed to learn was who is going to be there to support you 100% through your journey. It may hurt now but getting rid of that kind of friend will help you so much in the long run.

I wish you so much success in your journey and hope that you find the 'sherpas' you need to keep you climbing up that mountain.

[Travelmego 235]

I agree with the person that said she is meeting her own fears in this issue. However, there seem to be other issues regarding the quality of her friendship aside from just her disagreeing with WLS.

Specifically, why did she announce your surgery to the world? She didn't mention your name but I am sure many people that know her know who her 'best friend' is. What kind of 'best friend' would broadcast your private business like that?

It is hard to lose a 'friend' but often the relationships are unequal. Sometimes, something happens that highlights the inequity. I am assuming you showed her plenty of support through all of her issues. Now, when you need the favor returned, she makes it all about her.

As painful as it is to realize, I am betting you have been her supportive, 'narcissistic fix' all along. I am also betting that she has been a pretty domineering friend, and you realized this at some deeper level. That is why it took months for you to tell her about it. You were already trying to get out from under her controlling ways.

Perhaps you can write her a letter summarizing the points you agree with from the posts above. I would suggest NOT writing a letter trying to make her see reason in an effort to salvage the friendship. That just feeds her narcissistic need. Don't expect nor even hope for a response from her - that just continues the negative drama.

Rather, state your points on why you are getting surgery (in a firm, non-compromising tone) and close with something like - "Even though our friendship is at a crossroads and we both are choosing to go in different directions, I do wish you well in your life and your struggles. I have good memories of the time we shared. Take care."

That way you feel you have closure and have said what you want to get off your chest. At the same time, It allows for an amicable parting so she doesn't go on some loony vendetta.

Edited May 28, 2014 by Travelmego

[Ginger Snaps 1,323]

@@moonlitestarbrite --- thanks for reminding me that at 48, according to pop culture, we are dead.

[moonlitestarbrite 902]

@@moonlitestarbrite --- thanks for reminding me that at 48, according to pop culture, we are dead.

almost! lol

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

Ya know something. I'm gonna say it as I see it.

I read that diatribe and actually burst out laughing. And I've had a Migraine today, so laughing hurts!

I don't want in any way to belittle or demean the devastation you must be feeling. Losing friends who you have been close to is never easy..

But really... That chick is so self absorbed, she'd give Pampers a run for their money!

'That's enough about me... more about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee'

Walk your path. Alone if you have to (well, you won't be alone, because you have all us nutters on here to keep you annoyed/happy/laughing/pepped-up/ delete as appropriate)

It's going to be tough, but you WILL rise like a Phoenix.

She, will be left in the corner on her own, fighting her demons, still trying to convince herself that her way is the right way...

Much love, darlin' x

[gowalking 10,790]

Hey Sharon.....look at all the new friends you've made. I hope the support you are seeing on this forum helps to soften the blow. Wishing you nothing but great success!

[Susysleever 265]

She doesnt get medically necessary from vanity. This ain't no facelift mama

[sleeversue 93]

susysleever love your response, no face lift indeed.. self-esteem, health, and wellness lift instead!

Edited May 28, 2014 by sleeversue

[Susysleever 265]

But we'll get the face lift with the Tummy Tuck later. Ssshhh;-)

[Slimk 23]

Looks like you have already took the right step in loosing weight........meaning dead weight!! Good riddance to this controlling "friend"!! You will never regret this decision and look at all these new, supportive friends you have on here! Wishing you the best of luck!

Edited May 29, 2014 by Slimk

[Georgia T 6]

With "friends " like her who needs enemies. Wish her luck in her journey because she clearly is fighting her own demons. As for you - Bravo!!! I am sure you've tried many other methods and made an educated decision to get control of your life. All replies above are fantastic & true! And if you haven't figured out yet - you have a whole new group of friends here who will support you unconditionally - applaud your victories & be the rock you can lean on when you reach out for help. Good luck on your path towards success!!

[kimba6999 125]

One of my best friends recently found out that I'm in the process of getting bariatric surgery and is vehemently opposed to it. I have to do 6 months of medically supervised weight loss, and I'm hoping to get the surgery in October. She wrote about me on her blog AND emailed me a list of 10 reasons why I should not get the surgery. She calls it "cosmetic" surgery. She no longer wants to be friends with me, and I hate that I'm losing her friendship, but I'm doing this for my health, well-being, and quality of life, NOT to become thin. I have many health problems including obstructive sleep apnea, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, back pain, knee pain, hypothyroidism, prediabetes, fatty liver, etc that I want to get rid of. I also have a family history of stroke, heart disease, and diabetes, which I want to prevent. Those are my reasons for getting the surgery, NOT cosmetic. I know I'm much better off without her negativity, but it's still painful losing a close friend. I've been pretty depressed lately because of this loss.

Here is everything she wrote:

My heart is heavy today and has been since Saturday when my best friend dropped the bomb that she's getting weight loss surgery. The betrayal, hurt, and anger that I've felt since then is mind boggling. Since becoming involved with fat acceptance I've cut body negative people out of my life. I've surrounded myself with people who are positive and work hard for a wide variety of human and animal rights issues. In other words, good people. Positive people. People who make a difference in the world. So my world was rocked when my best friend, after hiding it from me for months, told me that she was getting cosmetic surgery to become thinner.

My friend is the captain of her own underpants and she can get cosmetic surgery if she wants to, of course, but I'm captain of my own underpants as well and I have the right to cut out people who compromise my mental or physical well being. Having gone through a decade long eating disorder where I was constantly praised for starving myself, over exercising, and abusing diet pills, I can't watch someone I care about put themselves through a medically induced eating disorder.

I look forward to the day when weight loss surgery is banned as medically unnecessary, dangerous, and bigoted. Weight loss cosmetic surgery represents the extremes that our society will go to to eradicate fat people. For all of the horror that a person feels when they see a very thin person with an ED, it doesn't seem to hold true for fat people with ED's. While I have a lot of personal experience with that, this experience seems to hit closer to home Perhaps because my friend was involved in the fat acceptance community. I thought better of her. Not brainwashed by society's standards.

Internalized fatphobia is a horrible thing.

The bottom line is that we applaud fat people for doing dangerous, irresponsible, unethical, things that put our lives on the line in the name of thinness. But how would the world react if the opposite were true? If thin people literally risked their lives to become fat because they thought it looked prettier? I have a feeling I know the answer.

So, I suppose I've finally experienced a personal casualty in the War On Fat. During my own struggles I came close to losing my life, but this somehow feels so much worse.

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ten reasons why you're perfect the way you are and you don't need cosmetic surgery.

1. you're beautiful the way you are: cosmetic surgery can change how you look,but it doesn't change who you are.

2. cosmetic surgery won't fix your self esteem: too many people have thought that it would, but losing weight and looking different won't automatically make you feel better about yourself. you need to do that from the inside and you can do that at any weight.

3. you can be healthy at any size- you have to change your behaviors, not your appearance. currently you don't eat well or exercise and if you lose weight but still don't change those behaviors then you're still going to have issues. Remember that studies show that health problems initially go away during weight loss but very often return because weight does not equal health.

4. this particular type of cosmetic surgery is dangerous. The sleeve is less dangerous than some other methods, but they're all dangerous. There's a laundry list of side effects that i'm sure you've seen, including death. is it really worth it just to look more socially acceptable?

5. you're making a statement: when a fat person decides that being thin is better than being fat and actively tries to change their bodies it makes a statement about all fat people and it makes a social statement. and that is that being thin is better than being fat.

6. people already love you just the way you are: this needs little explanation.. people already care about you, you have no problem finding dates or hook ups. your life isn't hindered by anything except your lack of confidence which won't be fixed by cosmetic surgery.

7. body hate poisons you: work on loving yourself instead of blaming your body

8. your body works hard for you- why abuse it? I apologized to my body a long time ago for the eating disorder I put it through, for the self injury I put it through, for the abuse I put it through. No body should be treated that way. you're willing to mutilate your lovely body and put it through a medically induced eating disorder. why do you feel it deserves that kind of hatred and abuse?

9. it's fatphobic: you know enough about fat acceptance and body politics for me not to need to go into too much detail here. It's related to number 5- you're becoming part of a society that favors thin people over fat people and giving it your seal of approval. that society is not only fatphobic but misogynistic and classist as well. You're choosing to stop fighting against that and to give into it instead.

10. You'll be losing a friend: Because I find WLS to be completely unethical and because I struggled with my own eating disorder for ten years, I can't watch someone purposefully do that to themselves. The body hate, the negativity, and the triggers are just too much for me. Maybe that's not even close to enough to keep you from doing this surgery, but at least I can say I tried. You know that body hate and intentional weight loss go against everything that I stand for. I can't just sit by and watch it happen to someone I care about. I can't do it and I won't. So, while it's your body and your choice, realize that that choice comes with consequences. I'm also allowed to make my own choices for my own mental well being. Literally every time I talked to your or hung out with you it would be heartbreaking and triggering. Friendships shouldn't be a negative experience which is why I would have to end this one.

Wow! I couldnt quit reading that cuz i couldnt believe how ridiculous she is. She is definitely not ur friend if she isnt willing to stand by u even if she doesnt agree with ur choice. Having been through this trust me when i say it is not cosmetic surgery! It is a major surgery and changes everything for you. I started at 356 and i know i will never be "thin". I just want to be healthy. I am sorry but u cannot be fat and healthy. Contrary to her point! If u were eating healthy and exercising you would never be fat! Thats a joke in and of itself! True that in order to change yourself you needto work on the inside as much as the outside. I have been in counseling. Obviously we all got this way for one reason or another and if we dont work on changing it we will just end up right back where we are now. She is just jot informed. I am not in an eating disorder. What i was doing to my body before was an eating disorder. I eat a very healthy diet and dont starve mysepf in the least. I eat a high Protein diet and still eat my fruits and vegetables every day. You tell me how im starving myself. I eat better than most everybody i know and ive motivated my friends that are also overweight to start getting healthier. I know you will miss your friend but she is a joke and you dont need that in your life. The funny thing is, i thought at 356 i was fairly healthy too. I dodnt have health problems so i thoght and i went to the gym 2-3 a week but my eating sure wasnt healthy. I was 356lbs for goodness sakes. I couldnt walk any significant distance. I surely couldnt walk up and down stairs. I could enjoy playing with my kids, or riding rides at an amusemennt park, i couldnt ride on an airplane without paying for 2 seats, nd so much more so you tell me how happy i was or any of us are when life keeps living around you and you sit and make stupid excuses for how you are. She is full of it. Just because she is happy being fat and morbidly obese im sure doesnt mean you have to be. I am behind you 150% on doing this to be healthy. Like i said, i will never be thin but i want to be healthy! Good luck to yoh and dont let anyone sway you from your desire.

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

Emotionally controlling, emotionally abusive. We need to get toxic people out of our lives.