Recently Lost a Best Friend Because of My Decision to Get Bariatric Surgery

[AllieBB 7]

Friends can have different opinions. Friends don't abandon each other but seek to understand their differences. Your reasons for seeking surgery to save your life and your health are sound ones. Believe in yourself, your doctors and supporters who have your best interests to heart. If your friend was/is your friend she will support you in your endeavors and love you through it. It is your life to live so live it well !!!

[plopez 77]

At the risk of sounding a bit brash...f**k your "friend". She sounds as if she's dealing with her own "fat acceptance" issues. You don't need those kind of people in your life. She's selfish. She created a whole blog post about YOUR surgery and made it about HER feelings. She doesn't care about you. She was never a friend. Cut that dead weight loose now. You'll feel much lighter when you do.

I totally agree

That made me so mad

It's not a cosmetic surgery but even if it was.... It's your body and life

I want to be healthy and YES I WANT TO LOOK GOOD ALSO

There is nothing wrong with that

She wants to drag you down in her self pity.

Ok sorry lol

Do this for you and your happiness

[woo woo 872]

This is 1000% about her and has literally nothing to do with you. She has serious issues. Don't even sweat it.

[Kissifur 244]

I read the blog and the comments online and sadly you are NOT losing a best friend, she is. She listed a lot of qualities about you that I would love to have in a friend and would not give up so easily but stand by and support through thick and thin (no pun intended) and if losing you is worth it that's her loss not yours. She has made your journey about her. She has made a decision to put herself first, now you do the same with or without the surgery.

[mlm28 27]

Sorry Sharon but I have to say you didn't lose a best friend because you didn't have one..the way she speaks it doesn't sound like a best friend..better without friends than with this type of friends...look after yourself, good luck

[mlm28 27]

One of my favorite quotes...

“Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

Good luck...you're in for one heck of a journey!

1000 likes!!!!!!

[Ginger Snaps 1,323]

Wow and Wow... unbelievable post.

I could say hundreds of things like that agree with the previous posters but just two:

1) I'm sorry you feel loss over the friendship. Sometimes friends disagree but true friends want the best for each other. I have a friend who is not happy about my WLS -- she feels like I could try other things more natural -- but she is 100% supportive of ME. She supports ME losing weight and gaining health and she knows I am intelligent and have thought through this decision. Therefore, she is supportive of ME and whatever I feel is best to do. That's a friend.

2) Your "friend's" quote "You know that body hate and intentional weight loss go against everything that I stand for." She's against intentional weight loss? Just because you get to a certain weight in life you have to maintain that weight forever? It's wrong to try to lose weight? That's just craziness. Is she against dying your hair if you don't want to be gray? Is she against wearing makeup to look nice? Obesity can KILL you -- what is to be gained by NOT trying to lose weight if you're obese?

I'm really sorry you are suffering. You can recover and gain health... just build a support system around you that supports your health.

best wishes

[Sharpie 3,306]

honey she has more problems than you know. sounds like she needs some psychological help. nobody wants to be unhealthy . If you have a friend who is so hung up on her own body issues and doesn't consider your feelings you need to kick her to the curb. She will be very unhealthy one day and might have to do something drastic to help herself. Her theory is so ignorant and frankly insulting to anyone with half of a brain. You proceed with your best foot forward and don't look back at her negative crap.

[kelfl 7]

Your friend can not be a true friend until she accepts that (1) for you this could be the different between living a long healthy life or dieing fat/sick. (2) she can be fat and happy but that is her life not yours. You have right to live and be loved by people who walk with you down this positive road. Sometimes we out run our friends.

[kelfl 7]

This is a great place to make additional friends.

Edited May 26, 2014 by kelfl

[shmily 424]

One of my best friends recently found out that I'm in the process of getting bariatric surgery and is vehemently opposed to it. I have to do 6 months of medically supervised weight loss, and I'm hoping to get the surgery in October. She wrote about me on her blog emailed me a list of 10 reasons why I should not get the surgery. She calls it "cosmetic" surgery. She no longer wants to be friends with me, and I hate that I'm losing her friendship, but I'm doing this for my health, well-being, and quality of life, NOT to become thin. I have many health problems including obstructive sleep apnea, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, back pain, knee pain, hypothyroidism, prediabetes, fatty liver, etc that I want to get rid of. I also have a family history of stroke, heart disease, and diabetes, which I want to prevent. Those are my reasons for getting the surgery, NOT cosmetic. I know I'm much better off without her negativity, but it's still painful losing a close friend. I've been pretty depressed lately because of this loss.

Here is everything she wrote:

My heart is heavy today and has been since Saturday when my best friend dropped the bomb that she's getting weight loss surgery. The betrayal, hurt, and anger that I've felt since then is mind boggling. Since becoming involved with fat acceptance I've cut body negative people out of my life. I've surrounded myself with people who are positive and work hard for a wide variety of human and animal rights issues. In other words, good people. Positive people. People who make a difference in the world. So my world was rocked when my best friend, after hiding it from me for months, told me that she was getting cosmetic surgery to become thinner.

My friend is the captain of her own underpants and she can get cosmetic surgery if she wants to, of course, but I'm captain of my own underpants as well and I have the right to cut out people who compromise my mental or physical well being. Having gone through a decade long eating disorder where I was constantly praised for starving myself, over exercising, and abusing diet pills, I can't watch someone I care about put themselves through a medically induced eating disorder.

I look forward to the day when weight loss surgery is banned as medically unnecessary, dangerous, and bigoted. Weight loss cosmetic surgery represents the extremes that our society will go to to eradicate fat people. For all of the horror that a person feels when they see a very thin person with an ED, it doesn't seem to hold true for fat people with ED's. While I have a lot of personal experience with that, this experience seems to hit closer to home Perhaps because my friend was involved in the fat acceptance community. I thought better of her. Not brainwashed by society's standards.

Internalized fatphobia is a horrible thing.

The bottom line is that we applaud fat people for doing dangerous, irresponsible, unethical, things that put our lives on the line in the name of thinness. But how would the world react if the opposite were true? If thin people literally risked their lives to become fat because they thought it looked prettier? I have a feeling I know the answer.

So, I suppose I've finally experienced a personal casualty in the War On Fat. During my own struggles I came close to losing my life, but this somehow feels so much worse.

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ten reasons why you're perfect the way you are and you don't need cosmetic surgery.

1. you're beautiful the way you are: cosmetic surgery can change how you look,but it doesn't change who you are.

2. cosmetic surgery won't fix your self esteem: too many people have thought that it would, but losing weight and looking different won't automatically make you feel better about yourself. you need to do that from the inside and you can do that at any weight.

3. you can be healthy at any size- you have to change your behaviors, not your appearance. currently you don't eat well or exercise and if you lose weight but still don't change those behaviors then you're still going to have issues. Remember that studies show that health problems initially go away during weight loss but very often return because weight does not equal health.

4. this particular type of cosmetic surgery is dangerous. The sleeve is less dangerous than some other methods, but they're all dangerous. There's a laundry list of side effects that i'm sure you've seen, including death. is it really worth it just to look more socially acceptable?

5. you're making a statement: when a fat person decides that being thin is better than being fat and actively tries to change their bodies it makes a statement about all fat people and it makes a social statement. and that is that being thin is better than being fat.

6. people already love you just the way you are: this needs little explanation.. people already care about you, you have no problem finding dates or hook ups. your life isn't hindered by anything except your lack of confidence which won't be fixed by cosmetic surgery.

7. body hate poisons you: work on loving yourself instead of blaming your body

8. your body works hard for you- why abuse it? I apologized to my body a long time ago for the eating disorder I put it through, for the self injury I put it through, for the abuse I put it through. No body should be treated that way. you're willing to mutilate your lovely body and put it through a medically induced eating disorder. why do you feel it deserves that kind of hatred and abuse?

9. it's fatphobic: you know enough about fat acceptance and body politics for me not to need to go into too much detail here. It's related to number 5- you're becoming part of a society that favors thin people over fat people and giving it your seal of approval. that society is not only fatphobic but misogynistic and classist as well. You're choosing to stop fighting against that and to give into it instead.

10. You'll be losing a friend: Because I find WLS to be completely unethical and because I struggled with my own eating disorder for ten years, I can't watch someone purposefully do that to themselves. The body hate, the negativity, and the triggers are just too much for me. Maybe that's not even close to enough to keep you from doing this surgery, but at least I can say I tried. You know that body hate and intentional weight loss go against everything that I stand for. I can't just sit by and watch it happen to someone I care about. I can't do it and I won't. So, while it's your body and your choice, realize that that choice comes with consequences. I'm also allowed to make my own choices for my own mental well being. Literally every time I talked to your or hung out with you it would be heartbreaking and triggering. Friendships shouldn't be a negative experience which is why I would have to end this one.

She is an uneducated person if she thinks it is "cosmetic surgery" and to me, in todays world, those who prefer to remain uneducated on a subject fall under the "ignorant" label. I would say she wasn't a very good friend to start with and why on earth would she FEEL BETRAYED?????????

[Jersrose43 837]

Maybe I read this differently than everyone else

I don't think what she said was so horrendously bad.

Yes she's coming from a place where she thinks that this is a cure and it isn't

But she's also coming from a place where she has suffered an eating disorder and is happy where she is today. She considers your decision a validation of the wasting disorder. Misplaced yes many of her rants are on her blog

But can I say that you are both losing a friend or choosing to end friendship for valid reasons.

Both of you for health reasons. Yours physical hers for mental and emotional reasons.

It's ok to have a friendship end. It's sad and I am so sorry it has happened but it is what it is.

She likes being a large woman and it seems like she has worked hard to get herself into the mental place she is at. We shouldn't hate or judge her either

[dream to be slim 33]

Hi your so called friend is not a friend at all , she obviously has her own issues and should be with that in mind more understanding , this is your decision for your health and future and not hers ! If she was a real friend she would support you in what is your choice , it is for this type of negativity I have told so few people about my choice to have a lap band 18 months ago, it certainly is not cosmetic surgery or an easy decision to make , for me and probably many others on this forum it has been a last resort after years of battling with their weight ; yes it has risks but so does crossing the road . We have only one life and you have to do what you feel is best for you ; do not listen to this persons negative opinions , do what is right for you , we here will support you in your journey . I wish you all the best

[JanetPRN 496]

She made it easier for you with her last sentence" friendships shouldn't be a negative thing so I will end ours"

. Sorry but it's time to ask yourself if this opinionated chick is worth the effort? Probably not- she sounds like a fair weather friend who needs others to bolster her own esteem. Like the others have said, this is about her and her feelings and certainly has nothing to do with you.

Head up, chin high! You have so much to look forward to, I promise. It's not easy but it's worth it.

Edited May 26, 2014 by JanetPRN

[time2 5]

I am 61 years old and weigh 236 pounds and am a year out from surgery (insurance requirements). I have dieted and lost major pounds each decade only to gain them back. Finally I decided to go the fat acceptance route. I have all the same co-morbidity risks you list. I thought I could beat them due to genetics!! Then they all hit me around age 60. Diabetes is now under control with diet...other problems are still there. Knees started aching last year...knee replacement time is fast approaching if I do not get the weight off. You are young and can live a life controlling your health issues once you get (and keep) the weight off. We all know that keeping weight off is such a struggle...the gastric sleeve has many who lose hunger pains. Unlike past diets, maintenance may not feel like starving. I wish the gastric sleeve was around when I was much younger. (I had a friend who had gastric bypass back in the early 80's; her experience was bad and scared me off.) Your life can be so much better as you can be so much more active (me too once I have surgery). Your friend should accept you no matter your shape or size...just as you do her...maybe she will come around later. I have found over my life that there are different friends for different times (even though it hurts saying good-be to a friend). Life is too short...do what you feel you need to do for yourself. Love and support to you on your journey. P.S. Your friend may be mourning a loss of someone with whom to eat uncontrolled food. It will be hard to hang out with her if food is involved.

Edited May 26, 2014 by time2