Nine days after surgery, how to help

[pxinaz 8]

My husband had VGS surgery nine days ago. He had complications due to some of his comorbidities, and spent six nights in the hospital instead of one. While he is happy to no longer be hungry, I'm concerned about his unwillingness to follow the rules of his program.

He refuses to walk. Even in the hospital, where walking every two hours was mandatory, he refused to budge. He walks to the bathroom and back to his recliner, and that's it. The rest of the time, he bellows out his demands, 24/7. Bring men Jello, bring me ice, bring me Water, come clean up my mess, get me a Protein Shake.

While I am sympathetic and want to be comforting, my suggestions that he could get up or even reach for something have been met with rage. He is furious that he feels so bad. My telling him to walk off the pain has generated more anger.

He ridiculed the nutrition instructors and actually walked out of his post op class. Now he expects me to keep track of his needs. And those comorbidities that caused problems in the OR? He still refuses to handle them.

I've been screamed at, yelled at, belittled, and cursed. How can I help him to get himself together so he can work on living with this new tool? And how do I protect myself?

I have several severe autoimmune diseases, am a cancer survivor, and I live in constant severe pain. Normally I'm on heavy narcotics but right now I'm limiting my pain meds in order to drive him to his appointments. He is not supportive of my issues. Because I'm on a biologic drug for my arthritis, I'm susceptible to infection, so I worry about having to handle clean up when he gets sick. I do it, but I worry about the risks.

His surgeon actually suggested he go to a rehab facility after he left the hospital. He refused. How do I get him up and moving again?

[LindafromFlorida 1,542]

I feel so sorry for you. Was he like this before surgery? Honestly I cannot imagine someone acting this way. My husband and I were both sleeved. We are 67. I was shopping at the mall 4-5 days after surgery. My husband had a problem and was kept in the hospital 4 days after surgery, and came home with a catheter. He managed. He has several comorbidities, diabetes, heart stent, HBP, and has a problem walking. I have asthma, diabetes, HBP, knee replacement, yet we have been up walking and happy as can be since being sleeved. We took one dose of pain medicine when we got home. In my uneducated humble opinion, I think you need some counseling just to deal with this, since he sounds as if he would refuse to go. I think you need to keep yourself busy and gone from your home to a mall or a movie, and not be waiting on him hand and foot, or maybe doing yard work out of reach of his voice, so he would be forced to get up and take care of himself. God bless you. I am glad you found this site so that you can have some emotional support. Hugs, Linda

[InfiniteButterfly 438]

Wow. Just wow. Part of me understands his anger at your suggestion he walk (I reacted irrationally when my bf suggested it to me my second day home, because I was in a lot of pain and didn't want to move. But I KNEW it was an irrational reaction, and actually followed his suggestion and felt better)

I would also ask if he acted this way prior to surgery?

Honestly, with you having your own issues to deal with, is there any place you can go to get away for a few hours or a few days? Unless he wants to change, he's not going to, and it sounds like he's content to use you as a whipping boy to take out his discomfort and that's not right. You mention his doctor suggested a rehab facility...what about a home health nurse or somebody to drop by and look at him? At the rate he's going, he sounds completely unwilling to help himself, and he's treating you very poorly indeed. (maybe contact his doctor or bariatric team and ask them for suggestions as well?)

You need to take care of yourself. If that means taking a few steps back for a few days and making him take care of himself, that may be what you need to do. I'm worried that you may be damaged in the long run if you're neglecting yourself to take care of someone who should be more willing to help himself.

*hugs*

[James Marusek 5,244]

Its a bad situation. I wonder if he blames you for pressure to undergo the surgery. Several years back, my mom fell and broke her hip. She had a hip replacement. After spending almost 4 weeks in rehab and she was in constant war with the staff, we pulled her from the rehab center and brought her home. We took her home and she spent 3 months with us, barking off orders and yelling at us. She did the absolute minimum. Instead of her muscles getting stronger, they were actually getting weaker. When I felt she was well enough to return to her home, I explained to her that she needs to go home. She would get the strength back by doing the chores around her home. She was using us like a crutch. This we did and she recovered. It is hard enough helping someone than to be constantly screamed at for no good reason.

[Chele H 427]

Not to sound snarky but if he "demands" that bring him ice or Water or a Protein drink....what will happen if you don't bring it to him? I would think he would be forced to do things for himself(which of course he should be doing)

PLEASE take care of yourself....I don't know you but I do know EVERYONE deserves to be treated with love and respect. YOU deserve that.

Edited May 24, 2014 by Michele H.

[Kindle 8,667]

Wow, I'm surprised he passed the psych eval for surgery approval. Unless this is entirely new behavior for him. Does his bariatric team have a counselor you could talk to? They may see this all the time and have suggestions for you. You can't continue to live this way. It's not fair to you and he does not need an enabler. I agree with all the above posts about getting out and taking care of yourself.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I'd go visit a friend or relative for a week or two and leave him on his own, personally. If I didn't have that option, I'd go to a hotel at the beach and take a vacation.

People will only treat you like poo if you let them. Don't let him. You are worth more than that.

[SugarFreeMe 293]

I agree with all of the suggestions about getting away and forcing him to be self sufficient. If he's ever going to get with the program he needs to work it. You doing all his work isn't doing him any good. When I came home from my surgery I WANTED to do everything for myself. I knew that I couldn't count on anyone to do this for me. If he refuses to go to his psych for help, call his surgeons office, explain the situation and ask if you can go so you can find ways to get him thru this. I wish you luck with this, take care of yourself first and always.

[Goddardgo 90]

What part of AZ do you live in? I'm in avondale.. you can come over here lol. Really though,I am still pre op so I really don't know how my reaction and responses would be after surgery, but you shouldn't feel like this. I know how my husband used to get with a toothache and remember.. men don't handle pain like us ladies, so he may be very frustrated with himself and is taking it out on you. You should get out for a bit and let him think about his behavior.

[pink dahlia 2,513]

Uh oh ! Here comes the Tough Love Train !!!!!! Honey , HE is treating YOU like crap, and yet you're asking " how do I get HIM up and moving again ?" How about with a swift kick to the A $$ !!!! That'll get him moving !!!! Its one thing to be a "little " demanding or snarky after surgery, hey we were all there probably , from the pain , etc. Its a totally different thing when someone is verbally abusive and refuses to do anything for himself. TOTALLY. DIFFERENT. HE needs to see a psych Dr to deal with his behavior, and you might want to see him /her too to find out why you feel its your respondsibility to deal with HIS problems that HE wont deal with himself. Tell him "God helps those who help themselves " and " Not my circus , not my monkeys ! " - ( it means " not my problem ") sending you hugs !

[McButterpants 2,846]

There was something like this on My 400 Pound Life...the doctor wouldn't operate because he wasn't ready. Me thinks this is a similar case.

I didn't expect my husband to cater to my every need - getting up and walking around is great for recovery, so I did those things myself. He helped me, yes, but I didn't demand he get anything for me.

If you don't like being a doormat, pick yourself up and don't allow yourself to be one. Best of luck to the both of you - sounds like counseling would help you both!

[pxinaz 8]

Thank you, all. First off, I'm going to take some time for me today, and he will just have to deal.

I certainly did not pressure him into the surgery. I told him I would support his decision either way. I had concerns about his ability to handle it, but I let him figure it out without my influence. food has always been the love of his life, his mistress, his whore. I helped him see that.

To others, he's happy and outgoing. Yes, he's been whiny and full of woe to them recently, but I'm bearing the brunt. Like any married couple, we have our ups and downs. But even prior to surgery, he was verbally cruel. I recently got sick with a UTI at a party, and it escalated so fast, I was crying.

He was furious that we had to leave early and yelled at me for crying and embarrassing him, ruining his fun, always faking it. He continued to rant at the ER, where I eventually got a rocephin shot. The UTI went into my kidneys and I was so sick...but he would not let up.

I'm tired of all of it. His new line is 'after all I give you' and he knows just how to push my buttons.

I do see my own counselor, but have never met his. I need to summon the courage to tell his bariatric team exactly what is going on. He sees them this Wednesday, and it's time for him to face reality.

It's immensely comforting to hear that his refusal to get up is not the norm. Best of luck with your journeys.

[greensleeve 457]

You are with an abusive person. You don't deserve this. No human being should be treated this way.

If you don't get things for him he will have to get them himself. You aren't his servant.

I hope you are talking to your counselor about the abuse you are enduring.

I was in an abusive marriage too. He is a heartless soulless person and I can't tell you how much better my life is without him.

[momohime 121]

My immediate reaction is that you shouldn't really have to do anything for him! He should be doing all of this on his own.. but not knowing the cause of his extended hospital stay or his co-morbidities, it's hard to actually say if he really is in continued need of assistance or not. Even so, his attitude is sucky and I think you know that. Unfortunately, if surgery didn't get him on board, there's probably little else you can say to convince him either. I know how badly you probably want this to work for him, but he's the one that's ultimately responsible for changing his lifestyle--not you.

The only thing you can really do is keep yourself healthy, both physically and mentally. No one deserves to be screamed at, cursed, or belittled by their spouse.. and if putting your foot down is only met with more of the same, I would suggest spending some time apart if at all possible. Of course, doing that might come with consequences that you would have to be prepared for. But if this is something that happens regularly, there really is no excuse for it. It might be difficult, but you'll be so much better off without such a negative influence in your life.

[catfish87 3,471]

You are with an abusive person. You don't deserve this. No human being should be treated this way.

My thoughts exactly.

Best wishes.....