Boyfriend is post-op gastric bypass. If he doesn't change his ways, I can't be with him

[concernedaboutthebf 0]

He had gastric bypass long before I knew him. He went down to a healthy weight and then gained a lot back. Now his BMI is around 35. We've been dating about 8 months, and it's getting pretty serious. We've talked about marriage. The problem is that he still eats garbage (just a smaller portion)and doesn't exercise. He complains that he feels sick all the time. I don't know how to tell him this, but if he doesn't change, I'm gone.

My problem isn't the BMI of 35, it's the disregard for his own health. My BMI is 21, I enjoy exercising and keeping fit. He doesn't enjoy doing any of the active things that I do, and it's really bothering me. It's no fun doing all of those things alone. And, I don't think I can start a family with someone who doesn't share my same beliefs about nutrition/exercise, and who can't keep up with children. I also don't want to bury my husband before he's 50.

I want him to change, but I don't know if or how I should bring it up. I've hinted at it before, and he's told me that the doctor said he's not supposed to eat healthy or exercise because he'll lose weight too fast. I don't believe that and it frustrates me even more that he would make excuses.

[Ginger Snaps 1,323]

Sounds like you have some serious concerns about the relationship that may or may not be related to weight. There is a forum for friends and family where you might be able to get some specific answers. It's located at http://www.bariatricpal.com/forum/1016-family-and-friends-new/

It's a very awkward role to be in when you love someone so much you want to see them healthy but they don't seem to be as interested in it as you are. And, you sound pretty intelligent and I think you know that no bariatric surgeon is going to tell a WLS surgery patient not to eat healthy or exercise. That's like a pulmonologist telling someone to keep smoking. Well, DUH!

Best wishes and I hope you get the answers you need.

[bloodgoodtonya 2]

I will share my own personal experience. My husband and I were married 13 years when I lost him in December 2013 at the age of 48. He refused to take care of himself, despite all I tried and what the doctors told him. He had a multitude of health issues. You cannot change them no matter what or how hard you try!!

[Cupcake 801]

HI I WOULD CHECK OUT THE ABOVE WEBSITE AND I WOULD FLATLY SIT HIM DOWN AND TELL HIM , EITHER HE MAKES CHANGES OT BE HEALTHY AND YOUR REASON WHY OR YOUR OUT, THIS IS A CHOICE TO BE HEALTHY AND ALL DOCTOR WANT YOU TO EAT HEALTHY AND EXERCISE HE IS JUST MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIS BAD HABITS HE IS SICK BECAUSE OF HIS EATNG CHOICES, GOOD LUCK . I WOULD NOT MARRY ANYONE WHO DIDNT SHARE MY GOALS ESPECIALLY HAVE CHILDREN WITH THEM.

[Harley59 67]

Hi,

I think you answered your own question and sometimes putting it in writing helps. We all know that you cannot change anyone. No one could change us, until we decided for ourselves. Someplace along the way, he wanted to change but something happened. Maybe he got scared but you cannot change another human being, no matter how much you love them. Remember: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and Wisdom to know the difference.

Good luck

[green*eyed*girl 170]

Hi!

Please do not get me wrong but I find it strange that you are talking possible marriage but you do not know how to bring up the issue of his unhealthy lifestyle being a problem with you? In relationships you have to be open and honest and respectful. Just tell him everything that you wrote on this forum, and find out what he thinks. Perhaps give him some time to change and if he does not then you will know what to do. But you have to be honest with him about your concerns.

[Sparklingbeauty53 202]

It doesn't seem to me this is a relationship built in trust, love, open communication, etc. Just with what you stated in this post there are issues that need to be addressed. Just as it has been said before-you can not change people! Your wishes for him are not his. He has to have the same dreams for himself. If he does not then it isn't meant to be. I am so sorry!