Serious Serious Advice!

[Sofficial 162]

I want to apologize because what I'm seeking advice on doesn’t have anything to do with wls, but I didn’t have anywhere else to turn.

About a year ago my daughter was fondled by my ex boyfriend of six years. So my daughter and I went to the police station and filed a report, he was eventually arrested and is still incarcerated on these charges.

Fast forward to February of this year. My daughter is at a new school and one day she comes to me and says that here Violin instructor is constantly touching her butt( in a not so obvious way) and and he stands too close and he's making her feel very uncomfortable. So I told her that she might still be a little traumatize from what happened with my ex and her instructor probably means no harm, but however I will talk with him about this. I went to the school and told him that my daughter doesn’t want anyone to know but she has been fondled by someone who was very close to her and and she is still a bit on edge, with that being said please give her some space because she feels that you are touching her inappropriately. He was very nice about it and agreed that he would give her space. The very next day he told my daughter that I told him about what happened to her and that he wouldn't do that to her,ect... About a week later my daughter came home crying hysterically saying that it has gotten worse he is still touching her and she feels he is doing this on purpose now. I told her that I would request some time off work and speak with the counselor or she could go ahead and speak to her without me. Because she was tired of this situation and did not want to wait any longer she went ahead and spoke to the counselor alone. She told me when she brought this situation to the counselor there was no discretion at all, there was another student close by, there was teachers coming in and out reading her statement and she was very upset about this. When I brought this to the counselors attention she said that there was only three staff members that read the statement, which was the principle ,asst principal and and some other appropriate person.

So they contacted the state and they did an investigation, they talked to other students, most of the students parents did not want their child involved so they wouldn't allow them to speak with the investigators. The teacher was suspended while the investigation went on. I was not aware of this until last night but during this investigation word got out that my daughter was the reason for the teacher being suspended. This teacher is one of the students favorite and most of the students were calling her her a liar, and they began bullying and antagonizing her. One day she was sitting in her piano class and her piano instructor made an announcement that the student that who brought these allegations on had abuse problems at home, now let me remind you every one at the school pretty much knows by now my daughter is the one who brought this on. What she went through with my ex, she really didn't want anyone to know, my own family doesn’t even know. She said she didn't want anyone looking at her differently. The only reason I told him was because I figured he would make a special effort to keep his space.

Fast forward to last week, my daughter told me the instructor was back. Now my daughter or I was never contacted and told that he would be back, we did not get any kind of heads up. I spoke with my daughters best friend last night and she told me that everyone at the the school is bullying my daughter, calling her a liar and wild rumors are being spread that she has been molested or is being beaten. When she tries to sit at the lunch table with her class mates they would tell her to move they don't want her sitting with them. My heart is so broken right now I am sitting here in tears, knowing that everyday I sent my daughter to that school thinking that my daughter was protected by the staff and all this time she was being tortured and humiliated, on top of what she has already been through.

I believed the asst Principal when she told me that all of this would be kept confidential and trusted when and if they let him come back that they would at least keep him away from her or take some kind of protocol. She say he glares at her when she walks by and is constantly coming in one or more of her classes. I fee so horrible, I know there’s only so much I can do being a single parent of three, working and going to school, but I can't help to feel that I dropped the ball somewhere. I'm going up to the school today but I wanted to get you guy's input on this first, because my emotions are so all over the place I can't really think clearly and I want to be able to find the right words when I go to the school today and not just go crazy with yelling and screaming.

[mentalistfan 189]

You might want to go to the county board of education or threaten the school with getting a lawyer. There is a no bullying policy where I live. They need to be told that they made a mockery out of your daughter and because of their indiscretions, your child is humiliated and hurt even worse. Ask them where their compassion and protection is for your child. Let them know it is a serious situation about you child's past and you were just trying to protect her, not cause more problems for anyone. Screaming and shouting will not help anything but be firm and persistent. God Bless!!!

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

There is a no bullying policy in the education system. 0 tolerance. you sought help from the educational system. Noe you need to call the police and get them to assist you....You may find that your child will have to change schools again...

But don't lose it. Be strong and state how you feel and how you are going to respond to this..You are her mother and protector. Be firm and take no prisoners....

Edited May 20, 2014 by RJ'S/beginning

[22pix 26]

You should never tell someone u think might be a predator....what happened to your daughter....... These men know how to read people and target them.i am so sorry that she has to go threw this. I would go to the media with this call your local news let them expose the school and get down to the bottom of this.

[moonlitestarbrite 902]

you need professional help, not advice on a weight loss forum!

[Sofficial 162]

You should never tell someone u think might be a predator....what happened to your daughter....... These men know how to read people and target them.i am so sorry that she has to go threw this. I would go to the media with this call your local news let them expose the school and get down to the bottom of this.

Well at the time when I decided to tell him I didn't think he was a predator, I just thought my daughter was being a little paranoid because of her circumstances, however after talking to him I kind of regretted telling him that.

As far as the media, I thought of that too but I really don't want my daughter exposed.

Edited May 20, 2014 by SweetSophia

[Sofficial 162]

you need professional help, not advice on a weight loss forum!

Yes, you're right I’ve definitely sought out professional help too, but I was just looking for personal advice as well, as it can be just as beneficial. Thanks!

[Miss Mac 6,262]

Sad to bring up that I was sexually abused from age 5 to age 14. My parents were pillars of the church and refused to deal with it. I was the problem for bringing it up. My abuser was relative, a Sunday School teacher, and a YMCA Indian Guide. Pedators go where the children are. My abuser also abused his own daughter and some of her little friends. He went to prison twice and died in jail awaiting his third trial for sexual abuse of a child. (And why did the state of Indiana let him out twice???) I found out at his funeral that he had also abused my three sisters as well.

The reason I have exposed this is to help you become aware of how the mind of an abuser works That teacher does not see your daughter as a student. He sees her as an opportunity. A child psychologist and a lawyer would both be great allies in moving forward......then you can sue the school system for those costs and some pain and suffering. By placing her back in that classroom and allowing other students to torment your daughter, they are contributing to her abuse.

I would go so far as to suggest a restraining order to force the school to keep her away from his influence. Shoot, maybe you can transfer her to a private school and sue your current school system for that expense, too. I am so glad that your daughter has you for an advocate and that you threw your ex-boyfriend to the curb so that he could be picked up the trash.

She needs you so much right now. My parents have both passed away, but for a long time I harbored painful resentment because they did not believe me or help me. So, I am just saying...nip it in the bud now. You can be angry about this in a classy way. Document visits to a therapist. Document any contact with the Police Department. Document all of your contact with that teacher and the administration at the school. Document all contact with a lawyer. Force that school system to create a No Bullying policy and to require teachers, support staff, and the School Board to attend education sessions on the subjects of the Cycle of Abuse and the damage done by bullying. You may need to keep a journal to help you recall events exactly as they happen day to day. In the end, the one with the most documentation wins.

Give your daughter a big hug and let her know that all of this mess is not her fault. Then when you feel that you have acceptable closure on this, find someone to give you a big hug. You need professional allies to bring this to light. I wish the best for you and your daughter.

[Butterflyhigh 504]

What a tough situation. My heart breaks for you both.

I don't think I would send her back into that school. Not one more day. That is a hostile environment and it can be emotionally damaging to endure daily humiliation, scorn, intimidation, and the gossip about her sexual abuse. I am a grown woman and I don't think I could walk into that every day. She needs some good 'down time'. She needs to feel safe and loved so that healing can take place. Otherwise all of this hurt, anger, fear, and self-blame will become overwhelming in her teenage and adult years.

If you don't already have a counselor, you should run and find one. These events go deep. You both are going to need some help and guidance to get through this so she can move forward and have a great life.

[Sofficial 162]

Miss Mac I am SO SORRY for what you guys went through, my heart definitely goes out to you.

I don't think I have enough documentation for a lawsuit but I'm gonna try anyway. I actually met with a therapist last week for my daughter because we're going to trial soon and I wanted to make sure she was mentally prepared and able to go through with reliving that experience. She meets with her tomorrow, so that's good. I had her stay home from school today and she wont be back for the remainder of the year which is only two weeks.

I went to the school and they act like they was shocked that she was going through that and apologized for not letting me know that he was back at the school. That was not good enough for me and I'm filing a complaint with the Board of Education and I'm going to find an attorney.

I cant thank you guys enough for your wonderful advice, compassion and exposure. It was hard making the decision to post here, sometimes I find it best to get input from people that you don't know personally, as they will have an unbiased and far more honest opinion. Thank you so much for taking a break from the weight loss forums to be there for me in my time of need, it means more than you know.

Edited May 20, 2014 by SweetSophia

[Miss Mac 6,262]

The reason that I posted myself as an example is because inappropriate contact with children is waaaaaay more common than we realize, even with the pillars of the church. I applaude you for being pro-active for your daughter. I agree with Butterflyhigh that another option would be to just pull her out of school. A lot of families home school. Because of my abuser's behavior, I had to withhold attending any family functions that he would attend. So, if your daughter tells you something, and the school authorities tell you something different, believe your daughter. Remember, it is OK to question authority.

[LookatmeNow34 25]

Very sad....Protect your daughter at all cost.... No matter WHAT

[22pix 26]

I understand...hope it all works out....the most important thing is your daughter.

[RetroGirl 210]

Folks, I hate to share this with you, but everything you say here, everything in your profiles is available online. Unless you are a VIP member, you do not have privacy on this forum! Please protect yourselves!

Oh no. I thought you need a secret password to get on the Internet. I really hate this 21st century. Need to get into my time machine and go back in time.

Would you mind not spamming every thread? It's just like commercials on TV... Every 5 minutes, there it is.

[byebyefat 262]

This is so sad, hugs for u and ur daughter. Contact board of education and the school board and threatened them that you will go to the news, and PRAY, I'm so sorry this is happening to u, u can private message me if u need to talk or vent, I'm being sleeved on monday but i can talk till then and then again once I'm feeling able too