No support from Spouse

[ktucker1979 6]

Just got my surgery date for May 22nd. I am absolutely thrilled!!! Problem is, my husband is less than supportive. Started this process last Sept, he did attend my initial surgery consult where surgeon told him how I would have to adhere to their program and make some life changes in order to be approved for surgery. This made my husband feel better as he apparently over the 13 years we've been together has not seen me "try hard enough" to lose the weight. I am not sure exactly what he expected to see by this point, but he says I have not changed anything. I disagree, although I have not lost any weight, I have gained an excellent understanding and preparation for what is to come with the surgery. I have been meeting with a counselor every other week and helped build some self confidence, parenting skills and coping mechanisms. I do admit I could have done more, made healthier food choices, exercised more, etc, but if I was good at those things I never would have been in this position to begin with. My issue is not that there is a lack of knowledge for the correct way to lose weight, I am sure so many of us could teach courses on nutrition, I am ready for this "tool" to assist me in my new healthy lifestyle. I am so disappointed that the one person who I count on to be my "cheerleader" in all aspects seems to have no interest at all in my journey. Fortunately I do have excellent support in nearly everyone else in my life! My parents, my brother and many friends! I am blessed with all of their love and support!! My mom will be able to be with me during my hospital stay and help with my crazy kiddos in my post-op days. My husband will be working..... I feel that I have just been such a disappointment and failure to him for so long, he no longer has hope for me!

[Chelly 364]

Shame on him for not being there for you......

Love is suppose to be unconditional no matter how you look or have blips in the battle in the past with weight losing.

You're not the disappointment he is by not supporting you.

You should be very proud of yourself for making this decision of having the surgery to help you.

It's a wonderful thing you are doing so you have brighter future without health issues.

I wish you all the best with your surgery.

[Amyllf2 206]

No offense to the guys on this board, but men can be very clueless. They can also be cowards. Change is not very easy for them and maybe your husband is afraid of what will happen when you become the fabulous new you.

We all look for approval from people we love. If he can't give it to you, so be it. Look for the approval from the other people in your life. We can't expect 100% approval and we don't need it. This decision is for you first and foremost. Your kids benefit greatly too. And whether he realizes it, your hubby will be better off in the too.

[music1618 879]

Time to have a good long talk with hubby. Communication is key.

He maybe having fears that he is having trouble expressing. I found with my hubby that he was really scared about me having this surgery. He actually did not sleep the night before and threw up that morning due to nerves.

Please sit down with him and talk about your feelings and be ready to really talk about his feelings.

[healthyme1963 136]

Congratulations on your decision to take control of your health! So sorry you don't feel supported by the one person who should be your biggest support.

I have to agree with music and amy. Maybe he's just nervous and scared and is communicating that fear in all the wrong ways. Sit down and have a real heart to heart with him and ask him point blank what he is afraid of. Address those worries and fears together. Good luck!

[Skinnyana 35]

girl you are going to look so amazing in a few month that he will have no option but to be supportive of his beautiful wife. Dont keep nothing in your heart againt him.. is prob just the way his taking in that soon you will be a different you

[SugarFreeMe 293]

There could be several things bothering him that he's not coming clean on. My husband also was very non-committal about my having the procedure however I learned as things went on that it was because: a) he didn't understand the procedure, b.) he was fearful of my loosing weight and not being satisfied with him anymore and c.) he was afraid I couldn't do it because he did see me try so many times and each of those times I did good and then failed. Now that I'm 2+ months out he see's the results and my determination. He's seen me face my demons and win. He knows I'm determined this time and he's fully on board now. If your husband is open to talking, see what the real reason is. Many people have warned me that when they lost weight their spouses became very fearful of seeing them change because they then thought they also needed to change. Make sure he understands this is about your health, not your relationship with him. Best wishes for a successful surgery.

[ktucker1979 6]

Thank you all for your caring responses and helpful suggestions!! Little bit of a bummer today, found out surgery postponed till 28th, some scheduling issue. But, no biggie I guess, just get to do liquids for 6 extra days ????

[SugarFreeMe 293]

Thank you all for your caring responses and helpful suggestions!! Little bit of a bummer today, found out surgery postponed till 28th, some scheduling issue. But, no biggie I guess, just get to do liquids for 6 extra days

Look at it as a way of loosing a couple extra pounds which helps the liver shrink which helps during surgery, lessens complications and help with healing afterwards. Your husband will come around, just do what you need to do for yourself.

[AMJ55319 2]

His behavior is NOT ABOUT YOU!!!! His behavior is ABOUT HIM!!!!! This is something difficult I've learned. You are only responsible for yourself, not him!!!

[Monarch1966 4]

At least you have a support group. I dont understand why he isnt supporting you regardless of the changes. My husband had the band in 2000 and learned to eat around it and gained the weight back. He found if he ate candy and carbs he didnt get sick. In 2010 he found out his insurance would pay to remove the band and he could have the RNY so he went through the waiting period and had all the tests and had the surgery in 2011; He lost 100 pounds post op and regards the surgery as a fix not a tool. But I am not his judge and jury and he is a grown man and I love him no matter what. I give him advice and alternatives to a 2 lb bag of M&M's, which he truly appreciates but I dont criticize or tell him I am disappointed because I am not. These procedures saved his life and that is all i care about. He is doing much better since I started the path to surgery because i will read everything in sight and read blogs and forums. He doesnt want his weight to define him and I think we all feel the same way.

It is true we could probably all teach nutrition classes, food counseling, exercise programs, we could be trainers and coaches with all our knowledge but at the end of the day its not knowledge that helps us lose the weight its application, support and determination and just by talking through our triumphs and struggles we are doing just that.

Best of luck to you and I hope he realizes he needs to support you. I wont lie and say i have not resented my husband for not using the RNY correctly but I kept it to myself for both our sakes. I dont walk in his shoes so I cant relate to his feelings plus i love him so much hurting his feelings isnt an option.

I have had all the tests and now the insurance is causing problems. First they said it was outpaitent and i didnt need approval (really) then they denied me outright because they didnt have two documents that were submitted. It has been awful and I have been so upset about everything since they started this mess. Who stepped up and took over phone calls and "yelling" at insurance clerks? My husband who has been throught his twice and knows how hard it is, makes me love him even more.

I hope he sees how hard you are working and decides to give you support;