To NEWBIES!!!

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

Shortly after surgery I wrote this and I think most newbies will relate.

What I have learned about Lap Band surgery:

When Dr. Campos asks if you are doing your trippy little breathing

exercises, telling him you are is of little value when you can't

quite recall what you did with the machine. He will find it for you

and watch you actually use it.

Ditto on the breathing machine with Dr. Aceves.

Feeling pride - to the point of boastful - of your Spanish skills

when telling the nurse you would love nothing more than to run

outside for a cigarette actually translates into: I just smoked a

cigarette inside the hospital and I'd like another, please. At least

that is how they understand it. I'm quite sure my Spanish is better

than those from Mexico.

Pointing to your stomach and saying, "Ouch ouch ouch," is medical

lingo for "May I have pain meds, please?" Clutching your gut and

gagging is medical lingo for, "I'm gonna hurl, may I have something

for nausea?"

Crushed pills do not taste like candy. Nurses fib.

Feeling pride that you finished your crushed tablet and Water is

short lived. Nurses belong to the clean plate club. They will look

and see there is tablet residue on the bottom of the cup and pour

more Water in there so you can enjoy it a 2nd time around. Having

the expression of a 4 year old that just ate spinach while drinking

crushed tablets and water will make the nurse laugh.

Quality doctor/patient time is done by sneaking outside the hospital

to grab a quick cigarette. You see, Dr. Aceves finds smoking most

annoying and this behavior leads to a variety of lectures ranging

from slow healing, health issues, etc,

Trying to explain going outside by telling any of the medical staff

that you are merely trying to get some exercise is fruitless. They

won't buy it.

When you wash your hands and accidentally drop the paper towel you

used to dry them, you naturally bend over to pick it up and throw it

in the garbage. When you get halfway down to pick up the paper towel

you discover it is much easier to kick it in a corner.

Feeling guilty about kicking the paper towel in the corner leads you

to kick it over to the couch like a dodge ball, sit down, and SLOWLY

bend over to pick it up. Of course, this means you must stand up

again and walk to the garbage. Since your suit case is on the couch

within reach you throw it in there and decide to put it in the trash

when you get home.

sleeping on your side is tricky business. It takes a few moments to

slowly turn to your side while muttering damn damn damn due to

discomfort. You finally lay on your side, clutching the pillow to

your stomach. You are blissfully comfortable, sigh a sigh of relief,

and without fail Dr. Campos will walk in and want to see your

incisions. This is guaranteed to happen 100% of the time. Matter of

fact, I am convinced this is how to get Dr. Campos to come to your

room. If you have a question and would like to see him there is no

need to request a nurse contact him. Merely take the time to turn on

your side, mutter damn damn damn due to discomfort, get *really*

comfortable, and within minutes he will come to your room and you can

ask your question.

As soon as he leaves you slowly repeat the process. Turn to your

side, mutter damn damn damn, get comfy and Sergio (head nurse) will come in

wanting to see your sutures.

When the folks that had surgery the day before you come in to check

on you, don't mess with them because I am here to tell you, these

people mean business. Before you know it the gauze version of TEDS

hose on your lower legs is suddenly removed and you discover your

butt is hauled out of bed and you are doing laps up and down the

hallway dragging your IV pole with you. The day old bandsters will

cheer you on. Just remember, tomorrow it will be your turn to

play "day old drill sergeant bandster," to the newbies.

Your first poop will hurt. Deal with it.

Experience is a wonderful teacher. When it's time for your 2nd poop

you think it through and decide you can wait for another day, a better day.

When you accidentally bust open and clot off your IV in front of Dr.

Aceves - suggesting to him that you, the patient, remove the IV it is

not an option. When he suggests having a nurse remove the IV ...

reminding him you ARE a nurse is of little value. It is very

frustrating being a nurse that suddenly turned patient and in a

hospital.

When the real newbies are there the day before their surgery for

labs, xrays, etc., it's a fun time to show off your incisions. They

actually WANT to see them unlike the rest of the free world.

The idea of broth and orange Jell-O for Breakfast is something met

with anticipation. It almost borders with excitement when you see

the nice lady from the kitchen with your tray.

If you thought you had a Buddha belly before surgery, check it out

after surgery. The gas they use to blow up your belly is still

there. You actually wonder, when you finally start burping will it

sound like you just inhaled helium as you speak?

Much bottled water, ice, broth, tea, Jell-O, juice, and IV fluids.

Guess where you will be spending time between laps through the halls

and naps?

When Dr. Campos asks you if you are passing gas it is a toss up

trying to decide if you should remind him that is not a question one

asks a lady or if you beg to know when you actually WILL burp up a

storm. Your gut looks like if you get near a sharp pointy thing it

will pop like a balloon.

Glue is a funny thing. The medical staff will tell you that they put

a plastic film (much like saran wrap) on your stomach before

surgery. It's a 'clean' issue. They are not telling you the truth.

When you are having surgery they pour epoxy all over your stomach and

later, when you shower you realize it will never come off. It is

there for life and you question if it will tan with the rest of your

skin the next time you lay in the sun or if it will be blotchy and

yicky.

I double dawg dare you to lean against something with the epoxy on

your stomach. You'll be stuck to what you are leaning to like strong

velcro. Prying your apoxy covered gut off the counter you just

leaned against to wash your hands is similar to prying apart two of

the strongest magnets that you have ever experienced. Much weight

loss is accomplished this way as your skin is still stuck to the

counter. I estimate 4 pounds.

The day after surgery - if you discover the epoxy on your stomach has

formed mini glue balls under your breasts you realize it's time for a

breast lift.

[Shalee04 7]

This was great reading, Thank you from a newbi,

Kelly.

[Daisalana 33]

LOL Wasa.. I really enjoyed that!

And I'm still scrubbing in vain at the glue balls all over my body from surgery #2.. I ponder if this is the worst thing about surgery.

[Northern Lady 0]

Oh My Gosh, this is hilarious! Thank you. Humor and Laughter is sometimes the best medicine!

[faithmd 14]

That was HILARIOUS!!!

Laura: baby oil.

[Daisalana 33]

I tried baby oil! I tried alcohol.. I tried olive oil.. I tried these little packets that I use in bowling (they remove tape residue from inside the holes). Nothing. The best I got, was the bowling things, but it just made it all sticky again, but wouldn't come off. So I'm dealing with lint covered marks all over where I can't get it off.

[faithmd 14]

Dang! That stinks! How about duct tape? Put it on, then pull off the old stuff with it? Just kidding...kind of :eek:

[Daisalana 33]

[Mal 0]

Wasa~that was GREAT!!!

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

I had forgotten about that post. Wow... brings back memories. :eek:

[taismommy 0]

BUMP!!!!!!!

Thanks Wasa, from a newbie

[anonemouse 1]

That was great. And very, very true.

[nina874 48]

Thanks WASA I laughed so much I think I split a stitch.

I like your style lady ;0)

Nina x

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

Thanks WASA I laughed so much I think I split a stitch.

I like your style lady ;0)

Nina x

It probably isn't very funny to someone who hasn't had surgery yet, but after surgery then much of this will make sense.

[nina874 48]

I also really liked the fact that the pain meds they used make you feel sick, so you get into a lovely circle of - gagging wrenching everything inside, it hurts so they give you pain meds, which in turn make you gag.......Thanks docs....

Nina xx