Discouraged and Heartbroken.

[Lisa's Hope 421]

All I can say is I need help. On May 21st I will be 2 years post op. Since my husbands diagnosis of terminal cancer in January, I have been off track. He is getting worse by the day and watching the man I know and love so much slowly disappear in front of my eyes is heartbreaking. I cry every night after he goes to sleep. I know I have to travel this journey and I'm trying so hard to hold it together. I don't think he will be here two more months. When we got married 10 years ago, I knew I had finally found my soul mate. He is 48.

I guess the reason I'm writing this is to ask for encouragement or something.. I don't know really... to get back on track. I don't eat much all day until late. I drink caffeine and sugar most of the day. I start off with a Protein coffee I make myself and I use sugar free caramel Syrup but use regular french vanilla Creamer. I also use either 6 star protein ready made Protein shakes or advantage. I can drink three of those a day which is 600 to 800 calories! Then I eat one meal. Usually, it is a healthy meal. I don't crave bad food. Just sugar!!! I eat fudgesicles at night. Why am I so hooked on them?????!? They have 70 calories each but I can eat 5 or 6 of them and I know that is why I'm gaining weight. Seems I feel bad all day until I'm alone in the dark watching TV and eating them. It is comfort and I know it! Reverting back to an old very familiar habit of using food to help me feel better. My all time high weight was 300 and I reached 168. Now I'm back to 189 and I'm so scared. I don't see myself being strong enough to change now. I see 200 getting closer and closer and I know once I cross that line again... oh Lord... I don't want to think about it. I know that I am the ONLY one that can change and help myself. I really don't know what I want from you all. I guess maybe I just need to vent.

I'm still struggling with bile reflux, gastritis, and acid reflux. Also terrible esophageal spasms. I'm so stressed. I am my husbands caretaker. My Dr. did change me to Dexilant and it really is so much better than Prilosec. I can tell such a difference but it hasn't cured anything, but helps. My husband and I met with hospice yesterday and we decided not to go with them right now. He is moving around and still himself and able to do a few things on his own. So, I have to respect his wishes. I really don't want them here just yet either. Heck the Dr's said for me to call them back in January! No way.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I just needed to get things out. I appreciate you all. Here is a pic of before, then at 168 and now. I really want so bad to reach my goal of 155. SO BAD!!

[NMJG 1,266]

Sending hugs your way....

[BladeFox 235]

Wow! I don't know what to say except prayers coming your way. With everything you are going through it is no wonder why you are off track. Peace and blessings to you and your husband.

[SugarFreeMe 293]

Lisa, I wasn't going to sign on tonight but I'm so glad I did, even if it's only to send you encouraging words. Just over 2 years ago I lost my brother to terminal cancer. I know all too well what your going thru and what's to come. You really need to remember that your health is important in order to keep your strength and energy up. Just remember back when you were at your heaviest how much effort it took to do the simplest of tasks. You know in your heart you don't want to go back to that, you just need to remind your head of that. Have you thought of contacting your psych for a consult? I'm sure he/she would be more then willing to help you through this and they're trained to assist in overcoming your demons when your at your worst. It may not seem easy, but you should try to take some time for yourself also. If your husband requires a constant companion see if a friend of his will come by on a Saturday morning or afternoon so you can do something for yourself. Get a mani or pedi, go to lunch with a dear friend or even go see a movie by yourself, something that will make you laugh. Your a very important person in your husbands life, now more then ever so it's really necessary for you to take care of yourself. When you go to the store you need to remember to buy the things you know are good for you and stay away from the no no's. Or, ask a friend or family member to shop for you or go with you, then maybe you won't be tempted. (peer pressure works for me, my friends don't let me slip up) Above all else, remember to keep coming back here for support. Anytime you need to talk your welcome to message me. I'll help in any way I can. My thoughts and sympathies are with you.

[swizzly 901]

Oh my god. Just want to hug you. Please be so gentle with yourself right now.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

My heart breaks for you. Stay strong, and take care of yourself. Your husband wants the best for you, I'm sure. I'd bet the last thing he wants is to see you self destruct.

You can get back on track, you just need to take the time to take care of yourself through all your pain.

I'm so sorry...

[swimbikerun 1,045]

Ditto all the above.

One thing: you realize what is going on. The next step is to slowly take control again. You feel control is being taken from you due to your husband. food is NOT going to help you. As you've seen, its only going to hurt you. Its not the crutch you think it is.

Do you have others you can reach out to there? Support groups? Family? Friends? Church/religion?

[beeteroo 166]

I'm so sorry for all of the things you and your husband are going through. I can only imagine your pain right now. It might be a good time to talk with your doctor about taking an antidepressant for a while. Sugar helps you feel better right now and I completely understand. I think the suggestions that others have said are a good idea. Go get a mani/pedi and a massage and try to take care of yourself. If you aren't eating all that sugar you might feel better too. Start back to the basics. Just work on getting your Protein in first, then fruits and veggies, and then starches.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

My deepest condolences.

I think a realistic approach is to not worry about a goal weight but rather to restore healthy habits and stop the regain. Later you can think about goal weight. I suggest not having trigger foods in the house. I for example cannot have my favorite Protein bars as I eat them like candy. You are doing the same with fudgecicles so don't buy them. Every night when you escape reality in front of the tv try doing a manicure, doing a hobby like knitting, something to keep you busy and is incompatible with eating junky food. You will be better able to cope if your body is healthy. Get sleep...if you aren't sleeping, talk to a good doc about it.

I lost my baby sister and best friend to breast cancer at age 39...it was beyond devastating so I have an idea of the sad lonely overwhelming feeling. I am so sorry...cancer sucks.

[Lisa's Hope 421]

Thank you to all of you for your support. I knew I could come here and get such good support and love.

I don't have family here but my husband does. He has had two brothers pass away of cancer and his father also. His Mom is in her 80's so she needs care too. We were caring for her before Bear's diagnosis. I call him Bear but his name is Barry. If any of you are interested you can read about his updates on youcaring.com/hopeforbear. Not asking for donations.. just posting so you can read his story. This cancer is relentless!!! So heartbreaking!! He has two living brothers that come around sometime. My family is in Georgia. I only have a brother and sister. My parents are gone. My husband and I are Christians and I do have the support of my brother who is a Minister.

I do have to start taking care of me. I sometimes feel like I will break and if I do no one will be here to take care of him. I have my days where I break down but I know I need to hold on.

I appreciate all of you here. You are all right. I have to change this. It is better for me and him. I get no nutrition all day and when I do eat I usually have chicken, fish, almonds, cheese. Sometimes I will have something bad but I tell you the bad thing I'm having everyday is sugar coffee and fudgsicles. I'm out of them and I'm making the decision right now to NOT buy them anymore!!! I have to figure out a way to eat 2 to 3 hours and break this addiction to sugar.

Here is a pic of me and my husband before he was sick 8 months ago and now. He doesn't even look like the same person. :'(

   

[LindafromFlorida 1,542]

God Bless You Lisa, and your dear Bear. I know there are many of us who have gone through the heartbreak of losing loved ones, and it is the worst pain in the world. I know losing my 30 year old son to a heart attack and my sister to ALS, nearly destroyed me emotionally. Somehow you will get through these days ahead, only by the Grace of God and a lot of prayer and support. Hospice has been part of my family many times, and not just the end time, because 18 months they were my Mother's rock when my Dad had cancer. They offer so much help, especially with medicines, nurses, and even volunteer sitters on a weekly basis so you can leave your home for a short while. I think with your acid problems the fudgsicles probably help. You should try the knitting or crocheting as someone suggested, something to busy your hands and give you something mindless to do when you are sitting. We can be here for moral support when you need it. Hang in there. Big hug. Linda

[swimbikerun 1,045]

Well, what about cutting out 1 of the Protein drinks and eating it and one coffee a day for one week? That's it. Nothing else you change. That way it is a slow removal, doesn't shock you or your system. Make it easier on yourself. I did that with sodas when I saw how people were on the headaches due to going off sodas. It took me 3 weeks to gradually phase them out, and then for my last "meal" I had my favorite Diet Dr. Pepper. Last one forever.

No headaches. So try that, just a small change, one thing (or in this case 2 items). Nothing more for one week. Don't change but just trying to get Protein in other ways and drinking more Water or Crystal Light or Powerade Zero or flavored water and then solid Proteins.

[feedyoureye 3,087]

What a challenge, Bear is so lucky to have you by his side. When you were describing your situation, I thought maybe a yoga class, or even a yoga DVD when you cant get away, just a little every day.... to help you to stay tuned into your body. Maybe trade in the fudge pops for some frozen strawberries or slices of apple... Yes, do make a little change so you stop gaining, and give yourself enough nutrition to keep your health, and worry about taking that off later...Best of luck to you. Sending you peaceful thoughts.

[NewSetOfCurves 1,553]

I deeply, deeply, deeply empathize with you. I have lost two dearly loved ones to terminal cancer. I know what it is like to see them deteriorate before your eyes with each passing day, to know that their time is limited, to be powerless to take away their suffering and their pain, and to have to remain strong and firm before their eyes but drench yourself in your tears at night. It is hard and it impacts your health. Do not feel guilty to take time for you. You need it and I'm sure your husband wants you to take care of you. Let him see you take care of yourself so he can have peace of mind that you're going to be okay. Of course, when we lose loved ones a part of us never fully recovers, but we CAN be okay and find peace within our selves.

You've taken the right step in NOT buying those Popsicles. If they are there, you WILL eat them. So, eliminating them from your grasp is your ultimate favor to yourself. Make small steps. Eliminate the bad and substitute it with something good. You can do this. You've endured a lot, but you ARE strong. You ARE capable of doing ANYTHING you set your mind too.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband.

Edited May 13, 2014 by Curvy

[CrazyJaney 775]

Sending you strength and love. I can't quite imagine what you're going through. I just hate cancer and wish there was a cure. This is always a safe place to come. I will wrap you in prayer. While I don't really know how you feel, my husband became disabled 2 years ago. His was a steady decline of depression and severe arthritis that has left him just barely walking. After a big back surgery, I had hoped it would be better, but he will never be really well again, I fear. During those worst, deepest darkest days when we weren't sure he'd walk again, I was at my highest weight (325-335). I struggled to take on all the extras. We have 2 boys who were 14/6 at the time. The house, money, full time job, the kids..... Huge stressors. Emotionally I felt like I had to be superwoman. But physically, my body was so sick. I vowed to myself, if he got through it, I'd have WLS and NEVER allow myself to be that unhealthy again. 60 pounds down and I feel like there is life out there for me. I can't speak to maintenance and regain, but try to think of how hard it was back then. Grief will be (is) worse if you aren't in a god place physically. Find distractions - I agree. My heart aches for you. Being a caregiver is a quick and easy way to take the focus off your own health. I have been right THERE. I also agree on not focusing on the numbers, just get on track. And if not already, a low dose antidepressant works wonders when there isn't much to do but hope. It's ok to go that route too.