Dating after Weight Loss Surgery

[bikrchk 1,313]

I'm divorced about 4 years now. The last 3 1/2, I didn't have the energy or the confidence to put myself out there. I was sleeved 7 months ago. Went on Match late last year and have had a ton of "first dates", not many second dates, (sometimes it's him, sometimes its me), but few truly "bad" experiences. I'm near my goal at this point, and enjoying my new found social life with a confidence I've never experienced before. The attention is a bit overwhelming at times as I went from being "invisible" as an obese person, to being "seen" as a person (by all genders), seemingly overnight. It takes a bit for the brain to catch up!

I have to say, I'm picky. He has to ride a motorcycle or want to. This is a huge part of my recreational life and something I want to share with my future partner. That weeds out about 90% right there! And he has to have a commitment to fitness. I don't want\need a gym rat, but I need an accountability partner my life as I move from weight loss into maintenance, plus, he's gonna have to be healthy to keep up with me now! It feels a bit like I'm making up for lost time and I want to experience EVERYTHING!

So wish me luck, I've had 4 dates in as many days, (which wears me out, but I don't want to miss a thing)! And I have one of those rare second dates tonight. He asked me to pick a restaurant where he could find something "not fried", (no, he doesn't know about my procedure yet), and we're meeting on our bikes if the rain clears. This one just might make the cut!

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Be picky... I haven't had problem with creepy guys really.... but like i said, I PICK THEM. Makes a difference...

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Someobody mentioned about dating right after surgery - my advice DON'T DO IT. The first months post op can be very emotional, lots of changes etc... bad time to start a new romantic venture in my opinion. My headspace 2.5 years post op is WAY different than it was 1-2 years ago.

[bikrchk 1,313]

Someobody mentioned about dating right after surgery - my advice DON'T DO IT. The first months post op can be very emotional, lots of changes etc... bad time to start a new romantic venture in my opinion. My headspace 2.5 years post op is WAY different than it was 1-2 years ago.

Ditto this. Your first couple of months you'll be losing the hormones\toxins built up in your fat cells at a rapid rate. Makes for a bit of a crazy person. Best to wait at least a few months or until your mood stabilizes.

[Susysleever 265]

I breezed through match.com. I noticed one ' gentleman' had as his id, 'Bigb@@blvr' i emailed match. They were very apologetic and changed his name. Another case of Why Hes Single

[Frank Tardiff 18]

Trying to find a soul mate when you are overweight is open to multiple pitfalls. Honestly I find online dating to be similar to a "kid in a candy store." Most guys check in to try a sweet treat and nothing more. They really only want the "perfect" piece with a great wrapper! Never mind the fact that he might be a stale piece of old Jerky himself. Ha! Saddest thing of all is the fact that really great, kind, loving, caring, intelligent, gorgeous women are never looked at or considered to be asked out on a date simply because they are overweight. A girl can be a complete "B", be in debt up to her arse, have no education, have 10 kids, been divorced 5 times, and be unemployed and she will be seen as a better choice over a girl who has none of those concerns (let alone all of them).... And instead will be shunned simply because she is overweight. The guy will not even look her way and will never know what he missed! I am not saying any one of those traits I mentioned here are cause to look down on a person..... BUT, being overweight is always the first eliminator! I could simply say to the guy " I may be fat, but you are stupid.... And I can lose weight." But let's face it, the whole dating process for an overweight woman is hurtful, painful, and even lonely at times. Yes, there are a few princes out there, but the warts you get from every frog you meet does put an extreme overload on the self worth, and self confidence that we struggle so hard to maintain. This might be partially true for some overweight men, but I firmly believe that more women are willing to look past such imperfections then there are men who can make claim to that virtue. For me.... Well I am lucky... Been married for 40 years. Yup, he is a prince in every sense of the word. But I gotta ask myself.... I was very young and very petite when I met him. I was 19 and he was 24.... Wonder if he would have even looked my way had I weighed 225 lbs, as I do today. He may have never gotten the chance to get to know me and to share all these wonderful 40 years together simply because being fat did not warrant a second look. Just thinking that I might have missed out on meeting my true soulmate simply because my weight might have stopped him from walking across the room to meet me truly breaks my heat.....Because I know that happens all too often in real life. I see if first hand with my daughters, who are also too heavy to warrant a second look.

In my case i was 350lbs @ 6'2" when my wife and i met 19yrs ago. She was 140lbs @ 5'11". She was a self admitted "chubby chaser" lol

8/24/2009. 440lbs day of surgery

Now 215lbs

Fast forward to 2yrs after my rny she tells me " I'm not sexually attracted to you as a skinny guy"

So in other words be thankful your still his one and only princess as I'm sure you are.

[jjinWA 511]

Frank, I hope your lady comes to her senses before it is too late! You are on a long journey to better place and hopefully your new lifestyle will become even more attractive to her then before!!!!

[UrNoKenButUwantaBarbie 4]

Dating online sucks for me. All I hear you're beautiful, pretty, cute BUT your fat. I've dated 2 guys from online. No more for me. Both knew and saw my pics. That I was 60 pds over weight. I never lied. They were cool with it. When I started dating 1 for 3 years and a ring. All he talk about is I need to lose weight. For 3 years is all he did. And look at younger slim women. I got sick and left.

The 2 guy we been dating for 1 year 3 months and he knew I wasn't slim I told him if u like slim woman. I'm not your girl. He said no it's cool. But when a few weeks of moving in he started. Putting me down looking and talking to young women. From his pass his x. All of them. He walks down the street or any where he looks and tells them hi sweetie. No respect for me. And for 1 year 3 months is all we fight about. Is a big stress in my life. Because I can't go no where he's looking at women. They pass by and he's looking. Looks again not caring about my feelings. That's cause I'm 60 pds over weight. All he tells me and his friends. He only dates barbies. You're the only fat woman he dated. I've heared it all. I'm so sad hurt. I'm not taking it any more. ????they lied to get you and try to change you and when they hurt by disrespecting you and it doesn't work. They start saying I've cheated on my first wife. I'll never do it to u. Or when I meet you I was dating someone too. So I can walk out. He doesn't know I'm 1 step of doing it. So beauty does matter. When you're on a dating site. They want barbies but they don't look like ken. Theses guys look run down. 1 is 57years old. The other 49 but looks 60. The guy I'm going out right now. He show a guy who walked into his business. And he saw my photo. The man said. Is that your daughter? He said no my new girlfriend. I enjoyed that moment ????????. It hurt his feeling. Now he knows how it feels when u hurt someone feeling.

Edited February 17, 2015 by UrNoKenButUwantaBarbie

[UrNoKenButUwantaBarbie 4]

This is what I look now 60 pds over weight

[gowalking 10,790]

Dating online sucks for me. All I hear you're beautiful, pretty, cute BUT your fat. I've dated 2 guys from online. No more for me. Both knew and saw my pics. That I was 60 pds over weight. I never lied. They were cool with it. When I started dating 1 for 3 years and a ring. All he talk about is I need to lose weight. For 3 years is all he did. And look at younger slim women. I got sick and left.

The 2 guy we been dating for 1 year 3 months and he knew I wasn't slim I told him if u like slim woman. I'm not your girl. He said no it's cool. But when a few weeks of moving in he started. Putting me down looking and talking to young women. From his pass his x. All of them. He walks down the street or any where he looks and tells them hi sweetie. No respect for me. And for 1 year 3 months is all we fight about. Is a big stress in my life. Because I can't go no where he's looking at women. They pass by and he's looking. Looks again not caring about my feelings. That's cause I'm 60 pds over weight. All he tells me and his friends. He only dates barbies. You're the only fat woman he dated. I've heared it all. I'm so sad hurt. I'm not taking it any more. they lied to get you and try to change you and when they hurt by disrespecting you and it doesn't work. They start saying I've cheated on my first wife. I'll never do it to u. Or when I meet you I was dating someone too. So I can walk out. He doesn't know I'm 1 step of doing it. So beauty does matter. When you're on a dating site. They want barbies but they don't look like ken. Theses guys look run down. 1 is 57years old. The other 49 but looks 60. The guy I'm going out right now. He show a guy who walked into his business. And he saw my photo. The man said. Is that your daughter? He said no my new girlfriend. I enjoyed that moment . It hurt his feeling. Now he knows how it feels when u hurt someone feeling.

You need to focus on you right now and get rid of this guy who treats you like crap. Once you are comfortable with knowing you need to be treated like a queen, you won't put up with anything less than that.

I am dating again because I know I look attractive now but even attractive people can allow others to treat them poorly. You need to work on your self esteem. Only then can you understand your worth...no matter what size you are. I make it very clear how I want and expect to be treated and those who are not going to adhere will go away...and I say not fast enough if you don't show me the respect I deserve.

Believe me, I didn't feel this way overnight. I had to lose alot of weight first and then go into therapy. This was a two step process that I've been working on for two years now. I had to change the outside and now I'm focusing on fixing the inside. Good luck sweetie. ...and now I understand why you picked your forum name.

[bikrchk 1,313]

I re-joined my social life 4 years post divorce and 6 months post-sleeve. It's unfortunately true, the online dating world is VERY aesthetically focused, but once I jumped in the pool, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that was sorta true for me as well. Looks mattered less than lifestyle, (I finally realized I needed to be with someone who had some kind of a commitment to his health and could keep up with ME)! Totally agree with what others have said...You go through a lot of duds before you get a stud:). I dated like it was a JOB for like 9 months. Had no luck on eHarmony and limited luck on Match. POF, (free) worked best for me, (could depend on your town too). Finally met a nice guy with the right mix of professional with a rebel soul that I'd like to hang out with for a while. It's been all good 4 months now. I don't know where we're going, but I like where we are now! He's never known me fat, but I was honest about my surgery within the first month. Not a big deal for him at all, in fact, he likes that I'm committed to eat "small". He dropped 50 pounds after his divorce. Says it helps him stay focused on his health goals to be around someone else who is.

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

Don't ever settle. Don't stay with someone who devalues you. You'll never get those years back.

[UrNoKenButUwantaBarbie 4]

I re-joined my social life 4 years post divorce and 6 months post-sleeve. It's unfortunately true, the online dating world is VERY aesthetically focused, but once I jumped in the pool, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that was sorta true for me as well. Looks mattered less than lifestyle, (I finally realized I needed to be with someone who had some kind of a commitment to his health and could keep up with ME)! Totally agree with what others have said...You go through a lot of duds before you get a stud:). I dated like it was a JOB for like 9 months. Had no luck on eHarmony and limited luck on Match. POF, (free) worked best for me, (could depend on your town too). Finally met a nice guy with the right mix of professional with a rebel soul that I'd like to hang out with for a while. It's been all good 4 months now. I don't know where we're going, but I like where we are now! He's never known me fat, but I was honest about my surgery within the first month. Not a big deal for him at all, in fact, he likes that I'm committed to eat "small". He dropped 50 pounds after his divorce. Says it helps him stay focused on his health goals to be around someone else who is.

thank you so much for both comments. ????I'm working on me at this moment. It's about me. And as I'm losing this weight and he's the same. I'm out. But if he change. I know I'll never forget what he put me through.

Edited February 17, 2015 by UrNoKenButUwantaBarbie

[UrNoKenButUwantaBarbie 4]

Don't ever settle. Don't stay with someone who devalues you. You'll never get those years back.

thank you so much. I had my first psychological Dr. evaluation last week. And I really enjoy talking to him. He told me what you girls just told me. And I been opening my eyes. It does take time. I'm taking it slow. He believes these guys have damage my way of thinking. I'm thankful for everyone's comments. ????????❤️

[UrNoKenButUwantaBarbie 4]

Men are men, no matter what country or race they are, they want their women to be slim and not be over weight. Its like this especially in the Indian culture. If I was thin like a decade ago or even in my early 20s, I would have been married by now...sad but true, appearance is the first thing people see no matter where you go even if its for dating, marriage or work.

True. But in Africa is different. The bigger your wife the better. It means your a man with money lmao. True I have a African male friend. And he's always telling me your not fat. If you marry an African man he will send you to gain weight lol. The problem with me is that my preference I like dating American Caucasian. I'm (Hispanic. ) American Puerto Rican. The psychologist told me that caucasian men like thin woman. Hispanic like them as is.

So many years trying to have a relationship with an Caucasian guy .its not working. But I must say that they do try to come back. But I've moved on I have no interest in them any longer.

Edited February 17, 2015 by UrNoKenButUwantaBarbie