female only Romantic Relationship-Secret Surgery-Bad Timing

[Butterflyhigh 504]

So, I've been single (divorced) for about a year now. I made the decision well before the end of my marriage to have VSG. I also made the decision to not get romantically involved with anyone new until well past my surgery when I am completely healed and past the awkward questions stage. I am now two weeks away from my surgery date and have decided to tell NOONE at all about this. Not my family (gossipy backstabbers) nor my close friends (skinny successful dieters who wouldn't understand this drastic choice I'm making).

So what happens a few weeks before surgery? I meet a great guy who is toooootally into me and whom I could get totally into as well. Damnit! This is not part of my mission statement AT ALL. I am not supposed to meet anyone for at least another six months!

How am i going to continue to see this man without telling him about my surgery? And telling him is out of the questions because we have so many shared friends and it's really not fair to ask him to keep such an important secret. I think I can make plausible excuses as to why I'm not eating 'normally' for a few weeks and I can actually disappear for the entire month after surgery because I am vacationing at my summer home to enjoy recovery away from the normal stresses of life.

BUT, what about the several small scars on my tummy? How bad will they look a month later? Will they be inconspicuous if I am naked in a dimly lit room?

Ugh. I HATE that I'm not being honest with people. I really do. But considering the type of people that are around me (mostly my family) I still think keeping it secret is the right thing to do for me personally. However, this new man has made things much more complicated then just disappearing for a month and telling people about my new eating habits.

Soory...there is no question here (except the short scar related questions). Mostly it's just a rant. And I guess it's not really that bad of a rant since my biggest problem is telling the man who is crazy about me that I am having a surgery which many people aren't't lucky enough to have covered by insurance or be able to afford out-of-pocket. First world problems, I know.

[unbesleevable1 420]

Having been through it, there is no way I could have hid it from those close to me. I think that would have added such a level of stress that I could not have dealt with. I know there are a lot of ppl that have concealed the surgery, by telling little white lies... I just don't see that there's anything shameful about having this surgery. My scars are just now starting to fade, but still noticeable. I know this is not what you wanted to hear. I know you are set on keeping it from everyone. For me, it is my secrets that keep me sick.

[Steviefan1 126]

Guess what. You can't control the world. You can only control YOU. I think you are going to be making a big mistake if you don't tell this "great guy". How could you ever have an intimate relationship if you cannot trust him? With a big secret or a little secret, it shouldn't be a secret between the two of you. I know, its still early in your relationship, but think about it, if things progress along, and he finds out your 'secret' at a later date, then it might destroy what you have built. How would you like to find out a 'big secret' too late of his? Cross dresser? A wife and kid? Child molester? If he takes a hike after you tell him, then surly, you will know he wasn't the ONE. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

Edited April 30, 2014 by Steviefan1

[JoJoV23 11]

There is no way to hide this from people closest to you. Your eating is going to change dramatically you have no idea! I told only the people who are closest to me. I didn't want to have to make up lies. It is literally only 6 people who know and I threatened them all not to say a word to anyone.

[Butterflyhigh 504]

I am not surrounded by people who would flip out and then ultimately be understanding and supportive. My family is highly dysfunctional and emotionally abusive. They wait for thing anything possible to happen which can be used against another person and then use it in the meanest manner possible. This will not be hard to hide from them as I avoid them at all cost anyway. Believe me...I have debated the to tell vs not to tell argument for months. It is the safest and least stressful decision to keep this a secret. It is not because I am ashamed of the surgery. It is because I want to safeguard myself from the hurtful and aggressive tactics of my family.

This guy. Having VSG is not like being a cross-dresser, a child molester, or an adulterer. I do not feel like I have any obligation to tell him about this....not at this very early stage of the relationship. And I don't think he should be upset at finding out about this at a later time, assuming the relationship even exists at a later time. Why would I share a very close-kept secret with a man who is only a *potential* future boyfriend? It's not like I am keeping STD information secret, or am not being honest about an illness or disease that could create challenges or negative affects to him. This is an elective and pro-active procedure to combat obesity. And, if things do get serious...if we do enter into a committed and serious relationship, of course I would tell him about this surgery. I have no plans to keep secrets from my spouse, but at the moment he is just some great guy that I have interest in. That's it.

But what about scars?? How long did it take for them to loose their angry red appearance and fade into a less noticeable one??

[piercedqt78 658]

Next week is my 1 year post-op and after a warm shower my scars are still fairly dark, but I'm really super pale. I was/am willing to tell anyone about my surgery. But if I had to hide it I would go with the gall bladder or hernia route, if they take the gall bladder, (some surgeons do) then just say that, if not hernia. Both would cause the same type of scars, and a gradual return to a normal diet. Some doctors have a 6-8 week post-op diet, how will you explain that everything you are eating must be soft, not drinking with meals and the tiny portions? I know that even when I was doing extreme dieting I ate at least 3 times what I was able to eat in the first several months post-op. You might be able to explain, the scars, and the type of food, but if we eat out even now a year later most of the time it looks like I haven't even touched my food.

[NMJG 1,266]

Keep your secrets. It is no one's business but your own. I would certainly wait and see if you are even still together in a month or two. You may have a different view then.

As far as eating out, tell him you are dieting and would prefer to do other things than eat a meal while you get to know each other.

Scars: don't say anything and don't worry about them. It is highly doubtful that will even catch his eye if you naked LOL. They are quite small an fade well.

Edited May 2, 2014 by NMJG

[PRINCESSM 210]

Omission is better than all out lying... Easier to justify and explain.

[Kquinn 17]

I totally understand where you are coming from with wanting to keep it from him. If you guys are just friends and not anything serious then it's not his business to know right now if you don't want to tell him. But I also think if he starts asking questions about why you're doing certain things, I think lying to him isn't the way to go. If he truly is a great guy and the right one for you he will understand and be respectful of your decision to have the surgery. If at a later time you tell him you had the surgery and he ask why you didn't tell him when you were having it you could easily say that you guys were just getting to know each other and this was such a personal matter you wanted to wait until you guys got closer before you told. I don't think that Hiding this surgery is anything at all like him hiding that he's a child molester!!!! I've told my family and my close friends about it but I haven't told my work whaT type of surgery I'm having and I don't plan on telling my friends that I hang out with once in a while. Partly because I'm embarrassed that this is what it's come to but mostly because I don't want their judgmental thoughts and options. I am making this decision for me not for anyone else so I don't care what they have to say about it. I don't even what to hear it. I think by telling my close friends and family (who have all been so supportive) will bring me more success. Having their support is a great feeling!!

As for the scars... I'm still pre-op so I don't know how quickly they will fade. I think it's different for everyone though because everyone's body heals differently and show scars differently.

[CrazyJaney 775]

I'm two months post. I've told a handful of close friends and family. I do NOT enjoy talking about it with a few of those that I've told because of their dysfunction so I understand your rationale. I chose not to tell many coworkers. I didn't tell preop because I didn't want to listen to the negative feedback and waited to the last min to tell my mom who is a very anxious person. Post op, I have started to get quite a bit of attention, not all of it wanted. I hate keeping it from people but I truly don't want coworkers focusing on it (which they would). People are stupid with their comments about weight loss. Just tell me I look great and move on. Don't be nosey and ask specifics unless we have a true friendship. With that said, the scars are the least of your worries. You can say it's a gall bladder and the scars will be nearly identical. But your food consumption is going to change drastically and your body is going to change drastically. You have no idea how little you will eat yet. Your life is pretty organized around eating and drinking on schedule for a while. It gets more "normal" but unless he's blind, he's gonna wonder why you're eating so little. I'm more forthcoming about surgery post op. Truly, I just didn't want all the negative comments to screw with my decision and I truly believe ITS NO ONES BUSINESS BUT MINE! But..... I'm finding I care less and less of what others think and do. I don't know what right for you. I just know that so many things are in our control (like what we put in our mouth) but even more is out of our control. I wish you luck. This forum is great for support but I'm glad I had a few close friends to lean on when I was tired, at a plateau and frustrated. One or two cheerleaders are really helpful! Maybe he's one of them. You don't have to tell him anything yet.

[Jacqueline Marie 73]

Here is my story: I met my fiance a month and half before my surgery. My surgery was private other than my father/ mother/ and sister in law knowing. At first I didn't know if the relationship was going to be serious or not, but we went out on dates... dinner being one of them.. they see how you eat. THAT is going to change, HE will have questions.. I didn't tell him at first because I didn't want him to judge me at all, and didn't want him telling anyone. Then we started having sex. HE sees my body, he sees every mark, and then I think WTF is going to happen if this gets even more serious... It starts to eat at you!! I saw it this way, do I see a future with this man? Do I see this being something that lasts? YES... so after one of my dr appointments he asked why I was going to the dr so much and I told him. HE smiled and said he supported every choice that I made, and it wasn't his secret to tell. And it has been that way since. You really need to think about where your relationship with the guy is going to go... if you see it going further and serious... be honest. He is going to have to help you with your adjustments as well, and can be more understanding of your changes.

[MKCMom 17]

But what about scars?? How long did it take for them to loose their angry red appearance and fade into a less noticeable one??

I am two months post-op and 4 of my 5 scars are faded enough that they don't look new. They are still visible, but don't jump out at you. I do have one that took longer to heal and it is still fairly visible and red. I think there is no way to predict how they will heal.

How exciting to meet a great guy! If the relationship progresses, you will need to tell him at some point, but I don't know that he needs to know right now. I also kept my surgery private; only my husband knows.

[ladykatie_ 117]

I'm gonna have to say that the scars are scars. They're gonna be there forever, whether they're super noticeable or not. As someone said earlier, everybody is different and heals differently.

I have to commend you on keeping in such a secret. Best of luck to you in your endeavor!

[Butterflyhigh 504]

Very good points here!

I've decided that this is just not a good time in my life to become romantically involved with anyone. My surgery is quickly approaching and the seriousness of the journey I am about to embark on has settled in. I want to focus on Me. I feel like I need to go into hibernation mode for the next couple of months, heal and recover, and adjust to my new life with the sleeve. And I need to do this alone. I am just 11 days away from surgery. Keeping this a secret from my family and friends is already hard enough. I can't add another person into the mix.

Ah well. It's been a fun couple of weeks! But now it's time to buckle down and get ready for this Huge event in my life.

[Msmimi 63]

I am not surrounded by people who would flip out and then ultimately be understanding and supportive. My family is highly dysfunctional and emotionally abusive. They wait for thing anything possible to happen which can be used against another person and then use it in the meanest manner possible. This will not be hard to hide from them as I avoid them at all cost anyway. Believe me...I have debated the to tell vs not to tell argument for months. It is the safest and least stressful decision to keep this a secret. It is not because I am ashamed of the surgery. It is because I want to safeguard myself from the hurtful and aggressive tactics of my family.

This guy. Having VSG is not like being a cross-dresser, a child molester, or an adulterer. I do not feel like I have any obligation to tell him about this....not at this very early stage of the relationship. And I don't think he should be upset at finding out about this at a later time, assuming the relationship even exists at a later time. Why would I share a very close-kept secret with a man who is only a *potential* future boyfriend? It's not like I am keeping STD information secret, or am not being honest about an illness or disease that could create challenges or negative affects to him. This is an elective and pro-active procedure to combat obesity. And, if things do get serious...if we do enter into a committed and serious relationship, of course I would tell him about this surgery. I have no plans to keep secrets from my spouse, but at the moment he is just some great guy that I have interest in. That's it.

But what about scars?? How long did it take for them to loose their angry red appearance and fade into a less noticeable one??

Wow your family sounds like my family and that's sad that they are like that. I am only telling my hubby and kids that's it