Awakening / Fear of Being Seen

[HumanMerelyBeing 287]

If you are like me, then you will understand what I mean when I say that I have been hiding for many years and that I have a deep-seated fear of "being seen." I have been carefully nuturing my very private, unknowable identity for a long time. You won't find photos of me out there, you won't find strong opinions or frequent posts on Facebook, you won't be able to Google search me with any success, you won't find people in my life outside of my husband and children who know things about me--including that I've had WLS. I protect my name, location, my face, my body and my deep self in this way. Even my presence here on this site is secret in that I am just my words and nothing more.

The question is, which came first - does the fear cause the weight or does the weight cause the fear?

Some may think that the fear of "being seen and known" would cause one to physically shrink, but in our society it is the overweight that become truly invisible. This is one of the payoffs of being heavy. Anytime I have lost weight in the past, the comments, compliments and questions from others as I lose has been unbearable and undoubtedly one of the (several) complicated triggers that has caused regain.

Enter WLS. I am losing weight. I am fully committed - physically and emotionally. People are starting to notice. I am feeling uncomfortable feelings. I am awakening. I do not have food as my comforter, that which dulls the senses and self-medicates against too much reality. That which stuffs down feelings and dreams and ambitions.

Awakening means dealing with these dreams and ambitions. Becoming smaller means being noticed, being judged. It's amazing how many people are more comfortable and satisfied with us while we are fat. We are non-threatening, just a nearly invisible enormous person: just how they like us.

Do I have a magic solution to this challenge of identity and weight? Nothing particularly tidy.

Except this time, I have my own strong will. I have a different approach to self talk. I am determined to be so brave. I am committed to feel and not be afraid. I am going to allow myself to be judged (could we really stop it anyway??) and realize that it will not kill me. I will still wake up the next morning and be myself with my own life and my own needs and my own goals.

I will awaken.

[Ginger Snaps 1,323]

I agree with the invisibility... I get that feeling frequently -- like the general public just doesn't even see me there.

Wishing you wild success through this journey!

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
― Nelson Mandela

[sophie'sChoice 269]

I understand. I really do. On this site I have a picture of my cat. Even my name on this site reflects hers and not mine. When I went to the no kill shelter she picked me to take her home.....ergo I wAs Sophie's choice. It feels "safe" that way. On Facebook you will find no pictures of me and everyone knows not to tag me when I am in the photo. I'm safe. Unfortunately my career puts me out in front of people....and I feel conspicuous. I hate that feeling, I would rather be invisible. It keeps me from eating out in public and going to lots of social events. In the past, when I would lose weight and start to get compliments I would be uncomfortable and eventually I would go back to the rotund me.

This time it's different. I've had enough of sitting on the sidelines and being benched while life goes by...I want in the game!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

My situation was different because I had a high visibility job and an outgoing personality even when i was obese. However, I was "sexually invisible" meaning not really feminine or ever portrayed myself as the least bit attractive.

It probably doesn't matter what came first - the obesity or the invisibility - but now is the time to face it as you are wisely doing. When I was young, I regained weight after reaching goal because I could not deal with the attention. I would fear regain if I had those sort of emotions now.

I am seeing a counselor and she has said a few very helpful things. One of them is to remind me that there were times in my life that I was very vulnerable, I did have reasons to be frightened/hiding/etc but that isn't the case anymore. This is growth, to find a new way of thinking and feeling that fits your current life, not how things used to be. I am strong, independent and don't need to hide or minimize myself anymore.

[BigGirlPanties 957]

Loving the comments...I think most of us that have had weight issue work under the invisible cloak... I was the one that watched the purses and was designated driver whenever I went out with friends...a role I was fine in playing... but not anymore (well, I'll still be designated driver)...

I have found that with this new tool, it has bolstered my own inner confidence... can't say why, exactly, but I feel more empowered and in charge this time around!

[beeteroo 166]

I've had problems with this when I've lost weight in the past. When people started to notice I became very uncomfortable. I have to wonder if this is one of the reasons I've never been able to keep the weight off.....that and I'm a hungry person! People treat you differently when you are obese. I remember going out with my friends when I was single and the men always flirted with them and I was always ignored. Maybe I just got used to being ignored and it became comfortable.

Edited April 26, 2014 by beeteroo

[Comfy_Blue 285]

I know exactly what you mean. The best way to describe it is like I'm going through a second adolescence. All these wonderful, new changes are happening to my body, but it's taking my mind awhile to adjust and catch up

When I was fat, I HATED my body with a passion, but it also felt like armor. No one paid much attention to me, men didn't flirt with me, I wasn't a threat to other women and there was a whole community of people I could connect with over our shared fatness.

Now I feel like a fat woman in a thin woman's body. The way people treat me now is so different. Co workers listen to me. Men flirt with me. People are nicer to me at the store. More people try to make conversation and are generally friendlier. Other people who used to be comfortable with me are now standoffish.

I also feel a bit vulnerable because my body used to be all warm and snug with lots of padding to keep me cushy and safe. Now I'm cold/cool more often than not and I can see/feel bones emerging that I had forgotten I had like the bone in my wrist, or when I lean to one side, I can feel my rib cage.

[menjaz 35]

OMG..I thought I was the only invisible over-weight (fat) person. When ever I walk around with my sister (and best friend), everyone makes eye contact with her and ignores me. It always makes me feel so ugly. Even worse...people always think I'm my sister's mother! She's only 4 years younger than me. This is one of my driving forces for my weight loss. I want people to think I'm the younger sister!

[beeteroo 166]

I know exactly what you mean. The best way to describe it is like I'm going through a second adolescence. All these wonderful, new changes are happening to my body, but it's taking my mind awhile to adjust and catch up When I was fat, I HATED my body with a passion, but it also felt like armor. No one paid much attention to me, men didn't flirt with me, I wasn't a threat to other women and there was a whole community of people I could connect with over our shared fatness. Now I feel like a fat woman in a thin woman's body. The way people treat me now is so different. Co workers listen to me. Men flirt with me. People are nicer to me at the store. More people try to make conversation and are generally friendlier. Other people who used to be comfortable with me are now standoffish. I also feel a bit vulnerable because my body used to be all warm and snug with lots of padding to keep me cushy and safe. Now I'm cold/cool more often than not and I can see/feel bones emerging that I had forgotten I had like the bone in my wrist, or when I lean to one side, I can feel my rib cage.

That's a huge transformation. I hope it gets easier for you. I'm guessing you'll get used to your new body. It's hard to change your body image. I've never ever been thin so I'm very nervous about how I will react to the attention. Just keep smiling and try to see what everyone else is seeing in you!

[LisaRu 17]

Wow! I could have written your post! As I have gained weight I have pulled back socially over the years. I was a thin person at one time 115 -130 over a long period of time. I was out going and clearly see the difference in my self and my ways. One of my odd goals once I have the surgery, is to have my kids stand next to me in a pic instead of in front of me! Oh the joy of the small things!

[HumanMerelyBeing 287]

@Comfey_Blue: Ah yes, we are not a threat to other women when we are heavy. This is an intriguing and very present dynamic!

[MAJIQUE 36]

I had lots of dates in college and I did get married too. The divorce was my choice and not weight related. I lost interest in men for a while and it seemed by the time I was interested again I was fat and no one was interested in me. I was 300lbs and invisible. Imagine. Now a lot of years have passed and I know I can do fine alone. I cannot WAIT to tell someone "if you didn't WANT the butter bean, you can't HAVE the string bean".

[Comfy_Blue 285]

@Comfey_Blue: Ah yes, we are not a threat to other women when we are heavy. This is an intriguing and very present dynamic!

I know right. Our thinner friends also become threatened. I think some people are so comfortable with us fat that when we become thin they fear we won't be the same anymore, when what really is happening (at least in my case) is that when I became fat, I became less of who I really was. As I've lost weight, I've been regaining the confidence I once had.

That's a huge transformation. I hope it gets easier for you. I'm guessing you'll get used to your new body. It's hard to change your body image. I've never ever been thin so I'm very nervous about how I will react to the attention. Just keep smiling and try to see what everyone else is seeing in you!

Thanks Beeteroo. I promise the attention won't be that bad. I'm just a very shy, naturally self conscious person, so being noticed always makes me feel a little uneasy. As long as the attention isn't malicious (ie: I had a co-worker say kinda nastily to me, "So how much weight have you lost ANYWAY?") then I don't mind it too much.

The people who I am around most often (my husband, coworkers and parents) aren't bad because they see me everyday, so my weight loss hasn't been as shocking. Don't get me wrong they do notice and comment, but not excessively.

The only time I get tons of attention is when it's someone who hasn't seen me in a long time because their last mental picture of me was so much heavier or if someone meets me and then either hears from someone else that I lost weight or sees an old picture of me.

I'm going on a tangent. This isn't about me, but you. You are going to be fine, I promise.