A Jealous Friend

[Healthier2day1227 326]

I really don't know how to handle my best friend, after she told me last week that she was jealous of my weight loss and my surgery. She and I have been friends for ten years, I have been obese the whole time up until recently. I've lost 115 pounds since Jan of 2013. My surgery was last June. All that being said, my best friend was one of the only people I've confided in. This whole time I've thought she's been supportive but come to find out it's just been a competition for her. She has always been mostly thin but would like to lose 10 pounds. She will compliment me and follow up the compliment with wow what size are those jeans they look amazing! Or you've gotta be in the 170s by now etc. making me think she was a safe person to discuss weight loss with. Last month I noticed some catty remarks like wow you are thinner than me now. I'm happy for you though. Or we went shopping and I tried on some capris and she said those will look good in about 15 more pounds when you lose the muffin top. So last week she called me in tears and said she's jealous of my loss and she feels it's a competition and that she is so jealous I've had surgery. My response was don't be jealous that I was so overweight that I required surgery to help correct it. I then said I hope I didn't do anything to cause you to feel this way. She assured me the problem lies in her, not me. But I sort of wish she had confided these emotions to another friend of hers, because I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with this information. For one, I have not discussed anything even remotely related to weight loss since we've had that conversation. I certainly don't want to rub her face in it and I don't feel like she's celebrating my health just comparing and despairing. I just feel really bad about the whole situation. Has anyone else experienced anything similar and what did you do?

[Ageekygal 38]

At least she confided in you that she feels jealous. It would be much worse if she didn't. She is also taking responsibility for her feelings and saying its not your fault (which it isn't). She is being honest with you and not hiding it. Be grateful of that and try to work through your friendship and help each other. Its a big adjustment for her as she is so used to being the "skinny one" in the friendship--we all have our roles and it's just changing a bit. It will be better if you both talk more and work through it together. Wonderful job loosing weight

Edited April 21, 2014 by Ageekygal

[daisy2355 10]

I had something similar happen to me so I know how you feel. My best friend for about 15 years and godmother of my son said something similar to me. I recently had the surgery (2 weeks ago) and another friend of hers had it about a year and a half ago and her sister in law had it almost a year ago. Out of the four of us my friend was the thinnest although she was overweight and I'm not much bigger than her. Last weekend we were at a birthday party and when I asked her if she wanted a cupcake that my son brought over to me which I of course could not eat she said no because she was on a diet. I was shocked because she's never on a diet. She then proceeded to tell me in front of her other friend who also had the surgery that she was now on a diet because with all of us getting surgery there was no way she was going to be the "fat one" now. At the moment I laughed but later felt bad about her comment because then I realized that although we were both overweight she always felt like she was ok because she was the "thin " one which meant that even to my BFF I was the fat friend. That kind of hurt but like the previous person mentioned I was glad that she is my friend and said this to my face rather than to be thinking this and basically working against me behind my back. From now on I will not share details of my weight loss with her. My success will be obvious so I don't need to rub her face in it and deep inside I will be happy in the end when I am the "thin" one and if she can't handle it well that's on her. I never compared myself as the thin or the fat one with my friends but if that's the way she chooses to see it then so be it. Those are her feelings and she will have to deal with it. So to you I will do the same. Find someone else to confide in about your weight loss journey so that when you do speak to them you don't have to think in the back of your head is she feeling hurt or jealous right now?..

[Healthier2day1227 326]

Thank you both for your input. I do think it's true that it is an adjustment for everyone in our lives, and honestly I would probably feel a little jealous too if I were in her shoes. I'm just not going to talk about those things with her, I'll stick to telling my boyfriend or Mom.

[katesuccess 990]

Hi Healthier2be, I know it may not feel this way, but your friend being honest with you about why she was the way she was is a complement and her honesty May be a sign of how much she values the friendship, even if she can't stop herself from feeling jealous right now. Instead of not talking about weight issues with her anymore, how about returning the favor and asking her how YouTube can best keep up the wonderful friendship you have had without making things worse or weird? "Would you rather I not talk about my weight loss?" Or "I promise not to talk about it nonstop but do you want to hear when I have those non-scale victories that feel important to me?, or is it better if I just don't mention that part of my life?" something like that--because this may be a deepening to your friendship to work through this, rather than diminishing it. I feel like real friends who are willing to do the self- work on their own issues are such a rare thing. And you also have every right to your own feelings and appropriate sense of self protection in this. I hope you too can find that wonderful common ground of easy friendship again.

[Healthier2day1227 326]

Hi Healthier2be, I know it may not feel this way, but your friend being honest with you about why she was the way she was is a complement and her honesty May be a sign of how much she values the friendship, even if she can't stop herself from feeling jealous right now. Instead of not talking about weight issues with her anymore, how about returning the favor and asking her how YouTube can best keep up the wonderful friendship you have had without making things worse or weird? "Would you rather I not talk about my weight loss?" Or "I promise not to talk about it nonstop but do you want to hear when I have those non-scale victories that feel important to me?, or is it better if I just don't mention that part of my life?" something like that--because this may be a deepening to your friendship to work through this, rather than diminishing it. I feel like real friends who are willing to do the self- work on their own issues are such a rare thing. And you also have every right to your own feelings and appropriate sense of self protection in this. I hope you too can find that wonderful common ground of easy friendship again.

Thank you your words really resonated with me. I will have that conversation with her rather than making a decision on her behalf. I do value our friendship and don't want it to be damaged because of this.

[pinkbarbie 101]

Hi Healthier2be, I know it may not feel this way, but your friend being honest with you about why she was the way she was is a complement and her honesty May be a sign of how much she values the friendship, even if she can't stop herself from feeling jealous right now. Instead of not talking about weight issues with her anymore, how about returning the favor and asking her how YouTube can best keep up the wonderful friendship you have had without making things worse or weird? "Would you rather I not talk about my weight loss?" Or "I promise not to talk about it nonstop but do you want to hear when I have those non-scale victories that feel important to me?, or is it better if I just don't mention that part of my life?" something like that--because this may be a deepening to your friendship to work through this, rather than diminishing it. I feel like real friends who are willing to do the self- work on their own issues are such a rare thing. And you also have every right to your own feelings and appropriate sense of self protection in this. I hope you too can find that wonderful common ground of easy friendship again.

You took the words right out of my keypad.