Need advice on how to tell my mom to quit the rude LB remarks

[BRANDYK 0]

Hey guys. I have two more months to go until my band and I can't wait. I'm having a SERIOUS issue with my mother about the band. When I initially told my family and my boyfriend, everyone was naturally voicing a lot of concern about complications, etc. My boyfriend finally calmed down after a week or so and said he'd support this decision because he saw how important it was to me. My mother on the other hand has not stopped making "digs" at me for the past few months. Now I wish I'd waited until two days before the surgery to tell her. At first she just kept making it sound like she was just concerned about complications and the fact that I'm a self pay so any complications would be extra $$ I'd have to spend. Now she's making comments to make me feel like I'm taking the "easy" way out and it's REALLY starting to make me sad and hurt. My mom of all people should understand why I'm doing this. I'm six foot one, and I'm at about 280, so I easily need to lose just over a hundred pounds. She's five foot eight, and she's always been on diets, etc. She's the heaviest she's ever been in her life right now, she needs to lose about 40 pounds. What do I say to her to make her stop making these hurtful remarks? I was over there for Easter Sunday and while we were in the livingroom a commercial came on for the band and she said "yeah that's the EASY way out". I started to argue with her and decided to ignore it. I don't want to avoid going over to see her, but I can't take this anymore. My little sister (who by the way is skinny and gorgeous) thinks mom actually might be a little jealous that I'm brave enought to do the band. Mom would never do something like that, she's too scared of surgery and things of that nature. Any suggestions on how to deal with this?

[Wendell Edwards 73]

"Dear Mom,

I want your support for me saving my life with this surgery, and if you cannot or will not support me, I will have to stop seeing you and talking with you.

Love,

Me"

[lisah25 3]

I like Wendell's idea!

Most likely, you won't be able to stop her remarks. So what you really need to decide is how much power to give them. I think your decision very likely does tap into some of her issues with her body, but that's her problem.

Do you on any level think you are indeed taking the easy way out? Or is it that you want support from her, not jabs?

[ReneBean 3]

Yes, initially I thought maybe she was making remarks and didn't KNOW that they were hurtful - but the Easy Way Out comment pretty much negates that benefit of the doubt.

Just tell her to knock it off, or she will be seeing a lot less of you sooner, rather than later.

:]

[louise162 0]

I think your Mom's problems are down to her insecurities about her weight. She's probably been consoling herself over the years with the thought that at least she's smaller than you. Well that's not going to be the case for much longer is it?

I think you just need to tell her how hurtful she's being and that you are doing this for the benefit of your health. As a mother she should understand that!

[babylovestoys 1]

Obviously, mom's buttons got pushed. I agree with Wendell. Be upfront with her. By the way, this isn't the "easy way out."

[marjon9 6]

I'm with those who have a less forgiving attitude toward mom. It would be nice if we all had supportive, understanding, sane and loving moms, but we don't. I certainly didn't.

I think we are trained to believe that we are obligated to accept a lot of sick crap from our parents because we somehow "owe" them. I think there are some pretty short limits to that obligation. Just because someone is your parent does not give them the right to inflict pain on you, either physically or through psychological means.

All of this may be attributable to some deep-seated insecurity in mom. I hope she gets the help she needs. But it is not your problem right now. You don't need someone giving you grief about this decision, either now, or later. (The "easy way out" comments will not necessarily stop after surgery). If you can find a way to avoid giving mom's comments "power" over you, then great, but that can be pretty hard to do. Moms know just exactly how to get to us.

I would use Wendell's approach, either through a letter or in person. And then, I'd really stick to it. I think it's time to take a break from mom.

[BRANDYK 0]

I think you guys are all on the right path. I'm gonna have to decide not to let her bother me or hurt me, or I'm just gonna have to tell her to shut up. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom to death, and we usually have a pretty good relationship, but this issue is making me really almost hate her. I'm miserable in the shape I'm in right now, and I KNOW this isn't the easy way out. After reading posts on here and talking to the people at the Dr's office I know this isn't going to be some walk in the park. I'm still going to have to put a lot of effort into getting healthy, the band is just going to be one of my tools to help me get healthy, a tool no different than the treadmill and tae-bo dvds I just bought!!! Thank you guys so much for all the suggestions, I was starting to think maybe I was being too sensitive but I really don't' think I am

[slikchik10 85]

I don't have my mom giving me grief, but my MiL. Frankly...I don't say anything to her about this unless she now asks. Both my hubby and I have weight issues...which she constantly gives him heck about. So, you'd think that she'd be pleased about the decision...but NOOOO. So, unless your mom asks about it specifically, come here, to the boards and share, discuss, etc.

OH...and I thought that since my best friend had bypass surgery back in Jan that we'd be able to share the experience of the changes. Here too, I've been surprised about the awkwardness of discussing things.

So, what do I mean by all this....find folks that are supportative, whether it's your family or not. Those are the folks that will help you through this. Besides, that's why we all came here in the first place.

[juliegeraci 7]

Personally, I would be very direct with her. This surgery is for you and you alone. Tell her that with or without her support you are moving forward. The band is simply a tool and not the easy way out.

[lrw26 0]

I think I would also be quite direct to her. She is probably somewhat jealous that you are doing it and will look wonderful and be healthy. maybe you can find some articles online that talk about the facts and how it is NOT the easy way out but a helpful tool. I would ask her to read and discuss with you and tell her you don't need the remarks.

[Chris_NJ 9]

I know how you feel. I just received my date today (5/09) and told my family. They are all supportive of me getting it, but with strings attached of course. I get the digs once in awhile also. Example is tonight my father made the comment " I hope this surgery puts a little scare into yah" I was thinking to myself wtf is that supposed to mean? You think I am not scared and thats why I am getting this surgery because I don't want to die young. What I have done is come to the conclusion is that people are just ignorant and think they know everything. They don't though. So I just except that fact and figure I will just defeat them by succeeding with this ind ever. They do love you but are stubborn and scared themselves so this is how they express it.

[katys 0]

I agree with Jack - it sounds like your mom's behavior is born out of ignorance. I would suggest that you give her some research on the band and ask her to read it, so she'll understand what it's all about. And, tell her how you feel about her comments. Another thing that occurs to me, if your mom is at her heaviest and this is only 40 pounds overweight, she really cannot understand where you and the rest of us here are, or have been.

[waterlily1072 5]

No matter how much we love our parents and no matter how much they love us, we are all human and we all have difficulties at times with decisions and issues. Obviously your mom has some sort of issue or fear regarding you having this surgery that she cannot find a way to express any other way than by saying mean things that she hopes will make you change your mind. If you can't handle her issues right now then step away and put some distance between you letting her know why. If you feel strong enough to, sit down with her and ask her to communicate with you her feelings in real words and in sentances starting with I. She needs some help communicating her feelings to you about this surgery. If it were me I would try to help her with that, and make her follow the communication format you set forth, no accusations, no name calling, no negative remarks, just feelings, her feelings. Good luck

[ouachita 0]

Throw this article at her and then tell her that the band is the tool you need to make the necessary lifestyle adjustments to accomplish a life long healthy way of eating and exercise. I agree with the above posters that her issues have more to do with her self image and esteem than you. Possibilities: 1. - She doesn't want her "baby" to grow up and leave her (physically or emotionally); 2. - She feels that as long as you are overweight then SHE isn't in such bad shape, after all she is slimmer than you; 3. - Misery loves company and she wants to keep your company; 4. - She hates change that she didn't initiate; 5. - All of the above plus more.

Tell her that when she is ready to actually do something lasting about changing her lifestyle and getting healthy you will be there for her, because contrary to what she thinks, this ain't the easy way out.

Diets damage health, shows biggest ever study

By FIONA MacRAE - More by this author » Last updated at 12:32pm on 10th April 2007

Comments (39)

The world's largest study of weight loss has shown that diets do not work for the vast majority of slimmers and may even put lives at risk.

</B>More than two-thirds pile the pounds straight back on, raising the danger of heart attack, stroke and diabetes.

Indeed most dieters end up heavier than they did to start with, the researchers found.

They warn this type of yo-yo behaviour is linked to a host of health problems. And they say the strain that repeated weight loss and gain places on the body means most people would have been better off not dieting at all.

The findings follow other research that shows the UK is in the grip of a dieting frenzy, with one in four Britons at any one time trying to lose weight.

The average woman is estimated to lose and gain 251/2 stone during her lifetime - putting on 151/2 stone for the ten stone she loses through dieting. Last night, the U.S. scientists behind the latest research - the most thorough and comprehensive analysis of its kind - said that dieting simply does not work.

The University of California researchers analysed the results of more than 30 studies involving thousands of slimmers.

Although the overview did not name specific weight loss plans, popular diets in recent years include the low carbohydrate, high Protein Atkins diet and the GI diet, which is rich in slow-burning wholegrain carbohydrates.

Pooling the results of the various studies clearly showed that while people do lose weight initially, most quickly put all the pounds back on.

In fact, most people end up weighing more than they did to begin with. Researcher Dr Traci Mann said: "You can initially lost 5 to 10 per cent of your weight on any number of diets.

"But after this honeymoon period, the weight comes back. We found that the majority of people regained all the weight, plus more. Sustained weight loss was found only in a small minority of participants, while complete weight regain was found in the majority."

Dr Mann's research showed that up to two-thirds of dieters put on all the weight they lose - and more - over a four to five-year period. Half of those taking part in one study were more than 11lb heavier five years later, while dieters taking part in another study actually ended up heavier than other volunteers who hadn't tried to lose weight.

A four-year study into the health of 19,000 men revealed that most of those who put on weight had dieted in the years before the start of the study.

Bleak as these figures seem, the true picture could be even worse, as it is thought that most people lie about their weight - and don't like to tell researchers that their weight has started to creep up again.

The analysis, published in the journal American Psychologist, concluded dieters may actually be damaging their health.

Research has shown the repeated rapid weight gain and loss associated with dieting can double the risk of death from heart disease, including heart attacks, and the risk of premature death in general.

Such yo-yo weight loss has also been linked to stroke and diabetes and shown to suppress the immune system, making the body more vulnerable to infection.

Dr Mann said: "We decided to dig up and analyse every study that followed people on diets for two to five years. We concluded most of them would have been better off not going on the diet at all.

"Their weight would have been pretty much the same, and their bodies would not suffer the wear and tear from losing weight and gaining it all back.

"The benefits of dieting are simply too small and the potential harms of dieting are too large for it to be recommended as a safe and effective treatment for obesity."

The psychologist, who advises would-be slimmers to swap calorie-controlled diets for a balanced diet coupled with regular exercise, added: "Exercise may well be the key factor leading to sustained weight loss.

Studies consistently find that people who report the most exercise also have the most weight loss."

The finding comes as Britain fights a rising tide of obesity.

A growing reliance on fast food and time-saving technology has led to the UK developing the worst weight problem in Europe, with almost a quarter of adults classed as obese.

Last night, British experts said that fad diets do not work and that the key to maintaining a healthy weight is making gradual, long-term changes. Dr Beckie Lang, of the Association for the Study of Obesity, said: "Maintaining a healthy weight isn't about going on a diet and coming off a diet when you reach your target weight. It is about adopting skills that change your eating habits for life."

Source: UK Daily Mail (04/10/07)

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=447651&in_page_id=1770&ct=5