After three days I'm still ticked at my husband!

[katesuccess 990]

So, Monday was my 30th wedding anniversary. I'm proud of living and loving through thirty years, and I have a pretty wonderful husband and marriage and two wonderful adult daughters. However, this anniversary really pissed me off and I have to rant a bit. Feedback welcome even though this is a venting sorta rant.

I knew he had no idea for a gift when he asked what the 'traditional' gifts were for that marker - so over lunch one day we looked them up; pearls or diamond. Fine - but I don't expect either of those really. Then I suggested since our anniversary falls during my busy work time, that we plan to take a little three day trip somewhere when we can both get away, and he liked that idea--in that way that says 'sure - if you'll plan it I'll go. Okay...fine.

Our anniversary rolls around a week later and I haven't heard form him all morning about any plans, so I ask where we might go for dinner to Celebrate, not especially feeling like cooking too on top of super busy week. He really didn't have any suggestions, except to agree when I suggested something - so I sent him a link to a place and he made a reservation.

He comes home and while nearly EVERY other year on our anniversary he's brought flowers, even sometimes the ones he proposed with, this time; nada. Then he goes out for a bit walking to the store nearby and comes home with pink tulips. Nice thought--however late it was. Not my fave color, but i like tulips and tell him so. We put them in a vase and head out to dinner.

At dinner, I give him a card and a nice gift (new Fitbit which he'd said he'd like someday). He thanks me, and says he didn't really do anything for me but thought maybe later there would be something I'd need for surgery that I could pick out. (Really?! after 30 years of marriage that would be what - a pair of sweatpants?!) I say it's okay - and that really there's nothing I need for surgery. After dinner we took a walk at my nudging, did a hill climb of stairs to see a nice view, headed home and made love (sorry if TMI here). Still nothing to acknowledge the anniversary really. No card, no little thought gift, zip.

Now I get that i'm huge (285) and have been for far too long. I get that he's like a 'more active intimate life' but once a week is about all I can handle feeling so big. I get that I let him off the hook some with the idea of a later trip. But hello; I do more than my share of keeping this marriage rolling, I earn half the income, I work more hours, and I still cook most of the meals. Why the h*ll couldn't he have at least written a crummy card or something?! Damn!!

I've been thinking another thirty years together was something to look forward to, but this really felt lousy.

End of rant.

Kate

[PdxMan 4,292]

Anniversaries and expectations are a bitch. I know I will fail more often than succeed.

Would you consider letting him read your post?

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Sounds like you should go on a three day girls' weekend with your besties instead of him.

Or punch him in the junk. Your choice.

[Susysleever 265]

So sorry this happened to you (my dh is a big mess up-even his mother says so). I wouldnt go to a jewelry. I'd go to a travel agency..do they still exist)and book a cruise. So you can go during your slow season..and weigh less too!!

[2Big2Skate 328]

Happy anniversary!

You got to 30 years with the man, so there's nothing I can tell you that you dont already know. But when Im mad at my wife for all the dumb crap she does I try to return a small fraction of the grace she's given me for all my dumb crap. Sometimes you just gotta come right out and say "this is one of those times I need the princess treatment" for a guy to get it.

[LindafromFlorida 1,542]

I agree with PDXman! Let him see how you really feel and maybe it won't ever happen again. Congratulations on your Anniversary!

[katesuccess 990]

Thanks so much everyone - your thoughtfulness and responses make me tear up here! Yes, I'll tell him how I feel (thanks PDXMan) or at least some part of it. It's a weakness of women especially (I think anyway) to want to have that feeling of being special or feeling loved without having to ask for it. Somehow that really takes the wind out of the sail for me anyway. I know that's my stuff though and not his. I'm just sad about it I think, and feel unloved and like I don't really matter except for the mechanics of what i do in our lives. Sigh. Not what I want to feel with surgery in 12 days and biggest week of my year right now. But again - my stuff not his. (Though after thirty years, I've sure as heck shared in all HIS stuff - reciprocation would be nice!) Wow, and I thought i was done ranting. Sorry.

I'll let him know after this weekend when I can get some better perspective and maybe a bit more distance from the immediate hurt and sadness. And yes - I'll plan the trip together, but i'm also going to plan some time for me separately for sure. (I'll keep that punch in the junk in my back pocket though LiptickLady--Thanks!).

[lisacaron 5,075]

@@katesuccess I'm sorry, I had to chime in here with my 2 cents after reading both your posts. You are who you are, big or small should not matter, the point is that it matters to you but it is not the reason or an excuse for your husband to make you feel unloved and worse unappreciated.

What I took away from what you wrote is that you do an awful lot in this relationship and you do not get a return on your investment in a way that makes you feel worthy and validated. This is both your fault and your husbands fault. It is his fault for taking you for-granted and your fault for allowing him to take you for-granted because you feel badly about yourself and feel unworthy.

We teach people how to treat us, and if you are not loving yourself and appreciating yourself then you are showing your husband and everyone else around you that you don't require love and appreciation, and that you will do all you do anyway. So they take advantage because you basically have a sign up that says please make me feel badly I only feel worthy when you make me feel worthless.

Kate, you are beautiful and you deserve to be happy and treated like the amazing person that you are. 30 years is nothing to sneeze at, and your hubby should have at least gotten you a card and made you feel special on that day as he did the day he married you. That's what an anniversary is about. It's great to take a trip at a later date, but it is that date, that moment that marks that special moment for the two of you as no one else can.

Clear, honest and open communication is the key to a happy relationship. That is true for husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, daughters, sons, and most of all and more importantly with ourselves! Be honest with how you are feeling, take a deep breath, cry if you have to and then go and tell your husband how you feel and see if together you can do a little healing.

Best of luck to you on your upcoming surgery!!

[Jersrose43 837]

At first I read this and then thought this could be my husband writing this. We r at 20. I said I would like a 3 day trip somewhere. Vegas or AC or Quebec. Whatever go figure it out, book it and fill me in. Yep he can book it.

I thought it was fine and I didn't plan anything that night. I made dinner, nothing special, we ate after kids went to bed but that's it.

He brought home flowers card etc and I got pissd off. Yep u heard it. I was pissed.

Yes it was nice and romantic but we agreed a 3 day trip so why the expense and waste of flowers etc. A gift. I mean I thought we communicated here.

And you immediately jump to the fact it's because of your weight? Why ? I didn't read any of his actions or non action to do with that at all.

His reason was because he can and he wanted to. So ok I could've also but I didn't. He wasn't overly hurt. He told me a card would've been nice. I said on the AC trip you'll get a card and then some.

I think you need to talk.

[Jersrose43 837]

At first I read this and then thought this could be my husband writing this. We r at 20. I said I would like a 3 day trip somewhere. Vegas or AC or Quebec. Whatever go figure it out, book it and fill me in. Yep he can book it.

I thought it was fine and I didn't plan anything that night. I made dinner, nothing special, we ate after kids went to bed but that's it.

He brought home flowers card etc and I got pissd off. Yep u heard it. I was pissed.

Yes it was nice and romantic but we agreed a 3 day trip so why the expense and waste of flowers etc. A gift. I mean I thought we communicated here.

And you immediately jump to the fact it's because of your weight? Why ? I didn't read any of his actions or non action to do with that at all.

His reason was because he can and he wanted to. So ok I could've also but I didn't. He wasn't overly hurt. He told me a card would've been nice. I said on the AC trip you'll get a card and then some.

I think you need to talk.

[Jersrose43 837]

At first I read this and then thought this could be my husband writing this. We r at 20. I said I would like a 3 day trip somewhere. Vegas or AC or Quebec. Whatever go figure it out, book it and fill me in. Yep he can book it.

I thought it was fine and I didn't plan anything that night. I made dinner, nothing special, we ate after kids went to bed but that's it.

He brought home flowers card etc and I got pissd off. Yep u heard it. I was pissed.

Yes it was nice and romantic but we agreed a 3 day trip so why the expense and waste of flowers etc. A gift. I mean I thought we communicated here.

And you immediately jump to the fact it's because of your weight? Why ? I didn't read any of his actions or non action to do with that at all.

His reason was because he can and he wanted to. So ok I could've also but I didn't. He wasn't overly hurt. He told me a card would've been nice. I said on the AC trip you'll get a card and then some.

I think you need to talk.

[Ginger Snaps 1,323]

I agree with 2big2skate... You could probably give many of us (me especially) advice on relationships. I'm hoping you can work this out quickly, learn to stand up for yourself in a more healthy way and that your surgery is wildly successful! He can buy you some beautiful clothes in a smaller size for that trip!

Best wishes!

[Bandista 7,466]

He's intimidated. You're beautiful, he's crazy about you and he knows for damn sure he was going to screw this up. So he did. I'm married to a version of that man. He loves me, has loved me through ups and downs, doesn't care about the weight but happy if I'm happy. We are the lucky ones. But yes, we'd like some one who could plan his way out of a paper bag once in a while!

[kimk1999 450]

I am not blaming you at all, but you might have given him the allowance that you didn't want gifts, flowers, etc and you'll do the trip instead. As you know by being married for 30 years, guys and girls do not seem to speak the same language.

If you're subtle about what you want, they'll miss the hints. If you're subtle about letting them not do something they won't miss that at all. You have to constantly nag to get what you want or at least I've had to do that. I was married for 10 years but have been divorced for 4. It's so frustrating when you think you're clear with expectations but they didn't get the message.

Maybe check with him to see if he's ok. Maybe he's nervous about your surgery and doesn't know how to tell you. Are they downsizing and he was afraid to tell you (is he nervous about job security)? Maybe he had a really bad day/week at work but didn't want to complain due to the anniversary.

Focus on your surgery. Plan your trip. I wish you the best!!

[endless80 697]

That's okay, my significant other ignored my birthday. Just ignored it. Wished me a happy birthday in the morning, I was out of state and traveled home that day to spend the evening and nothing. Not a card, not a gift, not anything. 3 days later I brought it up because it was starting to bug me at that point.

The birthday was made up to me later AFTER I said something about it and a year later I'm still a little salty about it every time I think about it for too long.

We're all inherently flawed.