The final lie...

[~c~ 1]

As some of you know i have been having marriage problems.My husband lies to me whenever he needs to at my expense.

This past Saturday he told me he was going to a golf resort with

2 couples from work.I jokingly asked if J would be there and he said no.I am the jealous type.

Yesterday i went to pick him up from work and J was outside having a cig so i went and spoke with her.She told me all about the fun golf week end they had!

I told my husband that i want to be separated.It's not even that he went golfing with the other 2 couples and her even if they are ONLY friends...it's the bold face lies!

I have no trust and no patience left for him.

We have 2 kids who are 5 and 3 and they will be heartbroken but i just cannot stand to be treated this way any more.

I am scared

Chantal

[Vera 7]

I am so sorry you have to go through this. Obviously his family does not come first. You and your family are the most important in this world.

If you do not have trust you have nothing.

A lot of things are going through your mind right now.

Please come and talk we will listen. Take care of yourself!

[Penni60 45]

Chantal: My heart goes out to you. THere is nothing as devastating as being betrayed by the person you thought you could trust. My advice, take it or leave it, is to confront both her and him about the relationship. Approach it that you KNOW it is going on.

Keep coming back to talk. That is what kept me sane through my ordeal.

[blossom 2]

Oh, I am so sorry! I'm in no position to give you any advice, but I just want you to know that my heart goes out to you and your kids. If you need to talk, we're hear to listen.

[GeezerSue 7]

Chantal,

Obese women often have very low self-esteem and will often settle for far less than decent treatment because they think that even an emotionally abusive man is better than no man.

When you get to the point that YOU believe that you DO NOT DESERVE emotionally abusive treatment, you will throw his ass out. Until then, you REALLY need at least a visit--alone--with an attorney, who will advise you how to arrange your life so that IF /WHEN a divorce occurs, you will not be abused financially. However, my thinking is that if he was at a golf resort and you were home with the kids, you're already being abused financially. Get your mind out of the "separation until he comes to his senses" mode, because when your mind is there, your future is on hold.

One more thing. "J" is not his "friend." If they were "just friends," he would have no reason to lie to about who was going. He will SAY that he lies because you are insanely jealous. WRONG. He lies because he is a liar and has something to hide.

The little girl in you is fearing abandonment. Give her a hug and let the grown-up in you make an appointment with an attorney. And, if he can afford a golf resort, you can afford an attorney.

[nightingale2u 42]

Oh Chantal... I have so been where you are right now and my heart goes out to you. I was terrified when I made the decision to leave my husband. My daughter was 3 at the time and my husband was also a compulsive liar even through marriage counseling. Yes it is frightening... yes it is lonely at times... yes it is hard to make a decision and stick with it and ignore emotional tugs on your heart... BUT... in time... the fear is replaced with courage... the lonliness is replaced with an ability to be content with oneself and the opportunity to really know that person... and the emotional tugs are replaced with the ability to see another without rose colored glasses and let go. I know have a reasonable relationship with my EX... and I have worked hard to make sure she is not a witness to any hard feelings between us. Sending you ((((hugs)))) and hoping you know that you can share your feelings here... regardless of what your final decision is.

Darcy

[Iluvharleys 15]

Honey, I have been there too. I honestly believe that when the trust is gone, so is the relationship. I had a very abusive husband, and I stayed with him because I thought the boys needed a dad around. Things only got worse, and then he started on the boys too, and that day I walked out. It was hard, and things got harder, but in the end, it was all worth it to me. The boys acutally ask me why I stayed? When I told them because of them they said it was the worse thing I could have done. I know that now, but it is hard to see when you are involved. I am not saying for one minute that you need to divorce him, nor am I saying you need to stay. Please think things through and decide what is best for you and for your children. Do you have some partents that can help you? Do you have any plans? Will he let you live in the house with the children? If you decide to go ahead with this, then please go see a lawyer, at least start arranging to receive some child support. Give yourself some alone time to really think things through. And, one more thing you need to realize. Someone gave me this advice when I went through mine: when you get a divorce, it is the same as a death, you will do the morning and everything. You are actually ending a part of your life, and it is about the same as a death. I think that advice really helped me learn to put the whole thing behind me and look to the future. I now have a great husband, and I am very happy. Good Luck to you! Please keep us posted and if you need to talk just let us know.

Hugs!

Betty

[~c~ 1]

I wish i could be in a room with all of you around me!

I feel sick,i can't eat and i am near tears!And it was my decision!

When i told him yesterday he said ok,seemed kinda sad and then he went to finish watching his tv show...

kinda told me the whole story!

Better now than 10 years from now!

I know i deserve better and that is exactly what i said to him yesterday.

Chantal

[Iluvharleys 15]

Try to keep yourself busy with something. Call a friend, you will need one right now. I know you are hurting, and my thoughts are with you.

Hugs,

Betty

[La_madam 20]

Sue said it best Chantal!

You also said it best when you said you deserve to be treated better then that. If you truly believe that then you will make the right decision. It is tough I have been there. I left my first husband for almost he same reasons. I was scared but once I made my mind up I did not turn back and now I have a wonderful supportive husband of 12 years! Best of Luck

Hang in there

(((hugs)))

[bushbaby 8]

Chantal I can only imagine what you are going through. It is so hard to make decisions that will not only affect us but our children. You say to yourself, "Do I want my children growing up without a father?" and then ask yourself if that isn't already the case. I always think back to the song that says, "I can do bad all by myself" We are here for you. For encouragment and support. I will also pray for you. That God will move your life in a direction that is good for you and your family.

BTW I don't think your husband is cheating on you yet... Women who cheat wouldn't tell you what a great weekend they had with your husband. I think he wants to though. Why else would he lie.

[hagerteresa 3]

Hi Chantal,

I too am sorry to hear about your troubles. That is awful (both the situation and how he reacted to being confronted about it). I hate liars. I know it will be tough for you. I grew up with a lying abusive father who beat my mom. We were only 8 and 2 years old when he left. It was tough financially for my mom and emotionally but she got thru it and later met somebody much more decent. You can lean on my shoulder anytime. Has he moved out yet? Best wishes, Teresa

[Neicy 0]

Chantal, I really understand how you feel. It is absolutely the scariest thing to make that step, especially when your heart is broken. You truly deserve better and you know it. Go to the attorney, take that step and it will empower you. I remember being in the same place with 2 small children. I backed out several times because I was so scared. When I finally did it, I wondered why it took me so long. It wasn't as terrible as I had made it out to be in my mind. Sue is right, see a good attorney and assure that you don't continue to be on the short end of the financial stick. Best of luck to you.

[New Hope 37]

C, I know you've given this your best efforts. We've pm'd back and forth about it. Please do what is best for you and your children. You deserve to be happy and secure (financially and emotionally). Best of luck to you and sending you (((hugs))).

[leatha_g 4]

Chantal,

Everyone else has given you much advise to consider. Just know that I, too, have stood on the same threshold you now are standing on. I understand walking away from 20 yrs invested in what I thought would be 'forever' into the absolute unknown. It is definitely one of the hardest things I have ever done. I still ask myself on occasion if there wasn't one more thing I could have done to change the way things turned out. To this day, I resent my husband for ever putting me in the position to have to even consider it, but I can tell you that I am better off without having to wonder where he is or who he is with. Not being able to trust someone you live with is absolute torture and certainly isn't what marriage is about.

I really wish you peace with whatever you have to face. It is not an easy thing to go through. (((((((((((((chantal)))))))))))))