Massive anxiety

[Chelenka 827]

I am experiencing terrible anxiety that not only will I never reach my goal weight but that I will become an epic fail and regain all the weight I've lost. I am almost 14 months post-op and my hunger level feels out of control. Some of the problem is stress which is also out of control and I'm trying to re-engineer how I use my time. But I feel just like I always felt pre-sleeve, like I'm trapped, nothing works, i'm a complete failure and thus should just give up. I know from my highest weight ever back in 2002 I've lost almost 150 lbs but I feel emotionally as though nothing has changed when it comes to my issues with food. The desire and ability to overeat has returned. I am seeing my therapist tomorrow and also have my 1 year follow-up with my surgeon next week, which is probably playing into my emotional state. It's the old familiar vicious circle of eating cuz I'm upset and then being upset with myself for overeating which makes me want to eat more because I've never learned how to handle difficult emotions any other way. Plus I keep feeling so angry all the time and I haven't bern able to figure out why I'm so angry. Feels a bit psychopath to me like I'm gonna go postal or something. Why can't I just enjoy where I am and my new life? Is it because I must keep up this constant vigilance over what I'm eating and what I weigh? I weigh myself every day now and there are a lot of fluctuations. I was hoping that I would become less freaked out over the scale and just take it as information but that doesn't seem to be the case, perhaps because it's not moving in the right direction. The other issue is I'm not getting any exercise because of having bern sick with the flu and schedule issues interfering. I know exercise really helps me with stress and weight loss so I've got to make time for it. But just thinking about trying to make the time causes me more stess! Feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and the kicker is that I've unwittingly created this situation for myself all from good intentions (the road to hell!). Thanks for listening and any support is greatly appreciated!

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

@@Chelenka This is the hardest part of the journey, trek call it what ever you want. Our thinking. Our minds are the most difficult thing to control. As soon as we think we have it figured out something else happens. We will always struggle with weight issues in our bodies or in our heads. We will always second guess ourselves and doubt ourselves. That is the nature of the beast.

Seems to me that you are having an issue with depression. You might want to look into that. Also put that damn scale away girl. Weigh yourself once and week or every second week. Obsession is a big part of the problem. We can easily trade one for another.

Your hunger is real but it is not necessary to treat it as it wants to be treated. Your right when you are sick it can bring a bucketful of stress and false feelings crashing down around you.

Breath, breath deeply! Let your mind catch up to your life and slowly work to get it on track. Stop the numbers game okay....Get well and regroup. You know what to do if it gets out of control. You got this...

Plan a snack, a good one for those times you are extra hungry...PROTEIN a few nuts...okay....And don't let it get out of your hands.

You are so right.Visits to the team can make you feel like a failure before you even get on the scale....We are our own worst enemies. They will be pleased with you I promise! OKAY!

[BigGirlPanties 957]

couldn't have said it better @RJ'S/beginning

As I was reading it, I was thinking the same thing...first and foremost...GET OFF THAT SCALE!!! Secondly, seek help... if the exercise was helping you, you need to find time for that...just a good walk helps... I walk when I get to work (I'm always early)... I have my hand weights, and I walk around the call center every morning... there is hardly anyone here at that time, so I'm not disturbing anyone and I get in my exercise... you need a find a way to help YOU....

good luck! we are all here for you, you will get thru this!

[Chelenka 827]

Thank you both for your kindness, wisdom and support. Just getting it out in writing helped me feel calmer. I started daily weigh-ins because so many veterans say thats what keeps them on the straight and narrow. But maybe I'll give it a break til sunday as I'm taking part in the Easter weight loss challenge. So far I'm sucking at it as I've gained, not lost. Oy! I need to change things up because my way of doing things and of eating isn't working for me and if I want different results I have to try a different path. After all the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.

[MichiganChic 3,262]

@@Chelenka, I feel the same way in so many respects! We are about the same time frame out, and I just want to be DONE! I know that maintenance is forever, so I don't mean done with program, just reach my goal so I can check the box. I weigh every day, and I plan to continue to do so. It works for me. I'd be twice as crazy not knowing, or thinking I was losing when in fact, I was not. I've also read studies that show people who weigh daily manage their weight better. At the end of the day, that's a personal choice, and not one size fits all.

You asked if it's because you " ...must keep up this constant vigilance over what I'm eating and what I weigh". Yes, that's me too. I can't let my guard down for one minute, or I'll backslide. Some days are easier than others, for sure. It's exhausting on the days it more difficult. When I think about that, I get a little panicked that I won't be able to keep up this state of hyper-vigilance forever.

Regarding my weight - I've been stuck here for a couple of months. I fear I may never lose any more weight. Realistically, I think I look pretty good. I wear a size 10. People say I'm not fat. The dietitian at my docs office said I'm good to go, and that most people land at a BMI of around 28. I told her I felt like having a BMI that high was a failure, and she said that I look great and can be in maintenance. Yet......in the back of my mind, I'm feeling exactly like I did at 306 pounds - a fat failure. That's shocking to me, because I know it's not true. Before surgery I would have given my eye teeth to be a size 10 and laughed at the absurdity of what I'm saying here. I just wanted to be one of those people who reach my goal of a normal BMI, and I'm a little pissed that it's elusive, frankly. Then I remember I can only do what I can.

I struggle with fear of being unable to maintain this, as you mentioned. It's because I do get hungry (not as bad as before) and I can eat a lot. I wish that were not true, but it just is.(I don't do it very often, but I have over eaten). I am a grazer by nature, (not that I do that often, either, I just want to) and then I could consume a lot of calories - hence the need for hyper-vigilance. I have learned new habits, made changes to what I eat, when I eat, how I eat.....but the old habits are much stronger.

So, my friend, not to hi-jack your thread with my own tales of woe, but to empathize with you. You aren't alone, and my guess is that there's more than just 2 of us. But my advice to you is to take one day, or one minute if needed, at a time. Plan things as best you can, and cut yourself some slack. You are a huge success with losing 150 pounds! That's a whole person. That is something to be proud of you. Your picture is beautiful, and you can hold your head up high. I hate the cliche "it's a journey" but the fact is, that's what it is. It what we do over the long haul that will define our success. A short deviation off the path doesn't mean we are lost forever - we just can't stray too far or too long.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I think you got some great replies so I am bringing up a couple of other thoughts.... I am lets see now....28 months out. When I had my one year post op, my surgeon told me that year 2-3 were just as important as year one ... because 2-3 is when regain can begin. It was a good thought he planted because basically I just kept doing what I had been doing. I lost another 20 or so pounds but mot importantly, didn't start a regain trend. I think that it is very hard to accept the truth - we will always have the "obesity disease" and need to manage diet and exercise just like we did that first year - assertively.

another thought - could you be suffering from anxiety/depression generally and it has manifested itself by being anxious about the scale and weight?

Finally, I feel like I could eat alot at once, and that I could eat all day. I am guessing a sizeable number of us would same the same - I could eat alot, I just don't. The main techniques that support me in that are:

1. drinking enough fluids to stay hydrated

2. base my entire diet around dense Protein and veggies and have some sort of vague plan (for some a rigid plan works, but I do good with a vague plan)

3. minimize sliders (some healthy foods are sliders for me - meaning I can and will overeat on them)

4. find an accountability path that works (for me it is weighing regularly but for others it is daily tracking of food - that gives me anxiety whereas the scale does not - funny huh?). Another accountability factor for me is non-stretch pants. They get tight - too bad I don't get to buy new ones, I get to lose those couple of pounds again.

5. Keep coming back for support. Don't let little baubles turn into big "derailments". I remember one time thinking that gaining 10 pounds was the same as gaining 100 - the most ridiculous remark ever, but I actually felt that way. Be aware of your own destructive thoughts and tendencies and use support teams to help you get through it and change that wrong thinking.

6. Stay active - it feels good!

7. Try to be thankful and appreciative of how far you have come. It is painful for me to look at, but every day I look at some before and after photos of myself.... it reminds me that I am a wild success story and you are too!

[lsereno 2,525]

Hi,

I agree with everyone's previous posts. Here's my individual tips, many of which are similar to what appears above:

1. Make sure you are getting enough fluids. Use a simple hashmark on your phone or a post it or whatever works for you.

2. Say NO to foods that are really causing you problems. I simply don't eat some foods anymore because they don't satisfy me and they lead to more problems. I tell myself I can have some at Christmas if I still want them then. This is similar to how I quit smoking. When I really wanted a cigeratte, I told myself, I will have one on Christmas. But I didn't want one then and that worked for me.

3. Get any kind of exercise, even walking. Aim for something outdoors. I have to spend a little time outdoors or I go stir crazy. Get up 1/2 hour earlier and walk. Consider it your private appt. with yourself.

4. I do weigh every day, but once a week is plenty. When I was in weight loss mode, I only tracked once per week, even though I weighed daily.

5. Buy yourself a present. Anything that makes you feel good. For me, it's often a lipstick, lotion, book, or new game.

6. Look into Cognitive Therapy and apply those techniques. I used the listening to myself (Is that what I would tell a friend? Then why am I saying it to myself?), recognizing all or nothing thinking (I didn't lose this week, I' m going to fail for life), and learning to be thankful for what I do have and have accomplished (I wrote affirmations on 3.5x5 cards and left them where I would see them often, like by my toothbrush, on my computer table, and on my nightstand).

7. Clean the crap out of the house if you have any there and buy healthy foods you enjoy. Include non calorie teas or drinks.

8. Remind yourself you are not alone. I have yet to meet the successful vet who doesn't have to keep an eye on things.

9. Remind yourself even though you have to work on this, you are lucky because other people really struggle with (FILL IN THE BLANK), but for you it really comes easy. For me, that's anything techie. It's painful to watch so many struggle with their computer, phone, etc. But we all have at least one thing we are good at. Celebrate yours!

10. Self soothing doesn't have to be self sabotage. I think Lipstick Lady said this first, and it's really a mantra for me now. Applies to more than food, but food is still my number one problem area.

We are all with you!

Lynda

Edited April 11, 2014 by lsereno

[Chelenka 827]

Thanks to everyone for the wonderful replies, advice and support. I saw my therapist on Thursday and it was very helpful as well. She gave me some tools to use to help myself calm down and be more loving to myself and not so self-critical. I am feeling more at peace. I think though that there is a part of me that wants to fail. It's my angry inner little girl who feels unloved and wants to eat whatever she wants whenever she wants it. To her/me food=love. So until and unless I come to terms with my food=love inner self I will always be at risk of regaining the weight. I see that a path has been laid before me and I can choose how I walk on it. I have already decided really by choosing to have WLS. I think I knew I would come up against this wall eventually but the weight loss was so easy for the first 8 months or so that I just figured I'd cope with it when I got there. As usual I was knee deep in deNile. I hope that by coming to terms with my own emotionally driven eating behaviors that I can help others do the same. It is good to know that I am not alone in this struggle to reach my goal and maintain it. You are all inspirations to me. Big cuber hug ((()))!!!

[lsereno 2,525]

Yeah, I love a good swim in de Nile. But that sucker always tries to drown me, so I'm giving it the boot whenever I can!

Glad you are feeling better. Cue "We are the Champions" instead of "Fat Bottomed Girls"

Lynda