my boyfriend doesn't approve of the surgery

[chad.vicious 23]

Hey everyone. So this is my first post here. I called the bariatric center close to my house and have then my insurance info and I was told the next day that my surgery would be covered 100%. I have my New Patient seminar on Tuesday. I saw my PCP yesterday and told him about my choice of the surgery and he thought it was a great idea. My BMI is 40.0 and I was recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I told my family about getting the sleeve and they've been very supportive about it.

Now, my boyfriend on the other hand, he doesn't like the idea of the surgery one bit. He thinks it's cheating and a shortcut and that I'm just being lazy. I've tried explaining to him that the sleeve could save my life. Then he expresses concern because anything can happen while under anesthesia. I understand where he's coming from. He actually told me last week that if I get the surgery he'll break up with me. Today equals 13 months since we've been together.

I've tried explaining to him the benefits of the surgery but I just don't know what else to say to him to get him on board. When I told him about the seminar on Tuesday, he made a face and got very serious but didn't argue with me about it.

Has anyone been through something similar with a spouse/ bf or gf? Any tips you have for me? I'm excited about my weight loss journey and I love seeing everybody's before and after pics. I can't wait to join you guys on this rollercoaster of bariatric surgery.

Chad

[piercedqt78 658]

Hi Chad, welcome. I will say this, my husband has always been with heavy women, and I was no exception. He married me when I was a size 18. He wasn't totally on board on with the surgery either, and we have a 12 year old daughter. I wanted to be able to be her mom for the long haul. I wanted to be around to attend her wedding, and also to see her have kids of her own. My ever expanding waistline wasn't going to let that happen. I was on track for a stroke, type 2 diabetes, and who know what else. He didn't threaten to leave me, but he wasn't very supportive. He didn't attend my seminar, or any of my pre-op meetings. He even tried to talk my PCP out of clearing me for surgery. I did everything on my own, and pushed forward to save my own life and health. I had a lapband, for almost 8 years, and had complications, he wanted me to have the band removed, and not have the sleeve. I had only lost 40 pounds, and I was gaining that back quickly. So I again pushed on without his approval, or support. Now I'm down from 244 pounds to 115, and he is so happy with my energy level, greatly improved health, and my renewed self confidence. He now attends my followup appointments, insists on taking me to my NUT appts, and has been great about ordering foods that I can share with him, so that I can eat healthy, and not be stuck with 4 or 5 meals worth of leftovers. After he saw the amazing results, and how the surgery improved my life he sat me down and said how sorry he was for not being there for me through my struggles with my weight, and the 2 surgeries. He said he was afraid he would lose me and didn't want to even imagine life without me. And he said that seeing me going into surgery and then coming out with drains, and not being able to eat was really hard for him. He explained that he knew I was struggling, but out of fear he didn't feel able to support me the way he should have supported me.

What I want to say is that you have to do this surgery for YOU, and no one else. Don't let anyone talk you out of doing what is right for you, and what is best for your health, and future. Don't let your boyfriend talk you out of getting the surgery that is being covered. I don't want to sound like a jerk, but he is your boyfriend right now, what if you break up and your insurance changes in the mean time, then you may or may not have coverage for your sleeve. Just think of this as a lifelong decision that will affect you, and who ever is in your future. Don't let someone's fear keep you from taking charge of your body and health.

[wendyt 108]

Hi Chad, welcome. I will say this, my husband has always been with heavy women, and I was no exception. He married me when I was a size 18. He wasn't totally on board on with the surgery either, and we have a 12 year old daughter. I wanted to be able to be her mom for the long haul. I wanted to be around to attend her wedding, and also to see her have kids of her own. My ever expanding waistline wasn't going to let that happen. I was on track for a stroke, type 2 diabetes, and who know what else. He didn't threaten to leave me, but he wasn't very supportive. He didn't attend my seminar, or any of my pre-op meetings. He even tried to talk my PCP out of clearing me for surgery. I did everything on my own, and pushed forward to save my own life and health. I had a lapband, for almost 8 years, and had complications, he wanted me to have the band removed, and not have the sleeve. I had only lost 40 pounds, and I was gaining that back quickly. So I again pushed on without his approval, or support. Now I'm down from 244 pounds to 115, and he is so happy with my energy level, greatly improved health, and my renewed self confidence. He now attends my followup appointments, insists on taking me to my NUT appts, and has been great about ordering foods that I can share with him, so that I can eat healthy, and not be stuck with 4 or 5 meals worth of leftovers. After he saw the amazing results, and how the surgery improved my life he sat me down and said how sorry he was for not being there for me through my struggles with my weight, and the 2 surgeries. He said he was afraid he would lose me and didn't want to even imagine life without me. And he said that seeing me going into surgery and then coming out with drains, and not being able to eat was really hard for him. He explained that he knew I was struggling, but out of fear he didn't feel able to support me the way he should have supported me.

What I want to say is that you have to do this surgery for YOU, and no one else. Don't let anyone talk you out of doing what is right for you, and what is best for your health, and future. Don't let your boyfriend talk you out of getting the surgery that is being covered. I don't want to sound like a jerk, but he is your boyfriend right now, what if you break up and your insurance changes in the mean time, then you may or may not have coverage for your sleeve. Just think of this as a lifelong decision that will affect you, and who ever is in your future. Don't let someone's fear keep you from taking charge of your body and health.

Great post!

[PdxMan 4,292]

Ah, the dating life. I miss it like I miss stomach flu.

This would be my next conversation with your boyfriend.

Hon, I love you very much. The last 13 months have been great, but it is but a small glimpse of my life. Those who know me well, my family, know the struggles I have gone through in my life and are supportive of this decision. I understand WLS is an unknown for you. You cannot know my experience and I would not wish morbid obesity on anyone just so they could know my plight. Your statement about WLS being the easy way out and me being lazy is just ignorant. You can choose to break up with me over this, but this will be your loss just as I can choose to break up with you for not being supportive of me and my struggles. If this is how you are going to try to control me, then it is probably be best if we do break up now as I don't need this kind of drama in my life right now.

So, choose now. Support me and we can grow closer together as we embark on this journey, or you can take the easy way out and break up with me. But that would just be lazy, now wouldn't it?

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

Okay, I am going to be blunt. (Primarily because I feel angry on your behalf)

Is he Mr Right? Or Mr. Right now?

Its YOUR life, your body, your health.

Anyone who truly loved you, wouldn't make threats. They'd listen, they'd read about things themselves, they would try to see it from both sides. Even if at the end of it, they weren't comfortable. If they'd made efforts to be fully informed, discussed the risks/rewards/statistics and THEN said they weren't happy - I could kinda empathise with that.

However, anyone who makes threats, directly or indirectly, is a d-ick. Fact. I know you may love him and this may indeed come a place of insecurity, worry and love. But who loves someone then threatens to leave them - because of a surgery?!

Scrap the should I, shouldn't I element in all this.

I'd be focussing on how your partner threatened to leave you. That, is a very telling and negative thing indeed....

[1Day1Life4Now 882]

oh my. Chad honey, you have been given some awesome advice from the posters above. I share the same sentiments as they so I won't repeat. You deserve a healthier and happier life and with the support of your friends and family you will be successful. If your boyfriend can't get on board with your decision, he isn't the right one for you. Don't settle on a partner and don't settle on an unhealthy life style....because you don't have to!! Surgery is available for you at 100% cost free, why would you let anybody deny that to you? PdxMan has the perfect script for you to use. I wish you luck. Hugs!!

[yolicious1 64]

Your boyfriend doesn't sound very mature. I would think he would learn what It's all about then chime in. That's also controlling as someone previously stated. You have to make your own life decisions. My boyfriend doesn't care for the idea, but he is supportive of my decision. Yesterday I told him I'd lost 16lbs since working with the nut and this (awful) liquid diet. He said well you don't need surgery. I said are you saying I should have liquids the rest of my life? So, no, he's not happy about it, but my mind is made up. I have to live in this body. Me! Perhaps your boyfriend IS Mr. right now. It makes me wonder how supportive he'd be of any other choices you make. Do you think if you were married he'd have said the same thing? FLAGS, girlfriend! Watch for the flags.

[BKLYNgal87 503]

I agree with the above. This surgery is about YOU, and you alone. It's for your health and well-being in the long term. Here's the thing about relationships in life - they come and go for more reasons than you can count. I understand you may care about this person a great deal. But his lack of support for you in this important life-altering decision must be an eye opener to some degree. It speaks to his character and a probable lack of maturity. You deserve a partner who is really going to be a partner.

That being said, even if he was 100% supportive of the surgery and was there with you every step of the way, that doesn't mean you'll stay together long term. I speak from experience. My ex-fiance was the epitome of supportive and loving from day one. But I realized as the weight came off that I became a different person. This is pretty common for post-op bariatric patients. Our weight affects us so much more than just physically. My feelings about myself changed and over time, and unfortunately so did my feelings about him. The foundation upon which we built our relationship wasn't healthy. It was broken and cynical. So we broke it off. It's sad and painful, but life goes on. He'll always have a place in my heart as my first love, but there will be others after him. However, everyone only gets one of themselves. Being kind and loving toward yourself needs to come first.

Edited April 4, 2014 by BKLYNgal87

[chad.vicious 23]

I believe he is Mr. Right and hopefully not Mr. Right Now. I've always dated women and he's the first man I've ever been with. He's open minded about many things (gay marriage, abortion, medicinal marijuana, although neither of us smoke) but surgery is one thing he's always been against. Even before I told him about the sleeve, he's never been on board with it. He's an amazing man, a hard worker, trustworthy, loyal, faithful, and he tells it like he sees it. I respect his opinion fully, but this is my decision to get the surgery. I want to live a longer life and I want to have him in it.

I agree, him saying that he'd end it if I get the surgery is immature of him. I know it comes from a place of concern and perhaps even a bit of insecurity. Since getting together we've each gained 40 lbs but since being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes I've changed my eating habits. Yesterday I told him I lost a couple of pounds and he made a similar remark saying "You see? You don't need the surgery." That comment pissed me off but I pretended not to hear it.

I love him to death but nobody is going to stop me from bettering myself and getting my second chance at life. I'm in an awkward place though because losing him will be very painful, but the more I think of it, the more I'm preparing myself to let him go. I just hope he comes around. Thanks for all the support, guys.

Chad.

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

Smells a bit like any efforts you make towards the weight loss, is only going to make him have to look at his own eating behaviours...

Its admirable that he is open minded towards enumerate things, but something that struck a chord with me, on reading your reply, is the 'Ive always dated women and he's the first man I've ever been with' mixed with the 'I'll end the relationship if you do this'.. Maybe I'm way off base here, but he's not one of those sorts that's a bit, well, controlling and wants to be the one, the only one, who facilitates and enforces the changes in your life?

I'm sure he's amazing on many levels.. But I can't help but get the heebie-jeebies about this one... x

[rbtnln 81]

I have been extremely blessed to be with a man for over 20 years who has supported me during my ups (over 100 pounds gained in the past 20 years) and my downs (60 pounds down with weight watchers, Jenny Craig, lap band and any other diet fad I could get my hands on). He has never said a word. I have done all of the leg work for the band and the sleeve but I'm doing it for me, not him. Like the one poster, I want to be around for my kids. My husband is a smoker and, let's face it, he won't be here. We have a 21 year old and a 20 year old (who is autistic). The 21 year old has her whole life ahead of her and we were facing her taking on her sister's care far too early in her life if neither of us changed. I have to be there for both of our girls. If my husband chooses to quit smoking, that's fantastic and I'll support him. Just like he's supported me.

We have a friend who is going through a similar struggle with her BF. He told her he didn't know if he would want to be with her if she lost too much weight because he likes heavy women. And, honestly, he was afraid she would leave him if she lost the weight and found a smaller guy to be with (he's larger, though not as large as she is).

I would tell your boyfriend that you really appreciate his honesty and his feelings towards you getting the surgery. Having that kind of open communication is SO crucial to any relationship. If you two remain together and, maybe, one day get married (I hope it's legal for everyone soon!!!), I guarantee that there are going to be numerous decisions that you two won't see eye to eye on. One thing I learned early on in my relationship is that sometimes you have to agree to disagree. And that may be where the two of you stand with it. He doesn't have to agree with your decision, and he certainly doesn't have to like it. But, he can love you as much as you love him and support you in anything you do. Let him know that you don't know what the future holds but that you hope he will stand by your side and love you.

Know that no matter what happens, and whatever YOUR choice is, you have friendship and support at Bariatric Pal. I definitely couldn't get through every day without these people who have been there and done that before me.

[J-Cal8 13]

My husband was very opposed to the surgery. I told him too bad, I'm doing it because it's what's best form me. Now that he sees results he agrees. He also sees that it's not "the easy way out".

Edited April 4, 2014 by J-Cal8

[SoonergirlLayla 52]

This is a decision that you have to make for you. If you have done all of your research on this, and feel comfortable with the decision that you have made, then he needs to be supportive, move on, or NOT sabotage you. I would take a hard look at my triggers because this surgery is going to leave you with a lack of what most of us use to cope with all of those hard emotions(disappointment, not feeling good enough, anger, sadness, you get the point). His constant ridicule of your decision is going to make it so much harder to be successful, and it could ultimately make you gain any weight that you lose with your procedure, back. Then, you will resent him and yourself. I would cut my losses and move on and spend the next few months/year working on Myself. Good luck.

[Vixynne 695]

I can't possibly improve on any of what the other replies say--they are SPOT ON.
I think a lot of the time, the people in our lives who are less than supportive are coming from a place of fear. Fear that we could die on the operating table, fear that they won't be able to stand watching us be in pain and struggling with post-op issues, fear that we'll "find someone better" once we're wearing a thinner (if somewhat flappy-ish) new body.

If you love him in that "I'm in this for the long haul" way, try to reassure him--but if he's a big black hole of need (the sort that just refuses to BE reassured), keep in mind that you're going to need some mental peace/clarity/focus for yourself as you go in to this process and come out on the other side. You won't always be able to make his doubts melt away--sometimes you're going to be the one who needs support. Will he give it, or will he drag out the "Ugh! See, I told you this would happen"s when you need him to stand by you?

Ay lifetime partnership is full of disagreements and little spats. This, though? This is a lifelong change for you. He's either going to see the light and be your greatest supporter--or he's going to hold you back. Go into this with your eyes wide open, and with your own best interests foremost in your mind.

True love has nothing at all to do with trying to stifle, control or drag our loved ones down. Listen to your instincts, and keep on keepin' on!

[Cupcake 801]

Wishing you the best luck with your boyfriend hug I have to agree with the above posts, you have to think about your quality for life not him, anyone who is going through this process understands this is not a easy way out.