Any advise?

[LisaMG 5]

I've had my band now for almost two months. Life is definately looking up! No more depression,I've had more energy than I know what to do with, can pull just about anything out of my wardrobe and wear it-comfortably, Getting complement evrywhere I go on the weight loss, and the list goes on and on.......

The only thing that could be better is for my husband to be experiencing this with me. Instead hes feeling left out or left behind or something. I think hes depressed.

Hes scared I'm gonna get skinny and leave him. He says all the time that his biggest fear is that he will lose his family. He waited till he was 33 years old to start a family and now that he has one hes in heaven. I try my best to assure him all the time we're not going anywhere. I can see he still struggles with this issue of insecurity. It puts me in a awkward place, to know the biggest fear your spouse has is that your gonna leave one day.

Then it did'nt help when a couple close to us felt "led" to tell us that the divorce rate was extremely high after a person gets weight reduction surgery. So, now I'm thinking what kind of person do these people think I am?

I even had an Aunt (confessed pesimist) tell me if I ever lost my weight I'd go crazy and leave my family! By now I'm thinking these people have O idea of who I really am!

I don't know where all this is coming from, I started typing and took off! My real concern is my husband....how or what can I do to include him in my "new life". Hes watching alot of T.V., unmotivated to do things, and is grumpy alot these days! It's driving me CRAZY!

Is medication (antidepressants) the answer for everything nowadays? Is there something I can do to help?

[donali 57]

Hi Lisa -

Unfortunately, when a person changes, it very often upsets the balance in their relationships. Weightloss is just one of the many changes a person can go through where this is the case.

The fears the people in your life have over your changing is NOT a reflection of who they think you are deep down inside. It is a natural response to change. People in general do not like the status quo to be upset.

The reality is, many people who lose a significant amount of weight DO change. Their self-esteem soars, they start really experiencing life, their attitude about THEMSELVES change. They feel empowered, they feel they have a new lease on life.

These changes do NOT mean that the relationships they've built automatically fall apart, BUT... sometimes it does happen.

You not only have to deal with YOUR new emotions about yourself, but also the emotions of those around you.

I recommend that you find a counselor/therapist experienced in this specific arena, and see if your husband will go with you. He may not know what exactly would reassure him that his perfect life is only going to get better, not fall apart. A good counselor/therapist should be able to help him define his fears and set action steps to help him overcome those fears.

Hang in there, and be gentle with those you love. As maddening as their reactions are, they DO stem from their love of you, and their fear that somehow that will change.

Perhaps in conversations with your husband, instead of focusing on trying to reassure him that his fears are groundless, instead focus on HIM. Show a lot of interest in HIM, and his interests. Tell him and show him how special he is to you. NOT in a "SEE, this is how much I love you, I'm not going anywhere!!!" way, but in a genuine way. Be excited to see him. When he comes home from work, tell him how much you thought of him that day, how you couldn't wait for him to get home so you could give him a kiss and thank him for sharing his life with you. Say things like, "Do you have ANY idea how sexy I find you?"

Talk about plans/fantasies/dreams for the two of you in the distant future. Like, "Honey, when we win the lotto, we will go here, we will do this." "Sweetheart, when we're old and retired together, we'll have all the time in the world to travel the country. Just think, we could get a motorhome and visit the kids, and move from warm place to warm place..." Stuff like that - whatever would be believable in your situation.

I know that when my boyfriend started talking about things we would do together far off into the future, I suddenly felt much more secure, more loved, more a part of his life FOR REAL.

Good luck, and keep us posted!!

**hugs**

[La_madam 20]

Lisa..we are in the exact same boat. My hubby is doing the exact same thing. I sat him down on Thursday and had a long heart to heart with him about how we are going in different directions ..I'm taking the healthy route and he is not, now mind you he is not overweight one single bit, but is a heavy smoker, does not exercise at all, lies on the couch and watches TV from time he gets home from work until bed and then falls asleeep on the couch, he drinks way too much coca cola , it is driving me crazy but after we had our heart to heart he has been putting forth and effort to be more productive, active and cut down on his smoking and sodas..so far it is a good start lets see how long it lasts, but I reccomed you sit him down and tell him from your heart what is going through your head ..it helped me so far ..keeping my fingers crossed. The anti depressants for me got me here..I put on so much weight on those damn things..I refuse to take them anymore. It is up to me to make myself happy not some pill! Talk to your hubby in a quiet secluded setting in a calm rational voice..I used to scream and yell to my hubby the same things I mentioned above with no change on his part but once her heard the fear and sadness in my voice in a calm way it woke his butt up. Good Luck to you

[Iluvharleys 15]

Lisa - I agree, just start doing some things together. I know when I started riding with my DH he took a whole new attitude with our life. I know you aren't ready to ride yet, but maybe go fishing, dancing or anything else that he really likes to do. It will bring you closer, and things will improve.

Hugs to ya!

Betty

[leatha_g 4]

Learn to dance!!:mad:

[LisaMG 5]

I hav'nt been able to log on all day! Did everyone else have that problem?

Thank you ladies for the support and ideas,

Donali I liked that idea of putting my focus on Him instead of us. If I can be consistent with that now.

We're all the time talking about doing more stuff togather but manage to do none of it.I'm sitting here thinking when was the last time we got away just the two of us and I know it's been more than 2 years! Maybe it's time for me to hop on the back of his bike and grin and bear it.

Going out to eat has been the "thing" to do when we do go out.Now i'm ready for something else. Maybe something that burns calories instead of adds calories.

Heart to Heart Michelle? We have those often. I have NEVER been able to hide my feelings.Maybe that an immature trait , I know sometimes that can be a curse. So, when something is bothering me it surfaces quickly. I've been talking to Him about this since before the surgery.Maybe he was already suffering from this long ago and I was so focused on Lisa that I did'nt see it.

My guess is that he's upset with himself. He struggles with being out of control with eating and other things. Thats where the depression comes in. He feels like he should be able to do all things on his own with out any help.

I don't know, maybe I don't know what i'm talking about but thats my theory.

I know I will be going thru a Big change and will probly be a different person in alot of ways when this is all over, I just want my husband by my side in the end. So, I'll be looking for things we can do togather for now and work on building him up.

I loved the idea of honey when were old........ :mad:

I'll keep yall posted! Thanks again:)

[LisaMG 5]

maybe go fishing, dancing or anything else he likes to do

Well, lets see what does Tom like to do......hmmm.......

Ride his bike..........ride his bike with his brothers.........ride his bike with his son.......Do you see a pattern here?

Not really he has other intrests, really he does. Like flying planes! He almost bought a Cessna 172 off ebay last night .He came running in the livingroom asking of we had $6.000.00. I said no, whatever for? He says Theres a steal of a deal on ebay right now and I could probly turn it over for 20-25K after a little work! He was very serios...so serios it scared me. I thought he was going to go pawn one of our kids for that plane!

[New Hope 37]

Lisa, How about some time just for you and him? Do you have a good support system that can help out with the kids? A set date (once or twice a month) or what ever is practical for your schedule. That will give you both something to look forward to.

Let him know that you appreciate being a "stay-at-home" Mom.

And that you're getting healthier for him, your kids, and yourself to be able to enjoy life more together. Maybe you can coax him to start taking walks w/ you and the kids, go to the park, put-put golf, or anything that doesn't involve t.v.

If you have someone that can keep the kids overnight, how about "kidnapping" your husband for a night or two in Galveston? It's a short drive and a wonderful place to get away. Moody Gardens or The Galvez are wonderful (but pricey). Have the kids already deposited, the car packed, and ready to go when he gets home from work. (Just don't forget to pack his belt, like I did.) The catch is you can't talk about the kids, bills, or problems at home. Just treat each other like you used to when you were dating. That's easy to forget (for both of you) when you're in the middle of raising a young family. It's hard to be romantic or schedule any time for each other (without worrying about kids bursting in).

I remember those hectic days! But those kids do grow up.

Take care of yourself!:mad:

[leatha_g 4]

Originally posted by Lisa Green

I hav'nt been able to log on all day! Did everyone else have that problem?

I DID have this problem and I have just changed to SBC Yahoo DSL and I was about to call em and give it back! LOL. I nearly went into DT's cause I kept getting 'page not found'. ugh.. :mad:

[molynn 0]

Gee Lisa, I know exactly what you are going through. My husband was always a litlle insecure, but now he has gotten a lot worse. He calls me everywhere I go. I think they only thing we can do is reassure them that we are not leaving them, that nothing has changed other than our appearance.

[Marimaru 7]

Man oh man...

I'm not married yet, but I am having this problem with my boyfriend. When I told him I was going to have the surgery done, he wouldn't really give me an opinion. He told me he wanted me to do whatever I wanted to do, and he would support what ever I did.

Right after the surgery he admitted that he was afraid that I was going to get skinny and want to find someone better than him. I told him that he saw me for who I was with all the fat on me, and the people who didn't talk to me now that would talk to me when I was thinner weren't worth my time. He's still worried about it and it comes up all the time. He recently lost his job, which has just made matters in that department worse. It doesn't help much that my sister told me that my mom thinks I WILL leave him when I get thinner. I know my self esteem isn't what it probably should be, but when I'm with him I don't feel like I'm 'settling' for whatever I can get or anything like that, so I don't feel like I'd have any reason to go anywhere. It's a bit frustrating. He has roller blades he hasn't used in a while, so I want to try and get us doing more active things together, but I'm just not sure how to console him. :straight

Darn boys.