HELP! Before My Husband Ends Up Where I Am!

[Ree 215]

I hate having to make this post but I'm concerned and need some advice because I don't know what to say or do. I got my surgery done back in December and I've been doing great, since starting this journey I've lost over 60 pounds. However I'm worried about my husband. See, when we started dating (we were teenagers) he was somewhere between normal weight and underweight. Very skinny. In the last 4 years (since I found out I was pregnant 4 years ago) he has gained about 40-45 pounds. He says that his metabolism just isn't what it use to be anymore and that he thinks about food all the time. He doesn't take a lunch to work and when he comes home he overeats on foods that aren't good for him. He wakes up in the middle of the night to eat too. He says he cant sleep if he doesn't eat something. If I don't finish my meal or if my daughter doesn't finish her meal, he eats it in addition to his meal.

Now I don't eat the same types of foods he eats. He buys the foods he wants but he will eat dinner when I make it. That's the only meal we actually eat together. I don't want to see him go through what I went through with the weight gain. It's a horrible thing to go through. Right now he is in the 'overweight' category but I feel like if he keeps treading down this path its not going to help any.

If I say I am going to make such and such for dinner he always says to make sure I make enough. Example: His idea of enough is a 2 pound steak, of which I am only eating less than 3 ounces of and so is my daughter. He will eat the rest. If I don't make "enough" food (according to his idea of enough food is) he gets upset and says "what the heck am I going to do with that? I'm not a child" referring to the portion size, which is an average portion size for an adult.

How do I talk to him? what do I say? He is extremely stubborn and set in his ways. I've already said to him that I don't want him to go through what I did with weight gain because I know how it is and it's a horrible thing to go through. He just sat there and listened but didn't say anything.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

He's a grown man and he needs to make his own decisions. I hated it when others policed my diet (whatever diet I was on at the time) and you are only going to alienate him by policing his.

Make healthy foods, lots of steamed veggies, a salad, cut back on the non complex carbs and leave him be.

[Chelenka 827]

I agree with Lipstick but I totally understand where you are coming from. My sweet hubby also is overweight but he at least acknowledges he needs to change his ways. He doesn't do it but he acknowledges the issue.

It sounds like your husband may be going thru some emotional-eating issues but also a full physical to rule out any underlying hormonal or medical issues isn't a bad idea IMO.

You can't force him to change, he has to want to. However, you can have a heart-to-heart with him about your concern for his well-being.

Hang in there!

[WhoKnows 288]

Honestly, I wish people had offered me legit help back in the day. It's a bit different because my weight gain started when I was a little kid (though my parents did nothing out of the belief that I didn't need my diet policed and that I'd find my own way to healthy eating), and obviously your husband is an adult, but I don't think offering help and support and policing his diet are the same thing. Maybe just say to him, "I've observed these behaviors, and I don't know what they're about for you, but I know for a lot of people they may mean x,y, or z. If you're happy, I'm happy, but if you're not happy, there are thing we can try (therapy and nutritionist for starters), and I'll support you and help you all the way. I won't bring it up again, but if you decide you want to bring it up or try something new tomorrow, next month, next year, or in ten years, let me know." I really wish someone had said something like this to me, not just when I was a kid, but also as an adult.

[LumpySpacePrincess 594]

My boyfriend sounds like your husband. He's always been very, very skinny but eats enough for three people in one sitting. I can share with you what I've learned over the last year.

Eating habits become bonding habits between people who eat together frequently. I had no idea how much my eating disorder had impacted my boyfriend until I looked back at pictures of us from the summer and realized how much weight we'd both gained. Since I have changed my eating habits, the ones I left behind and that my boyfriend still holds by become glaringly obvious. Its like we are watching a different version of ourselves and all you want to do now is say "Stop! I know what you're doing to yourself and its awful and you will regret this later!" The problem is, this doesn't really work, because when we changed our habits after surgery, the food bond we formed with these people was broken. Although we were prepared to break our bond with food, we don't often think about how cutting off that bond will affect the other half of the pair. They cling to the food because its the only part of the bond left that they can grab onto and keep familiar. Its something they will have to work out in their own time.

In essence, we taught our partners how to eat to cover up emotions in many situations, and now that's how they cope, just like we did. Its not intentional, but it happens. Instead of addressing the food issue with my boyfriend head-on, I started making up activities that we can do together, out of the house, that have nothing to do with food. Over the last few months, he has slowly started to break away from the food for bonding and gets more excited about just being with me.

Food is oftentimes an integral part of relationships, and when that component is no longer there, we have to find something else to replace it to keep that bond alive with our significant others so they don't also turn to food.

[phil2912 22]

LumpySpacePrincess, I think your post was brilliantly written and I couldn't agree with you more...

Those eating habits (that were formed together) are like a tether to a previous you. I think we often forget how such major changes in our lives will affect those around us.

Ree you sound like a caring, compassionate and understanding wife and your need for your husband to 'be careful' shows how much you love him. It's amazingly beautiful!

A heart-to-heart could work (or he could be stubborn about it) but it could be argued that the important thing is that you are trying! As bad as it might sound (and I sincerely hope it doesn't get to this stage) he may need to come to his own realisations that he is doing himself a disservice by 'letting himself go'. But please don't give up on him, because if he does get to that point he doesn't need someone standing there telling him 'I told you so'. He will need you there as a pillar of support and will start to realise that you were right (without you having even said it).

If you don't mind me asking how old is your husband?

As Chelenka indicated he could be emotionally eating. Can you see anything which might be causing him excess stress? (keeping in mind that seeing his wife slim down and become 'more desirable to other men', could be a source of stress in itself!)

Again don't give up on him, little changes and hints can go a long way.

Good luck!