Specific friend advice needed! Pic included

[KittyKat848 93]

There's a difference between "other people" and someone who has been a big part of your life for 20 years who has watched how hard I've fought with my weight and knows how important it is for me to get my weight down. I know what's important to her about her life, so therefore it's important to me and I make sure to acknowledge those things. That's the way friendships work and it's my personal preference on how I like my friendships. I hope I answered your real question.

I guess I see my friendships differently -- which is just different, not necessarily better or worse. I like that my best friend sees me -- not weight. I've never felt defined by my size. My friend is beautiful and thin, but she's always made me feel beautiful, too. She's not jealous of me -- and when I was her MOH, I'd never want to take attention away from her special day. I don't think people who truly love us think about weight like we do. She hasn't said anything about the 80 pounds I've lost, and frankly, I don't need her to. For me, validation about my weight loss comes from within. Again, not better or worse, just a different perspective.

[CBT 450]

I would say "I too have been working on weight loss and I'm surprised you haven't said anything." Just the facts. Keep it simple.

Edited March 27, 2014 by CBT

[LaBelle509 326]

I am wondering, If she did point out your weight loss, what would have been your answer?

My dear friend ( 25 years strong) never once mentioned my weight to me. At my heaviest. She has watched me go through every diet plans there is. Not a comment. We have shared many meals together. Do I really think ( if I was hiding my wls) she would've not noticed that I eat like a child now? pick the healthiest items on the menue? that I am not gaining? that I am sticking to a "diet" when I have failed every single one in the past?!

Would I really just think to myself that she's just a rude, selfish, competitive B?! But I am the friend that could not even tell her I had surgery.

Reminds me of a "friend" that never told me she was pregnant. A coworker told me. I saw her before she started showing, and four months after she gave birth. She got annoyed when I didnt ask about the baby. I quietly pointed out to her, she never told me she was pregnant.

At the end, I am more at ease when the friends that I didnt share my wls with, dont comment on my look. Less uncomfortable.

Edited March 27, 2014 by LaBelle509

[SnohoGal98296 371]

Is it possible she isn't saying anything because she has known you for your life long struggles with weight, that she is worried that you will rebound again and then her comments will be remembered harshly?

I know when I have attempted diets in the past, I didn't tell anyone so I wouldn't have to explain when I would inevitably start gaining again. I guess I am applying this in reverse to her, she thinks that by not making a big deal she is supporting you or protecting your feelings, in what she thinks is a short term success.

Just thinking of a different angle. ..

[CBT 450]

Is it possible she isn't saying anything because she has known you for your life long struggles with weight, that she is worried that you will rebound again and then her comments will be remembered harshly? I know when I have attempted diets in the past, I didn't tell anyone so I wouldn't have to explain when I would inevitably start gaining again. I guess I am applying this in reverse to her, she thinks that by not making a big deal she is supporting you or protecting your feelings, in what she thinks is a short term success. Just thinking of a different angle. ..

One if my closest friends and I talked about this very thing. She and I actually train and dance together. She does not have a history of obesity or weight gain. She said, "I really didn't know what to say that was my business." Because I hadn't started the conversation. We all come from different places.

[Iambeautiful 100]

There certainly has been a lot of speculation here and I guess no one really knows what's on your friends mind here. The only way to really find out is to probably bring the subject up casually next time you see her... for example pretend you are asking for advice on the bridesmaid dress and say something like...... I don't know what size to order the dress in because I've lost so much weight and don't know what size I'll be in by then' And see what her response is and even if she acknowledges it at all.

I guess it must be hard for some 'thin' people especially to adjust to role changes in friendships.... Before she was your thin friend and if you get as thin as her then it will make you equal maybe in her eyes.... Again that's just speculation. But for myself I just cannot fathom her as a friend not taking the effort to be supportive for you in your weight loss knowing that she knows that this has been such an obstacle and problem in your life.

I lost a lot of weight three years ago and my good friend was kept telling me how good I looked (even though I still didn't feel thin and knew I wasn't what i wanted to be) It was very encouraging. Everyone needs praise for their accomplishments... it's only human. Why don't we applause people on stage that perform and do a good job don't we? And don't we praise our chidren when they do good in school or otherwise? If we can't encourage and support our friends and family then who can we support? If this friend was a casual acquaintance or friend then i could see their reluctance in commenting on your weight loss but not a good friend. That's just not how I view friendships either. It's a give and take... fifty fifty relationship.... we help each other and support each other in life.

I guess one day she'll tell you or won't tell you why she didn't comment. In any case you'll know if she is indeed a friend or not by then..... I still can't understand how she is keeping quiet yet praises someone else to you about their weight loss.... that's like rubbing salt into a wound..... i bet you felt like saying 'well what am I? chopped liver? Geeeez..... Nuff said..... :)

[dreamscometrue 262]

There certainly has been a lot of speculation here and I guess no one really knows what's on your friends mind here. The only way to really find out is to probably bring the subject up casually next time you see her... for example pretend you are asking for advice on the bridesmaid dress and say something like...... I don't know what size to order the dress in because I've lost so much weight and don't know what size I'll be in by then' And see what her response is and even if she acknowledges it at all.

I guess it must be hard for some 'thin' people especially to adjust to role changes in friendships.... Before she was your thin friend and if you get as thin as her then it will make you equal maybe in her eyes.... Again that's just speculation. But for myself I just cannot fathom her as a friend not taking the effort to be supportive for you in your weight loss knowing that she knows that this has been such an obstacle and problem in your life.

I lost a lot of weight three years ago and my good friend was kept telling me how good I looked (even though I still didn't feel thin and knew I wasn't what i wanted to be) It was very encouraging. Everyone needs praise for their accomplishments... it's only human. Why don't we applause people on stage that perform and do a good job don't we? And don't we praise our chidren when they do good in school or otherwise? If we can't encourage and support our friends and family then who can we support? If this friend was a casual acquaintance or friend then i could see their reluctance in commenting on your weight loss but not a good friend. That's just not how I view friendships either. It's a give and take... fifty fifty relationship.... we help each other and support each other in life.

I guess one day she'll tell you or won't tell you why she didn't comment. In any case you'll know if she is indeed a friend or not by then..... I still can't understand how she is keeping quiet yet praises someone else to you about their weight loss.... that's like rubbing salt into a wound..... i bet you felt like saying 'well what am I? chopped liver? Geeeez..... Nuff said..... :)

Love, love, LOVE this! Thank you!!

[dreamscometrue 262]

Alrighty, I have an UPDATE on the situation and I'm happy to report it's a good one! Last Wednesday, I met up with my friend and her super sweet sister at our first bridesmaid dress appointment…well, I hadn't seen her sister in probably 4 years (we are friends on fb though so I'm sure she knows what I've looked like) and IMMEDIATELY, her sister said "Oh my gosh, you look fantastic!" Immediately, my friend said "Yeah, you've been doing so good!" I WAS SHOCKED. SHOCKED. So, we go inside and since her sister is a tiny little thing, we let her do the majority of the trying on for us. Once it got narrowed down to the final 2, my friend kept urging me to try them on… well the biggest size they had in one of them was a 10 and the other was a 12 (shocker. lol) …So, I go in the back with the lady who worked there and my friend and her sister were up front to where they couldn't hear us talking. I casually asked the lady if this style was easy to alter and said I would like to lose some more weight before the wedding. The lady told me they were super easy to alter and asked how much weight I had lost so I told her about 65 or 66 lbs… we were talking quietly and suddenly she said "HOLY SH*T!!!" REALLY LOUD. Ha! I tried the dresses on and the 12 almost fit (couldn't believe it! Such a great feeling!) Before we were leaving, my friend asked the lady when we would need to order them by and the lady (obviously not knowing the situation) said…"Luckily, this brand of dress comes in fast and within a month, plus they do free exchanges so if somebody orders a size and then loses/gains weight and that size doesn't work, they can swap them out free of charge. Just like your amazing friend right here who has lost so much weight! I am just so proud of you and think that's awesome!" Having a complete stranger sing my praises (given this situation) and make it known I had lost a bunch of weight (without saying the number) in front of my friend basically got my point across without me having to say a word! When we went to dinner, her sister asked me what all I was doing to lose weight so I told her no bread, alcohol, carbs for the most part, Protein Shakes, lean Protein (all true!)… and then I just said that I know it's been a struggle for my entire life and I appreciate all the support from friends and family because it really helps keep me motivated and my friend chimed in and said "well, I'm proud of you and keep up the good work!" WHEW! I feel much better about the situation and I was happy with how I looked in the dress! Ha! Sorry for all of the drama this post caused, but I appreciate all of the advice… I used some of it, kept some of it stored in my back pocket for a rainy day and ignored a few. Hahaha. Just wanted to update everybody! Thank you again!!!

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

Wow! What a great turn of events! I'm so glad she voiced her support, even if it took a stranger to get her to do it. Isn't it great how a well-timed "HOLY SH*T!!!" can make everything better! This is so good, because now you won't have that hanging in the air and you can thoroughly enjoy being skinneee at her wedding and she can go back to focusing on her bridely self. Yay! Enjoy!

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

Sounds like getting something out of her was like pulling teeth.

Least you got the affirmation you were after. It is important to get that from the people who matter.

[Iambeautiful 100]

I have to agree with Madam Reverie on this one.... it seemed like getting a compliment from your friend was definitely like pulling teeth but after everyone else made such a fuss she had no choice to say something lest she would be looking like the bad guy. Funny how it took her sister to rave over your weight loss and the lady at the bridal shop to finally acknowledge your weight loss..... I still think it's all odd but at least it's out in the open now...... and really WHO cares what your friend thinks as long as YOU are happy and are doing well..... I'm glad that you got some closure on this now.

Sounds like getting something out of her was like pulling teeth.

Least you got the affirmation you were after. It is important to get that from the people who matter.

[HotButterFly 981]

Try giving her the benefit of the doubt as she is likely all wrapped up in her wedding planning. And I agree...looking for bridesmaids dresses is not the time to call her out on anything.

Having said that however....I would suggest when you come out of the dressing room and see that you look spectacular...you should say loudly and forcefully....I looook faabulous in this dress!

I know...it's not how we roll. Most of us are so overwhelmed by how we look, that we sit in the dressing room or stand in front of the mirror and cry...and the poor saleslady has no idea what's going on.

But if you acknowledge your success loud and clear, there's no way she can avoid it.

I think this is the best advice.

I guess I'm cut from a different cloth than most people. I would just keep on keeping on and move on. If nothing else has changed in the relationship, I wouldn't rock the boat (but that's just me) I think eventually, true friends WILL talk about it.... But wait till after she weds.

[Kitt3000 757]

Big believer in things happening (or not), for reasons we don't always understand at the time. Having a family who talked about weight everyday growing up, I am reluctant to not only bring up the subject, but rarely participate and change the topic ASAP. I would like to stay focused on the person not their size. Comparisons inevitably lead to dissatisfactiion, imagined or real, and hurt feelings. As someone who works daily on her character, I find it offensive that what most people see and judge is exterior. What sparked my wls surgery journey? Being cut to the core of my very being by words that felt like a knife. You can't take words back!

[CrazyJaney 775]

Big believer in things happening (or not), for reasons we don't always understand at the time. Having a family who talked about weight everyday growing up, I am reluctant to not only bring up the subject, but rarely participate and change the topic ASAP. I would like to stay focused on the person not their size. Comparisons inevitably lead to dissatisfactiion, imagined or real, and hurt feelings. As someone who works daily on her character, I find it offensive that what most people see and judge is exterior. What sparked my wls surgery journey? Being cut to the core of my very being by words that felt like a knife. You can't take words back![/quot

Agree. Well said.

[Iambeautiful 100]

@dreamscometrue Now that this is over, you can begin to focus on 'YOU' and your WL goals. I wish you every success in reaching your goals. I know that your dreams will come true as will mine.... I can't wait to see a pic of you by the wedding.... You are going to look fabulous!!!! And Hope I will look better by then too. I'm only one month post op but have already lost 20lbs. since surgery. The NP at my Dr. Office said that i was doing great! Going to start exericise of some sort soon...... maybe aquatic exercises to start because of my arthritis.....