Specific friend advice needed! Pic included

[Susysleever 265]

I haven't told anyone about my surgery either so I'm not really sure how I would address a friend like this but sometimes I can be pretty blunt when something is bothering me. When shopping, I would probably say "Jane Doe, I can't believe you haven't mentioned my weight loss". This doesn't leave the person any "outs". They have to say, "I have noticed and chose not to say anything" or "No sorry I didn't notice". Well, after 60 pounds, if they haven't noticed, then you are invisible to them. I'm not saying to do it this way but I am thinking I probably would. This gets everything out on the table so it can be discussed. Plus, if you are looking for bridesmaids dresses you will most likely be ordering a size much smaller than you currently are. She will have to notice that as well. Maybe she suspects you had the surgery and feels hurt you didn't share that info with her, so she has decided not to acknowledge the weight loss. I don't know, people can be pretty weird sometimes. By the way, congratulations on losing that 60 pounds. That is great work and you look fabulous. Be happy for yourself and don't let others steal your joy.

I am such a witch-with-a-b. I would mess with her. "omgosh. This low carb really works" admire admire admire in the mirror. (I'm so not putting up with peoples stuff)

[MOSunshine 8]

I also decided not to share my plan for surgery with anyone except my boyfriend and one co-worker. I was so sure that was the proper way to go, I didn't want people to suddenly look at me and think "is she fat enough for gastric sleeve" give me a good look and think "oh yea, she is" I was embarrassed and didn't want people to realize that I had indeed gained that much weight. (50lbs in two years). But a few days before my surgery I told my best friend of twenty years because I felt SO guilty for hiding it from her. She totally understood why I hadn't said anything....but then got sad. Her feelings were hurt that she felt I couldn't have come to her during my decision making. She felt out of all people...why wouldn't I share it with her. Which is ultimately why I did. (She too has been a 9/10, most of her adult life) So maybe just maybe....your friend has her feelings hurt because you haven't shared your weight loss success with her. Fortunately I have not been heavy my whole life. So once I get back to my normal weight, it won't be anything "new" toy best friend, so I don't expect any changes on our friendship. I'd give your friend the benefit of the doubt as well...maybe she hasn't said anything because you haven't said anything.

Another thing, not that I am judging...but my best friend lives 20 minutes away from me...she is married with a child. And I have 2 children and a serious boyfriend and I see her atleast once a week. It shocked me you only see your best fried that is 30 minutes away once a month. Perhaps it's time to look at your friendship and see if you really are best friends still...you could have grown apart. Or your friendship could have changed from best friends to just friends over the course of the years.

[mrsto 2,925]

Someone asked why you care. I won't pretend to know but I can image it feels as though she's not happy for you. And at the core of healthy relationships, friendships, partnerships is the believe that people love us and WANT to see us happy. I've have been rich beyond measure with truly good girlfriends and a handful of guy friends that have travelled through my life. I'm 45. I have 2 best girlfriends who have been rocks through my decision. They have picked up kids, babysat, helped out my husband with getting them places while I was on the mend. They wrote me inspiring texts, flowers, fixed meals for my family. They told me how much they loved me. My other 5 best girlfriends (spread out across the country but MY GIRLS nonetheless) are from elementary school. Each if them has been supportive, some more than others. I've told only a few others. Friendships evolve through your 20's, 30's and 40's. I've lost touch with many but my core - the ones who are my rock and I am theirs - I expect them to care. Some friends move to the acquaintance category and that's ok. You will grow, flourish, blossom with this. Look at your beautiful picture!!! You are ready to take on the world! You are young and have so much ahead. A word of advice - let nothing hold you back, including negative feelings or less than supportive friends.. At the core of true friendship is love. If you don't feel the love, I promise you'll find it elsewhere. Move her to the acquaintance category. Don't focus on this person. If I wanted to be mean, I'd say she sounds shallow. Maybe you have too much depth for her now. Go forth and conquer and Celebrate your success! You are beautiful!

Amen!

[mrsto 2,925]

I agree with the above. I could never imagine not sharing something so big with my BF. Though mine never had a weight issue, she understands (me) as much as anyone possibly can.....who doesn't share the disease of obesity. As a matter of fact, she knows me SO well, that she talked me out of having the RNY.....which I was originally scheduled for. We got into some very heated arguments, but she was scared for me. Scared, because she knows my personality so well, and felt strongly that something so permanent would completely freak me out at a later date. I came to the decision to change surgeries on my own, but the reality is.......she was/is absolutely right about my personality. After all, she is by BEST friend, and knows how I function through and through. Aside from my husband, to keep such a big decision from her, is unconscionable. Quite honestly, if she was going to do something life altering & didn't tell me, I'd be deeply hurt and offended.

I completely understand how a BEST FRIEND would be extremely hurt and offended if you didn't tell them, and in all honesty, my BEST FRIEND lives across the country and does know about the surgery… She has been my emotional rock, as I have been for her, for years. I didn't mention that in the beginning because I put her in an entirely different category than just a "friend", which is what this girl is… just a "friend". We used to be much closer, but not really anymore. In fact, I didn't think I was even going to be asked to be in her wedding and was kind of shocked. This girl would be the type of person to get drunk and tell the world about my surgery because that is what she does. I've watched her do it with several of her other friends and i'm not letting that happen to me. You don't give ammo to a person ready to load the gun at any time! It sounds like you have an AWESOME best friend as well!!!

I do have an awesome best friend. As I said, more like a sister; the family you "choose" to have in your life.

From your original post, I didn't get that they two of you were more casual friends at this point. But from all that you've written about her, she doesn't sound much like a friend at all. Friends don't throw friends under the bus, and (this is just me) once you're done with your commitment to her wedding, I'd let her go. I can't have those types of people in my life......which is way too short for that type of personality. Onward..... Find healthy friends who are truly supportive, and have your best interest at heart.

[dreamscometrue 262]

I also decided not to share my plan for surgery with anyone except my boyfriend and one co-worker. I was so sure that was the proper way to go, I didn't want people to suddenly look at me and think "is she fat enough for gastric sleeve" give me a good look and think "oh yea, she is" I was embarrassed and didn't want people to realize that I had indeed gained that much weight. (50lbs in two years). But a few days before my surgery I told my best friend of twenty years because I felt SO guilty for hiding it from her. She totally understood why I hadn't said anything....but then got sad. Her feelings were hurt that she felt I couldn't have come to her during my decision making. She felt out of all people...why wouldn't I share it with her. Which is ultimately why I did. (She too has been a 9/10, most of her adult life) So maybe just maybe....your friend has her feelings hurt because you haven't shared your weight loss success with her. Fortunately I have not been heavy my whole life. So once I get back to my normal weight, it won't be anything "new" toy best friend, so I don't expect any changes on our friendship. I'd give your friend the benefit of the doubt as well...maybe she hasn't said anything because you haven't said anything. Another thing, not that I am judging...but my best friend lives 20 minutes away from me...she is married with a child. And I have 2 children and a serious boyfriend and I see her atleast once a week. It shocked me you only see your best fried that is 30 minutes away once a month. Perhaps it's time to look at your friendship and see if you really are best friends still...you could have grown apart. Or your friendship could have changed from best friends to just friends over the course of the years.

Hey there!! Im not sure if you've read throughout my comments to other people but I have said things to her several times over the past 3 months (I tell everyone I started working out/eating healthy in October) about me cutting out carbs, alcohol, working out like crazy, lifestyle changes, etc... So she can't use the excuse that I never brought it up! I should have clarified more in my original post, but this girl and I are definitely not best friends! We were in high school but we weren't as close in college and then after college, she moved several hours away and every time we would talk, all she would talk about is brag about her job and how much money she made (and not that it matters, but I never said a word even though knowing that I make and have made significantly more than her) because I never want her to feel in competition with me, yet she always has. If my BEST FRIEND lived 30 minutes away, holy crap, we would try to talk our husbands into living together! I would stalk her daily haha! That's what close friends do so I'm glad you've got that with your BFF! I honestly hoped when we both moved fairly close again that we would re-kindle the high school days and become closer, but to me, I find myself pulling away even more. I'm waiting for my old high school friend to show herself, but unfortunately I think she is gone.

[LaBelle509 326]

You said that you have known her for 20 yrs. When people get that close they can often tell when something has changed. If I had to guess I would say she knows you got the surgery. Maybe she chooses not to say anything because she is hurt that you didn't tell her about it. Just a thought.

I was thinking the exact same thing. She was told by someone about the surgery. But since it was never discussed with her personally, she's turning a blind eye to the loss. We do our best ( or so we think) to keep our surgery a secret. But people are very aware of our we struggle with our weights. When they noticed that we are losing and maitning! they know we got a little "help". Plus it is hard for others not to notice the small servings, the slow eating, the healthy choices that we are so trained to make. I was the girl with the plate piled high and that went for seconds always. Plus if it was deep fried, sugary, unhealthy, then it was on my plate for sure lol!! It was not hard for peopleto noticed the difference.A friend of 20 years is going to put one and one together.

Or, it could be that she's so use to you going up and down weight wise, that she was not going to make a big deal out of how you look now because how you look then didn't affect her.

Edited March 24, 2014 by LaBelle509

[Iambeautiful 100]

I don't know what to think of her attitude except that she is afraid that you'll get thinner than her. Sometimes people feel comfortable with their 'fat friends' and it makes them feel superior somehow. Since she doesn't know about the surgery she may feel that later you'll just gain your weight back again.

I wouldn't start any drama now.... Let her have her wedding but later on down the road, I'd sure call her out on it...Let her be the star of her show right now.....A true friend would be supportive of your weight loss.... Wonder if she ever really was a Real friend at all at this point.

I have not told my best friend that i had this surgery either. It's funny when we were teens, she was alwasys bigger than me but after i got older and had my children I gained a lot of weight. She lost a lot of weight some years ago with Fen Fen and has kept most of it off and is thinner than me. I think she'd be jealous if i get thinner than her again..... Women sometimes are jealous creatures.... not all of them. I wish you luck and Congratulations on your weight loss.... You look Fab...... I hope you get down to that size 6......sweet revenge

[Bob2013 326]

Maybe she found out about the surgery and that you were keeping it private. If that is the case it would be awkward mentioning the weight loss, in fear that you might find out she knows.

On another note. Fast weight loss can sometimes be due to some sort of illness. and again, maybe she dont want to mention it in case that was the circumstance.

I personally do not hide the fact I had the surgery. I wear it proudly and tell anyone that will listen about it. All I ever get is "well it is definitely working, you are looking great"

[dreamscometrue 262]

Maybe she found out about the surgery and that you were keeping it private. If that is the case it would be awkward mentioning the weight loss, in fear that you might find out she knows. On another note. Fast weight loss can sometimes be due to some sort of illness. and again, maybe she dont want to mention it in case that was the circumstance. I personally do not hide the fact I had the surgery. I wear it proudly and tell anyone that will listen about it. All I ever get is "well it is definitely working, you are looking great"

Nope, she definitely would not have found out about the surgery. No way no how.

[Frederic 500]

.... I personally do not hide the fact I had the surgery. I wear it proudly and tell anyone that will listen about it. All I ever get is "well it is definitely working, you are looking great"

This is my experience as well. The more people hide their WLS the more it seems like something to be ashamed of. If I'd known how common WLS really was I could have benefitted from it over 10yrs ago. Nit to mention situations like this where you're angry (or at least upset) at a friend because they're not commenting on a secret your keeping from them.

Have you considered the possibility your frustration is really just a misplaced and unnecessary feeling of guilt? Are you seeking validation of your weight loss because you're having a hard time acknowledging you needed/wanted WLS?

I don't know your friend but I can say that everything your feeling is from how you're perceiving things. You have made a major decision and had excellent results. Seeking validation from others is a dark path filled with self doubt. I would encourage you to feel proud of your actual results regardless of anyone else noting them.

[PdxMan 4,292]

Maybe she found out about the surgery and that you were keeping it private. If that is the case it would be awkward mentioning the weight loss, in fear that you might find out she knows. On another note. Fast weight loss can sometimes be due to some sort of illness. and again, maybe she dont want to mention it in case that was the circumstance. I personally do not hide the fact I had the surgery. I wear it proudly and tell anyone that will listen about it. All I ever get is "well it is definitely working, you are looking great"

Nope, she definitely would not have found out about the surgery. No way no how.

No way to know ...? Dropping 60 pounds in 3 months? Uh ... she has an idea something is going on. Even on the greatest of diets, a small fraction of people can be hitting those kinds of numbers. You say she is observant, my guess is she is also respectful.

If I were to try to go inside the female mind for a second, I would think: "Something has occurred with her that she is losing this weight. She looks healthy and appears to have great energy, so it must not be an illness ... it might be a bariatric procedure ... but we have been friends for so long, surely she would have told me about this decision. Maybe we are not as close as I thought we were. I don't know exactly what it is, but obviously she wants to keep it to herself, so I will respect her privacy and not say anything."

I post on this site quite often about expectations. They are future resentments. Communication here is key. If you want to know about something, ask. It is not their fault if you get a resentment over something.

Oye! I am so glad I'm a boy!

I'm just curious, since the wedding is in October, how are you going to do the whole fitting thing? This is going to be something you are going to have to discuss with her. You will have to ensure the dress you get will be easily alterable. Not all dress styles nor materials are conducive to alterations. (My first wife was an extraordinary seamstress)

[mrsto 2,925]

In my experience, naturally thin people are oblivious to things like weight loss surgery. Unless they know people who have had it, it's not part of their consciousness to even think of it as a possibility. I'm sure there are exceptions, but for the general public? When I told a couple of people that I was having bariatric surgery, they didn't even know what it was. Again, people who don't live in the world of "diets on, diets off".

Just the general description of this "friend", she sounds shallow and conniving. But then again, I have no idea who all the players really are, but at face value??

[Iambeautiful 100]

@dreamscometrue It's a little unsettling listening to all the excuses people are making for you 'friend' Even if by some long shot she intuitively knows that you must have had surgery for weight loss, is she was any kind of friend at all she would have at least complimented you on your weight loss. She wouldn't have had to ask you 'how' or anything. All you wanted was a simple acknowledgment of your accomplishment as any real friend would have done. True if she is that self obsessed with her wedding that she can't even compliment a friend then she is the one with a problem You have to be a friend to have friends. in my opinion she is jealous of you now or feels threatened by your sudden transformation somehow. People can be strange and sometimes the green eyed monster within people comes out and then shows you their true colors in times like this.

I would make no excuses for her rude behaviour...... I'm not buying that she is 'hurt' or doesn't want to embarrass you by bringing up the subject.... that's a bunch of BS..... sorry. If she hasn't said anything after the fitting then after the wedding I'd be done with her as a friend..... I'm not sugar coating anything.... Rude is Rude.....no excuses for that.

[Frederic 500]

This thread really seems to illustrate some key differences in how men and women perceive friendship.

I've always been amazed at how differently the genders process these kinds of relationships.

[Susysleever 265]

Oops. I totally misread your post. I thought you were both bridesmaids. Please ignore my prior naughty comment. Im sorry