CONFIDENCE vs ARROGANCE

[Connie Stapleton PhD 342]

Confidence is a turn-on.

Arrogance is a turn-off.

We, the Post Op and the Doc, discuss RECOVERY all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. Why? Because we believe in it and know the healing power it brings.

We’ve never really talked specifically about "confidence" and "arrogance" per se, but we talk about narcissism and selfishness and how destructive they are to our Recovery from Obesity. That makes it entirely understandable that many recovery "newbies" could easily confuse the two.

If a person comes from (a perceived place of) “nothing” into a big, new life of potential “everything,” the pendulum can (and often does) overcompensate (swings wildly in the other direction). In other words, if you start from a place where you’re thinking you have little value (perhaps based on your weight) – it is sometimes the case that to people appear to be … overvaluing themselves (think a posted selfie … or two or three… each day for a solid year). Is either of those extremes a healthy place to be… or could it be that they may actually represent the same issue?

There is a continuum on which most “issues” can be placed. Think a straight line with a far left side, a center, and a far right side (sounds like politics, right?)! On that continuum we are talking about at the moment, there is a line of unhealthy to healthy behaviors. Think of feeling insignificant on the far left of the line, feeling confident in the middle, and feeling arrogance on the extreme right end of the line. In other words, sometimes when a person goes from a place of feeling insignificant (in this case, perhaps related to being obese), sometimes they "overshoot" the goal of having confidence and end up acting "arrogant."

And this is true for many other “issues” we could put on that imaginary line. Think “completely independent/I don’t need anyone” as being on the far left, healthy independence being in the center and “totally dependent on others” as being on the far right end.

Here’s the deal: both the far left and the far right “issue” actually represent the same thing … an unhealthy extreme… of the same problem. Think about it. A person who feels/acts terribly insignificant AND a person who feels/acts arrogant are both acting out the same issue… feelings of poor self-esteem. The healthy place to be on a continuum of healthy self-esteem is in the middle… feeling/acting confident.

It truly is often the case that people swing from one end of the extreme to the other. It can look very different, but to those who understand this tendency of human behavior… it makes perfect sense. Balance lies in the middle of extremes. In this case, confidence is the healthy place of balance between feeling and acting insignificant and feeling and acting arrogant.

In the example of someone who acts like they don’t need anyone else in their life, whether for companionship or ask assistance from on one of the scale to the person who is so “needy” or dependent on the other, the issue is the same – dependency. On one end is the person who refuses to acknowledge the need for depending on others at times. On the other end is the person who can’t seem to think for themselves, go anywhere alone, or be alone for five minutes. The healthy place of balance is in the middle – being someone who has healthy dependency… can manage on their own at times and knows they need others, as well.

In recovery, the goal is to allow the pendulum to settle, rather than swing wildly, and arrive at the center of the continuum! (Hmmm…pendulums and continuums…who knew?)

A great way to encourage balance is to listen to trusted friends who are willing to tell you things you might not want to hear. And…get ready to say "Ouch!" because it often hurts…

Fortunately, if you are open to considering the possibility that your trusted friends might be right, you open yourself to the possibility of health and peace of mind in recovery. Doesn't that seem like a healthy trade-off? A little hurt for a lot of healing?

If you were to place yourself on that continuum of self-worth/self-value, where do you think you'd be? No judgment -- Remember, AWARENESS and ACCEPTANCE are critical to recovery, so if you don't admit stuff, you can't change it.

[CrazyJaney 775]

It's like a "Dry Drunk" who, while sober, has no humility - all ego. This journey for me is so different this time. Because for the first time in my life, I admitted I was a mess (no more listening to the " you carry it well") and (and this is big) I asked for help. I strive to be not just healthier, not just more physically appealing - but a better person on this journey. Good article! Thank you!

[Seela 1,187]

Honestly at times I think I'm at the beginning, middle and end of that line. I like to think I'm spending more time in the middle, but I have my moments. It's a never-ending journey, isn't it, trying to find balance?

[lisacaron 5,075]

I agree that it's something that you have to work on every day to keep balance in your life. That said it is understandable for a person and/or persons who are undergoing life changing experiences like WLS or recovery to vacillate closer to one end of the spectrum and back to the other before they find their balance.

I think the key here should be support, from close family and friends or even a therapist who might be able to sense that they are too far in one direction for too long and give that person a nudge so they don't stay stuck there and can keep swinging until the find their rhythm.

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

Nice article! I definitely went through this stage many moons ago. I had to learn the difference and I think it's just one of those growing pains majority of post ops will go through. For me, I learned that confidence is just another way of knowing you CAN better yourself. Arrogance is another way of thinking you're better than others.